MIL/IL threads etc.

I don't have much internet time at the moment, so hope I have time to get this through.

I am a retired medic and have worked in many areas of the world, sometimes in extremely difficult and harsh conditions - so yes I acknowledge that this will have coloured my view of family life back here home. A poster asked if this had indeed made me insensitive (or similar wording) to normal family life, but since retirement I have volunteered for a well known cancer charity and I am often tearful supporting people and relatives in their own homes. And still hopefully capable of showing compassion.

My op was a genuine feeling and I apologise to anyone who felt I was being judgemental. posting and running or anything else. I have been enlightened by many of the posts, confused by others and have reflected on others at length - and generally hope I am a wiser person. I hope to post again when I can.

Incidentally this trip is hedonistic - nothing to do with working.

Well said Madgran I think you put it much better than I did and probably more kindly.

Rather than criticise what one considers to be a trivial or misguided thread I would tend to be more concerned about an unpleasant poster. I wouldn't be nasty to someone face to face so why do it online?

I mostly see my GC online because they don't live near me but I still feel very close to them and DS sends me lots of photos and messages. A few days ago apparently dil was saying she was going to start knitting and GS replied that 'Grandma is the best knitter' . A small thing but shows he is thinking about me even though we don't see each other often.

justwokeup I know I am someone who will "pick up" on a style of posting if I feel someone has been particularly unknd/sharp/ derogatory/accusative towards an obviously upset, often hurting, sometimes apparently distraught poster! That's the point really, there is no need whatsoever to be unkind/rude/just plain nasty, even whilst giving straight talking, honest comment or advice!

I think that rudeness/nastiness needs pointing out to posters; in some cases it has made them think, as they have confirmed to me in PMs and to be fair their style has remained direct but a little more thoughtful!

I pick up on a variety of posters and yes there are some where it happens more frequently; that is about the style of post/content not the poster!

I am not the only one who shows awareness of unfortunate posting to upset posters looking for advice, and am glad that there are others who also pick up on unkindness etc. Generally I do not get any impression that here is any kind of deliberate focus on any individual but I may be wrong or have missed that

jane - thanks for giving me another perspective of why some may expect very frequent contact with grandchildren. I suppose we all approach situations from our own experience. Mine was of having one loving grandmother in another country, who died when I was about 8, but saw occasionally, but enough to have nice memories of her knitting me doll’s clothes and sleeping in her feather bed. So it doesn’t now bother me that my son moved abroad and I only see GC a few times a year.

Izabella while agreeing with you wholeheartedly that some GPs seem self-absorbed and there are more important things going on in the world, I wouldn't like to distinguish posts by saying they are trivial but others are not. There are also other arenas for considering events of world importance. I think of GN like a chat with people I don't know, not of world-changing importance but simply makes the day go around. And the grans do offer a wide spectrum of helpful advice from their own experience.

Some posters do seem inclined to be forthright - nothing wrong with that, we can take it or leave it after all - but others are just as inclined to correct them. Perhaps we can offer an opinion on the OP in our own ways without so much comment on the way we express ourselves? Certain posters do seem inclined to pick up (on) the same people again and again.

Good post Izabella and good luck in your journeying.

I think it’s more to do with what happened in the MiL’s own family. Children grow up thinking their own family situation is ‘normal’ and judge everyone else by that yardstick.

That I can agree with. My own mother is incensed by the fact that my sister has chosen to move away with her now adult children. She considers that we have a duty to stay and she has a right to her grandchildren. When I listen to her stories about her family as she was growing up, I get the impression that this is what was expected of her and her siblings. When it didn't, there was huge fall out.

I wonder if some of these difficulties will magically disappear when it occurs to dils that mils & fils are not going to live forever. When they realise that cutting people off works both ways.

Our wills leave everything to 2 Dss and nothing to the other DSs widow. It will be up to them if they decide to share with their nephews or not. Don't ask me to explain, I can't publicly do so.

For the first 6 years of my life parents ans I lived en famille with one set of grandparents, aunts , uncle and cousins. I saw other long distance granny 3x yr. Then we moved overseas for a number of years so saw both lots v infrequently. As a teen back in UK we visited long distance granny x 3 a year and more local weekly! My mum offered to care for my DD so I could work..we saw my family slightly more than DHs family as a result but usually weekly. DH & I chose to live close to our DDs and DGC as we wanted to offer the support we valued fromour own parents. We were fortunate to have both DDs living close to each other so we could. So serendipity plays its part. Need to add that DH & I both still work and have busy lives beyond family!

"When we visit, or they visit us, the primary reason is to see our DCs. Of course we love our DGCs, but they are a bonus not the be-all and end-all."
Same here Jane.

