AIBU to want to make a speech at my child's wedding

I would normally not share any of the details of my pretty awful wedding, but this one seems apposite.

For context, we paid for it all ourselves. My mother and MIL loathe each other with the heat of a thousand suns and appeared to be in some kind of competition as to who could behave the worst towards us in the run up to the event. MIL via some very heavy emotional blackmail involving a dying grandparent convinced H to change the entire venue and the form of the ceremony at very considerable expense after all was paid for, and the work of essentially reorganising the wedding fell to muggins here. Perhaps that will give an idea of what I mean when I say they behaved badly.

In the run up to the wedding, there was the usual discussion about speeches. The day was fairly formal (H insisted in a massive expensive affair, I had my heart set on something as low key, small and cheap as possible, since the previous wedding we booked several years previously, MIL insisted be cancelled or she would disown H as she "wasnt ready for him to marry"; thousands of pounds of deposits were lost and I was too ashamed to ever go and collect the wedding dress I had bought), and as a result I was told by H there would be the usual speeches.

I asked if I might have a minute of my own to thank some people he had told me he was not prepared to thank (my little flower girls, my aunt and my elderly widowed grandmother) and it was made clear to me that he had spoken to ILs and there would be no departure from the usual list. I accepted this.

On the day, just before my father was to make his expected speech, H introduced my FIL who then went on to make a fairly lengthy and regrettably slightly drunken speech about what a great guy H is and how great MIL is. This would probably have gone down better with the guests if FIL had said literally a word about me or even H's brother, the best man, who like me was not prepared for this turn of events.

The guests did not receive this well. My father was so put off by this happening that when he was finally given the microphone, he was not his usual fluent self which he regretted bitterly.

Friends and extended family stil, occasionally make jokes at my expense about the "speeches hijack" and also about the outfit MIL wore. (A black veil is not traditional attire for the mothers at Catholic weddings. It is also not traditional for the mother of the groom to bodily shove the bride aside off the chapel steps as the couple exit and yell to the guests "I WANT A PHOTO WITH MY SON" either. This I regret to say was not the nadir of the day, although my uncle has a snap of a falling bride and a shoving MIL that will probably show up on a clickbait site some day)

I am certain OP would not engage in behaviour of this type, but I offer this purely as a caution against offering impromptu speeches at weddings when the bride and or groom clearly do not expect one to be given. The guests notice, they laugh, many people are embarrassed.

How utterly awful gummybear. I am surprised you actually got as far as the second attempt at the wedding. You and your wishes seem to have been completely ignored throughout. Bride, what bride? Sounds as tho they could have put a shop mannequin dressed in white in your place and just repositioned it periodically. Surely there were lots of red flag alerts about the family you were marrying into? If you are still together you must love your husband very much to have stuck with such shenanigans and disrespect. ?

For goodness sake it isn't YOUR flaming wedding. While you might want to tell people how proud you are of him, this is not your platform to do so. And yes, I rather think you are BU.

Quoting from the OP "what a lovely man he has become and how I am looking forward to seeing him settle into his new future" This is between you and your son. Should you stand up in public and say it you would embarrass him and no one else is interested. If you want to make a speech, it should be about how happy you are he has found such a wonderful woman to be his wife and how you look forward to call her daughter. Write that down, run it by some people who dare tell you the truth, and when it's pitch perfect put it on a card and take it to your DIL. Explain that you respect her choices for the wedding, but that there is something you wanted her to know and give her the card. Then behave like you mean what you wrote. Come here and vent, by all means, but when it comes to your DIL the worst you can ever say is in all future occasions is that you are disappointed to not be there to share a special moment with them. And save that for the really special moments, not Christmas eve or Sunday dinner. Remember: you are sad to not see them enjoy the moment, not because they had chosen not to share it with you. Harsh, I know. But you want your son happy so you need to learn a new dance and the tune is: It's their life, she's his wife, you are now number two and the number will get higher once they're blessed with children. And yes, chances are her mom will see the kid before you do. No one wants their MIL in the birthing room, some will want their mom there.
Welcome to life as the mother of the groom...

It's the role of the best man to speak highly of your son
That comes after he has told everyone all the secrets the son has been keeping from his mother of what he got up to in his youth Shazmo

Brilliantly put ap123.

This thread is now on a site called Starts at 60 and it mentions Gransnet. Proud mother complains: Bride denied me a speech at only son’s wedding ?

Are you still married to this chap gummybears??!!

Faye
Thanks for letting us know
Have we been 'had' again?
Used as fodder by a journalist?

People who have put very personal posts on here may want to have them deleted.

www.hitched.co.uk/wedding-planning/organising-and-planning/order-of-wedding-speeches_1317.htm

Most imprtant for you is that the bride has the wedding she wants and that you make good contact with all her relatives if you can. Tell them how happy you are your son is marrying her. All the best.

Lucky, apricity, indeed we are still married. The point about it being the second wedding has been made before and in all honesty, the older I get the more I question some of my decisions....

But we are where we are. I made a commitment and I will honour it to the best of my ability. My own mother behaved despicably regarding the wedding as well. Thankfully I have my dad, brother, and BIL to rely on in life!

You poor thing, gummybears what a dreadful sounding wedding. I thought mine was bad enough but your takes the biscuit!

Gummybear, that's the thing about getting older. Sometimes you look back and wonder about your younger self and the best answer you can come up with is "it seemed like a good idea at the time". C'est la vie. ?

At our son and daughter-in-law's wedding, the best men (there were 2!) both gave speeches that praised our son. Why don't you chip in with the best man on his speech?
Enjoy a lovely day!

If we are being used as a journalists fodder, Imthink the whole thread should be pulled and the OP barred.

I think that is wise, as some people have put very personal details on here.

The link which a poster alerted us to was to an Australian site.

Have we been suckered?

And the username was very similar to one already in use, which I think the other Gransnetter was a bit surprised about.

Never end a sentence with 'about' like wot I did

I’m upset that anyone would think I am a journalist. I am not and I am as surprised as anyone to see my post on a website I have never heard of. I realise this is a public forum and can be viewed by anyone but it was a genuine question and the genuine replies that were offered in good faith have been very helpful to me. I joined the site some years ago but have been a lurker up until now. When I chose my username I did not know it was similar to anyone else’s but I imagine on a site with thousands of users this is not unusual. I have certainly spotted several that are similar

Most threads on Gransnet are now on Facebook and also a site called Starts at 60, let’s hope they don’t post the actual names of posters.

Apologies then, yogogran for doubting your intentions. It just goes to show though, there is a wide world out there keeping an eye on our threads - so don't post any too personal .

anything not any

Starts at 60 also has a FB page

Tell him privately what you would have said. Good luck x