AIBU to expect a gift?

The only two days of the year I like to be spoilt is my birthday and Christmas and my hubby is rubbish at both.

If it wasn't for my thoughtful dd my husband would forget/not bother and has always been rubbish at gifts (his family failing). My dd is great and notices/listens and always comes up with several small thoughtful gifts birthday/Christmas time (she gets that from me and me from my mum). One year I purchased myself something I had coveted for years and she took it gave to husband to give me as a gift along with the £s paid back. I got the gift but no £s so effectively bought it anyway. She did tell him off bit I'm still waiting. It is miserable bit I've decided if I like something now I'm just going to get it as after my 50th which passed him by unnoticed after I had gone to great expense for his that it was how things were going to be.

In both lean and prosperous times I was awakened with ' 'Happy birthday. I love you' and them a single rose would appear from beside the bed. All that was required ever. Remember the occasions with tender joy.

I think we are all different and its nice if our OH understands what we as individuals would like best - for some it will be a present, others an event and for people like me a birthday card and a big hug is all I really want - and even that can wait if one or other of us are away for work or whatever.

My friend's husband used to Christmas shop on pm of 24th Dec. They got divorced, and I genuinely think it was indicative of the way he felt about family life.

My husband and I always buy each other birthday presents and cards, he's better at buying presents than me. But we rarely buy each other Christmas presents, as we always wait until after Christmas then get something we both want and in the sale.

Buy yourself a big bunch of flowers as well

That is a great shame and I would be upset too. We stopped buying presents - just cards but, went out for a meal to celebrate. It was something we discussed though: it was not just imposed on the other party.
Would it help just to speak to him and say that you understand him not buying a gift as you are decluttering but that you would like to have your special dates acknowledged with a nice card and a little gift. You will do the same for him.
Men can be dense when it comes to recognising feelings. He probably does not even realise that he hurt you.

Well you know what to do when it's his birthday don't you?

I was my birthday on Tuesday and I would have been really upset if DH didn't even give me a card! We don't exchange expensive extravagant gifts now, but we always give each other something and always a lovely card. On Tuesday we went to a local beach where we could walk the dog, we had a nice coffee and sat by the sea eating ice creams. Before we left DH bought me a bag of candyfloss (which he knows I love) to take home. In the evening we went out for a meal at a local restaurant. I thoroughly enjoyed the day. On Sunday it will be our wedding anniversary (a special one), I have already given him my gift - a rose for the garden, and I will take him out for lunch at a new restaurant.

LyndaW I think you should definitely tell him how disappointed you are with his thoughtlessness and lack of imagination. He should know you well enough by now to choose suitable gifts. He's just being lazy!

My ex (11 years) always sends me cards on birthday, Christmas and Valentine's day and flowers and/or money into my bank to buy a gift. He's still single so not offending a current partner.
My OH gives cards which are sometimes e-cards if he's abroad on business. He's a clothes-a-holic so likes to take me shopping and on to dinner somewhere pre-booked.
On this year's birthday it was a dress, shoes and dinner at Clos Maggiore where he also gave me a tennis bracelet.
I don't think his first wife was treated to as many gifts so I tend to dress down when I meet her.

I would not cook him a meal and see what he had to say about that. He is taking you for granted and it is not a nice feeling. Let him see that. As my birthday on August bank holiday weekend every year I get the works, we are on holiday anyway, tea in bed, day out somewhere, meal out, birthday cake, cards and presents form dh, dc and family. If a birthday ending in 0 a party too.

I adore flowers and since I've been able to afford it I almost always have them all over the house. One of my lodgers noticed that I usually bought my own and made a point of buying me some and pointing it out to The Wonderful Man - it took a while, but eventually the penny dropped and now I'm often bought flowers for no special reason.
It's taken several years for him to notice that I never buy myself mixed bunches (garage flowers) and he's now taken to buying me the sort of flowers I prefer.

We still give each other presents, but have long since agreed not to exchange cards.

I think the real issue here is AGREEING about what you do.

I would be very hurt if DH suddenly decided without asking me that I didn't need anything.

To me a present is not necessarily something you need, but is either something you would like to have, or something the giver wants you to have.

