Worried about single daughter/s

The best thing to do as someone else suggested, is to just get out there...join a club, walking group, evening class, whatever... it will give them a much wider circle of friends with none of the pressure of a first date.. and the time to get to know people's true personalities... then who knows where that will lead.. just don't show any hint of desperation...that's the quickest way to lose a potential partner ... good luck to them..I'm sure they'll be fine.. ?

We reckoned our son was a confirmed bachelor, so were pleasantly surprised when he introduced us to the woman (also in her 30s) who became his wife and mother of their child. Never, say never Pollyj

I agree toots but I also think meeting someone via a dating App is quite acceptable these days. There is no longer a stigma. Meetup is another one for mutual interests.
My own DM was like someone in a Victorian novel if we didn't have a boyfriend for a while!
I hope I wasn't like her with our lot who found their partners in their late 20s and early 30s .

There do seem to be an awful lot of singles in their 30's, we have a son of 36 and I live in hope of him finding someone.

Life holds no guarantees with love and meeting Mr Right unfortunately. Another frustration is the biological clock when ladies have strong maternal instincts. It’s the reason so many turn to sperm banks these days, or just obliging male friends. I know lots of people are against these avenues, but we only live once I can see why this happens. Lots of natural fathers turn out to be rotten eggs, so life is basically one big gamble. I hope your daughter finds some happiness ....

I do feel for you. My DD just has just reached 35 and never for a minute did she (or me) think that she would not be in a relationship, with children, by now.
Single men of 35 and up to 40 can easily date women of 30 and younger. A lot of men she meets are not looking for a serious relationship with someone in their mid thirties. She is pretty, kind and thoughtful. She is such a good friend to a wide circle of people. She has had her own home for ten years and a great job.
I’ve honestly thought of starting an old fashioned marriage bureau as there must be others in the same situation!
I know marriage and babies are not the sole answer to a happy life and tell myself she is better off that someone going through a bitter divorce, but it still saddens me sometimes.
Anyway, chin up! We never know what is around the corner and life can change in an instant!

I didn't think my daughter would ever meet anybody as her relationships were either "friends with benefits" or short lived. Naturally, even the former relationships soured because deep down, she wanted more. She is a difficult girl to have a relationship and I wondered what would happen to her. She has found someone and they have two children but as far as I can see, happiness alludes her. Now I dread the day it all comes apart because there is no compromise in either of them.

My two girls were both in their 30's before meeting their partners.
I thought they never would. 30's now are like 20's in our day and they found most men of that age had no wish to commit and as Marie says, when older they looked for younger women.
I never expected to be a grandmother but now have two (mostly) delightful grandchildren.

My daughter was in a relationship at 21, had a child at 26 but the relationship had already broken down. She raised her son alone and always said she would never marry. At 33 she started chatting to a man on a local website and after several months they arranged to meet, the both had doubts and both nearly didn't turn up but thank god they did. I hadn5seen her so happy for years, within 6 months of being with him she was off her anti-depressants and hasn't needed them since. They have been together 5 yrs, married for 3 and have a 20 month old daughter. He is a wonderful step dad to her 11 yr old son and we couldn't ask for a better son-in-law.
It's never too late and there is nothing wrong with meeting people on line as long as you take your time and take all the right precautions.

I feel for you, I really do. I find there isn't a lot we as parents can say or do to help.

Sometimes trying to be constructive is wrong and other times being sympathetic is wrong and then there are times when everything/ anything we say is taken as support.

I have 2 DD's eldest settled with 1 DGD.

The youngest is 37 single for a long time. She also has many times when she wishes she could find a partner.

She is a member of a Running Club, work permitting sings in in a couple of Choirs, goes to lots of social events and travels widely. Still no luck.

When I say she travels widely, her Godparents live in the USA and she tries to see them twice a year. She is a Global Quality Manager so lots of business travel - normally. She has even had to travel twice in Lockdown, she wasn't happy but needs must and all that.

She meets lots of people through work and her social life but still after all the time she's been single there's no one. She has tried On-Line dating but that hasn't worked out well and right now she's not doing it.

