AIBU for being angry?

Whilst she is sleeping in your bed, go to her house and sleep. Then stay there until they sort it out, it doesn’t sound as though you are married? Let them sort it out between them. If they want you back lay down some rules, you know what you need to do and if you don’t help yourself nobody else can. You have to be strong.

I remember a female doctor in a practice I was registered with announcing very biblically one day that she was gay. She was married to a male doctor in the practice and had 2 children. The women were in upraw about it as she had examined then. A doctor is a doctor and anyway all surgeries offer a chaperone if you have to be examined. Anyway I think you need to get away from these horrible controlling people. Your health comes first....

I know how difficult it is to make that big step - walking away. Practice with little steps of saying NO by saying: Today I don’t feel well enough to cook a meal. “DH could you please cook or buy a ready meal/take away. “. The next day you are not able to take her to the hospital because you are not feeling well. Every day there is at least one daily chore you can’t do leaving it to DH to sort. Next week there will be two chores/duties you delegate and the following week you take off a half day and take yourself to bed or the doctor or some help you seek. Whittle it slowly down to 50% leaving 50% to your DH. If you should collapse tomorrow and admitted to hospital your DH would either have to step up his part in caring or get someone in to help. It is just that you are the cheapest and most convenient servant. NOONE is irreplaceable. Life always goes on.

The phrase to use is: “I am unable to do this today. I am feeling unwell.”

I am so sorry for what you're going through. What you describe amounts to 'indentured slavery'. Cultural behavior or not, your partner is not doing right by you or his mother ...and he certainly doesn't have the right to force you into doing anything you don't want to do.

Both you and your MIL need more help and resources than one person alone can provide...her health is in danger too.

Consider contacting a Social Worker at the hospital and telling her/him everything you've just told us.

Oh Impossibleblonde, what a horrible time you are having. But you are not the first and unfortunately you will not be the last abused woman who is left friendless. That is something nearly all abusive men have in common, they set out to separate their victim from their friends and family so that, like you, when the victim want to leave, they have nowhere to go.

Enrol in the Freedom Programme . It can be done online, but there should be a course near you and that would be even better.

ImpossibleB Having read your comment regarding only being allowed to see a female doctor, plus the other controlling behaviours of your partner, may I suggest that you look this up: Pathological jealousy, also known as Morbid jealousy, Othello syndrome or delusional jealousy

ImpossibleBlonde Your dilemma is unforgiveable. You are being abused in the most obnoxious fashion by two individuals who have as good as groomed you, and will continue to take advantage of you for as long as they believe they have a right to subject you to a very sad and lonely life. I feel like crying out - ENOUGH! - on your behalf. You deserve to live your life on your terms. You have made the crucial first step. You have shared your distress with Gransnetters who have given you sound advice. Surely the time is right for you to take another important step. Go to your doctor, (you do NOT need permission) and tell him/her all that you have shared with us. If I could hug you, I most certainly would.

Do you have any friends? ( I mean that kindly)

Ok, so I changed my name because of the confusion. I am sorry about the name, I thought I was being a bit clever with the pseudonym thing. Of course it blew up in my face like every little thing I try to do.
No, it's not your fault ImpossibleB - if you're new you wouldn't know that your name was nearly the same as another poster's. It should be flagged up when you choose a name, but perhaps it was just different enough for the algorithm not to work.

It is very useful and convenient for them both that you re there and willing to take such care of your partner's mother.

However, your own health is your priority; if you have been manipulated then you will have to learn to start thinking about yourself and for yourself. No-one is going to do it for you.

Decide what you want to do in the long-term and start making plans quietly.

Good luck.

First of all well done for changing your name
Sorry for these next questions but they are important
Are you married?
Do you love this man ?
Whose house is it?
Do you have family or friends you can confide in ?

You have to accept you are in a very abusive relationship You cannot continue and your mother in law at 3.5 stone needs hospitalising as soon as possible in my opinion
You won’t lose any friends by leaving as you say they are all his and they don’t bother with you anyway
You say if you leave it ll just be four walls and lonliness but it will be freedom, rest, and a chance to make a life and friends of your own
I think you need a) to see the doctor, you are so depressed and oppressed and b) take a complete break for a few days to clear your head and work out the next move
We are your virtual friends for now, you will make real friends too given a chance You sound a really nice lady look how you handled the name change thing you acted immediately and positively
Please look after you now, you are worth it

Sorry if you think this is blunt, but f8bd somewhere t9 live, quietly, packup and move on. You’re be8ng used and abused! D9 you really want this situation to go on!

