Retirement panic

If in doubt, do nowt.

AIBU or does anyone else feel that this is a somewhat odd marriage? I find it hard to understand why you agreed to marry if you had no intention of living together, but I do agree that you need to start talking to one another about how you see the rest of your lives. You've been together for 20 years and if his dream is to have a boat, I suggest that you might consider keeping your house as your main home and allowing him to sell his and buy his boat. But see if there is any compromise.

So
He's been happy living apart for twenty years .
He's retiring .
He thinks you should both sell up .
He thinks you should buy a joint home.
He's going to spend his money on a boat .
and you...
What do YOU want ?
or does that not come into the equation

Retirement is life changing, in many small ways. Firstly you need tome to adjust to that and experience tells us we need about a year for the adjustment. Many things will be different, some new some discarded. It is not a good thing to make firm decisions now because you will feel different in a year's time and the big decisions cannot be reversed.

So my essential advice is to give yourself time to adjust. Just a year is not all that long a time to give yourself for a lifetime in retirement.

As for finances then there is a need to put all your cards on the table, his and yours. Are the two houses going to be more than your budgets can manage? What can be done, even short term to counteract that. Then if it appears you do need to move it will be essential to plan for a property that will give you sufficient 'me' space. That may well mean using all the capital from both houses, in which case a solution may be clear. But do protect your own capital.

Next comes the matter of Wills; I hope you have already sorted those, but if not do so before anything else. When doing so do it independently. You must protect your future.

Rufuss, I was in the same situation and asked to marry my partner. I refused as the older men at our age always thinks the woman is the maid and cook. I also kept my own house. That was 10 years ago, now he's mid 80s. He has a yacht, he is getting so he can't manage it, it's not being updated, no longer safe but he's still sailing it. I was actually told, when I protested, that it was my duty to look after him. I'm also 10 years older and not as sprightly, can't jump off a yacht to moor as I used to. My advice is stay free and in your own house.

Ruffusmum, just say to the chancer, because that’s what he’s doing, he’s chancing his arm. Just say
“No, it’s not happening,” and as you do remember my husband’s analysis of the situation, and how he laughed at your husband’s craftiness and selfishness. Stay in your house and just say no.

If you can't commit to your marriage after twenty years, why bother now?

I agree with the posters who say, rent out your house for a period to see how you get on. You always need a back up plan in these situations. His plan is all based on what HE wants.

They are married, they’ve made a commitment, why does she have to give up everything because he wants A Boat. It’s not about her, or her commitment it’s about his utter selfishness and rudeness. She doesn’t even like boats particularly.

Hang on to your house if it's in your name whatever you do. Let him buy his own boat, don't give him a penny towards it's cost. Sound like a selfish blighter to me

I haven't read the whole of the thread so apologies if I'm duplicating what others may have said. Maybe you could try the opposite of a trial separation and have a trial at living together in one of the properties and rent out the other for say 6 months or a year? That way you'd either strengthen the relationship and realise that you need each other or decide that it's not possible to live together full time, in which case he could sell his house and take off in his boat bought with the proceeds and you could still keep your house. If the relationship survives and deepens as you live together then maybe he'll come to realise that you are more important to him than a boat.

Don't GO THERE

The monetary fact is that property goes up in value, boats decidedly do not! As others have said, you need to speak up.

I know a few people who own boats. They say the two best days are the day you buy it and the day you sell it. They are a constant drain on finances. Mooring fees, running cost, maintainence and repairs are just a few that spring to mind.

I think you have big changes ahead. Many couples who live together permanently have to face changes once retired. Getting under each other’s feet, being at home for an extra 40+ hours a week - it can take a lot of readjusting. You’re coming from a much different place as you haven’t been living together for long stretches. Double whammy!
My thoughts - live together in whichever house is the most suitable and give yourselves a chance to adapt to being together 24/7. Then decide if you can live in a small home. If you find it claustrophobic, the answer will be to buy a more spacious house where you can each have your own space. Plan for any extra costs. Then see what money is left. This is what you have to spend between you. Will it buy a boat, and do you both want this with your joint cash? If you decide to live in a small house, the cash from the sale or sales will belong to you both. How will you both decide to use it to your mutual benefit?
The other thing to consider is why does he want an expensive boat? Is it a whim because he thinks it possible? Does he really have the energy, skills, expertise to make the most of it? Are you both prepared to pay all the considerable extra expenses involved? Are you both happy with losing money on it, as it’s often not a profitable investment?
A really serious ongoing discussion is imminent - better get your thoughts clarified and organised so you can state your case and stand your ground if necessary. Your feelings, needs and wants are every bit as valid and important as his.