I’m another one puzzled by the amount of time some people expect to spend with grandchildren. Did they miss out somehow on having a good relationship with their own children? Or did they really want more children and now want grandchildren as a substitute?
I too find it odd Farmor but I don’t think that’s the reason.
I think it’s more to do with what happened in the MiL’s own family. Children grow up thinking their own family situation is ‘normal’ and judge everyone else by that yardstick.
In the past, and still now in many communities, families lived in very close proximity to the extended family. It was normal to have daily or almost daily contact.
But increasingly, perhaps as a result of more young people leaving home to go to university, or in search of work, families have far less day to day contact.
If you’ve grown up having frequent contact with your own grandparents, it’s understandable that you might expect and hope for the same with your own grandchildren.

My own situation is that 3 of my grandchildren live in America and 2 live 5 hours’ drive away.
When we visit, or they visit us, the primary reason is to see our DCs. Of course we love our DGCs, but they are a bonus not the be-all and end-all.

Izabella
Take great care and enjoy spreading the sunshine wherever you are.

I'm surprised this thread has moved on to 4 pages, and looks to continue.

I'm genuinely perplexed that people cannot understand that moaning about people moaning is behaving in exactly the same way!!

All that is different is the subject matter.

One mans meat is another mans poison, as the saying goes.

There are plenty of topics on here to allow us to ignore those that we don't like in favour of those we do.

Why waste emotional energy being cross with someone who lives a different life from you, and therefore has different reasons for posting?

To be honest I don't even care that much about 'pranksters' (although why discuss them on this thread I wonder?)
Because some of those threads descend into hilarity which is quite good fun!

There will always be subjects and topics that cause controversy. Isnt that normal?

Just find it all puzzling.

I am not complaining about this thread, Nonnie, the subject needed to be aired.

It is all the pranksters and those who should really know better, who get hysterical because DiL didn't welcome them with a kiss when she opened the door or similar, who make the atmosphere toxic for those who do need help and advice.

I’m another one puzzled by the amount of time some people expect to spend with grandchildren. Did they miss out somehow on having a good relationship with their own children? Or did they really want more children and now want grandchildren as a substitute?
As others have said, a good relationship with your own children, and their partners should be the first priority. If you can get to know their partner’s parents, before any grandchildren arrive, it probably helps too. Then, you can hope your children will want you to to be involved with grandchildren, to a greater or lesser extent depending on circumstances.
Like others here, I’m very suspicious of posts by new names, with apparently complex problems, who then disappear. It’s a pity that posters continue to add to the thread long after they’ve gone when it would be better to let it quietly disappear from the active list.

I agree MOnica such a shame for those who need our help but are put off asking because of this thread and comments on others.

It isn't a competition about who has the worst problem, if someone feels they need to ask for help we should either give such help in a kindly way or not comment at all.

That is the problem. By the time we begin to have suspicions, the OP has long stopped posting on the thread, so all we can do is have suspicions, and, as with any suspicions, they can be totally unjustified.

Well, people are free to report anything they think might be fake, although for the life of me I don't know how anyone would know.

Another thread with a heart rending story, is rousing suspicions that it might be fake.

Do these pranksters, and some of the people that have irritated a number of us recently by making a fuss about events that are nothing to get het up about, realise the immense harm they do to those who really are facing very difficult situations and who now will be be afraid to post on GN, because of the irritation time-wasters have caused.

Well said stella1949
Grandchildren should be a joy and privilege. So many people have high expectations and it is all about ‘me’.
My main surprise is how many want to have time just with the grandchild, even when just a small baby, and don’t appear to want time with the family.

Thanks for saying what many would have been thinking, Izabella. It beggars belief that so many people in our age group, can remain so childish and self-centered in regard to their grandchildren. It seems that, unless they get the lion's share of time and love from the children, they'll walk away and get nothing !

I guess that in many of these cases, grans have grown old but not grown up.

Good post llizzie2

When you travel - as I have done - to so many different places and cultures you look on from what is really 'afar' knowing that you can do nothing about it.

It is rather different to the personal miseries people experience in their home life. People post on here not to bewail their difficulties but to find out if anyone has similar problems. It does not necessarily mean that their differences are continuous: some are, but very often they are matters which arise and which the poster needs help finding a satisfactory outcome - hopefully. I have experienced one way or another, over the years, many of the problems posted here. They have not been permanent.

I agree Izabella . People seem to have such huge expectations. I really don't get the jealousy bit. You make your own relationship with the grandchild and the other grandparent has no bearing on it. It may be more difficult before they can walk and talk but you are there for the long term. I have just read a thread about a woman whose daughter lives on the Isle of Man (I didn't comment because it had all been said) but that is a lot nearer than all those who have a good relationship with grandchildren in New Zealand etc.

Where are the men in all this nonsense? How pathetic, tied to Mummys apron strings.

Izabella. May I ask what you do? Or is it too revealing regarding your identity?
Also best wishes and good luck as you set off on this next journey. I do hope it will be productive and bring hope and good to the people you meet. I strongly hope that peace will become the norm and rebuilding lives and security and good health will soon become widespread in those areas to which you go.
As I am of the praying variety, I shall pray for you if that is OK with you.