Happy for them, sad for me

Thank you for your acknowledgment of my feelings Pamela. Just for reference, we didn’t stay with my daughter for our two month visit, but stayed in a rental instead. Sadly my daughter’s marriage has broken up whilst she has been in NZ and so we found ourselves helping her to move house whilst we were there. We were packing and then unpacking got the first couple of weeks whilst the children were still at school, and then we did masses of childcare during the long summer holidays, whilst my daughter worked.
You’re right Pamela, we’re not lucky to need to travel half way round the world to visit our children and grandchildren. It’s actually the only way to see them and build/keep meaningful relationships with our grandchildren. People who think it’s all the outdoor life and barbecues are simply wrong. People in Australia and New Zealand go to work, the supermarket, clean the house, cut the grass and wash the car just like everyone else. We had two barbecues in two months, we have more than that here in England during the summer. My daughter runs, she ran in England. The children do a lot of sports, they did in England too. For my daughter, it’s about working fewer hours for the same pay. I don’t know what it is for others apart from thinking the grass is greener.

I have sons who live distant from me and during the lockdown we joined Readeo where you both log on at same time and can read books to your grandchildren. It was a real hit with my sons daughter who had come to hate WhatsApp calls as they can feel like an interrogation to a child.Yet she loved her Readeo nights so it was a subscription well spent.

nanna8 that person was me too.
I now think of the generosity of my parents with new knowledge after "happily" waving off two of my 5 children (and three grandchildren) on their own overseas adventure.

They were always (on the surface of it) excited for me and my little family even when I had my second baby the other side of the world.

I wish I could thank them now for never making me feel guilty. They gave me wings and never tried to prevent me using them.
Thank you Mum and Dad. 🙏

NotSpaghetti, thanks for that, I am really trying not to make them feel guilty in any way. But I know that my first very emotional reaction (I described it in an earlier post) will stay with them for a long time
Right now (it's only been 4 days!) things are going well and they are in frequent wattsapp contact which feels great

Phillips, I haven’t been through what you and others who have, waving off a beloved grown up child to live so far away. Anyone would be feeling bereft, yet you put their feelings first and support their decision. I think others in the same position as yourself are the only ones who can truly understand. The suggestion about a portal on the t v sounds a very good idea. Having visits planned also good idea. What I found enlightening was the comments from people who many years ago had left their families, when all there was to keep in touch a letter or booked expensive phone call, they left never realising the impact it had on their families as they were living the dream. It’s so different now but must still hurt like hell, you will become used to it eventually and thankfully you do have a good family support here, I dare say there’s a lot that have not. Perhaps a forum for those in the same position could be helpful and supporting of one another.

Allsorts, thanks!
I was also wondering about a forum for those of us with kids living far away. I wonder how we could set that up?
I already received a wonderful suggestion about "Readeo" which I am going to install!

It's very hard, isn't it? Have a look at scatteredfamilies.com

You sound a lovely MIL and mum I think the feelings you are having are completely natural also I admire the fact you are thinking of the family and are very happy for them, so many would just be thinking of themselves but you aren’t! Of course it’s going to be difficult but we have the internet so can keep in touch that way, I would also miss my family too op, I don’t think you ever stop missing your family x

Philippa I feel for you. I too am close to my wonderful son, and the thought of his living so far away would make me cry. You sound like an understanding and selfless lady, but of course this will be a sad time for you. Lots of cheering advice on here - and the world is a much smaller place now thanks to travel, zoom, phone calls etc. Chin up - that will help him as he is no doubt wishing you were not so far away. xx

Thanks for the suggestion about Scattered Families, Oldmutton! I have just asked to join

My heart goes out to you my dear. Of course you’re sad and a bit sorry they’ve moved. No advice just sending you a big hug x

What a bittersweet message! You obvs need to settle from the initial euphoria/ shock....give it some weeks if not months, we're SO fortunate to have facetime zoom and all the other stuff that can bring your family right into your living room on your TV!!! Olden days it was waiting weeks for letters and pics.... you're going to be fine the more you see of their progress and you now can look forwards to visits too! I'm so happy yet feel your twinges of sadness too but that's life and I suppose your dil being an Aussie makes it easier as they're not flying blind!!! Good luck and hope you make most of this big change to everyone's advantage.