I’d be long gone! Your mil is an 7ngrateful s...t stirring insensible selfish c...w.

Do it! Just get out before you bed u0 with a stroke o4 heart attack.

You mention that your MIL still has her own house - for the sake of your health, could you sleep there some of the time? It would also keep the house aired and ready for her return if that did become possible in the future.
Secondly, is there a local carers group that you could join? It might be useful to discuss your situation with others in the same boat.

What a traitorous You need to look after number one now, Sue. You can continue to 'suck it up' and they will continue to use you. Speaking up for yourself is not enough, nothing will change. You have to refuse to look after her any more and stick to it.

I'm with Luckygirl. No one should be controlling you like these two are. You are treated how you allow people to treat you. If these two are so ungrateful I'd be shunting the mother in law home, and telling her son to go and look after her himself.

Ooops, first sentence was supposed to be What a traitorous, trouble stirring woman she is. She's achieved exactly what she set out to do - drive a wedge between you and your partner. If he doesn't see that, he's a fool.

They’re ”Avin a Larf”, both of them and using you. Do you love this man? Really? Or just staying with him because you don’t see an alternative?

I right in thinking your local library should have contact details for Women’s Aid and/or your local Women’s Refuge? Going through the library wouldn’t be obvious - even using the computers there - wouldn’t be obvious so your partner wouldn’t know. Just talking to them and knowing you have some way of getting away will make you feel more confident and secure.

If these two are so ungrateful I'd be shunting the mother in law home, and telling her son to go and look after her himself.

That sounds like a very good solution - that would leave you with your home all to yourself ImpossibleB!

Although I do think that your partner's mother should be in hospital then in a care or nursing home as she sounds incapable of looking after herself.

You're being used and taken for granted, maybe better not to tell her anything. Your choice about the doctor, no one else's business who you see.

Please come back and tell us your thoughts, in your own time.

Did i read this correctly you are sleeping in your lounge whilst she is in your bed? I understand this lady is ill but so are you and she needs more care than you can give I think you should look after yourself and let them get on with it .

I feel so sorry for you, you should be having a life not being dictated to by oh and mil, is.there a friend or relative you cou!d at least say with for a night or two to.recharge your batteries, you are going to.be the poorly one here and then your oh would.have two ladies to look after.
Is there a women's centre or carers association you could join and then you could.talk to other people going through similar situations. Your oh is being so unreasonable he needs to learn to cook for his.!other and ultimately you will have to stand up to both of.them,I know.it's not easy but they cannot dictate to you when you are unwell and such a giving person.
I wish I could help. Xx

It would be helpful for you to ask SS for a carers assessment for yourself. This is a right that all carers now have. This should make it clear what support you need eg respite care for mil etc.

Sorry, I have only read the first page of this thread so hope I'm not repeating verbatim what others have said.

It seems to me that both your husband and your mother in law are controlling you. Which doctor you see is none of your husband's business but it seems that you have yielded to his demands in the past and it's probably difficult now to put your foot down.

I find it quite incredible that you are, in effect, your mother in law's main carer, with very little input from her son. Of course you want to help but I think what appears to be expected of you is totally unreasonable, especially given your own health problems.

Would it help to speak to your GP and ask for some counselling sessions? This may help you to see all these issues more clearly and gain the confidence to tell your husband and his mother that this situation cannot continue because your own physical and mental health is being put at risk. Other avenues need to be explored - residential care, day centre care, paying for help in the home, etc. etc. but the first step is to develop the confidence to tell the two people involved that you are not willing for the present arrangement to continue.

Would you consider leaving your partner? He sounds toxic and controlling. And his mother as others have said, could go into a home or be responsible for starving herself to death! Her choices are not your reesponsibility. I know it can be frightening setting out on your own after years in a relationship, but do you really want to spend the rest of your days with such an uncaring - towards you - and dominating partner?