I have a mobility problem and my husband's angry all the time

“And do you take this woman……….in sickness and in health”

That's fine in theory but clearly not in practice.

Some people really struggle to cope with other people's disabilities (temporary or permanent). Can you sit down and talk to him about if he us one of them?

Ill health temporary or permanent comes to many of us as we age. It seems as though your Husband is in denial and just wants your lives to be as they were. If sadly it is a condition you have to live with then your Husband needs to live with it too and support you and your needs. I am sorry you are going through such a difficult time and hope that things can and do improve for you.

Yes, he's having difficulty accepting that a lot of our plans may have to change. I'm just about to retire, partly as a result of this situation with my heels, and it looks as if I won't be able to do half the things we've always wanted to do together. I'm grieving the loss of my mobility and it seems really tough being asked to manage his disappointment too. He won't lose out on anything: he can still walk the Camino de Santiago, he can still do all the things we planned to do — but he'll just have to do them in a group that doesn't include me. I'm not going to hold him back. I feel very let down by him. Instead of empathising with me for all I am likely to lose, he's made it all about him.

I’m so sorry things are so difficult for but I do wonder if you have asked what can be done. I have Achilles tendon damage with a bone spur on one heel and I was told that as a last resort surgery to remove the bone spur is an option. I decided not to pursue the surgery option as it isn’t painful now.
I do hope things improve for you.

You can have surgery to remove bone spurs, if not on the NHS then maybe your husband would like to pay for it to be done?

I dare say you won’t get much sympathy from him whatever you do. I would call him out on his awful attitude.

I think you both need to find out for sure, what if anything can be done.
He might calm down once he knows what is what, and accept things?

In an ideal world, as he has plenty of energy, he would use that doing household chores.

He may be angry too at loss of attention directed towards him?

Currently you are being let down by him in my opinion.

Sorry to be hard but he sounds a very unsympathetic, uncaring man and one I d rather be without
Selfish bloke (I nearly said something else to describe him) thinking not of you but just himself you deserve better
Do as others have said check out if there is any surgery to get you out of this painful situation
Sending a big hug your way

He's probably in shock with your news and can't cope with the possibility that your retirement might not be as you had planned. Could you jointly do some research to find out if it is possible for you to have an operation. Maybe it will give you both a bit more control of the situation... good luck

Your DP is behaving badly but he is also mourning the change in the situation. The plans he had for you both may not be possible. Try to be patient with him and ask for an orthopaedic referral to discuss your options. Good luck.

tanith

I’m so sorry things are so difficult for but I do wonder if you have asked what can be done. I have Achilles tendon damage with a bone spur on one heel and I was told that as a last resort surgery to remove the bone spur is an option. I decided not to pursue the surgery option as it isn’t painful now.
I do hope things improve for you.

I think there may be a possibility of surgery down the line, but my GP has said there will need to be a two year period of physio before I will be considered for it — by which time they may deem me too old/ not suitable. I have five different spurs, three on one foot, two on another. I also turn out to have a congenital abnormality in the bone which has complicated things with my Achilles tendon, so it's a bit more than 'just' bone spurs. My GP is a bit 'well, now you're over 60 these things tend to come to the fore'. And just as a warning to all, my feet blew up (as it were) when I was doing Couch to 5k and trying to increase my fitness for an active retirement.

Did he come with you to see your consultant?
I think you should definitely take him next time and encourage him to put his questions and concerns directly to the specialist.
I would hope that having a proper conversation with a consultant would be a good thing to do for both of you.
I'm not sure a GP will necessarily have all the required knowledge?

I may be wrong of course - they may know all there is to know.

Your GP sounds totally useless, that is an appalling attitude! If you can scrape the money together for a private consultation, please so that. You are not old, totally deserve a decent retirement and if something should be done it needs doing now, not two years down the line or possibly not at all. Your post has made me feel so angry on your behalf, please don't accept this until you have investigated every avenue.

I’m afraid not everyone can cope with illness or disability, regardless of vows. It’s sad but true.

