Relationship faltering since birth of DS3

Bluebelle
Good post

Why take back expensive earrings which were a birthday present?

You sound as if you are very needy, OP.
And your parents sound as if they are nervous of your reactions.

I'm sorry about how you feel but I can't help wondering if your mother won't be posting on here saying what hard work she finds you and after all they have done for you regarding upbringing , uni, paying for your wedding (lucky you!) you have thrown their very nice gift back in their face. Not everybody can be outgoing and charming all the time are they keeping health problems from you and maybe mum tells a few fibs to try and keep you happy. They must be quite elderly now even in her fifties my mum never said a lot during my pregnancies after the first one I found out she had had the most horrendous time herself. Sometimes there is a back story you don't know.

Thank you for all your replies, lots to think about and a few things to clarify.

I will try and answer all. I am new to online message boards - this is only my second ever post and first on this forum. I had assumed that DS3 referenced gender and age (I have a 3yr old son who is indeed my parents first grandchild). I am an only child.

@H1954 to suggest that I’m ‘Not quite right’ because I used the term DS3 incorrectly made me laugh out loud so I’d like to thank you for that

@bluebelle I guess I just thought that they might say it, you know? My friend said to me, in conversation, shortly after my son was born. ‘You’re such a good mum, so calm and nurturing’ then she just moved on with the conversation. I didn’t think I needed to be told anything like that but it hit me like a train. It remember it, clear as a bell, to this the day, the kindness and sincerity in her eyes. My MIL then said something similar sometime later - again just out of the blue and It was lovely but also made me a little sad that this type of encouragement/praise or whatever you would like to call it will probably never come from my parents.

I did give the gift back, my dad has on several occasions thrown back in my face the expensive things they have given me over the years. He does this when I ask them not to speak to me in a negative way or roll their eyes at me etc in front of my son. So I now feel that their gifts come with strings attached, therefore I have ask them not to give expensive gifts to me or my husband any more. I had hoped this may encourage them to call me on my birthday or perhaps arrange a picnic etc but instead they just post a card through my letterbox when they know I won’t be at home. Until this year when I got a one line text from my mum and the earrings left on the doorstep when I was at work.

It’s hard to explain a relationship in a few posts and perhaps I was wrong to try. I just thought that perhaps someone may have been in this situation and/or have the view from my parents perspective.

It’s seems like my expectations are too high, I need to accept them for who they are, deal with my wish for interest in my life/praise etc and move forward. Which was, at the end of the day, the reason for my post. I suspect that this may be easier typed than done.....

....but once typed it is there for you to see and act upon! - can't take it back now!!!

My parents never once remotely hinted that I was dong a good job of being a mother; nor indeed anything else at all! Praise and support were simply not in their repertoire. What did I do about that?.......I let it wash by, took them for what they were (products of their own upbringing) and got on with life.

I really do believe that this is what you need to do. You are so lucky to have your little son - and take it from me he will be a grown man and gone from your home before you can blink! - so you need to make the most of what you do have and try and let go those things that you would ideally like but that you do not have.

Life is very tough indeed if you cannot learn to do that. There will be so many things that you might wish for that do not happen in the course of your life and learning to deal with that is a life skill that we all have o develop.

Onwards and upwards with your lovely little family!

I know it's nice when someone compliments us on a job well done, or for being a good mother, but I certainly wouldn't let the lack of it undermine my confidence in what I was doing, especially if the lack of a compliment was from someone that I already had a fractious relationship with. If you know you're doing a good job and your DS is thriving and happy, that's enough, no approbation needed.

I'm not sure why, if you've told your parents to stop giving you gifts, why they'd now feel comfortable in arranging for you all going on a picnic to celebrate your birthday. You could, however, suggest the birthday picnic to them and see how it goes.

Sounds like expectations are too high on both sides StrawberryShortcake I would take a step back from all this and see what you really want from the relationship.
You have your own family now so concentrate on your life with them, you don't need approval from your parents any more you are a grown up. Don't waste any more time on this just enjoy your life with your son.

@luckygirl yes you are right! It’s a shame some parents aren’t more engaged with their children as adults, or perhaps it’s the adult children having unrealistic expectations. You certainly seem to have embraced the positives, which I try to do on the whole.

@chewbacca thank you, yes you’re right I don’t need it but I guess I wanted it. Perhaps I don’t need to change our relationship, I just need to accept it for what it is.

Looking back I think that I hoped asking my parents to stop giving me expensive gifts would encourage them to be more thoughtful. I thought they might want to see me on my birthday or at least ring me to wish me a happy birthday, Or yes even perhaps a picnic or coffee and cake somewhere.

I guess I was trying to get them to be more thoughtful as these are the things I do for them. I give them a nice gift as I know they like this, but I also do something thoughtful and meaningful as well. Which I will continue to do as that’s my character and my parents like it or at least they tell me they do.

