cut out of thier lives 2

newist I have always imagined that is what happens to me. I can't cite an instance but I am always expecting it.

Whenim start a new thread by all means but some of will remak. Here I a sure as we find a huge amount of help and support here.

As for problems becoming stale well sadly for some of us there are no magic answers I would love for someone to come up with some for me!

For some of us going through hell day to day support can be a lifeline.

Sorry newist about your friend. That is hurtful.

Dollie you are spot on for whatever reason some people see to want to disrupt this thread. If it ain't broke don't fix it.

The idea is not to judge as Dollie says no one really knows anothers pain.

I like to think I am open to any help or ideas for my painful situation any suggestions gratefully received.!

Re reading your comments newist sorry they can't bee. Very sincere friends! Real friends love you and stick by you they are vastly different to what I call acquaintances.

Real friends are there no matter what your problems and it is a 2 way thing of course.

I would be happy to let the. Go if there are so insincere. Since our daughter cut us out I am more sensitive but think I have tried to make. MOre efforts with people we do have.

I was very upset when had run in with long term friends over my
Perception of the woman being rude now we keep I. Touch with the husband at his request, bizarre but it seems work. I was extremely upset by her comments though, spoken In Anger but hurtful saying she never me me, does not do much for morale!

Please do contribute to the thread Minty has started, Celeb. I remember you being actively involved in the issue of separation from grandchildren, and your input will very valuable on there.

Dollie and Celeb I can't add anything to what penstemmon, when and elegran have said, except that I have never tried to disrupt any threads on Gransnet, including this one.
When someone shares something on a thread like this, they are implicitly inviting comments and suggestions from anyone who reads the thread.
Please remember that constructive feedback is quite different from negative feedback.

Neither have I, Jane. Disrupting a thread is not what my previous post was about at all.

I do compare the threads on lack of access to grandchildren with those supporting those of us who have been widowed. There is the same generous degree of support from those in the same position, and from those who are not but are aware that they could be at any time. There is advice from those who have been through it on ways to cope, and suggestions of things to fill the yawning gap in our empty lives.

What I have not seen from the bereaved is a response that those who suggest practical strategies are not being helpful because their situation is quite different and they are not being sympathetic enough to other posters. This is just not true. Those who have taken active steps to heal themselves were in just as much pain but have been pro-active in finding ways to deal with it.

When you have lost your other half to death - and "other half" is absolutely the right expression - it is as traumatic as losing access to children or grandchildren, and in this case there is no hope - no hope at all - of a reconciliation and a return to normal.

The only way forward is to learn somehow to live without what you have lost, and to try not to make those who are still with you feel that they cannot come close to giving you what you seek from the lost one. If you continue to be in despair at every family celebration without them, store the gifts that you can no longer give them, as a shrine to their memory, centre your life around what cannot be, you place an intolerable burden on everyone else.

Like any other wound, it needs suitable treatment, possible by a professional, but as ours mothers used to tell us, "it will not heal if you keep picking at it".

Elegran I am very moved by your post for you

Thank you newist

I do admire your stoicism, Elegran

You have put this so well, Elegran. It really is a case of moving on, isn't it? All part of a grieving process that given the chance, we would do something about. In some cases it's not possible, and in other cases there's always hope. But in both cases we do have to move on.

As usual Elegran you have very well articulated my own thoughts on this.
You really do have a gift for not only getting to the heart of a matter, but also being able to articulate your thoughts in a very sensitive manner.

Perhaps the difference between bereavement and alienation is the hope that it could change. Death is "that country from whose bourne no traveller returns" and no messages will reach past that frontier, so moving on is the only course. Once you accept that, there is still a hill to climb but your gaze if forward (most of the time)

When there is still a chance of reconciliation, every possibility is clung to and every communication analysed to work out what they really meant by that, and veering between being angry with them and pleading forwith them for forgiveness, even when you don't know for what.

I wasn't looking for sympathy, or for praise for stoicism, just saying that we need to live our lives without them, and consider it a bonus if we do regain contact.

I do love you, Elegran

Soop

Thank you, Elegran - a thoughtful and searching post which I know people will find helpful in their troubles.

Thank you, Elegran, for your posts on this thread. I was very moved by the way you have compared bereavement, with the kind of loss that is associated with losing a loved one, who is still alive. I thank any god for the fact that my estranged daughter is alive, loves her children, and there remains hope that some kind of reconciliation may yet be possible. I am now in a place where I accept this may not happen. I want to live my life as well as I can, for others I love, and who love me, and also for myself. I'm no good to myself or to others if the main focus of my life is the losses within it. Thanks again, Elegran

Thanks whenim vey kind of you to say that.

Elegran very well thought out, it is hard to compare bereavement with alienation, intend to feel god forbid if our daughter died then she would. It be deliberately hurting us. Does that sound awful?

I discussed this with our neibor s who tragically lost their son aged 20 to leukaemia something they will never totally recover from of course it was distressing enough just as neighbours.

I agree there is always chance of reconciliation I don't keep shrine of presents elegran I do a blog online and find that therapeutic also we keep copies of any letters we send to our daughter due to their issuing us with police harassment warnings.

