Staying with daughter really confused

On a practical level, if you can afford it, I would book a private physio appointment, so you can be shown some exercises that will help while you wait for the NHS.

I would also, if you felt able, have a conversation with your daughter and son-in-law together, along the lines of ‘I realise we should have discussed expectations, my contribution to costs etc, before, but better late than never. This is what I suggest (and be clear what you are asking and offering, eg a set sum per week to cover your/dog food, a contribution towards an extra utilities, a couple of quid for petrol if you are regularly getting lifts; how much time you will spend with them/in your room; what jobs around the place you can realistically do; and so on), is that acceptable? If not, what do you suggest?’

I’d also be talking to your GP about getting some care support, which would make your life easier and free up some of your daughter’s time, presumably.

And on an emotional level, if any child of mine shouted at me, they’d get the sharp edge of my tongue. Honestly, just tell her, as you would any other rude boor, that it’s unacceptable, that you have no intention of engaging with her when she shouts or speaks rudely to you, but you’ll listen when she treats you with some common courtesy. And mean it.

When I was a child my mother once told me "You are a guest in this house until you begin to pay your way." Even once I began to pay my way I still felt like a guest!

Unfortunately when you live in someone elses home - by choice or not - it is their rules. I would never have taken my own mother in and I hated having to stay in my parents house for any reason, once having left it. I even hated having to stay there for the christmas holidays because as a non driver I was stuck there for three days.

As for the fridge incident I would never have dreamed of taking anything from someone elses fridge without checking/asking first. Even as an adult I would not have just taken things from the fridge or cupboard during a visit unless my host invited me to help myself. At the same time my young nephews used to go and takes crisps, ice cream etc without a moments thought. It must be a generational thing.

Maybe your DD is right in a way. Maybe you should ask your son for help. ask a busy person and all that
At least he should know that not everything in the garden is rosy.
I would be planning my escape.
My DD can be horrible to me too and it makes me nervous walking on eggshells.
I blame it on hormones.

I hope you can stick it out but it sounds unbearable with the pain of fractures as well as grudging hosts
Do you have a friend who could put you up?

What a difficult situation for you, I am sorry. I wouldn't go looking for physio before January, even if you could get it. I had a broken arm and shoulder and had to wait six weeks before physio and then very gentle exercises, so do be careful.
If no opportunity occurs beforehand you could talk to the physio when you see them, you definitely need a planned way out of your situation.
I know its not always true but I do think younger people even 50 year olds have difficulty appreciating the problems of old age, I know I did. I know better now.
Take care of yourself and if you feel you can stand up for yourself a bit do.

When my mum was in her 90's I once was worried and ( a little bit ) cross with her for not eating . She filled up and said please don't shout at me ( I didn't shout, just said something ). But to this day, long after she has died I can't forget that moment.
Just saying grannygranby, your daughter might not realise how sensitive parents can feel when poorly and reliant on them, although she should have got the message when you cried.
Best wishes, hope you get well soon , please keep posting if you need to.

Good post luluaugust

Many people don't find it hard having anyone, however closely related, staying in their home for even a few days, let alone long term.
Sadly, if its part of DD and/or SIL's character now, I doubt very much that anything you say or do is likely to improve the situation. Quite the opposite in fact - anything you say, any perceived criticism, is likely to make them even more resentful of your presence.

I'm sorry, OP, and I honestly dont think you have done a thing wrong, but I really do think that you need to make other arrangements as soon as possible for both your sake and theirs.

Sorry - ignore don't in the first sentence of my above post.

In the line of biglouis' thoughts

1. Was it discussed in the hospital how long recovery would take?
2. How long you would stay there?
3. What your needs would be?
4. How often did you give them money?
It may seem a big amount to you but depending on what their expenses have increased, may not be enough (hard to say with info given)

3 weeks is a long time to stay as a guest in anybody's home (for whatever reason and DNA link involved) so it is natural frictions are beginning to happen

Why would you think you can influence what and when they eat?
It is their home

You also say your sil seems jealous of you as he wants his wife's attention - How much time is she dedicating to you that could be preventing them from doing their usual routine?