Oh Phillips 60 thank you for putting this post up as it put my woes into perspective , you are such a lovely person to think about your family . I honesty believe that the time you may get to spend with your family in Aus will be much more magical when it happens . Enjoy your Daughter and her family , I truly believe boys tend to go their own way whereas girls seem to stay close to their mums . My son only lives an hour away from me and DH. But unless we go over there we don’t see him, he is very busy and is building his business back up after Covid but I still miss seeing him in our home , luckily my grandkids live 20 mins away ( divorce ) i V am sure the rawness will pass , keep being you and I am sure they will keep in touch

My daughter remarried in August to a lovely American guy. She and her two wonderful daughters have emigrated to USA. We miss them all so much but are happy to know they are all so happy. Modern technology makes it so easy to keep in touch although nothing can replace a good hug

Thank you Gabrielle for stating the euphoria/sadness situation. Although my son is not in a different country, I nearly posted just before Xmas how much I was struggling to deal with my son moving out into his own home shortly before. I was so ecstatic that he has a lovely girlfriend and had found a great house, I had been totally unaware and not prepared for what a blow it was when he went. I felt I was coming totally unravelled and suddenly realised how alike it felt to bereavement, with that sense of loss and emptiness. All I can say to Phillipa is that, like bereavement, the sadness lessens and changes. It is not a total loss, it is just a different way of living with your son at a distance, having had your love and support to spread his wings. Sending you hugs.

When we moved overseas with our daughter we didn't even have a camera. We borrowed a Polaroid "instant" type camera from the local library and took a whole "spool" (just 10 photos!) for them. They were of our little girl in our new home and a few of her in the park with me and one with my husband. That was all they had in the first four months other than letters. Days before our second son was born we bought a camera specifically so they could see their new grandson.

Letters were still quite slow, parcels slower. The phone was expensive so used perhaps monthly.

I was an only child.
It must have been devastating for my parents to have us go but they never made us feel sorry for them or guilty.
And in our case, we did come back. Babies 3,4 and 5 were all born back in the UK so they did have time with them.

You are doing the right thing in being upbeat now for your little family so far away. This is a truly great and magnanimous gift from you to them - especially as it pains you so.
Be brave - as it must be terrible if you know you are causing those you left behind so much upset. I'm so glad I didn't realise the size of the hole our departure left in my parents' hearts... and the quiet longing they silently suffered.

Thinking of you.
Sending virtual hugs.

My daughter moved to Australia 10 years ago, I do miss her terribly but I am going soon for my third trip and she has visited a few times, we have quality time together when we do meet up and speak every day on FB messenger, whatsapp etc. best thing you can do is plan a nice holiday there, you will love it.

Philippa, you were lucky to see so much of them while they were in the UK and to see the remaining one. One of my daughters, with 6 yr old grandson, lives in Dulwich and the other with 7 yr old daughter and 16 yr old son lives in Highgate, both London. I live half an hour from Highgate and an hour and half from Watford and saw them all on Christmas Day in Dulwich. That was lovely but now I no longer baby sit in Highgate, since lockdown, I never see that granddaughter, unless occasionally mum lets me take her shopping if she needs new things. I don't see the Dulwich grandson either as the drive is a lot for me and all of them are very busy. Both daughters work full time. I'd love to see them more.

oops hour and half from Dulwich

I lived in NZ for 3 years after meeting my husband. I was always upset about something and just couldn’t settle even though I had friends in the ex-pat community. One day I just said I was coming home either by myself or not. Luckily my husband came with me and I have never regretted coming back once.
I think that at first you think it’s better and a much better life but it’s the same as where you were, get up, work, come home, cook, clean bed, repeat.
I think that your DiL may be happy being back for a while but then she will miss the quality of education, be upset at the prices, hate having to pay through the nose for medical and dental.
If I were in your shoes I would be upset too and I would feel a bit jealous. You sound like such a lovely lady and you are handling it so well. I think they may come back in the future. I hope in the meantime you are able to travel over for visits.

I do think it’s more tricky when a couple are from different countries because one of them will always be far away from their own family and country. Your DiL is now with her family Phillipa but your son is far away from his, whilst previously your son was near his family, but your DiL far away from hers. It cannot be solved because one partner will always be away from their family. It also tricky because your little granddaughter hasn’t had time to build a relationship with you, but you must try to do this through the various methods others have mentioned, so that when you go out there, you will not be a stranger to her.

How I feel for you! My brother emigrated 42 years ago and my mum never really got over it but she visited when she could afford it!
We are gearing up for partner’s son, daughter in law and 2 grand daughters going to Australia in the next couple of years! They are convinced it will be better for the girls ! Trouble is we are getting older and it is an expensive option for visits!
At least we all have FaceTime instead of waiting for blue airmails!!
It does get easier ! You need to grieve as it is a loss

Very difficult for you, thank goodness your DD lives nearby. I agree with the poster who suggested sending little gifts through the post and would suggest funny letters and postcards too. Children still love seeing their name on an envelope or postcard, maybe a few very British images, or funny ones. Look forward to a trip out there when you can visit. Intense but more spaced out visits are different to short regular ones, but don't negate the chance of forging good relationships.

In 1930s my mum, youngest of 8 children, moved to York from Norfolk when she married my dad. Dad was a gardener and mum couldn't afford to go back to see her mum,dad, sisters/brothers. No phones so they just wrote letters to each other (which I have, I'm 72). Nothing changes except the distance.

That would be my worst nightmare. I feel for you x