tell me I'm not BU

Julieseizer I haven't read all the replies in detail so no doubt many will disagree with me. Firstly "That's probably ok" should be "That would be lovely mum ?". And then a follow up with date sorted saying Look forward to seeing you. And forgetting to answer as someone suggested!!. I would never have forgotten to answer my mum.
Todays children in general (not all) are much more self centred and unattached to their loving parents than we were. I am continually disappointed in mine and I do so much for them. And yes I do have a life of my own. But I love my children and care so much for them. Its too late when we are no longer here.

JuliaSeizer44 I totally agree with you hon. I struggle with this daily. For me it has nothing to do with not having a life. When we are very very close to our sons and then become the last person they have time for it is heartbreaking. We try so hard to act tough like it doesn’t bother us but it does. We still try to do things to make them happy. If you’d ask my son, he’d say everything is just fine! And it is. For him. I just hope he doesn’t regret it after I’m gone! Hang in there girl. I’ll be thinking of you.

Same thing happens to me it hurts .... I think young ones are so busy with work, sports for their kids, the families social life and outings as well as day to day chores they dont realise how pressured they are and anything extra just "does their heads in" I am happy to just be there with them I dont ask to be entertained and I would be happy to stay back if they had an outing I wasn't invited to, either on my own or with my grandsons. Try to put it down to them just being busy not that they dont care.

There are so many threads around this theme of parents, especially mothers, experiencing a range of painful emotions from totally rejected to ignored, unloved, not valued or rarely contacted. There are so many heartbreaking stories on GN but it seems that the fundamental issue for all of us is accepting that we are no longer central figures in our adult children's lives. And that is really hard to accept as we all know how completely our lives revolved around them from the day they were born. We loved them, cared for them, fed them and educated them while we juggled other responsibilities such as employment, households, finances and other family members. And suddenly one day our offspring are launched into the world and it's hello world, goodbye Mum. Job done.

Negotiating the new adult to adult relationships with our children and their partners and children is clearly a delicate and often painful process and we all do it differently and are working with different components. All we can do is the very best we can, cherish and nourish what we have and develop our own independent lives and interests. Maybe it's goodbye kids, hello world for us too.

I’m sorry that you are feeling hurt. It must be hard being so far away from your son. I have two daughters. One has from a young child been very independent. She has a family now and long periods pass when she will not be in touch. The other has always been more dependent on my husband and I. It’s rare we have no contact for more than a couple of days.

We have just arranged to see the independent one. The date is fixed for mid September! What really worries me is if I ever had to contact her in an emergency I would have a problem, no landline, phone switched off at times, no immediate reply to texts. Hope it never happens.

I think we have to accept our children as they are. Would be reluctant to be critical in case it makes things strained. You do have my sympathies, let’s hope you hear soon that it will be possible for you to visit.

Very sage words from Apricity. Thank you.

Yes, I can well understand feelings of rejection! My DIL decided to pay for the nanny to go to Spain with the grandchildren instead of me - I would have paid my way too!

When we are dead or beyond communication friends and family will grieve. Their grief will be even more acute if they also feel guilt.

I try now to visit and see those I love and cherish and I communicate to them how I feel about them.

I tell my son how proud I am of him etc. If I wanted to see him more I would tell him and I would also try to tell him the above so he understands it is about now and that I am old and not immortal.

I clearly remember what a drag it was to visit my parents when I was a young mother. I worked full time, had two children who played sports several times each week as well as training nights, and a husband who worked away a lot. Then in the middle of it all, my mother would ring and say "when are you coming to see us ?".

I must admit that I would have been happy to be able to text her and get some breathing space.

I guess that sometimes we forget that as grandparents we are not front and centre of our children's lives any more. Your son might have all sorts of problems going on, and contacting his mum may not be at the centre of his thoughts.

I agree with Stella - how did you feel as a young mum yourself? Did you really think about whether you might be hurting your parents' feelings when you were, perhaps, less than enthusiastic in a letter/phone call? It is hurtful, but understandable I think.

Occasionally we missed a Sunday visit but not often. I loved when she came to visit. I wish I had told her more how much she meant to me instead of assuming she knew. Mothers are precious, to be cherished always. Being busy wirh other things is no excuse.

