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I feel like I ruined my gs christening

(57 Posts)
annie56 Fri 02-Aug-13 19:46:41

I feel gutted and cant get over it. I have 5 gc but my sons ds got christened last week. Rules of dress to us were suits (dh) nothing black etc. So we dressed perfectly for a christening (I would anyway even without rules) when we arrived there were godparents in black, no-one is suits other than dh and my other son who was godfather (godmothers wore dark too) so I thought maybe it was my sons gf telling us only what to wear. No-one spoke from her family to us and I spoke to a few in church (only her nan spoke)During party, each time we asked to hold our gs there were excuses such as he was hot, asleep, being winded etc but i saw him being picked up by dil stepmother, father, sister etc. We held him once to show my sil's who had never seen him and my daughter who had travelled for the christening with her 5 year old. No-one again spoke to us apart from dil grandparents. dil never came to our table to explain why gs was not able to come to us - 2-3 hours into party and we were still at our table with no-one speaking and no gs to hold. This is also the case normally, my dil has never been to our house with gs, and she stops my son bringing him by himself, we have to go to theirs when she gives permission.
At the end, we decided to leave about hour before end (lots of others had left) and I tried to kiss dil on cheek but she sort of offered little bit of her cheek, without meaning it I said well don't bother then and walked out with the rest of my family - my son (gs father) got upset but I didnt think he heard me - so now I feel like I wrecked the only christening that we'll have and feel sorry for my son who was so proud I never meant for it to come out - it was in my head and came out and think cos I had had one drink and I dont drink usually. I apologised by FB to dil but she answered with a few expletives and said I had embarrassed myself in front of everyone etc. i then sent her flowers and all pics of the christening on FB are of her family with gs - they never even asked if we wanted pics at the font, my sister in law had to suggest it
I am most gutted for my son, he says all ok with him but I cant forgive myself. i have looked forward to a gc christening and I go and blurt that out but I cant stand being treated like it - dil says we should have asked to hold him but we did ask our son for him and got all sorts of excuses then saw her family holding him and walking round with him. i admit we never went to their table to ask but didnt want to get rebuked in public
should I just let things lie now - hope someone understands how I feel, My husband even said I should have kept it in but couldnt help it coming out sad

gracesmum Fri 02-Aug-13 20:19:57

Oh I do feel for you and hope it is not nearly as bad as you remember. If all is OK with your son, he should be able to calm your DIL down - I suspect I am hearing quite a little bit of guilt on her part? She may not have realised at the time that she was neglecting you - it is very easy to get swept up with their friends and contemporaries, but she should have included you and should certainly not have been rude to you on FB (I hate FB as it so often brings out the worst in people - too easy to reply in haste and then regret it) . No way have you ruined his christening. best thing now would be to let her calm down and keep friendly and polite and show how proud you are to be DGS's granny. Good luck flowers

Ana Fri 02-Aug-13 20:26:32

I agree with gracesmum, annie, and would also urge against communicating with your DIL on FB - sometimes people can't seem to be themselves when they think they might have an audience...

You didn't ruin the christening, but you are beating yourself up and I can understand that. Please try to get it in perspective - family occasions can be so stressful! flowers

merlotgran Fri 02-Aug-13 20:29:19

Let it lie, annie56. Least said, soonest mended. smile

NfkDumpling Fri 02-Aug-13 20:50:12

You did try to kiss her goodbye and I don't suppose any of the other guests heard your remark and guests were leaving anyway so it probably wasn't as big a faux pas as it seems to you. You've apologised big time and your son is ok with you, you can do no more. It seems that your DiL is just a bit in the wrong now for her overreactive public response and any polite person would say they were sorry too for overreacting and all would be well.

I agree with the others. Be nice and friendly and normal - It's past, we all say and do stuff we regret - even your DiL!

glammanana Fri 02-Aug-13 21:23:57

annie you've sent flowers and spoken to your son I would now leave the door open for your DIL and say no more,when you do see her just laugh it off and get back on track as these things can esculate if you let them.sending you ((hugs)) & flowers

vampirequeen Fri 02-Aug-13 21:42:42

Stop beating yourself up hunni.

nanaej Fri 02-Aug-13 22:12:32

annie so much emotion all bottled up, so many hopes for the event. I bet you felt disappointed that it did not work out how you had planned in your head. I've been there!
I am sure the irritation you showed as you left was not noticed by many people at all. You have apologised and sent flowers to show you mean it. Now it is time to move on. You might want to offer an invitation to your DS and DiL to come for a meal or even just to come for a cup of tea and cake and ask them to suggest a day/time.
My advice is not to invest too much in any event. This avoids disappointment! The more casual you are the more likely your DiL will feel relaxed about visiting.
I know my DD1 feels that her MiL always makes it an 'occasion' when they go to visit and she feels she can't just call and say she is in the area and can she pop in for coffee with the boys.

specki4eyes Fri 02-Aug-13 22:13:51

Excuse me - will someone tell me what you did? I've read and reread this but can only see that you expressed frustration after hours of provocation! Don't fret anymore, you have already done more than enough. Keep your dignity - they are all at fault for not having the brains to understand that you were entitled to recognition of your status as his grandmother. How very uncivilised of them. Just keep the door open. I do feel for you

KatyK Sat 03-Aug-13 09:31:33

I can symphathise with this situation. We only have one child, a daughter.
I'm sure every mother looks forward to her daughter's wedding day. My SiL's (who we love to bits by the way) family totally ruined their wedding day. Apparently they felt slighted and left out although we did our best to include them. I'm no wedding expert, I just went along with my daughter's wishes. It wasn't a grand affair just a small gathering. The in-laws didn't speak to anyone on the day, didn't join in the dancing etc, turned their backs on me and my family and were very rude. There was an atmosphere all day.
They were quick enough to avail themselves of the free drinks we offered mind you. A big row ensued a few days later when my DD asked them what the problem was. That was quite a few years ago, my daughter has made her peace with them but they haven't spoken to us since. You haven't done anything wrong Annie, some people are not nice.

