New man

Tell your sons that they don't need to worry about their inheritance because you have already made a will leaving everything you own to a donkey sanctuary.

Having been on the receiving end of that situation (husband's adult children from marriage which had ended 10 years before) I'd ask your sons if they're going to look after you when your old and infirm.
My step kids have totally changed their tunes now that their dad needs looking after.............

Enjoy your new relationship and leave your sons to come to terms with it in their own time.

Don't invite them when you expect your friend to be at your place. I'm assuming you are not living together? If they do turn up when you are with him either in your home or outside it, just say casually, "As you see NN's here, it's been ages since you saw each other, hasn't it?" thus signalling that you expect polite, adult behaviour.

If they are rude or offhand, tell them that their behaviour disappoints you, either at once, depending on what is said and how, or afterwards. If you like, point out to them that you don't love their father any less for having started a new relationship after his death. Presumably, he would not have wanted you to be miserable for the rest of his life.

Why not have an adult conversation with your sons, together or singly, at an appropriate moment and just ask them why they are so uncomfortable with this new relationship? Don't speculate or make assumptions which may be terribly wrong. Allow them to voice their concerns, listen carefully and respectfully. Ultimately of course it is your life and your decision but don't jeopardise your relationship with your sons. It doesn't have to be a them or him situation. You can have both unless there are some very good reasons why that is not possible and, if that is the case, surely you would want to know those reasons.

I think your sons possibly feel (wrongly of course) that you are somehow being disloyal to their father's memory by starting another relationship.

Did they ever meet this new man when your husband was still alive? If so, did they like him then?

Unless there is a back story to this, it does seem a shame that they can't be happy for you. Don't risk your relationship with your sons, although if they do meet him, you shouldn't tolerate any rudeness on their part.

I remember when my mother remarrried three years after my father died. I was 21 and married myself. The new man was ok, I didn't dislike him but was very wary of him because he had no home of his own, was divorced and had three grown up children by his first wife.

He turned out an ok husband to her and grandfather to all the GC.

I guess the memory of my father at that time was still fresh, but I never once rejected my mother's choice of companion. I had my life and it was none of my business.

My younger brother took it hard though and decided to leave home, as did my sister who was the youngest at 17. She also moved out with bad feeling.

It didn't help with my mother's behaviour - becoming arrogant and self centred despite all the support we, as children, gave her following my father's death. I guess we felt rejected and not wanted now she had found someone else.

I think she would have been worse if she hadn't found someone else, judging by her behavior since she become a widow again ten years ago.

Good nanny do your grown up sons live with you?

Goodynanny - It's not clear whether they disapprove of you having another relationship or whether they disapprove of the new man or both.

My sons are the same age as yours and I'm not sure how they'd react if I was on my own and found a new prospective partner. Have you asked them why they don't want to meet him?

I don't think you need to feel guilty about doing something they may not approve of - this doesn't sound right. Surely your husband wouldn't have expected you to spend the rest of your life on your own?

You have 2 choices - either tackle them head on and challenge them to explain what their issue is or refrain from mentioning anything more to them about the new man.

There's no rush for him to meet them - is there?

I think that your sons are being protective of you. It must be strange to them knowing their mum is seeing another man other than their dad and perhaps see it as a betrayal to his memory. I can imagine how they feel, but let them know that you love them and that you're old enough to look after yourself and that you have your own life to live as they have theirs. You deserve to be happy.

You say things are fairly recent so don't panic yet! Tell your "boys" they are carrying on like maiden aunts, unless they know something about this old friend that you don't then just enjoy yourself and give it time.

Keep in mind that there is no 'wrong' here. Your boys feelings are normal and natural. Having said that, they don't have the right to prevent you from seeing other people. You are now an unmarried adult and free to choose another life partner if you wish. It's not up to your children (or anyone else) to decide for you.

Be patient but persistent. Right now your sons may feel like they're betraying their dad by accepting your 'stranger'. Emphasize the fact that their dad can't be 'replaced'. Hopefully, they will eventually grow to accept the new man in your life.

Above all, you deserve to have someone special in your life again and to be happy.

Do they know him? Is there some past?
If not it's none of their business

willa45?

I have recently met the new “squeeze” of the husband of a friend who died 3 years ago and I was more than a bit taken aback.
He had met her online and unlike the vivacious, talented, intelligent woman I knew, this one is over made up, well “corseted” dripping diamonds (real?) loud, frankly a bit vulgar and flashy. He is also the latest of a line of her internet relationships.
Not my business, but I felt saddened. Maybe sceptical too?
Takes all sorts I suppose, but TG I am not family, I would be horrified!

How lovely, new relationships are so exciting. Your boys are just looking out for you. Ask what their concerns actually are and reassure them on each one. They will get over it as time goes on. Enjoy.

No they both have their own homes.

Your sons are being very selfish to want to deny you a chance of happiness with this man. Only looking at it from their own point of view. Why should you feel guilty, you are doing nothing wrong!
Be upfront with your man, tell him how your sons feel. Once they have met him and grown used to the idea of mum seeing someone new, they might come round and accept it. If not, they have to lump it.

Mawbroon my best friend died a number of years ago,she had been married for almost 25 years .We went on holidays together for years and I counted her OH as a good friend. 6 WEEKS after she died he moved a woman into her home.I was devastated as were her parents ,he said he couldn't live alone! I know its old fashioned but I think theres a time when its still disrespectful to move on ,not to the person who died but to all the people who loved them .HE in my mind was being selfish.We're not friends with him now.

not friends with him now

They’re just looking out for you, which is cool. Carry on doing your thing. And when the time is right, and if he is right, they’ll get on with it. Difficult stage in life with grief etc.

I don’t know why everyone has jumped to the conclusion it’s inheritence, that’s a big old judgement I would think, it’s much more about their love of their Dad and maybe concern for you My mum and dad have been dead six years but it still feels like yesterday I m just lying here tying to put myself into the sons position and I think I would have hated it if another man or woman had been brought into the family after a short time and ‘nearly’ three years is a short time
Do the sons not like the man (is there any value in their dislike) or are they just feeling disloyal to their Dad and the thought of another man in their dads house/ bed etc is a step to far at the moment you ll only know if you ask them

I hope it turns out ok but I do think it’s unfair to dismiss their feelings whatever age they are.

My sons do not live with me, plus I have moved into a new house, one I never shared with my husband.
I have spoken to them, but they say it’s so weird for them and they do not want a new dad or grandad for my granddaughter.
Hopefully in time they will come to terms with it.

Goodynanny, good to hear you've had the discussion with your sons and their reaction seems to be the very normal discomfort about a parent moving into a new relationship after the loss of the other parent. And don't discount the ultimate yuck factor that maybe, just maybe, a parent might even have sex. Doesn't bear thinking about!!!! ?

Well you could always take a little break ( with your new mans agreement) and then all the times that you would have been with him turn up on your sons doorstep with your overnight bag or insist that they keep you company in your house or to the cinema or the hospital appointment or the nice day out at the stately home or going to look at lots of different conservatorys until you find the one you want....The list is endless. Every time say “Well, I would have done this with new man but......”
Call them in every time a light bulb needs replacing or the door handle gets wobbly or the car tyres need checking.
Sigh and say “Sorry but now new man is not around.....”

Bet they welcome him with open arms when he reappears

The Inheritance was the first thing to cross my mind as well.
Can you be open with your sons and ask them if that is what they are worried about. After all, it's quite a reasonable worry. Then try to work out, with the help of a solicitor if necessary a way to protect, what they rightly think of as yours and their Df's money.
They may relax about your new relationship then.