JuliaSeizer44 Sorry! It must be driving you bonkers that we haven't caught up with your second message saying your son was at home when you texted him and as you said you are
just so disappointed that my sons never seem to want to see me, and I never say anything about it,
That puts such a different light on the matter!
I can only say that you are not alone. I have 3 daughters and they do not communicate with me by any means except very occasionally. I have learned not to phone them as I get short-shrift because it never seems convenient. I have decided I have to forget them to a large extent and make my life with my own friends. However I did find it impossible at the Church I attended where people all had their families living in the same town and were constantly going on about the wonderful relationship they all had with their children and grandchildren. It was impossible for me at times like Christmas so I left and go elsewhere and have not really settled anywhere.

I feel deeply for you and I would like to come up with a great idea that would make them see you a lot but it just isn't very likely. I suggest you try and comfort yourself that you gave them a good childhood and now they are safe and independent and doing well all because of the good start you gave them. Many people have adult children with problems such as drugs, unemployment, difficult divorces and so on, but your children are doing well. Congratulate yourself for that.

luzdoh good advice. I think that's the best approach.

I suppose it was ever thus, which is why it is one of the ten commandments to honour thy father and mother.
These offspring may not have time to visit but they will have the time to collect the inheritance.

totally agree loopyloo. There is so much talk nowadays about inheritance. But don't ask them to care before. And yes I know it doesn't apply to everyone but from what I hear from friends and acquaintances if does to a lot! I know people who have been told.Dont wory ab6 the attic. we'll have someone in to clear it. Not going to nostalgically go through things then! Maybe it's practical but do they have to tell us!

Julia that message from your son sounds just like the sort of thing my son writes! I try not to take it to heart - he can be very curt in messages but is fine when I see him. I tend to arrange visits directly with DiL - in fact he usually says 'Ask xxx' so I do and get a better response from her. If doesn't mean anything (in my case at least) except that he is busy and can't be bothered to deal with social arrangements.

Mother visiting is not jusf another "social arrangement".
Sorry, I feel very strongly about this.

Thank you SO much for all your responses. Just to clarify...despite my advanced age, I'm still working full-time, in a challenging profession, so have plenty to think about! Especially as I also have to be there for my very elderly mother, who has been vicious and demanding of me all my life. I always had a particularly strong bond with my DS1, which is what makes his impersonal responses that much more sad. He still has not responded, so I have booked to visit my daughter, who lives abroad, later in the year instead. She at least is so excited that I'm coming to visit!

My sons are also very different. The eldest lives 2 hours away and although we don't see them often - he was here overnight on Monday having brought his car up for a repair so that was a lovely surprise - if I message him or my DIL or GD they always respond within a few hours and we have a phone call every few weeks to catch up. The youngest lives in NZ and rarely responds to messages from any of us. I know how hard he works though so do understand the lack of communication to some extent and they have 2 small children so believe it's right he spends what time he can with them - he wasn't a lot better when he lived in the UK before the children though!

I think back to our own parents - mine lived round the corner and mum rang me nearly every day - I would call in on the way past for a cuppa and a chat or they would wander round here. My in-laws lived an hour away and we visited when we could but if we hadn't spoken in a couple of weeks my FIL would ring up and say to my husband your mum said I have to ring you We miss them now they're gone.

We raise our children to be independent adults then feel sad when we realise we've become surplus to requirements in some ways.

I suspect some of it may stem from mismatched expectations. I think back in the day it was more common that people lived close to family. Mums didn't work and dads only worked 9 to 5 Monday to Friday. There wasn't as much of an expectation for dads to be involved with childrearing. Evenings were family time and then grandparents were visited on the weekends.

Today it's more common for both parents to work. Children are involved in more evening activities. Some parents are divorced so the children don't spend every weekend with them. Weekends become family time. Some parents have to work weekends. People live farther from their families so it takes longer to get there. This means there's less time available for spending with extended relatives.

I think checking with wife before confirming your visit's ok sound like common sense.

11 days later, and another message sent-this time suggesting I come up to visit for his birthday, stay in a hotel, shout them to a posh dinner and babysit while they have a date night. No reply.

Well that's really taking the pee Julia time for a frank exchange of views as they say.

Why not phone, as opposed to texting, Julia? Or do the never pick up?

they

Julie, I thought that your son simply takes it for granted that you are always welcome. So it's not that you are not welcome, it's that they may be unable to keep you company as much as perhaps you would like.

People cannot always spare the time to sit and talk, have set meal times, or do special things such as some visitors expect.