cut out of thier lives 2

I just heard a phrase that sums up you lovely lot - You've got to love a lot to hurt a lot.

(hugs galore) Nanban x

dollie obviously I don't know what has passed between you and your daughter and I apologise if I'm speaking out of turn, but could it be that your daughter's email was a tentative olive branch?

Dollie I do think that if my daughter, however much out of the blue and even after a period of unhappy estrangement, informed me about a major occurrence in her life and I ignored her then my daughter has good grounds to think I do not care about her much.
By perpetuating estrangement and bad feeling and digging your heels in I would feel like I was living in a soap opera with always a sad drama going on when perhaps I could have made it better.

We are still parents even if our children are adults and when they make those overtures then I think the grown up (parental) way to respond is to at least a positive reply like 'Thanks for letting me know. Should we meet up for a coffee/ drink/ meal for old times sake?'
That way if she ignores meat least I have tried my best as every good mother tries to do.

I think you could have replied briefly to the first email - no need to get into a long message, but saying "Thank you for the new address, I shall put it my address book", would have cost nothing and kept the door slightly ajar. It takes two to quarrel, and two to make it up.

Nanban always a kind comment!

Yogagirl I too had trouble with iPad email hacker had change passwords! Hope you kicked life Into yours.

Smileless hope lemon. Meringue was appreciated !

Dollie sorry not too up with your story at least your daughter contacted you but obviously lot more to it. Sorry get in muddle.

Been acquacise today then had lunch with lady got know. Sometimes do worry that I bore people with my tale woe is hard when everyone has their own problems. This lady daughter was pregnant same time as my daughter first time round and she went through all the worries my d had and helped me. She now has 4 grand children sadly her younger daughter had lot
Problems and I tried to listen instead of droning on about my tale of woe.

You sound like very into yoga yogagirl. You just be fitter than me. Thanks smileless for mentioning the dreaded knees they do pain me at night also but
Got keep going!

So glad got over birthday no tears. But y friends sister walked
sat cafe and she got them come in, sociable but for some reaso. Felt tearful on Way home probably because my sister and I no longer close and I did not even gent Xmas card from my niece, I still sent all 3 great nieces cards but. I heard thing hey oh a other loss !

Folk dancing was just what we needed last night.

To anyone wondering I tend use this thread most as never get feedback on other ones!?
So cold today freezing fog.

Hope you ok smileless gosh you lucky thing getting smile from your lovely grandson bet you can't wait tell husband,hope you not getting Down on your own But you sound positive well done.

Sounds like you well rid of ex yogagirl horrid to say such nasty remarks. However as someone told me once just because my daughter said nasty stuff about me does not make it true
. Now maybe choc bikky? Quick rest the. Tackle ironing and. Make nice chicken casserole for oh !

By way. Not ordered invisible grandparenting just when parents hurt and family rifts not sorry if it is upsetting! They will take couple weeks tho!e

sad to say the situation between daughter and i is very complex and been ongoing for years....yes it takes two but theres only so many times you can have the olive branch thrown back in your face...

Sorry hear that Dollie, it is such unnecessary shame when families fall out.

I have had few tears this afternoon sometimes even after 5 years I just feel overwelmed by sadness.

Must get grip go do some ironing!

Sadly our daughter has absolutely no interest in olive branches she just wants us to accept she never warns see us again, that would be upsetting enough if it werent for the 3 little ones.

Perhaps that's how your daughter feels, Dollie - that you are throwing the olive branch back in her face?

Well Dollie at least you have her new address so you know where she is if you feel the need to get in touch.

I don't disagree with what you're saying Penstemmon but when a lot of pain and suffering has been inflicted, parent or not, there comes a point when all you want to do, and need to do, is protect your self from any more.
I'm sure we've all done our best as mothers, from the moment our children were born, which is what makes this type of situation so heart breaking.

Glad you enjoyed the folk dancing Celebgran. Hope you've got your computer sorted Yogagirl, I'd be hopeless, took , me two days to work out why the mouse pad wasn't working .

Hope you've had a good day LibraChick and every one of you. Still got that on my face. Still can't believe I actually saw him and he saw me.

Smileless that is so spot on! However my situation is no doubt vastly different, but if I were to hear from myth estranged daughter I expect I would respond immediately as I work be overjoyed.

I totally agree it is unlikely any of us deserve this heartache. My posts must have crossed with the others.

Dollie you obviously have your reasons for not responding and sorry that has caused you more unhappiness

I do agree that is positive she let you know.
Yes penstemon we are the parents but that does not make us perfect just human and our daughters are parents also heaven knows what sort example my grand daughters are being shown.
It is wise to remember these situations are never black and white totally right or wrongl. I don't care who was wrong I just want an end to the horrid estrangement.

