AIBU to want to make a speech at my child's wedding

Hi, to put it bluntly, this is their wedding, not yours. I know how hurtful that is...I know that as parents of the groom we sometimes draw the short straw as well in things like weddings, grandchildren etc. But personally I think it has to be done the way they wish it...grin and bear it.

Why not write a note saying how happy you are that your son has found such a lovely life partner and wish them luck in their new life? Pop it in the card and give it to them before the wedding.
Presumably, if it is to be a sit down meal, you will be at the top table which will indicate how important the wedding is to you.

Yogogran I must say I haven't read every single reply but what I have skimmed through seems to be saying 'no' to a speech! I am shocked that women are still being seen as persona non grata and with formal events such as weddings becoming more informal in many cases these days with wedding receptions in fields (my daughter) and barns (other daughter) I thought times had changed.
I walked my eldest daughter down the beautifully flower-decorated aisle in a field (register signing done on a different day) and my son (youngest of 4 and the only boy) walked his other sister down the aisle in church. I am too self conscious to make a speech but so wish that I had now, however short. These faux-formal restrictive weddings are about showing off that you care more about money and how things look (photos, talking about it to others) than how people really feel imho. Most weddings degenerate later in the evening in my experience to over-drinking and dramas! True colours perhaps lol?!
I think that you should prepare something short but loving about the two of them and their future life together including how pleased you are that the bride is in your (or your son's) life now and stand up after the bride's dad's speech and tap your glass loudly and go for it. End with a toast and don't go on, just be brief! Especially if you have a reputation for talking too much! I believe you will regret it otherwise.
Times have changed. If you are brief and complimentary to the bride everyone (worth their salt) will be happy about it and it will add to the occasion.
Don't tell anyone and see how you feel on the day - you may change your mind!
If you want to pm me with what you would like to say I would be happy to help. Good luck lights blue touch paper and stands well back...

Write him a letter telling him everything you would say in a speech. I wrote to each of my daughters when they got engaged, bless them they have kept and framed the letters. Somethings are best said/written one to one!

As others have said, kick back and enjoy the day and your cracking new outfit!

When my brother married, our parents were already dead, so I was the family representative, along with my husband. Suddenly out of the blue during the dinner, the bride's mother stood and asked if I'd like to make a speech. I was completely thrown. I'm very shy and of course had nothing prepared. Everyone was looking at me expectantly. Luckily my husband, a real extrovert stood up and spoke on our behalf. The bride's mother was an actress and probably thought nothing of talking in public. Back to the original question. I think you should be allowed to make a speech but you must go along with what the bride and groom want. It's not worth falling out over.

EMTEE, most of us don’t want to return to the dark ages of women as goods - but in this case, yogogran has already asked if she can give a short speech and has been told no.
Most of us would accept that.

There is nothing in the original post that says what TYPE of wedding it will be anyway - unconventional or otherwise, but we do know they don’t want a mother of the groom speech.

Last year our only daughter got married, a traditional church wedding was followed by a reception. However, they chose to have no speeches, apart from a brief word of thanks from the groom for attending, no first dance, no cutting of the cake. Were these our choices- no? However, we respected their wishes and said nothing - everyone had a lovely relaxed day. Let the couple be free to do what they want, determine to support their choices with love.

When my son married - a more mature bridegroom than usual- one of his brothers-in- Law was a kind of “Master of ceremonies” - a very outgoing Irishman, he spoke amusingly about both bride and groom. This worked well as both father of the bride and close friend best man were quite shy and spoke briefly. As a single parent I had spoken at two of my daughters’ weddings, the third chose a much loved uncle. If everyone agrees, I don’t think it matters who speaks after all most weddings are a mixture of traditional and modern!

I barely remember the speeches when my DS got married apart from my sons speech.

Brides do seem to have a tendency to take over the whole thing! We (eventually) laughed when we saw how few photos there were of our side of the nuptials. It became a bit of a joke between his twin sister and me! Well, perhaps I pretended to laugh when I was actually seething! all said tongue in cheek ladies! Water under the bridge. I think I may be a wicked MIL ???

Ps Don't worry about the speeches! Just ensure you get in the close family photos ....

No. Don’t do it! Think of the bigger picture.
If your DIL has already vetoed doing a speech and you deliberately ignore her wishes on her wedding day, of all days, she’s going to remember that for a very long time.
Chances are she might limit access to any future grandchildren because she already knows that you can’t be trusted to follow her wishes and your son can’t argue with that.
Don’t alienate your future relationship for the sake of your need for a bit of the limelight, otherwise you will regret it.

