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Staying with daughter really confused

(109 Posts)
grannygranby Wed 21-Dec-22 08:40:23

I recently had an accident in the woods walking dogs with DD. I fractured my shoulder in three places and she got me to the hospital in her car. As we couldn’t risk the wait for ambulance. I was and am in great pain. The hospital said I could not cope alone and I went to my daughters to stay.
And I am so confused.
On one hand very grateful to be taken in by her and husband. (In their fifties no children large house comfortably off) but she is very bossy and rude and I don’t know how to deal with it so I am reaching out anonymously and safely as one doesn’t want to say negative things about daughter to friends.. too difficult. And she is doing so much. She really is.
Ok one issue or it could be a book, money. I am on a state pension but also have a small business which is hardly covering its costs. Otherwise I just have a state pension and we know how small that is. I have some savings which I live off as income not sufficient though I live quite frugally after years of low income. I inherited some money from my mums estate when she died.
So I have been here three weeks today. I have twice put £200 in her bank account as contribution. and I paid..for shopping once when I went with her. The point is husband once accused me of knowing there was some cheese in the fridge so must have been snooping. I eat what I’m given, am very praising but have no agency. It is a nightmare. Went to Lidl yesterday with her I asked for a couple of oranges some nuts and biscuits for my room as I am very unstable and it’s a long way to the kitchen and I don’t feel I can help myself with confidence. I Spend a lot of time in bed as it’s warm and the only place where arm doesn’t hurt too badly on lots of painkillers.
Last night over dinner they implied I was selfish and greedy. Sometimes they get takeaways, husband pays, I don’t know if he knows how much i have put in her account.
They have a dog and I have two which they are also looking after and DD takes them for a walk every day ( we used to do this before the accident) but I’m not allowed any influence on what and when they eat. Still overall grateful.
If ever I say anything she tells me I am rude and demanding. I’m not.
She is a perfectionist and a doer not a talker. But she does things in a bad tempered way. Sometimes in the evening after a drink but not drunk she is very loud and jolly so I get the two extremes, there seems to be no middle register.
I need help to get me through this till I am able to leave (and drive and go back home) she keeps telling me I am lazy etc etc I just don’t know the answer.
I start physio in January till then the humerus hopefully starts to fuse, I can nearly dress myself everything just takes ages. I am 77 and have lived alone over twenty years.
I have a son in another city but he is sole carer of wife and three daughters three of whom are disabled one of the severely disabled with muscular dystrophy . But my daughter keeps taunting me for not asking him for help.
I try and stay strong and cheery but need some cheery support if possible.
I did break down and cry and complain one morning last week and she behaved a bit better after. But it is so draining. Kind words and advice really appreciated

OnwardandUpward Mon 02-Jan-23 20:10:12

Farmor15

OnwardandUpward - if you read OP's recent post you'll see she's significantly disabled by injury - can't even dress/undress - so hotel wouldn't work

Ooops thanks for that.

I can see a hotel wouldn't work unless a carer could come morning and night to dress and undress.
It would be better for family relationships to pay someone to do what is wanted, though.

If it's not working out with the daughter, it might be best to go into a care home for the time being. Reablement don't do meals or shopping and they only have a limited time to be in and out. There's lots of things they can't help with.

All depends on whether they are able to talk openly and honestly without damaging the relationship further. Personally I'd be speaking to my social worker, in that position to say that relationships have (understandably) broken down and ask them what they can do.

OnwardandUpward Mon 02-Jan-23 20:15:33

PS It would probably be a good idea to talk to your son. As he's already a carer, he's possibly in a better position to know what's needed and maybe he's kinder and more patient. Even if you weren't asking for his practical help, you should really talk to him for emotional support.

Not everyone is cut out to be a carer and your daughter sounds like she's not in a good place.

NotSpaghetti Tue 03-Jan-23 06:30:17

How are you doing with the 2-hourly exercises?
I'm sure these will help and will prevent muscle wastage.
You are right, you should have had exercises from the start I think - but keep on them. This is your way back home.

I was also sent an app to download by my physio and she answered any emailed questions with an email/phone call.
I was pleased to see she had personalised the app and she added extra exercises in as time went by.

It must be about five weeks since your fall now and we are all wanting you well.
Make yourself do them!

Good luck.

grannygranby Tue 03-Jan-23 08:10:48

You know waking this morning after a goodish nights sleep and daughter being really supportive yesterday with the physio appointment this morning I don’t feel confused any more
I thank you all

Farmor15 Tue 03-Jan-23 08:26:30

Best of luck with physio appointment. smile. A good night's sleep can help a lot

nanna8 Tue 03-Jan-23 08:53:25

So much stress for all of you and it is taking its toll. It is never easy for anyone when there’s an extra person in the house anymore than it is for that ‘extra person ‘ but concentrate on getting better and look forward to your ‘freedom’ which will surely come sooner or later. Hope your physio goes well, stick with it even if it hurts ! It sounds like your daughter loves you and just can’t control her feelings too well. She is likely pretty exhausted.

Bird40 Wed 04-Jan-23 20:03:06

How are you?x

crazyH Tue 17-Jan-23 00:11:24

grannygranby - so pleased that the situation has improved.