Here we go again.

Monica - the issue isn't really the free childcare and help is it ...the OP is about the distancing in the relationships without explanation .…! And the OP mentioned the childcare linked to the rudeness not the childcare as such!

It is the issue because this DiL thinks it entirely acceptable to act the way she has to the person who is providing her with free child care

I also read in one post her mum picks her up and takes her to work, which is literally 5 minutes round the corner from where I live.. Yes, this woman cannot drive, but is there anything she does for herself? She is meant to be a grown-up, but has her DM and MiL running round her as if she was the one still in nappies.

Monica I agree re DIL...and expressed similar up up thread. I suppose what I mean is that in my view the OP needs to address the distancing initially (I would ask!) and the in the light of that outcome/information re reasons make a decision about her offers/willingness to provide free childcare.

I’d have to ask what the problem is, and see if it could be sorted. I’d also find it hard to continue being used as unpaid child care, just so I could see my grandchildren. Surely looking after them is primarily for the parents’ benefit?

I enjoyed the day with my grandchild, her mum came to collect, my son had to work late, same as the morning no talking but I just chose to ignore her, if my son had come I would have asked him what was wrong. Luckily it’s only school holidays now for my grandchild.
Yes I suppose I am there for my children too much, but I did it for my first grandchild 7 years ago and as most of you know what you do for one adult child you have to do for the rest. I love how close my grandchildren are to me this is the biggest benefit about looking after them. I am going to leave it for now and see what happens. Thank you all for you advice it has certainly made me think.

Good luck to you with this situation. I can't see how a small child can be picked up by the mother and there is no contact.
Maybe I'm thick. Would it just be like picking a child up from nursery? What the child did today but nothing about you?
My friend whose son attends a special school because he has no speech etc comes home each day with a diary written by the teacher. His mum can reply with a message about how he is today. It must be a little time consuming but is a great comfort to his mum and can nip any problems in the bud.

But Bopeep do you really mean to say that your DiL came to your house after you’d had your grandchild for nearly 12 hours and didn’t say a single word?
Not even a ‘how’s your day been?’ ?
Did you say anything to her?

That is seriously strange and your grandchild will pick up on that.
I couldn’t let that pass.

I would have launched into an account of what a lovely day we’d had and asked her about her day too.

She spoke to her child, she usually asks if the child has been good, what they have had to eat those sorts of things but she didnt ask, i volunteered the information but she pretended not to hear, and fussed with the child. I agree its very strange.

It seems to me that your eldest son or his partner have been saying things to your younger son and your DIL has been upset about something that was said. The only thing I can suggest is that next time she comes to collect your GC you say point direct you are worried you have upset her and can she tell you what you have done. You could either just keep it very simple or go on a charm offensive, you know which might work best. She certainly has got everyone running around after her.

Bopeep, what an ungrateful, surly d.i.l. you have. Now, let's give her the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps , for whatever reason, she had a bad day. If she usually has a chat with you and this is just a one-off or a two-off, we'll say she's had a couple of bad days.
Or there's some tittle- tattle going on. I'm afraid this happens in families where the co-inlaws (female) chat regularly to each other. I experience it all the time. I let it go over my head and carry on as normal. I don't usually delve into the reasons for their behaviour for fear it will turn into a confrontation . All the best !

Bopeep you must ask her directly why she doesn’t speak to you.
You won’t get a straight answer from anyone else because they will interpret the situation from their own perspective and also, even if subconsciously, give you the answer they think you want to hear.
You will only sort this out if you deal directly with her.

I think you should be ready for next time your son says something nasty and pick him up on it, rather than let it go. Just ask him why he said that.

I suggest leaving the DiL situation for a day or two and, if it continues, ask her why she's not been speaking to you.
Don't ask while the child is there, though, as that could make the whole thing more difficult for everyone.

Sorry just realised your younger son is saying horrible things, I think with him I would definitely challenge him at the time and say you are very upset, as indeed you are.

Yes, Bopeep, let it go quiet and see what happens - softly , softly , catchee monkey ?
Good luck and big hugs from me.
Give it a week and tell us what happened ?

Madgran
That made me (grinned and beared)
It would look a bit better as 'grinned and borne'.

Good job we have you on Gransnet GG otherwise who knows what grammar we might use. does not negate rudeness.

Sodapop ?

I think the son who is no contact has been stirring things up.Maybe telling the others you said things about them that you haven't.The ebst way to go ,in my opinion is to ask what's going on.Now you can do it face to face but if you think it might get confrontational then e-mail or write to them .Dont just let it go on the way it is ,the longet that happens the less likely it will ever be sorted .

Thought I would pop back and give you an update.
Have still not seen my son to speak too, I have been round to see him a couple of times but no one was in.
It’s very out of character for him not to call round to see us.
Paddyann I didn’t want to think that my other son could have anything to do with it but maybe you are correct.
Will keep trying to see him.

Looks like I have lost another son and grandchild, still no contact been made, I have rung and text got no answer. So I give up. He has done exactly the same as his older brother cut us all out of his life,I assume something has been said between them which has made him do this I can’t imagine what. I am beginning to feel like a terrible mother that 2 children can do this. Where did I go wrong? Mother’s Day is going to be awful. The only thing I have to hold on to is they haven’t deleted me as friends on social media although I am limited so can’t see anything they post, but it really upsets me seeing there profile pictures, should I delete them? Help please what would you do?

Do you really have no idea why both sons have stopped communicating with you? Or do you have an inkling? Surely it must be something very serious to cause them to cut you out of their lives? Can your daughter shed any light on it? Seems to me that your oldest son has said something to his brother that has shocked him into doing the same?

I'm so sorry this has happened to you Bopeep can your daughter not shed any light on the problem ?
It's particularly hard when Mothering Sunday is being so hyped up everywhere. Don't do anything in the heat of the moment, don't delete anything just step back and look at the rest of your life. There is pleasure to be had with friends and other family. A little breathing space is good before you try to deal with the problems again.

No Bopeep, don't do anything like that....don't delete them from social media. So are you still doing the babysitting? If so, then all is not lost. There is contact. Quite frankly, I find Birthdays, Mothering Sundays etc all so stressful. For instance my d.i.ls have already told me they will be with their mothers for Mothering Sunday. Fair enough. My sons will probably be with them and that's fine by me. I used to get so stressed out about all these 'special' days....not any more. I just go with the flow....couldn't be bothered really. Perhaps my daughter will come over. I'm not sure of that either .

As you have had no row with your sons, no accusations have been made, no recriminations, it would seem that someone is deliberately spreading malicious allegations about you, and your sons and daughters in law are too cowardly to confront you with them.
I have no advice on how to resolve this cruel situation, but try and maintain some sort of contact, even if only cards and presents via your daughter, with your grandchildren; with such stupidly immature parents they are going to need all the help they can get.

leyla yes i do know some of what the problem is, but it was between a relative and his wife nothing what so ever to do with us, and really nothing serious either, this is why i am finding it very hard to understand why we have been cut off. If i could get an explanation i would be able to try and fix it or at least have closure of some sort. Thank you sodapop i will wait and see what mothers day brings, and then make the decision.