I fear you risk making yourself look ridiculous yogogran , your son could be extremely embarrassed at looking like a ‘mummy’s boy “ and your DIL to be has already vetoed your idea.
Can’t you see that this is NOT the important day for you that you seem to think it is?
It is quite simply their day and yes, a “back seat”is what we take as we move up the generational ladder.
I am hearing somebody who wants this wedding day to be about her too, sadly it is not. Be satisfied that you have raised a lovely young man , who has found a loving partner for life, many people cannot even achieve that.
You are risking undermining your future relationship with the couple, her family and your friends.
“And do you remember how X’s mum got up and made that speech? I didn’t know where to look!”
Plus I worry about a sentence starting
“ She is a nice girl but ...” I fear it sums up how you feel about her...

In my opinion, you really need to respect what your DiL wants, ie no speech from you. I was actually asked as MoB to give a speech and I was too nervous, so didn’t. My husband gave a lovely speech about the bride and was also very nice about the groom.

As someone else here has suggested, do make sure you are in the photos, which will be seen long after everyone has forgotten who said what at the wedding.

The day belongs to the bride and groom. ?

As others have suggested write a letter or card saying what you want to say and address your words to them both. They will be able to keep it for years to come, words just disappear soon after they are spoken. Since the bride has said no to your request I would advise you to drop the subject.

EMTEE These faux-formal restrictive weddings are about showing off that you care more about money and how things look (photos, talking about it to others) than how people really feel imho

What an unpleasant generalisation. Why do you think you speak for young couples couples of any age, for that matter?

EMTEE
This is *why not*:

Even though as I say I would want it to be very short my dil to be has effectively said no.

If DIL-to-be had said 'That's a lovely idea' that would be fair enough. But, as other posters have said It's not about you, OP.

Emtee, I agree with NotSpaghetti , she asked, she was told no, this is not about woman’s equality , it’s about the wishes of the bride. Like it or lump it, it is there day.

Their ,not there

You have NO choice but to toe the line.
You absolutely have to unless you want to join the huge line of sad MILs on here who no longer see their sons or grand children, because they have crossed, disagreed mildly, offered an opinion, stuck up for their son in any way, to their DIL.
Of course there are exceptions and some MiL and DIL relationships are great.
Also you have to ask yourself , would I have accepted interference, opinions etc from my own MiL ?
Unlikely eh?

Plus I worry about a sentence starting%
“^ She is a nice girl but ...” I fear it sums up how you feel about her...^

I do hope the bride-to-be's parents are not thinking 'he's a nice boy but ......'

I too thought EMTEE’s comments were a bit over the top, you just expressed it better Janea!
Yogo please don’t insist on doing what your future DiL doesn’t want. A lovely card to both of them is best I think.
Look at some of threads on the MiL/DiL relationship - you really don’t want to get off on the wrong foot. Also don’t jeopardise your relationship with DS ...

Good observation Jalima1108, it doesn’t bode well when you add a ‘but ‘to a sentence, it makes it obvious Yoyogran, doesn’t really think daughter in law to be, is good enough for DS in my opinion.

Well, I must admit that it was MawBroon's observation and I agreed with it and wondered if the same could be said for the bride's family and what they may be thinking of the groom (and his mother)


Don't start off on the wrong foot, Yogogran, if you do it could be a long struggle ahead

If your DiL-to-be has said No I think that has to be your answer.. However, I have lovely memories of my step daughters wedding which looked very traditional (beautiful bride's long white dress etc) but was great fun and where the first person to give a speech was the groom's mother who wrote an hilarious poem which got everyone laughing. A number of the guests on both sides of the family (and several generations) had travelled from around the world to be there and there was a great sense of reunion which was totally embraced by the bride and groom. A lot of very funny and enjoyable speeches which made the whole day a wonderful celebration.
I think the celebration of 2 people starting their lives together should be a celebration of family, life and love and I'd love a family wedding embracing all the people invited

We went to a Cypriot wedding ( my sons best friend), they had a tradition where at the end of the British traditional speeches father of the bride n best man, anyone could also say a few words. It was lovely, no one spoke too long, but so many had known either the bride or groom since childhood that they were very personal recollections. Unfortunately you have have both bride and groom in agreement.