As for these DD looking at themselves, it never hurts but there are things about ourselves that put other people off that we don't want to change.

I don't know about your DD Pollyj but my DD doesn't want to change her job or her friends but is always looking at ways to "knock the edges off" her words.

There is only so much anyone should have to change before they lose themselves and that would be a move too far.

My DD and some of her friends think it's because they are independent people with homes and money of there own so they would 'Like' a partner rather than 'Need' a partner.

One of DD's friends wanted children so much she had IVF and is successfully and happily a single mum. She owns her house, got all her childcare, and finances sorted such that she works part-time and doesn't get any benefits.

Very brave, I get it, her family are very supportive. She would have liked to be a family with both parents, just like the one she grew up in. However, she said her clock was ticking and at least there wouldn't be any messy Ex if there is a partner in the future.

Having said all that I do feel sad for any singles but thankfully more and more people are finding partners at different times in their lives so we have to keep the faith and stay positive for our children.

Wishing all the single people looking for a partner lots of luck because it seems a certain amount of luck is needed.

My DD was just the same. She had one very long relationship (10 years). We tried to be nice to him while all the time knowing it would not last.
She was the same with her careers. She got a good law degree but became a journalist, then turned personal trainer and now works as a software engineer for a large multi-national and loves it.
In the meantime she chucked loser boyfriend out of her flat and within 2 years found her present husband. She married just short of her 40th birthday and they are very happy as are we.
Things seem to take longer these days. Do not despair.

I have five sons aged 28 -40. Only one of them is in a relationship - he was married at 25, has two beautiful daughters but he left the marriage and is in a new relationship. Two of the others have been in relationships in the past but all four are currently single.
As for myself, I ended my last relationship 12 years ago at the age of 44 and at first felt compelled to find someone new. But as each date led to disappointment I realised that I didn’t actually want a relationship! Since then I have been happily single, discovered who I really am, realised that I am on the Autistic Spectrum and had spent my whole life trying to be acceptable to society, as well as husbands/partners. I love my life now, I don’t feel embarrassed by my hobbies, or pretend to be sociable. For example my ex husband told me I was boring now, and I replied, ‘Well I don’t care. You don’t have to talk to me.’ I think he found a new respect for me. I’m not saying I would turn someone down if they were perfect for me, but as that is incredibly unlikely I am more than happy to stay as I am!

My DD1 was in a similar position. Things accidentally went wrong with the true love of her life and it took her years to even start to recover. All her friends were married with children. DD was fed up of being a bridesmaid and godmother. At a very weak moment she was introduced to a friends BiL. A sweet, kind, gentle man, but totally wrong for her. Two years later she married him, desperate to settle down and have children. It turns out that his sperm count is virtually zero and IVF has failed. She is now so unhappy . He knows this and is so sad. She will never leave him as she knows it would break his heart and she couldn't bare to do that. Don't let your daughters rush in to any relationship out of panic. They will be better off alone than with the wrong person.,

Some years ago I ran a small dating agency for my local area. I managed to marry off 3 couples and I was very happy about that! I gave it up as it took up too much time and I was working full time anyway.
I have tried a few dating agencies myself in recent years since my husband died. I had a few dates and decided it wasn't for me after all. The men all seemed lovely from their profiles but when I met them in real life they were all too pushy.
Your daughter may have better luck with dating agencies. But you do have to be careful and always meet in a public place, as I used to tell my clients.

Actually, at 32 you don't have a lot of time as far as having children is concerned. Fertility in both sexes does tend to lessen as you progress towards 40.

Most countries have a ban on adoption after the age of 40 and probably on fertility treatment as well.

Men in the age group your daughter is looking at, may already have children and not want more!

So it is time for your daughter to work out why her relationships fail and she may need professional help to do so.

I hope and trust she will find a man while there is still a possiblity of children, but you and she need to be realistic about this.

There is nothing more guaranteed to repel suitors than someone who is desperate /needy/lonely , no matter how beautiful they are.
Take all the excellent advise of the other posters, and kick back and stop mentally pushing yourselves into a corner.

