AIBU to want to make a speech at my child's wedding

Unfortunately, that's the lot of parents of the groom. But my DIL asked me to do a reading at the civil ceremony because she didn't want me to feel left out.

I would suggest you might find out about saying a verse or Bible reading during the wedding, there is always room for that, but apart from that I would bite the bullet and say nothing at the wedding.
I felt like a complete outsider at my DS's wedding - I was asked to make some floral arrangements (had to be in jam jar type containers in a kind of 'give MIL something to do' way - but I knew nothing of the colour scheme or indeed who was giving speeches.
For future peace with your DIL, just leave it and maybe give a short note to your DS to tell him how much he means to you.

Yes it is their day, but DIL is being extremely selfish by excluding you, but unfortunately you do have to bite the bullet. Send your son a special card for him to read on his own on the morning of his wedding, and say all that you want to say to him personally. I know that I was so privileged when my son and DIL asked if I would like to say a few words, and I was actually able to do so without blubbing !

I do empathise with you, I was quite surprised how emotional I became when our son married. However, my husband did make a speech on behalf of our son and it ‘brought the house down’ as he began to describe the caring, loving man we knew! Fabulous memories of a wonderful wedding. Show some of these responses to you Di L to be and she may decide to change her mind. Whatever, have a lovely day.

As the person who single handedly brought 2 of my children up, I would have loved to have made a speech but I wasn't asked and broad hints were completely ignored! I was a little disappointed but if I want to tell the world how wonderful my son and daughter are, there are other ways like Facebook. Maybe when we are discussing empowerment of women, we could discuss the empowerment of men on their wedding day!

Dear Yogogirl - Please take on board what most of the posters here have said. A wedding day is all about the bride. And the bride (nice girl, BUT??) has said no. End.Of.Story.
Be nice, zip it, smile for the cameras, and start banking up goodwill with her. This is the start of your relationship with the future mother of your grandchildren......

At my daughter's wedding to an American I said ' a few words' ..."I'd just like to say that I'm losing a daughter but gaining a huge phone bill..." Laughter ...! This was years before FaceTime etc!!! ?

Yogo - of course your only son's wedding is a big day for you but why can't you enjoy your big day without making a speech?
Can't you simply share the happiness of the bride and groom on the day by watching them make their vows and taliking to all the guests about how happy you are?
Sorry but there seems to be a misplaced sense of entitlement here.
It's not you who is getting married, it's your son and future DIL. The attention is on them and the decisions on who or who doesn't make a speech is also a matter for them.

My son and his wife married on the anniversary of our wedding day. The wedding was all arranged and paid for by the bride's parents. They were careful to make sure that no one was missed out. My husband was Best Man, my son's choice and my husband felt it was a huge honour.
I did a reading during the ceremony and it was a reading that was used at our own wedding 34 years earlier. My husband(as best man) did a speech, the bride's father did a
speech. Bride and Groom's siblings witnessed the signing of the register as did the Mother of the bride. Bride's brother was also an usher.
A lovely happy wedding.

I would say - Just do it. When our son married, there were the usual speeches. Like you, my husband wanted to say something about our son. As the Father of the Bride was 'winging it', and the guests were fidgeting, and I was sitting next to the Best Man on the evening, I suggested to him that the Father of the Groom would like to say a few words too. My husband stood up and did just that: lots of smiles all round, lots of clapping, and with the guests now all 'warmed up' we moved quickly on to the Best Man's very humorous speech. BTW, the Father of the Bride thanked us as he said was nervous about his speech.

You've been told 'no' that should really be enough. For all you know, maybe your son doesn't want you to make a speech either but doesn't have the heart to tell you, so it's been left to the bride to do it. Please don't 'tap your glass loudly' and jump up and give your speech/toast, it will cause I'll-feeling and I'm sure you don't want that.

Spot on Florence, I wouldn’t need telling twice!

Me neither!!

So the DIL is selfish for wanting to plan her own wedding with her fiancé.

But the OP isn't selfish for making demands on a day that isn't about her and causing stress to the couple when they will already be stressed enough.... right.

Accept that the day is not about you. Your son doesn’t need you to make a speech telling everyone how wonderful he is (surely he knows this already) - and the best thing you can do for him is not upset the bride! Dress up, put your happiest face on and enjoy the day?

Honestly, I've never felt the need to say it before, but I really can see how some people get off on the 'wrong foot" with their in laws!

I'm sure it's all been said already (I'm a bit late to the party!) but it is their day, no-one else's. yes, her family are making the arrangements (with the happy couple's input I would hope) and I'd be happy with that. If she's said no, then accept and move on. Your son is now her husband first and foremost and will not be happy at playing 'piggy in the middle' so early in his marriage.

I do agree that this is the Bride and Groom's Day and if you have offered and they have (politely I hope) said 'No' then that is that. I quite agree that you should be able to say something if you wish but you have to abide by their wishes and not get off on the wrong footing with your DiL and her family. My SiL was terrified of making a speech and worrying about it was going to spoil his day - I suggested he could thank everyone for coming right at the beginning of the afternoon when guests were standing and were enjoying a glass of fizz and a piece of wedding cake - he did really well in the end and was then able to relax and enjoy the rest of the day and evening. So, traditions can be changed to suit those involved - brides often make speeches these days too but they must choose. I hope you all have a wonderful day.

You have my sympathy and understanding but my son would have died of embarrasment if I had made a speach saying how wonderful he was! DiL's have to be pacified on their wedding day - they have done most of the arranging and can be very stressed on such a highly charged occasion. Anything that could cause bad feeling should be avoided at all costs. No mother wants to be at odds with her DiL as this will only cause problems for their son.
My other son is getting married soon and I am going to bite my tongue and go with the flow again, its worth it in the long run. Good luck and I hope you can enjoy the wedding. It would spoil it for your son if he thought you were unhappy.

You sound very detached and seem not to have accepted that your son is now part of a couple and you either love and support them both or you risk driving a wedge between yourself and your son.

Do you need to make more effort to forge a good relationship with his new wife? She is now part of your family!

It might be reassuring if yogogran came back and commented on the (overwhelming) majority opinion. .
Somehow I am still filled with foreboding!

I disagree that it is "their" day. I feel a wedding is a joyous family occasion, a meeting of two people and their families. Anyone wishing to take a part in the day should be encouraged. At a recent family wedding in Canada, there was a time in the day when guests were encouraged to stand and say something about the couple: several guests did and it was a lovely, friendly, welcoming, often funny, and occasionally thought-provoking activity.

Some more joyous than others, I would think.

My son and I gave a speech (well a little poem we wrote actually) at my DDs wedding because her father REFUSED to give one.

It's the role of the best man to speak highly of your son so maybe you can ask him to put in a few of your words into his speech of the things you would like said