Do try to discuss this with each other: being hurt and saying nothing won't solve the problem, and stopping buying anything for DH will either be taken to mean you agree not to give presents, or hurt him.

My DH is at a loss to know what I want (even if I tell him what I would like) he really needs a) to be reminded of the date of my birthday at the beginning of the month, because once we get to the actual day, at the end of the month, he has no, or not enough cash left, b) I have to convince him I really would like such-and-such, and if it is useful rather than pretty or valuable that it is quite all right for him to give me something I have asked for even if it is useful, and in his words "You could just go and buy it".

Does this sound familiar? Men seem to me to entirely miss the point that being given something instead of having to go out and buy it can be a treat in itself!

Its my birthday tomorrow so will see what happens!!

I came to terms with this ages ago, and now order the gift I would like and tell OH "look what you've got me" lol. but then he has got mild dementia and it's a practical solution. We have been happily wed for 53 years!

You are definitely not being unreasonable. It was my birthday yesterday and I had asked DH to get me tickets for a show which is on locally in OCTOBER. I had to buy them and sort it out myself. Yesterday morning there was no card and when I mentioned it he said 'I forgot'. Not surprising really as on my 60th there was nothing and he couldn't understand why I spent the day in tears.

It was a mutual decision when first married that we would put our money into our home. If we went out for a meal on our birthdays DH would always use our joint account. He always said it was difficult buying me a present as he was never sure unless he asked what I wanted which takes the surprise out of a present.
We did have our own accounts but it was never me Tarzan you Jane and we did buy each other gifts regardless of birthdays, Xmas or any other occasion as my job once the children were out of primary school involved travelling and if I saw something I knew he would like I bought it for him.

Well he came home this morning after a week working away and he had remembered it was our anniversary! Got flowers and a card and as we are going on holiday in a couple of weeks he put an IOU for a present in the card to be spent while we are away!

I'd have been upset too. Mind you My DH has made some real blunders in the past. I still remember the vacuum cleaner! I had a perfectly good one anyway.
I don't think he will be that daft again.
I do also have a garden full of bird tables of various sizes & designs as he went through a stage of buying those if he couldn't think of anything I'd like. I pointed out how much it costs to fill them all every day so that knocked that one on the head!
It's my birthday in a couple of weeks so I'm waiting to see what it will be this year. He really does well most of the time.

We always celebrate birthdays and anniversaries.Our 2 AD and GS always try to visit and sometimes join us for dinner at home or going out.Life should be celebrated because sometimes it can change unexpectedly beacause of illness which has happened recently in our case.Tell you DH how you feel and that it matters to you.Good luck.

Times change though, don’t they? My husband is an invalid now so can’t buy me cards and presents - it really upsets him. So on anniversaries, Valentine’s Day etc I buy a card “for Us” and on my recent birthday I bought myself flowers, telling him: “Look, how lovely the flowers you bought me!” It’s the thought - and the love - that counts...

Stella1949. Not a very nice comment! The difference being, you did not expect a gift as this is how you and your OH deal with birthdays! Your choice! Possibly LyndaW and her OH might agree to proceed similarly in future, or not, however it had not been discussed, and was an unpleasant surprise. I do not think she was ‘childish’ or unreasonable and I would be very upset in her position. I put a lot of thought into gifts I buy, (not necessarily meaning a lot of money though) and whilst my OH can be a little hit and miss I do know that his gifts are bought with love and thought which is what we all want in the end isn’t it?

I would just be straight with him and say that you are upset. He probably doesn't realise, so unless you tell him he won't know.

We all get to a stage in life where we find it hard to buy for someone. My DH always asks what I want, although he knows I'm always happy with flowers - garage bought or otherwise.

I've just had a birthday - I did get a card and a promise of 'will get you something later' - which I probably won't. I used to sulk but I don't anymore it just makes me feel down. I would like more romance and more effort but it seems most men aren't good at it. Ever now and then I do remind him that it's essential to make an effort for your other half - maybe do the same, it's easy to take each other for granted, we all need to feel special sometimes. And treat yourself to something nice - I'm going to?