AIB too suspicious - I don’t want to make a fool of myself!

Oh dear I think you have to tell him you checked his phone bill. In my opinion this is justified as he admitted to having an affair.
I don’t believe in doing everything together but I would be wary if my DH spent nights away which were not on business. It is a pity you can’t go with him when he goes to the boat.

Oh Gma29 how awful for you. Like you I would be very suspicious . What would he say if you suddenly offered to accompany him to the flat near the boat? Or even better just showed up? I would be wondering who it is he meets there.

I don't really think you did anything wrong by looking at the bill. it is HE who has made you feel insecure like this.

I'm not sure what you could say if you rang the number. Unless you have a pretty good idea your H is having an affair with the person on the other end, in which case I would just introduce myself . But that might be the beginning of the end so you would need to be well prepared. Wish I could come up with some good advice for you.

If you know his address at his boat flat turn up some time unannounced Sorry to be the bearer of bad news but I d be VERY VERY surprised if he’s not continuing his life of bed hopping I hope I m wrong but......

I had a similar situation when I was pretty sure my last partner was having an affair I managed with a bit of detective work to find her phone number, I rang asked her if she knew —— she said yes he’s my boyfriend, who are you ?She had absolutely no idea he was in a live in relationship of 8 years he had told her he couldn’t ask her round to his flat as his landlady was nasty and wouldn’t let him have visitors !!!
She and I swopped notes and we realised he’d never admit the truth to either of us, so together we went to his work place and walked in together You ve heard of rabbits in headlights haven’t you ?

Love it, BlueBelle.

You need to have this situation made clear one way or the other.
I would also ring the number and ask who you are speaking to, if it’s a woman, and she won’t say, tell her who you are and see what ensues.

“As I trusted him then” for me that says a lot, he’s the one that has made you sneaky, if you ring the woman he’s going to find out anyway. I’ve been through this and it will drive you mad if you let it , I did what was best for me which was the best thing ever, I challenged and eventually got to the truth, I got divorced. It hurts like hell , you deserve better .

Perhaps ring the number and if a woman answers ask to speak to your husband. If she says she doesn't know him say something on the lines of "oh I am terribly sorry for bothering you but this was the number he gave me to call in an emergency" (hide your number first and do a little voice change).

Otherwise I would go to that bloody flat. "SURPRISE" !

BlueBelle that is priceless!

I know she knows he’s married, as he told her we are parting after out next holiday, (which is already booked). That was part of the conversation I overheard.

Way to go BlueBelle!!

And I agree with the suggestion 're turning up unannounced.

Gma29 make sure you are bearing gifts, for example a home made casserole in a very heavy dish.

Then if you do discover anything ungoward, you can tip it over him then clock him one with the dish!

But on a more serious note, I'm sorry to say that it sounds as if he's doing it again.

I would turn up at the flat ( uninvited of course ) for starters. That way it could settle your thoughts one way or the other, hope for the best but expect the worst.

Does he usually pay his phone bill himself? If not, you could hardly avoid seeing it, could you?

As he already has been unfaithful, I'm not surprised you are suspicious.

I'd phone her and ask if my DH was there, next time he is off boating. You could have a million good reasons for needing to phone him and you only need to think of one before you ring her number.

If she says she has no idea who he is and where he is, you are admittedly no further, so it might be easier just to ask him whose phone number it is.

You say you made it clear that you weren't going to share him, but are you prepared to leave him? If you are, then you have nothing to lose by asking him who the heck this woman is, and why he constantly phones her?

Gma29 posted before your last post.

Seems that all is crystal clear (from what you said that you heard). Well, get in first, dump him before he does the dirty on you.

Chuck him out, clothes in bin bags, and see how he gets on. "She" might not be so keen when she's washing his underwear, and has him around all the time.

Why are you still there and putting up with this?

Same happened to me 6 months ago,woman contacted me on FB messenger and asked who I was as he was her partner of 18 weeks,my reply,I am his partner of 16 years and we live together.
He left when confronted,would like to say it hasnt destroyed my trust or confidence,but it has...good luck Gma

That is horrible, Gma29. It does sound like the least bad thing about this is that forewarned is forearmed.

I know this is your life, your marriage with a lot of history and possibly someone you still love, but nothing can be done to remedy that. You can set about protecting your interests.

It would be in your best interests to see a good divorce lawyer before saying anything to him and finding out where you stand and what you need to do.

