substance and alcohol abuse

I know with my first OH that there was a point where he could have stopped and he chose not to. You get used to regular drinking at a particular time or after doing something regularly. With him it started with when he came in from work while I was cooking the meal - I had a drink too - but then with him it became whenever he came in through the front door.
When I realised and mentioned it he scoffed but I stopped my evening Martini and did miss it for a few days and since then have never drunk at a regular time etc. He developed a real problem then and after a nervous breakdown took Antabuse for a while but he soon stopped that and so the decline continued.

I had hypnotherapy to stop smoking and it was a total success. When the therapist was chatting beforehand she asked me why I had never given up before. I said ‘I’m addicted to nicotine’, to which she replied ‘do you get up during the night for a cigarette?’ When I answered ‘no’ she said ‘then you aren’t addicted’

My ex (alcoholic) is ill through drink on occasion, and is unable to even move without vomiting, can't even keep water down,often for several days. He weans himself slowly back on to alcohol until he is up to his usual amount.

I worry about the amount of alcohol my DIL drinks. As far as I know she is not an alcoholic, but what do I know?
As far as I can tell she is a normal, busy, happy, hard-working wife, mother and employee, who had a happy childhood, has lovely parents, lots of friends and a good marriage. Yes, she has some concerns over her teenage son, but which mother of a teenager doesn’t?
What I do know is that she socialises a lot with girl friends and with her husband and with other couples, and drinking is a major part of it. I also know that she often has to be helped or even carried up to bed after a night of heavy drinking.
I worry about the effect on her body, and I worry that she will drive the next morning with alcohol in her bloodstream. I also worry about the example. She is setting for her children.
Should I worry that she is also, or might become, an alcoholic? What makes someone an alcoholic?
I should add that I have said nothing to her about my concerns, but my son has mentioned it, as has his sister, my daughter.

If you do choose to see a counsellor make sure they are fully qualified and accredited with the BACP. From my experience counsellors can be unqualified, or just mental health nurses. A professional counsellor would never tell you to leave your husband, or fill you with guilt over your behaviour. Unfortunately counselling remains an unregulated field.

Anyone who thinks addiction isn’t a mental illness has obviously never lived with an addict. One of our sons has lived with us for nearly two years following his marriage break up due to his alcoholism. It has been the most stressful two years for him, us and the rest of our family. He has had two detoxes as an in-patient and we were cautiously optimistic after the last one. He even found a job but has now lost it as he started drinking again. He doesn’t know what triggered the last lapse and is trying hard to come off it again with little success. Has medication but currently if he doesn’t have a drink he hears voices and gets the shakes. He is an expert liar, and has stolen money from us on odd occasions to fund his drinking. He is 40 and I worry that he won’t see his children grow up. We are currently waiting for a date for him to do a residential rehab which I see as a last chance for him to recover. I know he wants to be well again but something in his mental make up appears to be preventing him from overcoming this horrible addiction.

Cabbie, I can suggest you look for bottles in their house , also empty bottles in the refuge bin, I know this sounds sneaky . She may be a binge drinker, drinks a lot in company but no thought of drinking alone, worrying I know

I've worked in addictions for years, here are my thoughts:

People don't set out to become addicted, but cross an invisible line after which the ability to choose is taken away and the social or enjoyable use becomes a compulsion.

Many people who become addicted have other mental health problems, or are trying to cope with unresolved emotional pain.

It's hugely complex and there is definitely no "one-size-fits-all".

Alcohol is a powerful drug.

Addiction is a great leveller and can affect anyone at any time.

It can take a long time to get well - sometimes that remains elusive, which is a tragedy.

Anyone who has to deal with addiction - the person with the problem as well as those around them - deserves support and understanding.

Grannyknot, thank you for your compassionate posting. I appreciate it.

Funnygran, residential rehab helped our DS and we had some support from his rehab counsellor too.

I thank whatever deity may or may not exist.... I do not have an addictive nature. And that is the way of it!!! Always try to be tolerant, we will never have to walk in their shoes!

Grannyknot , thank you x

AnnieBach: given the amount and content of posts you have made, this is clearly a heartbreaking issue for you. At no time in my post have I said that all addicts are rabid dogs, that is your interpretation. My brother who we lost was not a rabid dog either. To clarify this, I have witnessed human beings constantly and visciously attacking my staff who were trying to help them, extreme cases, I have seen humans laying on the floor fitting, frothing at the mouth, urinating and defacating ... yet we still attempted resuscitation when they stopped breathing putting ourselves at risk. So for you to say that “my attitude makes the fight against addiction more difficult”, that is then your ignorance of my experiences. The cases I have dealt with are very extreme and I have lost many sleepless nights after speaking to desolate, haunted parents who are beside them selves with grief. No one has the answers to this, all any of us can do is to continue to educate, and I have also done this in schools, and just hope that we get through to at least some, if not all. I do feel for your loss, I saw 1st hand how it affected my own parents, so I have dealt with it all from every angle.