I agree i would feel that I would want to end the estrangement no matter if I felt I was 100% right!

I think my pride would be less important than the chance to heal a rift..which is why i would have replied to an email.

I think I would feel the same as you Penstemmon.

@janeainsworth...no you dont know what has been going on between me and my daughter ..... she doesnt even know the meaning of an olive branch....

@penstemmon...yes you might deal with things differently if it were your daughter but as most of us on this thread have said time and time again no one knows of the circumstances we are each individually dealing with and we deal with them how we see fit...

@janeainsworth & penstemmon..ive just been looking through this topic and noticed a while back you were trying to disrupt this thread and upset members and it looks like your trying to do the same again!!!! none of us want negative feedback!!!!

@elegran there was no actual address given to me in that email just the town...no doubt my younger grandaughter will tell me when i next see her...

Sigh

Dollie It feels to me like you just want everyone to say exactly what you want them to say which is to tell you what you already think.

The title of this Forum is Am I Being Unreasonable

I am offering you my point of view which you can read and consider or ignore. Anything I post I do because I am trying to offer another perspective rather than just say exactly what you are saying. That is , I think, the point of this thread.

It seems you do not want other peoples' views but just want a lot of sympathy (which I did offer) and justification for your actions/feelings.
No progress with that attitude for anyone in a sad situation. All I am saying is when I have been in terrible situations I have tried to take on advice and act on it not just dig my heels in and make everything feel worse!

Raw feelings are expected in such circumstances as described on here, dollie but please don't think that anyone is trying to disrupt the thread. There are some very good, common sense, suggestions being offered by Gransnetters like janeainsworth and Penstemmon. I joined Gransnet at the beginning because I had been looking for support from other grandparents when I was temporarily denied contract with my grandson, and the successive threads that I participated in were constructive and gave me insight into different perspectives on mine, and others', situation.

This thread seems to be getting in a rut when it keeps reverting back to the same script, and I wonder whether starting a fresh thread with a slightly different title might help to unblock it? Just a suggestion, meant kindly.........

Morning Girls
Smileless Im so very happy for you seeing your beautiful little GS and he seeing you! If only that could happen a couple of times a week and for me too, we could than survive this hell a little better.
Even though I've blocked my ex and he knows I have, he is still sending hate mail in a round robin add to me, but obviously for the eyes of all but me! My ND recieved it and dosn't want me to see it, but if someone has writen something bad about you for all to see, you want to see it too! My ND also sent a really nice email to her brother (my S) saying we both love him and are there for him with our doors open for him to stay for as long as he likes, and also saying that all this nasty situation began with D and s.il big fight.
dollie I understand you
for Celebgran, Librachick and Nanban off to try and sort my PC so I can do my dreaded tax return!

Oh, if only I could receive an email from my daughter......because she really has done what the title of this thread states. I have written a letter to her but such is the state of things that my 23-year-old granddaughter (who thankfully visits very regularly) won't take it to her, as she wants no involvement whatsoever. If I post it, she'll more than likely rip it up. And now it looks as if she's going to be moving to the far north.
I'm finding myself agreeing with when, Penstemmon and janeaisnworth, though. The thread is helpful, but I'm afraid I don't see it as constructive at the moment.

To add to what I remarked - I find the thread helpful because it shows that we haven't given up and that we're carrying on with our lives without being so sad we're letting it destroy us.
The book 'When Parents Hurt' discusses the possible guilt that our adult children are feeling for different things that have happened between them and us. It's perhaps easier for them to 'let us go', rather than deal with it. Personally, I don't care about what guilt my daughter might be feeling and I don't need her to talk about it to me unless she wants or needs to. I want her back, no questions asked. We all make mistakes - that's life.

I am being cut out of a friends life. Someone new moved into the area and they seem to have more to offer than me. The new people are semi retired nurses, I have always suspected that my friends are hypochondriacs, so this suits them fine, they have free medical advice on hand which I could never give. Bit by bit my friends are not as enthusiastic as they were for my company, which makes me think I was only ever a convenience friend till someone better turned up. Has anyone else had this happen to them?

On many threads about "am I being unreasonable" or ones about family problems in general, I have noticed that posters ask what others would do, and read the replies and the suggested things to try. Then they say "I couldn't possibly do that because . . ." or "My position is quite unique, and you can have no idea what torture I am going through, so I am going to ignore your suggestions and complain that you are just upsetting me . . ."

I have also noticed that sometimes the details of the problem vary in the course of the thread.

Oh indeed yes, Newist! Their loss but it does hurt, doesn't it?

Sorry to hear that, Newist. It does hurt, and maybe they've given you an opportunity to find other friends who value your friendship. Busy nurses won't have much time for their one-way friendship, though.