AIBU for being angry?

Oh dear. You are pretty much caught between a rock and a hard place. Afraid i don't have any helpful advice other than to start putting yourself first as and when you can. If you can get her sorted in the morning, leave a lunch for your DH to give her then take off for a few hours. And don't let your husband browbeat you. Good luck.

You say you can't cope with the aftermath of making a statement at the hospital.
When I had my first angina attack I was in a supermarket and couldn't manage to move or speak, so I lay down on the floor assuming help would materialise. It did.
Just a thought.

RUN!!

Dont lose hope ImpBlonde. Your situation is intolerable, but it sounds to me as if you have become locked into an emotionally manipulative relationship, and they are very hard to escape. There is something called covert narcissism which I am very familiar with and it could be that you are dealing with one (or more) covert narcissists. They work on those nearest to them over a long period of time, cutting them off from other friends and family and manipulating them into abusive relationships. Perfectly competent people can be drawn into these, so please dont put yourself down because of your situation. CNs look for the nicest people in the world to manipulate. They have a personality disorder which they themselves cannot control. You can find videos on You Tube explaining the condition. I have personal experience and can vouch for the fact that CNs are charming, clever, apparently caring - at least initially - and work in subtle ways. It can take some time to disentangle yourself from their brainwashing, but just being aware of it and how these things work is an excellent first step.

How can the OP afford to take a break away if they can't afford a bed for the lounge? Places to stay and travel costs money. I am sure the other family and friends have washed their hands of her MIL.

My suggestion would be that they try to find a single bed for the lounge for the MIL to sleep in and move back to their bedroom with their own TV etc so they have their own space. If the partner won't consider this then at least you know your needs are not very important to him.

Yes, Suedomin you are right, I think you have been programmed by your MIL and her son. Don't take her orders or respond to her rants. She is never going to want to change or move to a Home while you make life so good for her. This reminds me of those programmes you see of very obese people who can't get out of bed but continue to gain weight and you know there must be someone they control in the home who is brings in food for them and we can't understand why they would do that. Control is vey complex.

You don't tell us if you have any social life, are there any clubs or weekly coffee mornings you could attend that would get you out and give you others to talk to. Are you at home 24/7 apart from shopping etc.

I feel for you. Remember you have nothing to be guilty about. They should feel guilty about their behavior and how they are treating you, which they don't.

Oh ImpossibleBlonde I feel for you, so much
First of all, I'm not surprised that your husband is the way he is when he was, presumably, brought up by this woman.
Just a few thoughts - you say if you leave, you will have no friends - do you have any now who are really there for you and helping your dreadful situation? Likewise for social life etc.
If you can even start to get some life for yourself, you can eventually make proper friends of your own and a social life too - there are plenty of opportunities unless you live in the back of beyond.
But what you need first of all is a rest. Please see your GP as a first step and try to get some respite.
It seems to me that your husband and his mother have managed to convince you that your only worth is through serving them. This is obviously not true - not for anyone - but if you cannot see it, don't blame yourself. You are not getting enough sleep, time for yourself (yes, there is such a thing and you are allowed it!) or support (which we all need, especially in such stressful circumstances).
I don't think anyone would expect you to just walk out, with nowhere to go, but what will happen to your mil if /when you are hospitalised?
Leaving or even changing things is massive, I know, so try to break it down into small steps.
What can you do first? What will help?

This is appalling! No way should it continue. I agree with the suggestions above from Beejo. Small steps, but your life must change.
Good luck.

My first thought on the sleeping arrangements would be to get a cot and keep her in it with the sides up and have your own bed back! Seriously you need restorative sleep and you are not getting it which is not helping you cope. As far as I'm aware you can talk to Womens Aid without actually leaving, if you do want to leave they can give you advice on how to do that. Does your husband work? Are you able to use a phone in private? You can tell a doctor at the hospital how you are feeling out of her earshot, just telling someone as you have told us is a start and I feel this is going to be a slow process but each step will give you more strength and determination to get out.

ImpossibleBlonde, I feel so much for you - I have been in a similar marriage (though not as extreme) - both husband and MiL similar to yours, and after a couple of years I thought, I have to get out of this, or I won't be able to - I was lucky.
If it's difficult to see your GP, please email him - you can copy/paste some of what you have written here; I'm sure he/she will be very concerned.

Impossibleblonde thank you for sorting out the name issue.

Wrt your situation - have you contacted Women's Aid? An abusive relationship does not need to include physical violence as their website makes clear.
www.womensaid.org.uk and www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/

Please contact them and have a chat. I know two people who have used them and WA have been enormously helpful. Both friends' lives have since changed unrecognisably for the better, with help from WA.

Best wishes to you.

I feel sorry for the situation you find yourself in, but you have your own health to think of here as well. If your MiL is too ill and frail to look after herself and refuses to have carers in, then it does seem that residential care needs to be considered. No-one really likes the thought of it but what are the other options. You have really become her personal carer doing so much for her, and sleeping on an airbed at the expense of your own health. Time to put your foot down and say ...enough is enough.
As for your husband not liking you to see male doctors/consultants ...I am lost for words.
This time last year when I was diagnosed with cancer, back and forth to the hospital the majority of appts I had were with male consultants, radiographers etc. I was just glad that they were there to give me life saving treatment and so was my husband. Even our local GPs surgery we can never guarantee to see our own named doctor and now we have joined forces with three other surgeries in the town who you see is anyone's guess male or female. Sorry to sound unsympathetic on this issue, but I think your husband is very unreasonable over this, your own health is equally important as anyone else. Take care, I really hope hope your situation can somehow be resolved.

