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AIBU

To find the use of 'passed' instead of died irritating?

(213 Posts)
PECS Thu 02-Aug-18 15:55:49

I see the use of passed or passing in place of died or death is increasing. I find it an odd turn of phrase and quite irritating. I wondered when we became so afraid to use death / died/ dead?

Grandma70s Thu 02-Aug-18 20:21:48

Agreed, annsixty. It’s particularly important not to use euphemisms with young children, who could be confused by them.

PECS Thu 02-Aug-18 22:14:54

A bit of levity about euphemisms. I worked with a child once, his family were naturists, but for an otherwise uninhibited family it seems they were coy about bodily functions. Instead of teaching the child to ask to go to the toilet /have a poo he announced he needed 'to think'. That's OK, I said, Just sit there quietly and have a think ! shock

grannyqueenie Thu 02-Aug-18 22:22:24

Thanks for that link grannyA, there are so few opportunities that allow us to talk about death openly and I do think we are the poorer for it. We’re all different and grieve in the way that seems best to each of us and so much of that is due to what we’ve seen/experienced as we grew up. In my book anything that helps us manage bereavement in our own lives or the lives of those we know can only be a positive thing.

PageTurner Thu 02-Aug-18 22:26:16

I prefer saying "passed" or "passed away". "Died" seems so harsh. Passed, to me, means passing to the other side, because I do believe in an afterlife.

Much better than the phrase "kicked the bucket", which I heard many times when I was a child?

rascal Thu 02-Aug-18 23:22:39

Yes it irritates me no end. In fact my son sent me an email and he used passed away rather than dead. I replied: no one passes away to anywhere, they die and it's final. confused

FlexibleFriend Thu 02-Aug-18 23:31:44

No I think people use the words they are comfortable with and I don't get why it bothers anyone else either but each to their own.

MawBroon Thu 02-Aug-18 23:37:54

I think that if you are using the term about your own loss, what you say is entirely up to you.
To somebody else I would err on the side of euphemism and mine of choice is “lost”
I speak of “losing” my DH last year and in a card or letter I would write “I am so sorry you have lost X”
And actually I do think of DH “passing away - he slipped so silently and peacefully we did not realise for a few seconds that his heart had stopped.
But each to their own. However it is paramount to respect the feelings of the bereaved.

gillybob Thu 02-Aug-18 23:41:49

I have used “died” and “passed away” to describe the loss of 2 people I loved very much. It depends who I am talking to and what I am saying really.

Elrel Fri 03-Aug-18 00:30:22

When I worked in a care home one morning we couldn’t wake a 99 year old resident. The local doctor was called, arrived, mentioned that he’d stopped to have his breakfast, and was shown into the resident’s room.
I’d been sitting at her bedside and told him she had a weak pulse and still hadn’t awakened. He was shocked and apologetic for having had breakfast. He’d assumed that the person who phoned for him had said that we couldn’t wake her but meant that she had died.
Happily she lived for over a year more and enjoyed her hundredth birthday!

Synonymous Fri 03-Aug-18 00:59:15

Euphemisms can be very misleading. A friend was told by the nurse who was on duty the night that her husband died, "John has left his overcoat behind". I am not certain how I would have reacted to that one.

Worthingpatchworker Fri 03-Aug-18 09:47:44

Interesting isn't it......when I did a stint in the NHS they would refer to died as R.I.P.
In the police we used the number of the form we used....but to be fair we didn't always know if the died or were killed. !!

Theoddbird Fri 03-Aug-18 09:51:28

I remember the term 'passed away' years ago when I was young. Passing seems to be a term Americans use. I work on an American facility and hear this word used a lot. I tend to say their soul has flown as I am spiritual but not religious.

HannahLoisLuke Fri 03-Aug-18 09:51:49

In Nigeria they say " He/she has completed his/her assignment"

felice Fri 03-Aug-18 09:57:22

My Mother died 3 weeks ago and SIL told DGS, who had never met her but saw plenty of photos etc, that Great-gran had gone to live on the Moon. Now he keeps asking if I am going to the Moon, not quite sure how to awnser him at the moment.

Oldwoman70 Fri 03-Aug-18 10:03:12

I think you have to be guided by the person who has been bereaved. I always say DH died, but a friend can't bring herself to use the word in connection with her own DH's death and says he has passed away.

Mapleleaf Fri 03-Aug-18 10:11:52

Indeed, it is down to personal preference, and some phrases may give more comfort to a person than others. I suppose to say someone has died can seem so harsh and final. I just find it strange to hear it said by newsreaders when they are reporting the death of someone. (Celebrity or not).

Anniebach Fri 03-Aug-18 10:14:51

I think fear of death is now stronger because faith has faded .
I have been translating epitaphs etc on very old tomb stones from Welsh to English , there is grief and comfort, they speak of the death and the assurance of the deceased being with God .

jenpax Fri 03-Aug-18 10:16:43

I must admit I use died when referring to my lovely parents. For me no matter what word I use, it comes to the same thing, two people who loved me and whom I loved and are no longer alive.
Grannygravy31 I know what you mean. Your parents are often those who will always have your best interests first and make you a priority, once they are gone you may never be in that special position again.
Mine are very much missed every day, especially as I am an only child and so were they, so no aunts, uncles or cousins?

henetha Fri 03-Aug-18 10:19:23

In a time of great sadness and loss, surely we can use whatever words make us feel better. Each to his own.

Agus Fri 03-Aug-18 10:22:26

I use the terms died and dead when I refer to loved ones who have died.

Unlike euphemisms, lost or passed, the term died helps me accept the finality that my loved ones are no longer with me.

No matter to me what terms others choose to use and I empathise with their sadness and it’s not the time to be pedantic I feel.

Cherrytree59 Fri 03-Aug-18 10:22:52

I agree with Annie
When some 'dies' it is personal only to those closest, so it is their choice on how they wish to express and deal with it.
For my little grandchildren who very young at the moment we say they have died and gone to Heaven and are now with other family (or pets).

GabriellaG Fri 03-Aug-18 10:23:30

Hmm hmm I too think that it's quite irritating to use the words 'passed/passing'.
I prefer to say death or died. It's like saying 'The big C' instead of cancer, although I hear the latter word used more nowadays. The 'stigma' is fading.

Barmeyoldbat Fri 03-Aug-18 10:27:39

Its what ever you feel comfortable with but saying that my friend who I hadn't seen for a few months phoned to say they had lost mum, now mum had dementia, so I am afraid to say I got the wrong end of the stick. enough said

notgoneyet Fri 03-Aug-18 10:31:34

With you there BlueBelle! I have no idea why I find 'passed' etc etc so irritating, but I do. I make a point of saying 'my sister died'. And as for the headstones...... well, morbid though it may sound, my daughter and I actually enjoy going round some of the very old cemeteries in London and we never fail to say something along the lines of "ooh look, another one who fell asleep; do you think they all wake up in the night & chat to each other?" Irreverent, I know but not meant to be....

hicaz46 Fri 03-Aug-18 10:32:44

I too am irritated by the use of passed or passed away. Although many of us perhaps fear death it is unfortunately inevitable and we will all be dead, having died. Where do these people ‘pass’ to. For those of us who are atheists we do not believe we pass to anywhere.