@luluaugust you make a very good point, my parents may very well think I am hard work and I did come here looking for a view from their perspective so thank you for that. I wonder how I’d broach this with them and if they’d be truthful in their response?

They’re not elderly and are fit and well, I don’t think they are hiding a health condition as they don’t usually but I can’t be sure, if they are hiding it I wouldn’t know. I paid my way through Uni and for most of my wedding but yes my parents did insist on paying for part of both, I was very uncomfortable with them paying for parts of my wedding but my mum got very upset and I let her to keep the piece. I thanked them for this so much I was told off for thanking them too much. To have it thrown back in my face was a shock, I didn’t think my dad would do that. They did get things they wanted for my wedding which I may not have chosen and my mum was unhelpful personally but I realise she was very helpful financially and so I was thankful. She did get annoyed with me the morning of my wedding which was a shame and she wore the same new perfume that I did on my wedding day. She came shopping with me to help me chose it (I bought it) and I told her I was going to wear a perfume I’d never worn before so that every time I smelt it, it would always remind me of my wedding day. It just reminds me of her now so I don’t use it anymore. Anyway I digress.

Thank you again for your advice, I think I will try and let anything they say to me just wash over me and challenge them if they are dismissive to my son and/or reduce his contact with them a bit. He only sees them on video chat currently because of the COVID-19 pandemic so there’s not much to limit. Before that it was about once every 2 weeks for an hour or so at their choosing.

So glad to hear you're in a much better place now StrawberryShortcake and finding a more positive way forward.

And yet, this issue with my parents consumes so much of me, of my time, my energy, my thoughts
And this is your whole problem shortcake you haven’t got perfect parents ...who has? but you have parents who are probably trying in their own way even if it’s not your way

Forget all their faults, their inconsistencies, their inability to act as you expect them want them to act, put all you thoughts and desires and energy into your own family and let your parents see the grandson and just be their normal very flawed selves

Acceptance is the key to happiness ....try it

There used to be a belief that complimenting children woukd make them big headed. As for not saying you are a good mum, they may well think you are but have not thought of saying so. I am not sure my mum ever did either.
Try not to overthink the situation and I hope things resolve for you.

i feel for you OP.
they sounds like narcs.
they resent the attention given to your baby son, and disrupt his rest and feed routines.
you mother chooses to sabotage your stated wish about the perfume you chose for your wedding day.
it's like they have to elbow their way into everything and make themselves centre stage.
the gifts are part of this: look what we did, how big our gift.
there is something wrong with them, and i think you feel it more keenly as you develop your own parenting style.
of course your mother would not even recognise/ value nurturing; far less commend you on it; it's not her thing. it's an empty category.
i think you are sad, grieving the lack of parenting that you are trying to give your own son. which is understandable.
you are trying to work through it. a part of you is still the child psychologically.
ditch that counsellor. read up on narcs, and co-dependency.
keep a journal. could be spoken one, easier for busy mum.
by the way i too misunderstood age for child number three. but instead of thinking you were wrong, or up to something ! i merely persevered and found another equally valid interp.

Thank you Welbeck

You’ve had loads of different perspectives here as food for thought. My tuppence worth is to ask what would a decent relationship with your parents look like to you? You know them best, so you’ll be aware of limitations. So is it a phone call every month and casual visits? I think that if you can get on board with a frequency you’re comfortable with then you won’t be disappointed. It’s horrible to realise you don’t have the relationship you imagined or thought you did and it’ll take time to come to terms with.
My hunch is that the gift thing has hurt them. Whilst I understand your logic and completely agree that a gift is only a gift if it comes without strings, it may be that by refusing their perceived generosity they feel you’re rejecting them.
I hope you can work through this and from an internet stranger, it sounds like you’re doing a great job at this motherhood lark!!

welbeck

i feel for you OP.
they sounds like narcs.
they resent the attention given to your baby son, and disrupt his rest and feed routines.
you mother chooses to sabotage your stated wish about the perfume you chose for your wedding day.
it's like they have to elbow their way into everything and make themselves centre stage.
the gifts are part of this: look what we did, how big our gift.
there is something wrong with them, and i think you feel it more keenly as you develop your own parenting style.
of course your mother would not even recognise/ value nurturing; far less commend you on it; it's not her thing. it's an empty category.
i think you are sad, grieving the lack of parenting that you are trying to give your own son. which is understandable.
you are trying to work through it. a part of you is still the child psychologically.
ditch that counsellor. read up on narcs, and co-dependency.
keep a journal. could be spoken one, easier for busy mum.
by the way i too misunderstood age for child number three. but instead of thinking you were wrong, or up to something ! i merely persevered and found another equally valid interp.

