Wedding politics

I'd tell them no we would not be OK if you had to stay away.
Everyone is dancing around one man. I would suggest that to save people from getting hurt they do it with just friends. Then see what their reaction is.

So your soon to be DIL gets to invite her parent(s) but your son doesn’t? I would expect your son to have something to say about this, if he doesn’t insist that you are invited, then that’s a pity.

I am with Blondiescot. They should quietly disappear to the venue of their choice, registry office, church, deep sea diving bell with two witnesses, do the deed and then let their parents argue it out among themselves.

Can’t for the life of me see why you can’t go, the partners family situation is nothing to do with you. Yes I would be up in arms

I know it's their wedding their day, but excluding you because of her parents' messy divorce seems very harsh. I'd be very upset.

Blondiescot

Why don't they just solve the problem by going off and quietly getting married with just a couple of witnesses - or even going abroad and getting married there?

This definitely sounds best to me in the circumstances.
You can celebrate with them later.

That seems unfair to you and a big ask that you don’t attend because of the problem with the brides parents.
Hope things can be resolved a better way. I know I woukd be upset and very disappointed.

What utter nonsense.
The bride's mother seems to be controlling the situation because (she says) her ex husband won't attend if she brings her second husband, (who could easily stay at home.) She has offered to stay away 'if her going (to the wedding) would prevent them getting married' How? She is not essential to the wedding ceremony and neither is the bride's father.

How the exclusion of the groom's parents from their son's wedding 'makes it fair' for this drama queen and mother -in- law from hell is not understandable.
Ultimately it is your son's wedding day and his decision but you are entitled to say that you very much wish to be there. It is for the bride's parents to sort out their own arrangements; they have are various options and should not attempt to impose conditions on other members of the family.

Just get married with friends as witnesses and avoid all the hassle, have a party afterwards, it would save a lot of cash as well.

A bit unfair on you. DILs parents are her family, but they shouldn't impact on you.

I don't understand these divorced parents - since my divorce, 20 years ago, I've always made the offer to do part of any celebration, so that my ex can do the other part. It's not difficult,🙄

I hope it resolves itself, and you get an invite. I'd be upset if I wasn't invited to my sons wedding because of other people's marital disputes.💐

This has echoes of Euan Blair's wedding when the bride's mother insisted on the second wife of her ex-husband (Sian somebody, a weather forecaster and nothing to do with the divorce) being disinvited. The father of the bride attended the ceremony and made the requisite speeches,but left after the wedding breakfast, I believe.

Similar situation at my son's wedding.

My ex was still acrimonious about my new partner - he believed he broke up our relationship (he didn't).

BUT, we put aside our differences, and my ex agreed to attend with his partner, and me with mine, so as not to add to the stress of the big day. Me and my ex even chatted civilly to each other, and he made an effort to be courteous to my new partner.

It can be done, if each grown-up acts like a grown-up and doesn't let their ego get the better of them.

My son wanted both his parents at his wedding - so we swallowed our pride. This was his day, it was about him ,not us.

Yes ease the situation for them. Can’t be doing with these wedding type situations which ruin the happy expectations of the couple involved. You can be satisfied that you haven’t contributed anything but love and understanding. They will be grateful for you.

Grateful for your understanding.

Newbiedoobie

... "to make it fair"

I appreciate your son's dilemma, but it does seem rather unfair that you can't attend because of DIL'S parents' inability to act like adults and just for one - important - day put their own 'issues' to one side.
There's different computations that would 'work'. DIL'S mother could agree to go without her partner (I assume he would understand); if she doesn't want to attend without him she could - well, just not attend and allow her ex to be present - or her ex could grow up a bit and just for a few hours ignore his ego / injured pride for the sake of his son and behave like a civilised human being. All obvious solutions - but unfortunately not those that can be controlled by you, and you're just left with the option of being agreeable for your son's sake. He must be frustrated with it all and it is ruining what should be a lovely day.
Just be amenable to his suggestion - I'm sure it's not what he wants... poor chap is piggy in the middle and just trying to keep the peace.
If I were the DIL, I'd tell my respective parents they were invited and if they didn't want to attend that was up to them but that son's parents would be there, regardless.
What might happen is that either one or the other of DIL'S parents attend - and you don't. All because of male ego.
I feel sorry for your son - he's been put in a difficult position, and for you, likewise.
DIL should take charge and put an end to this nonsense.