No one says ' wheni grow up i want to be an alcoholic' it is a mental ilness FACT ! Of which the drinking of alcohol is a symptom of the illness. There is a brain chemical missing in the brain of an alcoholic .that is not missing in a non alcoholic. FACT. Abstinence is the way to stop the progression of the illness, which alcoholics anonymous has the best success rate. Even after stopping drinking the alcoholic becomes dry, but will still be an alcoholic till the day they die, though a sober one's as you can't replace the brain chemical that lack of causes the illness . Being sick and tired of being sick and tired is the only way to want to seek help. Ignorant people should either seek knowledge or not comment with such silly opinions. This is families lives we are talking about, and the pain that goes along with it.

Opinions are just that. Its a chat site. Its full of opinions. Not one on this thread has suggested that people aspire to become addicts. That's ridiculous.

so many judgemental folk on here ,just be grateful its not one of your family whose life has gone down the drain.As for it being "seperation anxiety" I've never heard such nonsense .My sister was loved and spoiled all her life until she married the low life that introduced her to his idea of a good night out and insisted that if she loved him she'd do what he said .At 19 she probably wasn't mature enough to marry but back in the day lots of girls did and it was the biggest mistake in her life.My family had all signed the pledge so alcohol wasn't around her while she was growing up and she had no idea what she was getting into .But lets just label her quizqueen and forget that she was a highly intelligent ,loving and kind young woman before her problem...because people with problems aren't worth help in the world YOU inhabit.How sad .

If alcoholics have a chemical missing in the brain is it there to begin with and gradually disappears or is it never there? I have not heard that before but my OH was in his 40s when he started to abuse alcohol - before then he was a social drinker who would have wine with a meal and the occasional whisky.
This reason was never put forward to me by any doctor. At his inquest the Coroner did say that the liver can send out a substance which instantly stops the heart but unless you witness this it is hard to be sure as the chemical dissipates.

Grannyknot thank you for your understanding post. I have personal experience of addiction to the point where I slept rough albeit for a very short time before I was found and taken to hospital. That was my rock bottom.

I don’t think I lack moral fibre. I suffer guilt knowing that I hurt people who love me but thankfully they recognised that I was trapped in a hellish nightmare which may have been of my own making but that I had little choice in the matter. Addiction has such a powerful hold on a person, it’s difficult to imagine if you’ve been fortunate enough to have never experienced it.

A day at a time I made it back. I’m eternally grateful for the love of my family and friends and to the wonderful counsellor who saved my life.

Someone I know describes himself as a "functioning alcoholic". His way of coping involves never drinking at home but going to the pub every night and drinking a great deal. This has gone on for most of his life and caused serious financial problems leading to the breakdown of his marriage.

He has in recent years started to tell quite viscous lies about other people and his family wonder whether he is delusional. He seems to actually believe his own lies as if repeating them enough times made them true. He is unwilling to recognise that he might have a mental health problem and so it isdifficult for anyone to help him.

baubles so happy re your recovery and for sharing, enjoy your life! ?

Coconut, you said you had seen human beings like rabid dogs, there are posters here who have lost love ones or have loved ones who have an addiction, you were describing someone's son,daughter, brother,sister,husband,wife , can you not accept is was a cruel description of people who were loved , they were human beings with the same emotions as you, who were loved by someone as I assume you are, so you helped some, sorry but the description of some by you, I can only hope you no longer work in this field.

AnnieBach: maybe you need to go and try and help others, it may in turn help you .....

Coconut, I don't need help, I have support here when my grief become difficult to cope with. If I did wotk with addicts I pray I would never, ever think of them as rabid dogs.

No more to say to you, sad that you still don't realise or still don't care that how you described some with addictions could cause distress to lovely people here.

Chrishappy. I am not aware a chemical is missing in the brain of an alcoholic as you state as FACT. Can you quote your source of information please.

AnnieBach.. I forgive your outbursts, hope you feel better

Hey, Annie hasn't had any outbursts! She simply was unhappy when you compared an addicted person to a rabid dog. All humans are precious. They are someone's son or daughter. We must never give up trying to help those folk for whom life is so hard and distressing.