Surely it's irrelevant if he thinks checking the bill is sneaky, having a bit on the side like he did last year is a bit more than sneaky so you're justified. He's broken the trust by his actions so do whatever you need to to get to the bottom of what's going on. Tbh when my first husband was cheating I didn't need proof as such I just knew beyond any doubt what he was up to. I did consider a private detective but why pay someone to prove what I already knew. Are you prepared to divorce him is the question. I just asked myself if I was willing to keep going through this year after year and the answer was no. I'm a trusting person and need to be able to trust whoever I'm with and refuse to have my peace of mind ruined by lies. Think about what you'll do with the information once you have it and be prepared to follow it through. If you know you don't want to split then be very clear about what you do want.

You heard him telling some woman that you and he were going to separate after your next holiday, which is already booked, and say in your post title "AIB too supicious, don't want to make a fool of myself"

NO!

You are NOT making a fool of yourself, HE is making a fool of YOU!

You are worth more, and deserve better than this.

It was easier last time, as I felt more confident challenging him, as once I became suspicious, it was all pretty obvious what was going on, and who it was. She was local too, which made it so easy to check up on them before I said anything. He didn’t have a leg to stand on.

This time, I don’t have proof, so I know he’ll deny it, say it’s just a friend, I misheard etc. I suppose I just want to be absolutely sure first, otherwise it’s almost pointless challenging him, as it won’t really get me anywhere. I’ve tried to give him the benefit of the doubt, but am beginning to feel more than a bit gullible. That’s what really stings tbh.

He’s back to the flat at the weekend, so as advised, I feel a sudden urge to visit the coast next week... If that doesn’t work, I’ll have to ring her, and see what I can ferret out that way. If it is an affair, he’s going to be an ex-OH as soon as possible.

Again another in a similar situation (now separated over 7 years, he wanted to live a "single life" he can pay for the divorce)! I wish I'd handled things better but the shock - 23 years married, 28 years together - I'm afraid I went a bit bat crap crazy. Phoned her, threw him out (actual clothes in the street). Sent his phone bill outlining all "their" calls to our friends and his family. I would do things differently now but the rage, utter rage, filled a need ...
I'm sorry, Gma29, it would appear he's leaving. It could be up to you how that happens. Can you spend your (last?) holiday together knowing this and saying nothing?
He needs to be honest with you. His behaviour is disrespectful. How dare he.
There are of course organisations like Relate that may help, but if he's made up his mind I think you have to accept his decision. Even if it's not the woman from last year he's in contact with, it's possible he's looking for another woman as an excuse to leave. And I'm sorry. Any and all women deserve better than that.

*The woman my ex was in contact with was horrified to find out how he felt about her. For her it was flirting and being found attractive by another man. The idea he was set to quit his marriage for her appalled her (her being 33 and him 50). He moved into friends spare room and there he still lives, 7 years! He's had a couple of girlfriends but the 1 long term (wouldn't let him move in) dumped him. Our son is ashamed of him. Am I callous in enjoying the fact his "single life" has led him to that ....

You are right to be suspicious and deserve better.

Any man who goes out to the balcony to make a call to a woman and cannot remember who he was talking to is having an affair.

Anyone who has been cheated on recently has every right to be alert and checking on their partner.

If they are being unfaithful, I would imagine nothing will embarrass them more and satisfy you more than a dramtic confrontation, preferably in public in the presence of the other woman.

Before you go into all these convoluted attempts to catch him out, I do think that you need to ask yourself whether you actually want to be with this man at all. It sounds as though he felt that "sharing" was just fine; but you, quite reasonably, said no to that.

Frankly I would not want to live my life being constantly suspicious of my life's partner and having to think of ways of checking what he is up to.

Woman up! - just go. This is not a sound relationship and you really do need to regain your self-respect and realise you deserve better. No-one - man or woman - should live like this.

I'm genuinely sorry to read of your situation.
The first thing I would do would be to seek some legal advise, you need to protect your own interests financially.
Sending kindest thoughts to you

I would have to go and check up on him when at the flat. I know it's a sneaky thing to do and you wouldn't want to be playing detective. But his behaviour has driven you to it.

I think in your heart you already know he is still cheating. You want to know for sure before you go. If you get proof, are you really ready to leave? I have been through this myself, and for your own self worth I would leave him.