On Christmas Day I will......

Usually the family is at the heart of Christmas activities with my home as the hub, but this year all of my children and even my beloved parents in law will be absent, with my blessing and encouragement. I have no doubt that I will have an occasional pang of sadness that we're apart, but knowing that we wouldn't be together for Christmas we made a point of holidaying with each of the children this year.

So, what to do? There are two local community lunches on Christmas Day, but I know they have more than enough volunteers already. I'm not sure yet exactly what the Wonderful Man will say, but our choices boil down to; stay at home and see who we can invite to join us, or go away together and have a very different sort of Christmas experience.

Oh! This is the original post on the Mona thread over there.

" OldMona Tue 10-Nov-15 10:00:48

We all feel that we just ruined our families' Christmases last year.

I asked my granddaughter to 'stand up pet and let Great Uncle Bill have a seat' when we were gathered for pre-lunch drinks. Apparently her self esteem still hasn't recovered and she now thinks she's of little value sad

Edna was so excited when her nephew brought his new baby around that she stroked her cheek and said 'ooh, what a poppet'. The baby is, apparently, incensed at having her space invaded and will probably never speak to Edna again (when she learns to speak) sad

And Shirley brought her granddaughter a Barbie doll and her grandson a train set and has, apparently, forced gender stereotypes on the children, tried to outdo Santa with the cost of the presents and cluttered up her DIL's house with plastic rubbish sad.

To add to all that, I passed around a tin of Quality Street after dinner and apparently deliberately 'imposed my own tradition' on DDIL who had a box of Belgian truffles in the fridge; Edna asked if she could listen to the Queen's speech not realising that she was 'taking over' the family day; and Shirley assumed her Grandson would sleep on the blow up bed so she could have his room, causing the poor lad to feel 'ousted' and 'as if he wasn't welcome in his own home'. She honestly just thought that with her chronic arthritis and bad back.......

So, we don't want to cause any more trouble. Would we BU to buy a nice turkey and pud in M&S and stay in Edna's house this year.

Thanking you,

Very good!

ZActually ga, both/either of those choices sound very nice.

Just popped over to the other side too.......surely not every person on there has drunk/abusive/neglectful parents? What a sad read it was

Scary place, Mumsnet but it does seem that some of them have good reason not to want to spend Christmas with parents or in-laws.

We've been invited to DD2 and her family this year but they are planning to come up for New Year and will be staying with us so they can also visit in-laws who live nearby.

They always give us a lovely time and it's tempting to go but we will have just moved into the Granny Pad and what with putting the dogs in kennels (expensive and probably too late to get them in now) and the long drive there and back I'm not sure it will be worth it when we're going to see them all just a few days later.

DD1 isn't sure of her plans as the boys will be in NI with their Dad and DIL will be working so although we will miss them all I think it might be nice to kick back and take it easy for a change.

I will feel a bit lost though

You would think that Gill ( I thought that too) surely bad parents, really bad, are a minority, and maybe outstandingly good parents are a minority too, but the bulk must be alright sort of parents, surely?

What did you do to get chucked off MN, Jingl?

It must have been really, really bad judging by some of the stuff that they get away with on there!

I didn't get chucked off there! Honestly! I think I got chucked off here once, but not off there. Perhaps it's all in together.

I didn't get chucked off there! Honestly! I think I got chucked off here once, but not off there. Perhaps it's all in together.

OldMona's OP is very funny, but does hit a nerve!!

When we lived near MIL she wouldn't come to our house (half a mile away) for Christmas Day as she preferred to spend it in her own home. However, she never invited us there either, so we used to take turns with DB and SIL - great fun! and invite DMIL, DGM and DBIL some time in the New Year.

I'm sure really bad parents are in a minority, but perhaps the adult children of those parents are the ones in need of support and go on MN to vent.

See. Twice.

I feel humble and also a wee bit sad. Dss1 and family will visit us for 5 days over Christmas. Ds2 and Ddil who live nearby will host dinner. I will take soup and pudding. Dss3 and gf will join us after dinner. All will be good.

However my own ds and family live 6000 miles away and it is too expensive for 3 of them to visit. It's 5 years since he was home although we made a trip to them 18 months ago.
Amidst all the goodwill of the day my heart aches.
He and his wife and dgs (2 years) will visit ddil parents who are a short flight away, they are very well off and will pay for the air tickets.

I will feel a little sadness at missing my only ds even though my 3 dsss are great, and I feel humble that I still have so much when so many wonderful gps will be alone and not of their choosing. Hugs to all of you.

Seems to me that a 'happy' Christmas is in the eye of the beholder. I hate Christmas, i posted some of the reasons earlier and it seems to me that if I'd posted over on MN then I'd be in the line of fire here. I'm not ungrateful or selfish but I would just like to actually enjoy Christmas for a change.