It is not up to you to approve or not how they talk to each other (harshly or not), it is their marriage.
You clearly judge them there and not approve of it.
What other situations do you feel like that and they may feel your disapproval

Staying at your daughter's is no longer working out
I would honestly look for other arrangements and get out of there - a good and positive place helps with recovery and healing

I am sorry to hear of your accident. Since your daughter loves the dogs, I wonder if you could get by at home and leave the dogs with her. If you are not going out, but can wash, perhaps just wear fresh nightclothes twice a day, skip the bra and keep warm with a heated throw (heat might also help the pain). Very loose tops to ease dressing. Online order of ready meals and snacks. This is compromise for you both. Come back for more support. Others have suggested gentle exercise. It is important not to stiffen up. 💐

When I had my knee replaced I began physio within 10 days. If affordable maybe begin physio now (I know yours is not a knee, but equal in pain).

We have 3 small very demanding dogs requiring a lot of exercise. Care for them after my surgery (and after husband's same surgery a year later) was difficult for quite a few months, though we had help. Perhaps make sure you have adequate help with your dog for when you move home?

Do you have any friends or close relatives i.e. a sister who you could stay with? So you have any savings where you could check yourself into a care home for a few weeks? I would most certainly not tolerate that kind of behaviour from my daughter and my dear mother would have torn a strip off me if I had behaved like that towards her. Perhaps its time for a bit of honesty with both your children, son in law and daughter in law. They sound very self entitled and I ask myself why should we tread lightly around our children to keep the peace.

3 weeks is a long time. So make plans to leave soon after Christmas, go back home with help on a daily basis and physio. Leave on good terms- but perhaps think about your will too!

Fleurpepper

3 weeks is a long time. So make plans to leave soon after Christmas, go back home with help on a daily basis and physio. Leave on good terms- but perhaps think about your will too!

I agree with Fleur. You need to leave after Christmas. Not because you have done anything wrong - you haven't - but because the situation is not working out and it's not good for any of you. Ask you dd and sil to help you make arrangements to move home. Perhaps they could be prevailed upon to keep your dogs for a little while longer?

So sorry for your plight. The trouble is that children can take over when the parent is in need as you are. I saw my brother get bossy with my parents when the situation arose. He loved them and would do anything for them but frustration would arise. I did not behave like that and found that quiet discussions with them was accepted. However, we are all different. Just ride this out, get home as soon as poss and check out help with your dogs. There are plenty of dog walkers/ carers around. The dogs will thank you for their walks and they will be more settled for you as you recover. I hurt my shoulder once and have never forgotten the pain. So sorry for you.

Thanks so much for advice aptly taken. Things have calmed down and Christmas was fine with lots of relations on SIL side so everyone behaved better.
Shoulder still very bad and painful which is worrying not
Sleeping tired, I think these crises take some getting used to. They are not going to quickly get better with all the will in the world. Tomorrow my son and family will be visiting so pretty full on.
Thanks for all understanding and giving me strength xxxx

Are you sufficiently able to go home now do you think?

Could you go home and arrange a private carer to come in as needed? Or a cleaner who would also be able to help getting in bits of shopping? You could also order online.

I know in the same circumstances I would be out from under my relative's feet as soon as possible because I would hate living in someone elses house.

I had to spend a couple of weeks living with a nephew in his flat for a couple of weeks some years ago. I had my own bedroom and spent a lot of time in there on the computer. I also took myself out of the house for a couple of hours each day, even if it was only to walk around the area. It gave us both some private time and headspace.

It's good to hear that things have been more relaxed for you over Christmas. There is much good advice here from those who've already posted. May I just add something, based on my recent experience of surgery?

As I recovered from open heart surgery in hospital, we were expected to be out of bed from breakfast onwards. One lady repeatedly returned to her bed but was told that this was not a good idea. I presume this was because of the risk of blood clots. Although physio exercises may not be appropriate for you yet, perhaps you need to become more mobile for the sake of the muscles in your limbs.

I hope the pleasanter atmosphere pervades after the Christmas festivities and wish you luck with your recovery. Meanwhile, is it possible to get some advice on managing the pain from your shoulder? Being in constant pain must be very wearing for you and won't help matters.

