AIBU to want to make a speech at my child's wedding

I sometimes wonder whose wedding it is. I did not want a four year old cousin of DH as my bridesmaid. Big sulk from child's parents who showed their feelings by not attending our wedding.

I went to a wedding once where the mother of the groom (widowed) stood up and made a long speech (unplanned) and everyone was highly embarrassed by her emotional over the top ramblings. The groom looked as if he could have sunk through the floor! Just don't go there! (Unless incited). Theres nothing to stop you telling them and all the other guests individually how you feel! At some weddings a video is made including asking guests at the reception for any messages to the bride and groom. That could be your chance. Or a book is passed round for comments. You could suggest or provide this and write the first comment. Alternatively could you do a readin g at the service?

Our DD inlaws took over the whole wedding, except for the expense. I was told to “blend in” with my outfit and “I can’t understand what all the fuss is about the MOTB”.
Can I suggest that you do what we did and bite your tongue. Pride radiated from us looking at the beautiful girl we had raised.
Speak to your son before the wedding and tell him how proud you are (your speech). You don’t need to tell anyone else. That special moment with your son is far more important and special than sharing it with the world.
Hope you have a wonderful day x

Please don’t go there! Especially as the idea has been vetoed already. There are so many other ways you can express your feelings as others have said. At DDs wedding the FoB speech was made by one of her brothers because DH has expressive language problems. DH was offended but mollified when we had a lunch the next day for close friends and family and he did his speech then. Could you do something like that?

Good morning, I have not posted before but would like to join this discussion.
Too many speeches at a wedding can be a bore. In your position I should write a letter to both of them saying what you would like to say in a speech, making sure you welcome your dil into your family and saying how much you are looking forward to the future. Something for them to treasure, handwritten on beautiful stationery.

No speech from you. Go in and smile and show how very happy you are and what a wonderful mother and mother in law you are going to be. All this quietly in the background.

Having sat through so many tedious, waffly ones, I have to say that to me, at any wedding, the fewer the speeches the better, and if they were all limited to 5 minutes, that would be better still.

Having said that, OP, I can understand that you want to, but IMO best not to make a thing of it or be seen as 'difficult' when the marriage has barely started.

Yes you are being unreasonable. It's not as if it's a standard part of a wedding for a groom's parents to make speeches. If you were bride's father, or best man, and had been told not to, you'd have reason to protest. But if anything non-standard is to happen, it needs to be suggested and decided by the couple themselves.

Weddings must be one of the last places where tradition still holds, I always say this but your 'job' is to dress up, turn up, smile and welcome the new bride. Your son will probably have enough problems with the best man without you saying anything. If you feel you must tell him how great he is etc why not send him a letter which he can keep forever if he wants. It is intriguing how all these customs came about, I don't know but I suppose in the past it was important for the Bride's father to talk her up to the family which she was entering. We hang on to these customs and get the kind of dilemma you have.

Traditionally it’s the Bride’s day.
Your son would probably find a speech of praise by his mother excruciatingly embarrassing!

When my second son got married, he crossed the floor to have the first dance with ME.
The tears were tripping me and he pointed to the other couple on the floor which were his father (my now ex) sanding with the new bride.
It was her suggestion apparently and paved the way for a wonderful relationship not only with our son but with us and I love her very much.

Oh no, absolutely not! I was more than happy to leave all the arrangements to my DIL's family, share some of the costs and just enjoy the day. My DIL did actually make a speech, which was unusual, thanking us for accepting her into the family. She can do no wrong in my eyes.

Gawd! dancing not sanding.

How about writing down what you would like to say and show it to your dil? She would be able to see you would keep it brief. Worth another gentle try. Weddings are much less traditional nowadays, so am surprised she is so inflexible, but don't think it's worth falling out over.

It is their day, and they must be allowed to make arrangements as they want.

Take a step back, enjoy the fact that your son is happy and don't let this to become a springboard to bad feeling for the future.

Not especially helpful but - My eldest went away to the States for a holiday with his American girlfriend and they got married there and then! With no warning and literally in their jeans and T shirts. He was never going to go down the traditional white wedding route anyway, but basically what I'm saying is, be happy you are involved at all!

The wedding is for bride and groom and bride's parents even if you do chip in. This is nothing compared to what you face later. DiLs are not easy for MiLs. You are likely not to be as close to any grandchildren as dils parents are. Best thing to do is praise dil as often as poss without going over the top. Do whatever she wants. If you can't bear some situation any longer say to DS that he and she are both wonderful but you would really like eg to see dgc more often/them more often etc but you completely understand if not convenient. The last thing you want to do is fall out w dil about a speech before they even get married.

GabriellaG, the image of the father of the groom 'sanding' the floor with the bride is priceless. No wonder he is now an 'ex'. ?

I scored a goal for the girls when I gave a MOB speech, which went down well. She does have a brother, so it was a privilege for me to be asked. But that was my daughter, and I wouldn't expect to give a speech for a son's wedding.

I would have another chat with your future DiL and outline what you want to say. Yes, keep it short if you get to do it on the day, avoid being over-emotional which is unpleasant from anybody. A previous poster has said it's the bride's day: it's your son's too. There is no reason in 2018 why women should not make wedding speeches or have a man do so on our behalf. Could you do a reading which encapsulates what you want to say? But clear with relevant persons first. Unusually, our family was sidelined at my daughter's wedding and I still feel a bit cross about it.

Please do respect your the bride's wishes, otherwise you are starting the mother-in-law daughter-in-law relationship on the wrong foot, and it is usually difficult enough without offence being given and taken at the wedding!

Why on earth don't you write the nice things you want to say in a card to the bridal couple?

I have sat through so many speeches at weddings and other important occasions that have made me, as a visitor, cringe and seen far to many brides and bridegrooms made uncomfortable by what was said. The worst instance was someone going on at great length about the mother of the bride who had died six months previously.

I'm sure you won't be so tactless, but it is tactless in the extreme to make a speech when you have already been told that the bride does not want anything except the speeches she can't persuade her father etc. not to hold. She would probably gladly dispense with Daddy telling everyone what a lovely girl she is and how lucky your son is to be marrying her!

Apricity
?...I'll send him a screenshot of that stupid mistake. I'm sure he'll come back with a pithy remark.

My best friend asked if she could do a speech at my wedding - there wasn’t a dry eye with what she said - and everyone said how lovely it was - don’t not ask and live to regret it

There were no speeches at my wedding - which secretly I was disappointed about. This was because my husband didn't want to and his son the best man didn't. It was an informal wedding reception though. I can understand how you feel, but if Bride has decreed no speeches (as my husband did) there must be a strong reason. Just try to enjoy it.

Amma54 has suggested just what I did, i.e. gave a reading at each of our DDs' weddings. I should add that I was asked to do so, my two sons-in-law being the most keen and choosing the poems (Sonnet 116 'Let me not to the marriage of true minds...' and 'i carry your heart with me' by e e cummings - annoyingly lower case (!)). I hope I was able to inject some of my own feelings into both renditions and they seemed to go down well.
As for giving a speech - it's a no-no, particularly as the bride and groom don't want you to, and generally because listening to speeches is usually such a bore (most go on far too long) when all guests want to do is continue with the grub and wine. Go with the flow and don't rock the boat. You can always express your feelings to individual guests later informally.