Newbiedoobie

I also need to make it clear they’re not thinking of a big wedding. I think they’d ask close friends to witness then just go on holiday. However, we are six hours away whereas his partners family are more like 15 mins so I anticipate (but might be wrong) that it could end up they are included in some way.

So, am I right in thinking none of you are being invited anyway, as you say they’ll just have close friends as witnesses?
So, is your real fear that the ‘other’ parents will be included while you are not?

Have you talked about this again with your son. Seems there is every chance the parents will attend if they are so close, so yes, if that were me I would hate to have to stay away only to find the other parents turned up.
Was your son just wondering theoretically how you might feel if....or was it more concrete? Maybe you need another chat. It seems so unfair.

Difficult.
I know someone whose daughter married without telling her parents, and although they made light of it at the time they admitted much later that they were hurt, not even to be told until several days later.
Equally, another friend's daughter wanted to be married but no wedding so she and her partner planned to marry at a register office, no guests, then attend a large rock concert. They both told their parents before they left, whereupon both mothers went spare and insisted on a 'proper family wedding', took complete control and spoilt it utterly for this shy couple, who really wanted no fuss.
It is your son's wedding as well as his partner, and you are not wrong to expect to be included. I agree that it is likely that the mother will turn up, with or without ex and second husband and that is not fair.
Last of all, what does the bride think?

My son had the same situation but my now DiL told both her parents that she wanted them both there and they would both sit on top table to to suck it up.
It was all very amicable in the end.
I do think the brides parents should be prepared to make a special effort for their daughter's big day.

Registry Office. Oops.

Maybe, as this is causing family heartache on both sides, a quiet wedding with not too much ‘palaver’ might be better?
Two celebrations with relatives and friends could come later, making sure that only those who get on with each other are invited to each one. That way, no-one is left out and there is no toxic atmosphere at either.

Tweedle24

Maybe, as this is causing family heartache on both sides, a quiet wedding with not too much ‘palaver’ might be better?
Two celebrations with relatives and friends could come later, making sure that only those who get on with each other are invited to each one. That way, no-one is left out and there is no toxic atmosphere at either.

I think newbie has already said that they only intend to have close friends as witnesses, then go on holiday ( unless I have read it wrongly), so I am a bit confused as to exactly what the problem is.

Years ago I worked with a lady whose father had run off with someone young enough to be his daughter. When my colleague married a few years later, her father and his young woman had good seats in church but she was given away by her stepfather. OTOH, I worked with someone else - in the same office - whose father had also run off with another woman. When THIS lady married, she refused to have her father anywhere near the wedding. It seems to me though, that most divorced couples make an effort for occasions like a wedding. It really isn’t a good start to a marriage if some of the parents refuse to attend!

Well in the end it is their decision , their wedding and their choice

However it seems really odd , for the life of me I can't see why your attendance has been linked to the other family issues! It's for them to sort themselves out however they choose to but your attendance really doesn't impact on that and isn't relevant

If it were me I would tell my son quite openly that obviously we would like to attend their special day, that we can't personally see the connection between our attendance and the other familys attendance but that we will do whatever they decide is best as we would never want to cause a problem for him. That would NOT be presented as emotional blackmail, just as what our view is. And there would be no sulkng/backlash or dramas if they decided we couldn't go because it is their choice

When my DD married, her fiance's parents were living apart. They put aside their differences for the day ands everyone went.

However if that had not been the case and neither of his parents had come, I would have been upset if we had not been invited on this basis. The marriage break-up of his parents is irrelevant. I can understand that you feel hurt OP and send a hug.