My friend was 42, had never met anyone she liked, let alone would marry. So she got on with her life. She adored Rumi the poet so went on a Rumi holiday to Turkey, was sitting near his shrine, when a man said hello. They married and have really stayed in love! I had an unhappy marriage and being 45 I prayed for help and found myself deciding being on my own for the rest of my life was a better option. I divorced. Three months later went to a ‘retreat’ met my husband fell in love, and am living happily ever after. Another friend was 39 and was worried. I said love yourself, then figure out your priorities in a man and pray. She went on reputable dating app. She’s very happily married with two children.
Sometimes women pick a man for looks who’s the last thing they need. So a good looker who beats women, or a suave charmer who cheats. Girls must know what their priorities are. If it’s faithfulness he might not be suave or rich etc Sometimes prayers work best.

My eldest daughter was 40 when she finally got married and has been very happy, especially after having her daughter. My other daughter - I despair of her finding a partner, but she claims her 6 year old son is all she needs!!

They will find partners when they are good and ready!

I have three highly suitable sons, none of whom ever seemed to be interested in girls. However, two of them are now married to young women who pursued them with great determination and who deployed psychology and persuasive charm to get what they wanted. They are splendid DiLs. So girls, don’t hesitate. I still have one to spare ....

Just a thought. Why is it now almost the normal thing to have a series of "relationships"? Whatever happened to marriage?

A series of relationships mean that those are attempts to make it work with the other person to achieve the same goals together - marriage, long term relationship, living together, just have fun, etc.

It either didn't work and they broke up, the relationship fulfilled its goal and they moved on, etc.

Marriage is not always the end goal for everybody

Pollyj I could almost have written your post. I was on the verge of starting a similar thread. I have two, beautiful daughters, different personalities, educated, charming, kind, good jobs. The older one is happily independent, feels no need to marry and have children, but she is a romantic soul and could I think be persuaded by the right man. The other daughter has been unlucky in love and yes, in danger of appearing a bit desperate, but dearly wants to 'partner up' and have babies. It's so difficult to meet anyone. She has tried joining things and online dating. Perhaps Gransnet could start a matchmaking service and we could put our lonely adult children in touch with similar. I know my younger daughter would be up for it as she's even asked me if I know anyone who might be suitable! 36 years ago, a 'friend' told me I was getting left on the shelf aged 21! So I felt pressure to marry ... almost anyone, and met my husband (my one and only) through an agency. I was shy and with no self-esteem, but felt that I needed to get married as all my contemporaries were, or else be, a spinster and a failure. My husband-to-be was similar really, so we had the same sort of aims. Still together, for better, for worse... . I am so very glad those stupid days are over when it was a race to see who could get an engagement ring on their finger first. I wish I'd had enough self belief to know that I could exist singly.

I suggest she reads a book by Rachel Greenwald, The Program: Fifteen Steps to Finding A Husband After 30 Paperback. There are other similarly useful books. She needs to use her learning to formulate attendance at suitable activities and act in ways that support mate finding and recognising when she has met a suitable person.

you are right to be concerned and willing to help your daughter. I have nieces just coming up for 40 who are now considering going for artificial insemination and wondering if they can bring up a child on one income!!! You should look at your net work and find out who amongst your friends have unmarried sons or who have friends with unmarried brothers etc and set up some family parties over Christmas if Covid 19 allows.

All the best

It will probably happen naturally and I am sure your girls will find happiness. A friend of mine who was a total disaster with men gave up after broken engagements etc and all of a sudden she met this man totally out of the blue. She was in her late 30's by then and 6 weeks later they were married! 34 years they are still married and very happy. Sometimes when you go looking for these things to happen they don't and it does come along very quietly in the end.

Lynnp

A year ago my daughter was in exactly the same position feeling lonely and wondering if she would ever find somone. She is 32 and has had couple of past relationships that didn't work out. She had been on her own for five years and had even bought a dog! (which helped her hugely btw). Last summer she met her current partner and their baby was born last Monday. Not that I would necessarily recommend such speed and it wasn't planned but they are both totally besotted with the baby and committed to making it work. The point is that things can change so quickly and unexpectedly so your daughter shouldn't give up hope. I wish her all the best.

Thank you. X