“They sound like narcs”............ Instant diagnosis by GN

Sounds as though you are an only child. I was too and I think my parents found difficulty in 'losing' me to my husband, even though they thought he was wonderful. They showed little interest in my children and our relationship became more strained the older they became. Such a shame, but I never found a solution.

Don't estrange yourself from them. So they're not perfect. Are you?

I agree with Welbeck. I also have always had a very difficult relationship with my Mum, but one thing I did do for my own sanity years ago, was to stop expecting any praise or validation from her. Just take a step back from your parents, your main focus now is your own little family. Many times I tried to calmly chat to my mum re our relationship, but I was just wasting my breath. She is a control freak and has absolutely no empathy for others, she talks over me and dismisses all I say. She is 90 now, I’ve been in the driving seat of our relationship for years now as I had to shift the control. She hates it, but sadly I don’t care. I’ve an amazing relationship with my 3 and have total control of my own life. I know deep in my heart that I’ve done everything possible to enhance our relationship, but I long ago just accepted it’s a 2 way street and she won’t even meet me half way. It’s very sad of course, but life’s too short to let others drag you down.

I admire you strawberryshortcake for trying to work through what is going on in your relationship with your parents and how you might make it better. I kind of wish therapy/mindful behaviour was a more everyday 'thing'. As I age, I realise more and more how I might have been more thoughtful when I was younger. As it happens, my experience was the opposite of yours - my parents were lovely, genuinely emotionally intelligent, and though my mum took care to tell me that I was a wonderful daughter (bless her) every day I wish I'd given her more of my 'adult' attention and listened to her more. Great relationships may not be possible, but I think it's impressive that you're trying to improve things if you possibly can. This thread has certainly brought out a lot of angles to think about so I hope you find it's been worth being so open.

On the returning of the gift - gifts are representations of love, and in my book, you NEVER return a gift. It's one of the most hurtful things you can do to someone. If you don't like the gift, dispose of it discreetly and don't mention it again. If referred to in conversation, say it was lovely, and that you've put it away for a special occasion or whatever. Your parents chose those ear rings for you - they must be devastated.

It's really sad to say but just because you are related to someone doesn't mean you can have a relationship with them. Do take time to reflect on things if it helps you but don't let this become a burden. Your parents don't live with you so you can spend your time with the joyful and rewarding relationships in your home and draw happiness from that. You work hard and deserve all the love and support you get from your own family. You already treat your parents kindly and with courtesy and that's the best you can do with anyone. Don't expect what your parents can't give and just put to one side the sad little world they have chosen to inhabit. You don't belong there. Don't waste time trying to explain or to make things right. People who have chosen to retreat completely into their own little selfish version of life can be left there without feeling bad. It was their choice and it doesn't have to hurt you. Always remember that you didn't choose things to be like this - they did. What a sad sad pity that they don't realise what they've missed out on in their last years. I see so many of my contemporaries doing exactly the same.
Don't bother returning the earrings. Just say a polite thank you and put them in a cupboard. Anything else will just pull you into miseryland with the pair of them with you trying to reason with the unreasoned. I'm really really sorry that you don't have the loving caring parents you deserve.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

@Quizzer yes I am an only child, our stories sound similar. I’m sorry you didn’t get a resolution. It’s hard isn’t it?

@missiseff I have never spoken of estrangement. My question was “how do I take positive steps to rebuild the relationship”. Nor have I discussed perfection.

@coconut, thank you for sharing your experience, it’s so sad isn’t it. You are right, we can’t control others only our reactions and actions.

@Cd783 Thank you, you are very kind and yes it has definitely been worth sharing my situation to gain all these perspectives. You sound like a very kind person with insight and honestly, please forgive yourself. You were and still are your parents child, they love you

I would suggest you google narcissism.

You cannot make people what they are not. I think you must accept them and their foibles. They may be finding it difficult being grandparents and accepting that you are doing things differently to how they would do it. I would accept the earrings with a thank you and say no more. It seems that your last visit went reasonably well so take comfort in this. Try not to be so negative when the eyes roll, and if it is that bad make your excuses and leave. When money is mentioned, again thank them and make it a positive comment.

I do hope things improve for you but you may find this may take a long time and it may transpire that there may be underlying issues with your parents that you know nothing about yet.

Have a google at "Childhood emotional neglect" or CEN. If it resonates, be aware that it can ripple through the generations - sometimes getting better (as might be the case with your little family) and sometimes getting worse. If it is a factor here, it may be that your son is bringing back all kinds of unhappy and unwelcome feelings to your parents. Not their fault; something to bear in mind when you deal with them. The book Running on Empty offers some potential ways of dealing with it. And please bear in mind that I may be barking up the wrong tree in the wrong forest entirely here!