Gransnet forums


presents for my estranged grand daughters.

(70 Posts)
celebgran Fri 30-Nov-12 21:03:55

Well |I have chosen lots of bits and bobs yet to wrap, but got fun xmas gift bags, and we also got £25 Marks vouchers for them (just in case they get sent back we can use them!)
We are going to pop cards through door and leave presents on step, but am apprehensive, our son in law gave us police harassment warning 4 years ago and our local mp been brilliant trying to fight it for us, we managed to get permission to send cards and presents, but is enormously stressful, we never ever get an acknowledgment.
We agonised over what to do, and few people say just dont send anything but my oldest grand daughter and first grand child although not seen her since baby, I saw her at few hours old and loved seeing her for 9 months I cant just walk away.
Just hope one day my daugher will respond!!
surely not unreasonable to expect a thank you or even photo of my little grand daughters even if she does not want me in her life.

london Fri 30-Nov-12 21:42:41

celebgran i would just save money up for them untill they are old enough to make there own mind up ,sorry but i wouldnt be leaving pressies on the step .hope things work out flowers

FlicketyB Fri 30-Nov-12 21:53:44

Celeb, who decides whether your daughter contacts you? Does she make the decison herself or does her husband decide?

I am afraid that it is probably unreasonable to expect any response in a circumstances like this. Your situation is tragic but I think you are doing the right thing by keeping up the distance contact. One day the domestic situation may change and for your daughter and your grandchildren to know that whatever happened you never gave up on them may be the critical event that leads to a resolving of differences..

glassortwo Fri 30-Nov-12 22:03:23

celeb keep those lines open, and as happened to some of the other Grans on here things could turn around for you all. I think if I was in your position thats what I would do, you never know when something little might just be the key. Will be thinking of you, hoping that all goes well when you drop the presents off. flowers

gracesmum Fri 30-Nov-12 22:08:26

While I can't add much to what has been said, you clearly do want to give the girls Christmas presents. Where I think you may be disappointed is in hoping for any rapprochement from your daughter in the form of acknowledgement. No you are not being at all unreasonable, but it doesn't sound as if things will change just yet. If it is your DD's decision you may hope she will change her mind, if it is her husband's, well, you must know him by now. It is terribly sad. Leave the girls small presents, but perhaps do what london suggests and squirrel away a little each year for them to have when they are old enough to make their own decision. My heart goes out to youflowers

whenim64 Fri 30-Nov-12 23:19:08

Keep going with the little gifts, cards and tokens of your love Celebgran. You are being constant and the girls will grow up knowing you are there when they want or need to contact you for themselves. They'll learn to appraise the situation for themselves as they develop and start to understand the role and importance of loving grandparents, and the evidence of your attempts to be there for them is more noticeable than money saved for the future (you can do that, anyway), but think how they would feel finding out what you had been doing for them in secret when you're long gone if they didn't know you had been asking these efforts - regrets that they didn't get the chance to meet you would be amplified. You're sending signals that you're there waiting to see them, which might be hard on you but invaluable for your grandaughters to know. flowers

whenim64 Fri 30-Nov-12 23:21:04

....should say 'making these efforts' not 'asking' - damn you, iPad!

Nanban Sat 01-Dec-12 07:50:51

Gremlins took my message so I'll try again - never give up on your grandchildren; absolutely certainly one day, if all else fails, they will find you and all will be well. I've created a Facebook page which reads a bit like a diary and addressed only to our grandchildren so that one day they will find us and know they were always in our lives.

vampirequeen Sat 01-Dec-12 08:50:37

That's a brill idea Nanban. If they come looking for you they will see that you've never stopped caring.

I think you should keep taking the gifts celebgran. Even if you don't get an acknowledgement it keeps the door ajar should your daughter or grandchildren decided to get in touch.

NannaB Sat 01-Dec-12 09:36:18

Keep doing what you think is right Celebgran. After all its how you and your OH feel that is important at this time.

Nanban Sun 02-Dec-12 08:06:03

We have a pile of Christmas presents - I should say again this year - and nowhere to send them - I should say again this year. Give up, no, can't be done.