Nonu Sat 03-Aug-13 09:38:57

Hugs to you Annie56 .

Try not to fret yourself, easy to say I know , but do try .

Mamardoit Sat 03-Aug-13 09:59:15

I'm sure you didn't ruin the day. You did nothing wrong and I can understand why you feel upset. I think your DS should have included you more and made sure you had a chance to hold the baby.

But I also feel a bit for your DIL. I can remember my DS1 christenings being very stressful. I was a shy young mum with my first born out in full public view and I hated the whole experience.

I was BF him and worried he would be sick, dirty his nappy, cry during the service. He did all three and it seemed much worse with all the family there......I did feel more at ease with my own extended family than DH's. I felt that my MIL was more judgmental even though she was trying to be kind. We did get on well and she was a lovely grandma to my DC as they got older. In the early days of motherhood I found her too pushy. DH sisters (all experienced mums) were even more intimidating.

With my other 5DC I waited until the DC were a bit older before they were christened (varied between age 1 and 4). Much less stressful and a really wonderful family day for everyone.

I have five sons and I do think that as the mother of boys the first few months of grandparenthood will be different for us. In the long run we will be a full part of the young family's life.

henetha Sat 03-Aug-13 10:19:28

Great sympathy for how gutted you feel; I would too. But, my goodness, what a dificult lot they sound! Who can blame you for blurting it out!
Don't beat yourself up over this, it was not your fault. D.i.l. and family are the ones who should feel bad, - except of course those sort of people don't.

And it raises the whole question of, - how much shabby treatment should we put up with before making some sort of protest?

Mishap Sat 03-Aug-13 10:30:31

Sounds as though it was a difficult day. These things happen and life goes on.

Time to bite your tongue and bide your time in the interests of future relationships, especially with GS. There is often a touchy relationship with the person our children marry, so you are by no means alone in walking a bit of a tightrope.

Good luck!

Bags Sat 03-Aug-13 11:16:57

Something to be said for not making a Big Deal out of such events. When did christenings turn into party events?

I think there's also something to be said for not having certain expectations of What Should Happen.

I don't think you did anything wrong, Annie. It appears you were miffed at not getting to hold the baby at the after-christening party and said something you wouldn't have said if you hadn't been miffed. It seems your son doesn't mind.

So I'd join with the others and say don't beat yourself up about it any more flowers.

KatyK Sat 03-Aug-13 11:49:13

henetha - I wonder, like you, how much shabby treatment we should put up with. Re my post above, I kept quiet and have never said a word about it but they ruined my only child's wedding day. The only time I have spoken up about situations in the past it has made things worse. So I've learnt to shut up and put up - doesn't feel right though.

annie56 Sat 03-Aug-13 14:36:16

thanks for supportive comments
doesn't help that she moved out last night with the baby but came back later, my son said not to mention any more about christening as she always gets angry when i say something and he says to accept we won't get on


Grannyknot Sat 03-Aug-13 14:41:03

annie56 sorry for you. Let it be and focus on doing what you do, well. Let the rest of the world get on with their stuff.

I agree with you Bags re when did everything become such a big deal? We are in the midst of final preparations for my son's wedding in September, and although looking forward to it and happy about it, every now and again I think "What the heck is going on?" because a big fuss is being made about some detail that shouldn't be such a big deal.

annie56 Sat 03-Aug-13 14:53:09

my problem is feeling so sorry for my son - he was so proud on the day but tbh since she decided to throw a wobbly last night my son says he wouldnt care as he cant stand this life for years - he isnt totally happy, baby was not planned etc and they had only been back together for a month or so when she fell pregnant after being split up for about 5 years and each had other partners during that time - they were only 15-16 when first together. Son is questioned over where he spends his wages - he gets up at 5 every day and works as a tree surgeon all over the place. Sons g/f is at home on maternity leave but spends hers on baby stuff - that really he doesnt need, and savings and whatever else I dont know. My son pays bills, food and runs his car that he needs for work all out of his money. Up to them how they spend their money but is getting my son down. I am keeping well out now as I have learned my lesson. If she wants me to ever see Gs she will

Aka Sat 03-Aug-13 15:33:01

Give me grace to accept with serenity
the things that cannot be changed,
Courage to change the things
which should be changed,
and the Wisdom to distinguish
the one from the other.

Aka Sat 03-Aug-13 15:34:07

Easier said than done I know....

NfkDumpling Sat 03-Aug-13 16:04:00

It sounds as if you are definitely better keeping your distance and staying determinedly on the fence! You've already made it clear you're there if needed, you can't do more.

Hopefully they can resolve their relationship and all will eventually be well. flowers

NfkDumpling Sat 03-Aug-13 16:06:23

Aka - I've got that poem in the front of my diary on a piece of paper which spookily seems to fall out just when it's needed. I have big problems with the serenity bit!

henetha Sat 03-Aug-13 18:14:24

KatyK, like you I have learned from bitter experience that speaking out only leads to trouble! But it's not fair, is it! I keep my lips firmly zipped these days, but it is SO difficult sometimes!
One comforting thing about this website is that we realise that we are not alone in our problems; so many grandparents and in-laws seem to go through these upsets.

KatyK Sat 03-Aug-13 18:36:39

Henetha. I agree with you totally. I have always been seen as mouse-like I think, never said boo to a goose, always agreed with everyone (how pathetic am I). Then one day I lost the plot and the mouse roared. It caused more problems than there were in the first place, so the mouse is back (outwardly anyway). And yes, it is nice to know we are not alone.