It is hugely complex but one thing I can't do is move on I will never accept losing my only daughter and grandaughter but I certainly try to cope and fill our lives /rebuild them but the sadness and almost disbelief is part of my
Life. I have accepted things are. It as I want them And they may never be and there are no words for how sad that makes me.

I don't think other family members would ever expect to fill that gap nor would they pretend to. What is important is to life our lives as enjoyably as we can and try not to get bitter or resentful. Leave the door open. Some,things must be taboo for me and personally I will not distress me or my dear husband by going in person again.

Dear Grans, sorry I have not been on for a few days, hubby away, reading books, bad day at work Monday, so feeling a wee bit vulnerable.

Reading at lunch breaks at work, wanting to comment, but will be back there soon, hard to read and comment on iPhone.

Hugs and love to all, be right back soon.

Sorry to hear of all the troubles and pain you are all having.

[hugs],

LC aka H xx

celebgran My concern for other family members is that so much concentration of love and longing on the one who is alienated could make them feel that they were valued less.

Elegran that is a very valid point and one I try hard to avoid but it is not possible for Me to pretend that I don't miss my daughter and feel totally gutted about 2 little babies ever seen and 1 not since babe I do however try avoid talking about it and spoiling lovely times with My son and his family.

As most mums would I guess I still try desperately to get my son to make contact ie I messaged him on daughters birthday Monday to ask if he would consider sending her greetings, but also saying totally understood if he didn't
So hard to give up on the family.

Librachick sorry you feeling vulnerable must admit we still fragile from daughters birthday Monday .

Keep posting we all try to understand.

Yippee we going to see my little great niece this afternoon.

Peaceful happy day to us all !

Realise I lucky my oh does not go away but he is out this evening! Rare event I will miss him.

Must get off here and get ready for acquacise.

Hope work better today librachick.

Smileless hope you can feel upbeat today!
You too yogagirl.

Afternoon ladies. Ooooh how lovely Celebgran I can just imagine you giving her lots of cuddles.

Sorry you're feeling vulnerable LibraChick I expect it's got something to do with your hubby being away. Mine got back yesterday tea time, he was only away for 2 nights and I did miss him. to cheer you up, hope work has got better as the week's progressed.

I had one of those horrible flat and I can't be bothered days yesterday. Used to have loads especially during the first half of last year. Don't have them nearly as often but always feel a little disappointed in my self when I do.

I know that's silly bec. we're all bound to get days like that but when I've been having a good run, it feels as if I then take a step backwards . Good news is I'm feeling brighter today. today after a wet start and my hubby got back yesterday. I think that was the problem, he wasn't here and it just threw me totally. Never used to be like that, he hardly ever goes away and I've always missed him in the past but it was a lot harder this time. He was supposed to be away last January but with every thing being so raw I asked him not to go, so bless him he cancelled.

Hope you're OK dollie you too Yogagirl. Have a good rest of the day every one. I'm going to paint the utility room ceiling at my brother's house that we've invested in, now that's such a long story it could be another thread . Finished the downstairs loo; only 7 more rooms to go!!

So sorry smileless but be patient I have those days and it is 5 years for me.

Understandable that you missed your husband your will soon
Brighten up glad you feel more positive today, must be painting! We need hallway done but going wait til after weekend away.

I DID NOT get cuddles from baby as had postpone til Monday as feel horrid came over unwell at acquacise but carried on and then started lane swim afterwards so did just 6 length s took painkillers but horrid headache been asleep! Feel bit queasy too. Must been unwell to postpone my lovely visit !

Just got up going have hot bath. All the lights hurt my eyes at pool have had before long time ago

I do also think lovely as it was to see your little grandson maybe that unsettled you and husband being away too.

hope you all have good evening.

Oh poor you Celebgran sounds like a migraine have a nice relaxing . What a shame you didn't get to see her today but you've got some thing to look forward to on Monday .

Painting went well, even got the walls done as well just all the edges to do now. That's the last ceiling for me, don't mind painting but hate painting ceilings; hubby and bro will have to do the others. It's easier for them as their taller and have better upper body strength, well hubby does any way .I always end up with an aching neck and shoulders!

Might pop on here again later but if not have a good evening Celebgran, Yogagirl, LibraChick, dollie and every one.

Morning all thanks smileless still not feeling great woke up 4 30 with very little worry churning round!

Not going line dancing but suppose better get filling and clean over at dentist! We away in 2 weeks for weekend want get out way.

Well done for painting smileless! Hope you still feeling upbeat today.

Hope yogagirl not let things drag you down we not hear from you recently.

Is husband back yet libra ? Hope so makes us vulnerable. Bless him my oh postponed his night out with I friend as I was ill.

Keep coming over hot too! Could be hrt reduction ?

Let's hope we all have enjoyable weekend. Quiet one for us really tour round our theatre ope. Day Tom then on t finish treatment for poor client I forgot wax strips for! Nice meal at home Tom night and out with friends for lunch Sunday.
Have good day everyone