That's a pity your partner isn't as supportive as you would wish. I suspect this has been a huge shock for him and he is worried about you and resenting the impact your ill health is having on your life together. Often people, who are fit and healthy just don't get how difficult things can be. Initially my DH found it hard to see his once fit wife very unwell, had to take on all the things I did previously and ferry me to and from medical appointments, but he just got on with it and never complained. His whole life changed in the blink of an eye.

I have severe health problems, compromised mobility and constant pain and had to retire on ill health at fifty nine. This means that we can no longer travel abroad and fulfil all the dreams we had for retirement.

It is a huge disappointment and I have grieved for what I have lost, for I know my health will continue to deteriorate, but it is not the end of the world. I was angry thatt this happened, before I could do all the things I had planned. A hard lesson, not to waste time procrastinating.

Despite my compromised mobility and often not being able to do much physically, we find alternative things to do.
I love working in the garden, so do much of it sitting down, while DH does the heavier tasks, we have short breaks, not too far from home and hospitals and my DH golfs twice a week, so that he can have some time to himself.
There is always a compromise, I find and we have learned to adjust our life.

You have to sit down with your partner and discuss, what you have posted here or you will just become more upset. Marriage is a partnership.
I do hope there will eventually be a solution for you and things improve.

Our retirement was well and truly scuppered by my late OH getting Parkinsons. There is absolutely no way I would have spoken to him in this way. I think your OH is out of order. He may not be happy about the situation, but I imagine you are not exactly ecstatic! Ask him what might happen if it were the other way around - what would he expect you to do in that situation?

NotSpaghetti

Did he come with you to see your consultant?
I think you should definitely take him next time and encourage him to put his questions and concerns directly to the specialist.
I would hope that having a proper conversation with a consultant would be a good thing to do for both of you.
I'm not sure a GP will necessarily have all the required knowledge?

I may be wrong of course - they may know all there is to know.

Jointly we go to important medical appointments: knee surgery, back surgery, etc. Perhaps taking him along might help?

We do pay for private if we don't receive what we want, quickly enough, or without explanations (clue: explanations to you were rubbish).

My husband golfs several times a week, plays tennis - I've dropped most everything apart from walking, skiing, and riding. Maybe make sure he feels free to go on alone to golf (aka: paint drying).

Poor you 💐your DH sounds like a spoilt brat not getting the attention he thinks he deserves because you are poorly. As advised here try and find out what can be done about the painful foot situation you are in.
In the meantime if DH asks about some thing that’s needs doing. Tell him in no uncertain terms to get on with it himself. Just make sure you are sitting down with your feet up maybe a glass of wine in your hand when you do tell him. He sounds like a self righteous person and that’s me putting it mildly!

Ask him what might happen if it were the other way around - what would he expect you to do in that situation?

Good point. For all he knows, it could be his turn next week with something or another.
Which wouldnt help you. But he doesnt know for sure where his health and life is heading either. Or when.

He’s in shock and is also revealing a very selfish attitude. Very upsetting for you and disappointing.
How about booking a pub lunch and using the opportunity to tell him how disappointed and upset you feel at his attitude ( lunch venue in public should prevent “anger outburst or storming off”?)
As others have said- take him to your next medical appt /& research what can be done to help you be more active now.

Research holidays and activities you can enjoy and do together - a river cruise ? Or an organised tour which you can dip in and out of singly or together.
Remember we’re each responsible for our own happiness- tell him this, & also that he must be kind to you!!

Oh my gosh - there are worse things than bone spurs that you could have had. What would he have done then - I dread to think. 😡

You could still do the holidays etc that you had planned people in wheelchairs can have wonderful holidays if you can’t walk find another way dont give in and if he doesn’t pull his socks up acting like a spoilt brat do it on your own and show him If someone with one leg can walk miles and someone in a wheelchair with no legs can ‘run’ a marathon I m sure you can find a way round it Show your spirit and don’t give in to this hurdle

I'm so sorry

There is no excuse for him treating you this way at all.

It sounds to me like he sees himself as the main character in his own life and you as a supporting role

If he is struggling to accept this he should be seeking support to deal with it, not putting you through this

For your sake I hope you are able to get help in the future. You've lost so much more than he has, so please get some support for how this will impact your mental health as well as your physical health