grannyactivist Sun 02-Dec-12 10:44:18

Celebgran even though it's been seven years since I've seen my grandchildren (I've never actually met the youngest who's now five) I have continued to send birthday and Christmas cards/gifts via a third party. I almost always get a 'thank you' card - and occasionally a photograph - in response. I've even had the odd phone call. My grandchildren know that I haven't ever given up on them, but I will admit that at this time of year I do find the separation especially painful. In just four more years the eldest will be eighteen and I'm hoping that she may get in touch independently, my address and phone number are on every card. sad

angiebaby Sun 02-Dec-12 18:43:39

celebgran,,,,,you dont say how old your gran kids are,,,they will surely ask questions when they are old enough,,,might not be when they are eighteen , but when they are older in life,,,,write them a letter and have it put with your will, your family will surely come out of the woodwork when you have gone and then instruct your solicitoer to hand the letter to them personally, you can tell them all what has happened and that you always wanted to see them.leave them a nice photo too, maybe one with your own family in happier times, the presents i would wrap them date them and put them in the cupboard. i had this problem my children didnt want me to see the grandkids,,,,but now they are divorced who did they turn to,,,,,,mum, now i ave them all the time, but i count my blessings everyday,,,because one of my kids said im going to emigrate and get a one way ticket. so that will be another time i wont see the kids but who knows,........children can be cruel...but wait till there kids grow up and hurt them they will know what it feels like to get hurt and maybe they will relize what they did too their parents,...chin up and god bless, they will need you before you need them,....dont worry they will return to the fold,,,,,,i guarentee

celebgran Sun 02-Dec-12 19:01:32

gosh what a lovely lot of rsponses and thank you all for doing your best to give me some support and advice.

Whenim I tend to agree our eldest grand daughter is in our will so she will be well provided for after our demise, the youngest we never seen so is harder, I agree would rather send regular tokens of our love than wait til we not longer here.

Nanaban thats interesting I had done a blog for Mollie our first grand daughter and anyone is welcome to take a look it is under Mollie Tovell and we hope one day she will find it and read it and know we never ever gave up on her.

flowers to you all and thank again x

celebgran Sun 02-Dec-12 19:06:08

angiebaby they are 4 and half and not quite 2.

who knows my DD could be pregnant again.

Flickety B it seems like my son in law rules the roost, but of course my DD could contact us if she wanted to and she has written dreadful letter via solicitor insulting me in awful way saying things only she could know so she is far from innocent.
Ironically I have bag full of lovely cards and letters she has sent me right up to the estrangement saying how much she lovedme and was so proud of me etc etc. very weird.
thank you so much for all the positive feed back we are off tom prayers and fingers crossed please all you caring ladies!!
No I agree we do not expect our DD to respond, you are fortunate grannyactivist to get acknoweldgements. we have never had any at all.

dorsetpennt Mon 03-Dec-12 13:30:53

Keeping sending at least cards, as they will have your name on them so your grandchilden will knoow you have tried to keep in contact. To a lesser degree I had a similar situation. I was my ex-husband's 2nd wife, I was not the reason for the breakup of his marriage. However, his wife decided I was and refused me any contact with his 2 girls and he barely saw them. However, we always sent birthday and Xmas gifts and cards [as did his mother]. Years later, through his oldest daughter, I discovered that she and her sister felt that we had only sent cards - I mentioned a few gifts we'd sent and found out that the gifts had been re-labelled by their mother. So for years they felt we didn't care.
My suggestion is to open a bank account per child and put the amount you'd spend into it. To be given to them on their 18th birthday, Still sending cards though.

celebgran Mon 03-Dec-12 21:51:17

good idea dorsetpenn, but I photograph presents normall and log them, I also do a blog for our oldest grand daughter who is 4 and half now

Got to share it with everyone!!

it was amazing, but of course only a glimpse and she smiled at me!! we left presents on step andthe door opened!!
it was my DD mother in law, and little Mollie followed her! I said is this Mollie and she gave me a lovey smile, oh how I wish I could have cuddled her!!
she was so pretty. am in shock really, bet my daugther willl be made lets hop her mother in law puts in word for us!!

Ana Mon 03-Dec-12 21:54:36

Oh, celebgran, how sad I feel for you. Glad you saw Mollie, though. smile

whenim64 Mon 03-Dec-12 22:04:36

How wonderful Celebgran! I'm thrilled for you. I do hope that's another little step forward. flowers

choirlady Tue 04-Dec-12 11:52:07

I have just joined this site today and your posts have been a great comfort to me as from what I can tell I am in a similar situation. Don't want to say too much now just in case DD can get access to the board somehow.

annodomini Tue 04-Dec-12 12:04:46

Welcome, choirlady. You will find plenty of support on our forums as well as entertainment and companionship.

FlicketyB Tue 04-Dec-12 12:19:05

Choirlady, welcome, as long as your daughter does not know your user name and you tweak your story slightly, like they do on the radio when names are changed or actors speak the dialogue you should be safe on Gransnet.

choirlady Tue 04-Dec-12 12:28:18

Thanks both smile

celebgran Tue 04-Dec-12 14:04:50

welcome choir lady and please private message me if you need to.

I do not use my correct name but I really do not have much to lose the way my daughter has cut us totally out of her life.
keep strong and keep posting!!

jeni Tue 04-Dec-12 14:11:49

Welcome to you!