Just a thought Impossibleblonde could you take yourself off to your MIL’s place for a few days rest without your partner being aware of where you were? This might give you a chance to sleep a bit more comfortably and to give you space to think about things. If your husband doesn’t work he will be there to look after his mother and if he does, he’ll have to arrange something else. You must look after yourself as it seems no one else will.

There are so many issues here that it's impossible to address them in a forum like this.
You are a victim of mental abuse, possibly physical abuse as well. You need to try and remove yourself from this situation as soon as possible. You mention that you realise that you've been 'programmed' and that you are being manipulated, plus you've opened up on this forum. Those are important first steps to regaining your freedom.
Can you try to leave the house for an hour or two, go for a coffee with a friend, visit the library or hairdressers? Speak to Social Services and your doctor about your health, your concerns for your MIL and how you feel. Try talking to your husband in a calm neutral manner, (if he is approachable) about your health and your concerns for his mother.
Whatever you do, don't put yourself in a worse position than you are now. If violence is involved, get out, take your clothes and personal items and leave. There are refuges that will help you.
If you decide to stay, please look after yourself and make you and your health a priority.
Ýes, it's easy for us to say, leave, stand up for yourself, it's wrong etc but some of us have been in similar situations, understand where you are, and have come through. It is a very, very hard decision to walk away, I did it with my family. It was the hardest and the best thing I ever did.
Stay strong and stay true to yourself.

Suedomin While you continue to give others will take
Life is give and take and very clear in your situation who is doing all the 'giving'.This is the 21c not the dark ages ,me Tarzan you Jane, so look after yourself and get back to your doctor, male or female, no one says because you are a female you can only be examined by a female. You are being controlled and it is up to you to put a stop to it .Get help before it gets completely out of your control.

This man is a control freak. The mother treats you like a slave. She is not your respobsibility but that of your son. If you can, get out of the relationships, put the old lady in a home where she can be cared for by professionals, but maybe you live in her house, then it's a matter of getting out.

Are you and your partner actually married? If not she is not your Mother In Law. You have no responsibility for her whatsoever. Your partner and his mum are TOTALLY AND UTERLY SELFISH. You have to be a bit more selfish and take care of yourself. Good Luck xx

Stop reading gransnet. Go to your wardrobe, pack a bag and walk out of the house. Stay with a friend or another relative. You have choices. If you don’t want to be in the situation you’ve found yourself in (let’s face it who would?) you need to do something about it. You are an adult and you have the power to change things for the better. The worst thing about all this is your partners behaviour over seeing a male Doctor. Good luck

Jzpap - I agree. If no friend or relative possible - Premier Inn or whatever - for 4 days minimum. For you - a rest and some thinking time. For them - chance to think about how they are treating you and what they want for the future. (Just an aside - is he allowed to see a lady doctor?). Do not go home and carry on with renewed energy as if nothing was wrong. As it is clear nobody is putting you and your health/feelings/ etc first - YOU have to do it. As you say you can't go on like this. There is no real alternative is there - you are already finding its having an effect on your health. On a more cheerful tack - I had something like this years ago. Afterwards, I wished I'd been louder sooner - husband meant no harm just had not noticed how far round the bend I was with strain. Now is helpful and considerate - feels rather odd to be treated kindly. People can and do learn even late in life.

To those who say, just walk out - it's not that simple. I asked earlier, who does the house belong to? It sounds as if the MiL has her own house elsewhere.
Also - maybe I'm old fashioned but I always ask to see a female doctor for anything 'intimate'.

I think your partner AND his mother need psychological help.and i have to ask- when he takes her to appts- is SHE 'allowed' to see male drs,or is that rule only for you?

I think that I would start with telling your husband that you are not going to do anything more for your MIL than helping her to dress. It is understandable that she won't let her son help with that but you have listed a lot more than that.
It sounds to me that you are being bullied. Your husband should have been concerned about what the scan revealed, not who gave you the information.
There comes a time when you have to put your own health first and you could use that as an excuse (not that you should need to) to cut down on what you do for your MIL. If she or your husband objects, tell them that you will have to contact adult social services (it might be an idea to do that anyway).
It is very difficult when you are one against two but hopefully you will find the strength to stand up to them. Good luck.

I absolutely agree with the previous posts. You are being mercilessly bullied it seems by both your partner and MIL. You must look to your own health and well being. I am sorry that you find yourself in such an awful and difficult situation but you must try and stand up for yourself. ?

My last comment sounds as if you should help her dress. I meant that if you feel that you have to, stopping altogether would be better if you can. People will take advantage if they can.

It wouldn't matter to me if it was a witch doctor. I couldn't/wouldn't be responsible watching someone fading away before my eyes. It's not human.

Tell your partner he must take over the care role (other than the dressing) or tell your MiL to sort out private carers/caterers using her own finances (she's getting lodgings and use of your facilities free). She may need to rent out her own property, if necessary, and then take yourself off to family or friends to recuperate for a while to decide what you want for the future.