MIL painted my house whilst I was in hospital

I have a neighbour who thinks this is normal,she regularly redecorats her AC's houses ,books gardeners for them and plants up hanging baskets that match her own,she also collects their washing and irons it and even strips their beds

.When her SIL put on some weight she took him to weightwatchers and checked the contents of cupboards and fridges to make sure he wouldn't put it back on!Her daughter just lets her get on with it because she pays for everything she has done.My AC would have a fit if I did any of those things as I would have if my mum had invaded my space .Tell your MIL not to cross the line again ,if she's desperate to paint someones kitchen there are elderly folk always needing volunteers for jobs to be done

Hands up I have decorated my eldest sons flat while he was on holiday but he knew about it in advance and let me choose the colours because he claims I have better taste than him. Not to mention he hates painting and had lived there years with the previous owners magnolia walls. % years later he hasn't touched any of it but I have redone the bathroom walls as they needed it. He just says thanks how much do I owe you.
Not quite the same thing though is it?

that should read 5 years lol

No, you are not being unreasonable at all. I would have been so furious that I would have given my mother or mother -in-law a rocket and probably spoiled all family relationships from that moment on.

What you do about it depends on a few things:

Whether you can just shrug it off,
Can you get your DH to understand that you think he should have stopped his mother
What your relationship with your MIL is like and what you want it to be like.

I would be inclined to tell her in your DH's presence that you realised she meant it kindly and thought you would be thrilled, but you regard it as quite insufferable meddling in your home and you do not want anything similar to happen again.

Likewise point out that any adult who can neglect to feed three children for six hours deserves to be shot and will certainly never be allowed (yes, I did say allowed) to look after your children again.

Apparently, your DH is so old-fashioned that he leaves all cooking and child-care to you. Tell him this has to change. You're expecting and in and out of hospital due to complications, so he needs to grow up and look after the three children you already have.

Of course, if you say any or all of this there will be one almighty row, so perhaps you would rather just put up with things the way they are. If so, find a competent woman who will and can look after the children if you have to be away at any time and who will not meddle with what does not concern her.

I got the six hours from asking DH when they had lunch and then pointing out it was now six hours later and they had still not, according to him, had anything to eat.

So, I got that off him, I have to go by that. I think that’s much too long at their age and not what they are used to.

The pair of them are also exhausted as he has refused to let them nap “so they will go to bed early”. Except need I say, that hasn’t worked and they are just really tired...

I know everyone parents in their own way and I am honestly not precious about that, but food and sleep are pretty non negotiable needs.

Ive just returned from a weekend of lokking after my GC. Having been up since 05.30 on both days; entertained them; done sewing lessons with the eldest whilst reading stories to the youngest; run around them at the swing park both days; fed them; done "manicures and hairstyles", bathed them; sorted out squabbles and tantrums and all the 24/7 bumph that comes with young children, I'm truly in awe of how your MIL had the energy or the time to pain her toe nails, let alone your kitchen. I'm on my knees with utter exhaustion. IMO, if she's done a brilliant job of the painting; she's neglected the children. If the walls look a mess; the kids were ok. Can't be both.

See! I'm so exhausted that I can't even spell "looking"!

Since she likes painting when you get home (soon I hope) get a tin of your choice of paint for her to re-do the kitchen and also one for the girls' room that you want done and leave her to get on with it!!

WT....

Wrong in so many ways. Who in their right mind wants to cause so much disruption when it's so unnecessary ???

To paint inside cupboards they'd have to be emptied (I know you said unpacking wasn't finished but still ...) those things have to go somewhere and stay there until the paint dries.

Where in a household that's just getting over a move would you put things. Who wants that much chaos ??? Clearly your MIL and your H and FIL stood back and let her. Really. Just Really.

How would this ever help children feel settled?

Let alone the lack of consideration for their meals there is just no thought about their need for some stability and nurturing. Seems to me - and I stress 'seems' that all the attention was on her and her agenda not the children. Every colour of wrong and a new one.

What a a lot of disruption for your children to deal with on top of you being in hospital and having just moved.

I'd be having a think about some longer term issues that need dealing with.

Clearly not now as you have too many important things to deal with in the immediate future.

Not least keeping your health as stable as possible, getting your children fully through the move, their loss of you while you have been in hospital and then the new baby on their arrival into the home you will all share.

I feel sad for you that this has happened but I am glad that you are able to let go of the mess your MIL has created in your kitchen.

Right now take care of your health, get back home, get your family settled into your home, sort out decorating as and when. Those are big asks of anyone and with a new baby too so I wish you lots and lots of luck.

Then when you have the time and head space you may want to address your husbands real lack of clarity around his priorities, who really needs taking care of and who's feelings he is protecting and at what cost.

As for you MIL I am so very tempted to say some outrageous things and suggest some very non PC options so all I will say is your have my sincere sympathy.

Wishing you the very best of outcome along with a plea for you to take care of yourself as much as possible for your own sake as well as for your children.

It is a big deal.What a nerve, hopefully she prepped the walls before painting so that all you have to do is paint over. Some people just do not recognise boundaries.

Oh blimey muffin. Weird was my first reaction. After giving it some thought it’s still weird. I would suggest there will have to be some boundaries imposed and a very clear chat with your husband but not to the detriment of your blood pressure. Wishing you well. Look after yourself.

I would be spitting blood in these circumstances. Your DM has absolutely no right to do anything to your house anywhere without your express consent and agreement.

She is clearly a woman who does not know where the boundaries are. Nor does your DH. As for decorating when she is meant to be undertaking childcare and neglecting the children......... words fail me.

Personally I would ban her from the house until she had given me written assurances that she would never ever do anything in the your house that you had not expressly requested and I would never ever ask her to undertake childcare again.

As for what I would be saying to DH

Is your MIL slightly deranged ?

When I left my parents with our DS (which was only occasionally) I used to write out a schedule and timetable, which I know was a bit over the top but you might like to do it for you DH and MIL.

About 65 years ago I went on holiday with my sister and parents. When we got back we found our weekly cleaner had painted the kitchen green it was hideous !

Good quality units - only a year old!
Reasonably easy to paint the walls when you choose to cover up the magnolia but not at all easy to shift gloss paint inside the units! Kicks up the a* for both DH and MiL!

one word boundaries

This is the husband who took your newborn off to see his mum leaving you alone in hospital isn't it? The one you plan to divorce when the kids are 18? If so that really explains who is being unreasonable and who isn't and me thinks it's certainly not you.

You are definitely NBU. MiL's behaviour is unforgivable imo and I'd be letting her have both barrels even if it damaged family relationships for the next several decades.

The only small comfort may be that your daughters probably wouldn't have felt like eating a lot with the kitchen stinking of gloss paint.

flexiblefriend excepting that on GN we only ever hear one side of the story.

Audi alterem partem and all that.

Grannyknot, how about sharing with us all your fantasy of the other side of the story?

oldbatty I don't want to, but thanks for asking.

Maybe the person you need to take to task is your husband.

As you pointed out he knew your plans, he is the children's father.

He could/should have said no to the painting. He could /should have fed the children.

It’s husband’s part in this that astounds me! What was he doing while the mother wielded her unasked for paint brushes and while the little ones went unfed?
Is he a bit weedy or just as silly as his mother?

You have a serious DH problem.
The issue with the MIL is minor in comparison.

Any paint left over?
Paint HER kitchen while she's out.

Great idea cavewoman and in horrible colours too.

I can't understand Muffin's husband's role in all this either, beggars belief. Time to set boundaries all round I think.