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DIL needing advice off a Gran.

(35 Posts)
RedheadedMommy Sun 23-Jun-13 20:26:44

Hello Grans!
I need some advice from a non biasted group. Im tierd, fed up with my MIL who is also a gran.
Before i tell you whats annoyed me this time, please bare in mind that this isnt a one off, this is a regular thing, also heaps more has happened..5 years of things that have happened.

Today, she was supposed to come down to see her GD. We changed plans even tho we had things to do, did a super clean up, told our daughter..etcetc.
She texted me my saying she couldnt come down today cause she was on her period.
This is'nt the first time shes used this..her husband drives so its not like she has to walk. she sits and drinks coffee whilst shes does so its not exactly 'hard work' oh and shes 42.
Now, the reason im pretty pissed, im 35 weeks pregnant with our 2nd. I have hip/pelvis and back ache. Baby is engaged so it feels like there is an elephant ready to fall out. Im exhausted and im pain and have been for most of my pregnancy...yet i still manage to pull through an hour or so vists once a week.

So my question is, is canceling on your GD due to period pain acceptable?
Am i just being hormonal?
She isnt the one who has to tell my 3 year old 'nanny and grandad' arn't coming down, again.

Im just totaly fed. and very hormonal. AIBU?

Bags Sun 23-Jun-13 20:33:43

I think it would be advisable not to tell your daughter about planned visits. Just wait till they happen, then at least the little one won't be disappointed if her gran cancels.

Bags Sun 23-Jun-13 20:34:29

PS I hope the last few weeks of your pregnancy go well, and the birth smile

JessM Sun 23-Jun-13 20:39:46

I guess it is possible she is in the peri-menopause and having heavy, flooding periods. Happens to a lot of us before the darn things start to wind down. For a year or so they are like niagara, having to change tampons and a mega-pad once an hour on the first day or two. Bath towel on the bed at night.
Why don't you ask her whether they are causing a problem at the moment?

RedheadedMommy Sun 23-Jun-13 20:39:49

We didn't tell her..then for a few weeks she came down when arranged so we started telling her...then bam, shes cancelling again.
Im just going to leave it as a 'supprise' now.

And thank you! smile

RedheadedMommy Sun 23-Jun-13 20:50:12

We arn't that close sad . So i think it'll be a little weird if i just bought something like that into conversation.
I can understand, but shes managed to see her step children today. I remember the 2 solid months of bleeding after having my daughter, so i do understand if it is that, but its not every month..and she does complain that she doesn't see her enough anf wants to see her more...yet cancels alot.
I just don't get it. She'll say one thing, yet does another.

annodomini Sun 23-Jun-13 21:00:20

She could be menopausal at 42 (I was), but it usually comes quite a bit later. Redhead is your OH able to communicate with her to tell her that you are finding things pretty difficult at the moment and would appreciate some consideration?

Bags Sun 23-Jun-13 21:01:53

Hmm, if she's that mixed up maybe there really is a problem in her life that she's not coping with very well. If you can, I think it would be best to 'sit it out' – be as patient as you can. If she phones you to cancel, perhaps you could say you're sorry she's not feeling well and you hope she feels better soon, but don't sound upset or cross. If she's playing some game with you, your getting upset about it will only encourage her.

What about your OH? Is he involved in any of this?

Elegran Sun 23-Jun-13 21:23:02

It may indeed be periods but not every month. Mine were so irregular at that time that I would have a week on and flooding (every hour is nothing. I had a caravan holiday with DH and three children and had to retire to the tiny loo three times while cooking one meal) then a week without, another week on then six weeks without. And if it is an early menopause the problems may be greater. If she is able to talk to you about periods at all surely she can take more questions about the details.

RedheadedMommy Sun 23-Jun-13 21:23:22

Yes he's had many words unfortunatly, none have helped. He's fed up too. If it was due to her being ill then i would total understand..however she's canceled as she's painting her kitchen..
We canceled a few weeks ago to due my blood pressure being too high and i was advised to stay in bed (hard few days that was! :P) and we was told that she only gets to see her once a week and she misses we asked her to come down in the week instead and she 'couldnt make it'

My husband is very quiet. He doesnt like confrontation at all and would rather just let it go. He said she's allways been 'like this' and he's just use to it now.
It annoys me as i've never met a person like her before and i don't understand her.
If it was the other way round, and we canaceled alot, it would be different.

absent Mon 24-Jun-13 06:10:18

A much beloved aunt of mine suffered from crippling and irregular periods for many years. She could barely stand up. It was far worse from the period pains that most women seem to get from time to time. I could write a list of the theatre and concerts when she couldn't use the tickets, holidays cancelled etc. - and this was the most uncomplaining of women. If your mother-in-law has that sort of problem (solved in my aunt's case by a hysterectomy in her forties), then her cavalier treatment of you and her grandchild is at least understandable.