I wanted to cry when I read your post and I am deeply sorry that you are having to go through so much crap with your daughter and her husband. That horrible incident with the cheese. I havent seen or spoken to my daughter in over 8 years. She is a bossy thing as well. All I can say is that there is a light at the end of the tunnel when you get better and go home. Sending you love and hugs and hope you can stay strong.

grannygranby - and everyone - for future reference - I'd like you all to be aware of the reablement/intermediate care support available. It's free of charge, whatever your circumstances - and everyone is entitled to it:

www.nhs.uk/conditions/social-care-and-support-guide/care-services-equipment-and-care-homes/care-and-support-you-can-get-for-free/#:~:text=You%20may%20be%20eligible%20for,independent%20as%20you%20were%20before.

I feel so upset for you and I m sure your daughter is good at heart and loves you ( which shows in her care getting you to hospital quickly) but ….
Here is your answer * I have always found SIL difficult he is very possessive of my daughter’s attention and has always been distant emotionally so this is not easy arrangement*
She is trying to placate you both and you are the easiest one to hurt as she knows you ll always be there for her no matter what whereas she may have a tougher time from the husband

I would leave asap even if you have to pay someone to help you make a room easier for you (ie bed downstairs if a downstairs loo etc etc ) have you got a decent garden the dogs can romp in for a few weeks, if not pay a student to take them for a walk on their leads (students always need money) and if they are big strong dogs maybe pay someone to walk with you the first few times you go out Students may seem awful on masse but there are some very kind kids around and a bit of money will always be helpful as you live in a student area

I think for what’s it’s worth your daughter wanted to look after you but has taken a lot of stick from him indoors about her time money care dogs etc
Mother daughter relationships can be tough and as we get older we can feel the roles are getting reversed
Summing up
I don’t think you’re daughter is unloving of you ❤️
I do think she is husband lead🤬
I think for all involved go home asap even if you are worried you won’t manage…. you will you know 🙏

Seems you are stuck grannygrannby for a little while longer. Glad your Christmas was better than you thought it might be and you have ds visiting today.

If you are still in great pain have you discussed with the medics if you could have some stronger pain killers although obviously you don’t want to become dependent on them? I have a dd who can be lovely one minute but a raging termagent another which practically reduces me to tears and makes me feel depressed, so I’m sure with your shoulder hurting you are going to feel very low.

Perhaps it might help if you showed you are grateful to dd and sil by sending them some flowers saying so, or buy a bottle of their favourite drink, with a card saying thank you. Thank everyone you see and say how wonderful they are and how appreciative you are. It might make them feel incredibly mean and cause them to behave in a better way. It may not, of course.

It is so hard to know what to advise you.

Basically, I think, you either have to try and not mind your daughter and son-in-law's manner, which won't make you feel better, but probably will keep the peace, or else you have to query some of the statements made.

For example, why is your daughter calling you lazy? She surely can't be expecting you to help with housework with those injuries? Does she mean that you are not doing what your doctor has said you could? Or that there are tasks you could help with, but haven't offered to?

If your dogs can digest the food given, then I would say nothing, unless she is accustoming them to food that you won't be able to afford when you move home.

The digs about your not asking her brother for help, can and should be replied to by you. He has enough on his plate, seemingly. How does she expect him to cope with more? Did she offer or was she pressurized into saying you could stay with them?

I would ask her nicely not to shout at you, but to sit down and in a normal tone of voice tell you what you have done to upset her.

It is obvious to me that she is behaving now in a manner that you would not have let her do growing up. Presumably, she and her husband have fallen into this form of communication, but that does not mean you have to put up with it.

Sparklefizz - how I can relate to your making a note of your DDs hormones. I mentally do the same with mine. I find with both my AC that they seem to think I should be able to do things I did when I was young and accuse me of being slow or forgetful. I think it can be hard for them seeing us getting old. I was the same with my Mum - always telling her to pull herself together and that she should still be able to do the garden etc and getting frustrated with her. Now of course I realise she couldn't do those things. Also some people have more patience than others so it's how we're made I guess. Your DDs life has been interrupted and she's finding it stressful. I don't think it's really a reflection on you.