Wow - I shoudn't have read that second MN thread - how so many of them really don't like/hate their parents/in laws. So sad, don't recommend reading it.

I have had 2 lovely MILs, I actually got on with both a bit better than my own Mum, and we often shared Christmas.

I know when I was younger I didn't really truly appreciate how older family members felt - for examply when my Dads last brother died, Dad said how sad he felt being the last one left from their little family, and no one left to share his early memories. I sympathised, but now, getting towards his age, I can really understand so much more how he felt.

On MN perhaps it's like that too. They aren't at that age and stage of life, so are quite dismissive of loneliness. I wish people were more kind and less judgemental.

My FIL could be a pain. He liked to be the centre of attention and because he was diabetic (type 1) he thought the whole day should be all about him and his dietary needs.

MIL used to run round like a headless chicken making sure he was happy in case he ruined it for everyone but I refused to pander to him so we were lucky not to have any bust ups. I think he was scared of me

There's no way we would not have invited them though and it's a funny thing but I only really remember the happy times when he was in a good mood and played endless games with the children and laughed his head off at Morecambe and Wise.

Sometimes there has to be a lot more give than take.

Popping why shouldn't we see MN for what it is? If I hadn't posted the link, someone else would have. We're not that daft.

You are a bit scary merlot

Thanks for posting the mumsnet link janeainsworth. Wasn't it sad and angry, not difficult to understand why given the experiences the women posting had in their childhoods. Mumsnet posters don't hold back on talking about the abusive experiences they've had, whereas here on gransnet it seems to me, posters are less likely to be as direct or angry. Maybe that's partly the culture in our different age groups.
Whatever, it's clear from this OP and from other posters that the Christmas period is often very stressful for grans as well as for mumsnet posters.

Family life eh? Expectations in the highly emotionally charged Christmas period do seem to often be completely unreasonable. I feel blessed in having most members of my immediate and extended family who consider each other and try not to cause harm or hurt. Like so many families, that doesn't go for all my loved ones but we have to make the best of things don't we

Gosh - what a lot of anger there! very sad really.

I haven't been on Mumsnet, but reading some comments quoted on GN about what "they" say only makes me sad. Do these MN's not realise that their husbands parents are no different from their own and that mum in laws actually have feelings too? I do hope that none of these "lovely" mumsnetters have sons because they will eventually be the very paternal grandma that they appear to hate so much.

I think the common thing seems to be that "their" mum can do no wrong but their husbands mum is some kind of evil witch to be avoided at all cost.

I pity anyone left on their own at Christmas (or at any other time really) simply because their children are so selfish that they can't bare to share a day or even part of a day with their parents. Christmas to me and my family has never been about money it has always been about spending time with one another. This will be the first Christmas in my entire life that I haven't spent with my grandma. Yes I have had a little private moan when she asked to go home half way through dinner, or she refused to move into the lounge after the meal but what I wouldn't give to have her sat at my dinner table this year.......

mollie I wish you didn't have to invite all those ungrateful, moaning people - is it really strictly necessary? Your Christmas sounds such hard work - and so unappreciated.

I like the idea of a family and friends get-together but I do think Christmas is so over-hyped these days. All the fancy recipes, "dressing" the table, etc. etc. What's wrong with just a nice meal, a few glasses of wine and some crackers?

There were times when we were both working and the children were younger that I would have enjoyed a very low key Christmas but, as an only child, my parents would have been terribly hurt not to be invited each year (my husband's parents were overseas). Now that Mum's on her own, she would be equally upset not to be invited. My husband leads a fairly self-contained life throughout the year and doesn't make many concessions for Christmas either, and my daughter is much the same. My son and his partner, and their two children usually come to us for Christmas (I'm not sure about this year) which is lovely because otherwise there'd just be Mum and me and the inevitable "Deal or No Deal" at full blast.

I am sorry that some Gransnetters are sad about being alone at Christmas. I think TV ads showing joyous family celebrations have a lot to answer for. Many people are on their own and unfortunately not all family get-togethers are as good-humoured and enjoyable as the advertisers would have us believe - as mollie's post evidences.

Oldmona's post is hilarious and awful at the same time. She should write the sitcom!!
I'm so lucky, my son will be here with his children the weekend before Christmas so we'll celebrate then ( and he loves cooking ...) for Christmas I'll be at my daughter's. Reading all these posts is truly making me count my blessings!
So sorry for those who are, not by choice, alone. Can we have a Birmingham meetup just after Christmas with maybe a little Secret Santa? Tegan? Nonnie? Anyone?!

gillybob, just to reassure you, the mumsnet thread is equally vociferous about maternal grans/mothers. The anger is reserved only for the paternal gran.