I hope all goes well with the rest of your pregnancy and the birth is a doddle. smile

J52 Mon 24-Jun-13 08:51:16

26 years ago my MIL did a similar thing. Cancelling a visit at the last minute because she had to mind her other grandchild. I unfortunately, voiced my objection, as this was the last straw in a variety of insulting incidents. She then told me, in no uncertain terms, how she preferred the other grandchild over our two children! The result was that she did not make contact with us or her grandchildren for two years, despite our Christmas/ birthday contacts. We had to make the first move. On reflection I now wish I had handled it differently. She would have continued to be difficult and insulting, but somehow we should have 'turned the other cheek, on her strange behaviour.
Some years later she did a similar thing to her 3rd set of grandchildren and their parents. Unfortunately she died a very unhappy person. X

RedheadedMommy Mon 24-Jun-13 09:13:06

I think i'm just going to ignore it this time, i havn't got the energy atm!
If she is suffering then i'd much prefer she'd tell us, however im sure she would let us know as she loves to moan! (she cancelled ones due to being 'ill' turns out she had a hangover..) But in all serious if she was suffering it'd be best for us to know as its a genuine reason and we'd sort something out, however, if it is just down to 'period pain' and nothing else i'll be annoyed as we had to go and travel to see her when i was in labour, so period pain just doesnt cut it.
Oh well. Its her loss if shes using silly excuses. athanks ladies

Bags Mon 24-Jun-13 09:18:37

Shrugging it off is a good plan, redhead. Remain civil to her and enjoy your new baby. All the best.

soop Mon 24-Jun-13 11:35:41

RedheadedMommy...lots of sound advice. My thought've enough to cope with. You really do not need aggravation at this stage. If possible, close your mind to all the negative vibes created by MIL. If you can, sit in the sunshine and soak up all the peaceful pleasures that come your way, in readiness for the wee one's birth. I send good vibes from sunny Kintyre. [flower]

RedheadedMommy Mon 24-Jun-13 11:44:07

Thank you so much smile
Im just letting it go this time as i don't know the full ins and outs, plus im almost ready to pop and really can't be hormones arn't helping.
Thank you all so much smile x

soop Mon 24-Jun-13 11:50:19

Meant to send you flowers x

Nanban Mon 24-Jun-13 22:10:59

To hell with it, I need grandchildren, I'll come x

annodomini Mon 24-Jun-13 22:27:51

Good luck with the new delivery! Hope you have an easy labour. flowers

RedheadedMommy Wed 20-Nov-13 22:39:06

I know this is an old thread but I seeing as you ladies took time to help and wish me.well, i thought i'd update on the birth of DD2, who was born in August- 14 days late! She is fabulous smile

Deedaa Wed 20-Nov-13 22:41:25

Congratulations smile

NfkDumpling Wed 20-Nov-13 22:54:47

Congratulations wine flowers. Thank you for letting us all know.

I hope your baby encourages your MiL to be more cooperative. (Sometimes you just have to take people as you find them. It's not worth the angst of trying to change them.)

whenim64 Wed 20-Nov-13 23:08:09

Congrats RedHead and thanks for letting us know. Lovely to have another little one to enjoy flowers

Skylark Thu 21-Nov-13 01:20:14

Congratulations on the birth of DD2, Redhead! I hope MiL is also being more considerate. Enjoy your baby! xx

RedheadedMommy Thu 21-Nov-13 09:06:08

No MIL hasn't come through for us. I was in slow labour from 38 weeks, contsnat pain, i had 2 sweeps and was stretched to.2cm (as painful as it sounds!). I had these sweeps on a Friday so the contractions were much worser on a weekend.
We told them to come on a weekday as it would be alot easier for us.
They didn't come down 2 weeks and we was told we are being very awkward and it seems like we make no time for them!!

Alot of other things happened. including her telling people i am anorexic. i am no such thing. we have no contact now. its such a shame sad