Totally agree with the above and other posters.

There is a reason why you chose to live separately and why your gut is urging you not to throw away your safety blanket. Women are supposed to conform to being housemaids/carers without complaint and demands can creep up on us until it's too late to do anything about it. Think carefully about what you value in your own life. As for aging, there are no guarantees any of us will remain together until the end.

Boats take a fair bit of money to keep, not to mention the mooring fees etc.
For how long would both of you be able to enjoy boating, getting on and getting off it etc?
It might be an unequal partnership if he is merging his money with yours, then taking a chunk out of it to mess about in a boat?
Do YOU like boating too?
I'd say to leave well alone. If you moved in together there is no going back.
Why did you marry when you could have just co-habited when the mood took you?
Good luck in making a decision. Personally, I think it's all about him releasing money to buy the boat, not that he wants to be closer/spend more time with you.

I can't quite believe what I'm reading. Why on earth did the OP get married in the first place?

If you have doubts and feel torn that says it all to me .
I think it would be best to carry on the way you have .
He can sell his house buy his boat and rent a somewhere close to you .
That would work for both of you.
Unless he wants your money if that is the case RUN for the Hills

Along with my previous comment I would also show and get him to read this thread. It may solve the whole issue for you:

realising your concerns
seeing what a selfish and silly idea he has
realising that he loves you for you and would not jeopardise the marriage
bringing a discussion to the for to plan your future together or not as this case may be.

Good luck and do let us know what the final outcome is.

You’ve had a very unique marriage, so it’s dfficult to advise either way. My close friend still adores her DH after 25 years but says, how I wish that he lived next door, my life would be so much better !! I think you need to listen to your heart and your DH must validate your feelings as they are equally important as his own.

Keep your house in your name and let DH sell his house and buy his boat from his own money.

Make it clear that he only moves in with you if he is nice and that you will be looking to D.I.V.O.R.C.E. if he is not nice.

He deserves the best? Well, what do you deserve then?

I am afraid I smell a giant rat here. I wouldn't trust him.

Is this boat thing new, or has he been talking of it for years? Are we talking motor boat or sailing boat? Sea-going or canals?

I found getting used to a boat easier than I had expected, but only because it is a motor boat and we keep to canals and rivers in Europe.

You don't mention children, so I assume there aren't any, or others looking forward to an inheritance from you that will be diminished if the boat is only in his name.

I get the impression that you do not want to alter the way you live now, and honestly, if you are going to give living together in one house all the time a try, do please, keep both properties, and rent one out for three months. That should be more than long enough to find out whether living together is enjoyable or the reverse.

You could also suggest that he sells his house and buys the boat he dreams of and lives on it, and you keep your house.

DH and I have long since discussed that if I predecease him he will probably sell our house and move on board our motor boat. If he goes first, I shall probably sell both house and boat and find a smaller home to live in.

Do please take into consideration how you will be placed as a widow - I'm assuming your OH is the elder and we all know most men do not live as long as their wives, or if retirement goes so wrong that you opt for divorce or a separation.

I have a suggestion
Both sell up and buy 2 retried ment flats in the same block.
You can still rent one out for income of need be .
But you both get the benefits of extra these blocks provide.

You have both lived fairly independently during your relationship. I am assuming you both own your homes outright? Why not have a trial year.. rent out one property and live together in one. The rental income might contribute to holidays away together (on boats??) so you are not tripping over each other at home but learning to spend more time, happily, in each other's company.
At the end of the year you will both have a better idea of how you get on with closer living.

In the end you have to decide what you want and, as all relationships are a balance of give and take, how much each of you is prepared to compromise. If neither of you are happy then it suggests you would be better apart than together.