Fallen out with a friend

She sounds exactly like an ex friend of mine , her priority was her love life and “ friends “ fitted in around it . After one lie too many most “ friends “ decided not to bother with her .

A real friend wouldn't change the goalposts to suit themselves then expect you to fall in line with the plans without consultation. Maybe her husband made a lot of noise about her missing his birthday so she was forced to change the plans but that's not your fault or problem. Forget it and move on. One less Christmas card to buy this year!Win, win I'd say.

You are completely in the right. If your "friend" thinks this is an acceptable way to behave, she is not worth having as a friend. Does her husband usually have his birthday on a different day of the year? Sheesh.

She sounds like a manipulative user. Give her what for then show her the door.

Whenever I've arranged a getaway with a friend, I send ALL the details of expenses as far as possible and suggestions as to who will pay for what for consideration. If I ever had to change an arrangement in such a way , I would bear the extra cost.

Sorry for the loss of your dishonest 'control freak'.

As all bar one have said, give her the elbow and move on. You do not need friends like her. No consideration for you whatsoever and expects you to fit in with her plans. Whether she's having an affair or not it's still out of order to make an arrangement, change it a lot, then get angry because you won't do as you're told.

Ditch.

It was her idea to go it was her idea to change arrangements.
I would not have agreed to go in the first place.
I had a very good ‘friend’ she is gay and we met when we worked together in the NHS. We used to go out to meals and the theatre on a regular bases. Out of the blue she arranged for just me and her to have a two weeks away in Spain in July. I told her I could not go because I look after grandchildren in the school holidays, she suggested my husband could look after them. I told her I would not be going. That was two months ago and I have not heard from her since. So be it if that’s how she wants it be.

I tend to agree with Notanan2. I personally wouldn't expect to go away and assume I don't pay for anything.

I would have asked up front when I was invited, what sort of contribution would she like, then you can discuss it and decide whether you still want to go.

She does sound a bit fickle but if you've known her a long time, could you have expected that? Problem on both sides - misunderstanding on yours, and not being up front on hers.

The friend is not paying 100% of the accommodation, she is going on business and will put it on expense.

It sounded to me like the OP's friend was angling to spend as little time with the OP as possible - restricting it to evening meals only. Heck, get Deliveroo to bring you a pasta on Friday and a pizza on Saturday and you've had just as good as you'd have had going on this trip. Let her have her hissy, say "sorry" even if you know you have no reason to apologise, and I am sure it will blow over.

I don’t think she has any reason to complain as it was her who decided to change the arrangements. No, I certainly don’t think you’re being unreasonable, she has given no thought for you whatsoever.

Eglantine- I agree with you and think the so called friend has behaved in a terribly selfish manner. She’s not worth having as a friend. You are greatly out of pocket down to her cancellation of original plans. Good riddance to her I say. I found myself in a similar position last year regarding someone I classed as a good friend, even though it hurts on reflection to feel used, my family say I’m better off not having people like that in my life. Good luck to you and I hope you can put it down to experience and not get duped again.

Eglantine, what is she going to be doing in Rome during the day at the weekend? Why does she not want to spend the days with you and expects to meet up for dinner which you will pay for. The whole thing looks dodgy. I think you are right to opt out. It has cost you money but better than throwing good money after bad.

Find new friends!

Eglantine do you not have travel insurance which would over the cost of the lost airfare? - I think you'll find that travel insurance will cover for cancellation due to illness, jury service, etc but I've never seen "my friend moved the goalposts" as a justification for a claim!

Sad situation - it sounds like a mis-match of expectations. I hope you'll be able to salvage the friendship if that's what you want to do, Eglantine.

I wonder whether her husband now knows you are not meeting her and going with her? If you were the cover story she might have intended the falling out so she can meet the person she does want to spend time with. I am having a nasty thought. Ring and wish him happy birthday on the day and say how sorry you are that you had to cancel, because of the cost of the hotel etc.

I was in a similar situation recently. A good friend said she wanted to take me on a short holiday to repay me for many kindnesses from me when she had been having a difficult time. She had recently come into a substantial amount of money. We didn’t discuss finances in detail. At the planning stage I turned down various suggestions because of the cost of flights (I didn’t want her spending a small fortune) and suggested a staycation. I booked the rail tickets (assuming she’d pay me back) and she booked the accommodation. When we got there I said let’s go 50/50 all the way on meals etc. And she said, ‘yes, great. And since you paid for the rail tickets, I’ll pay for the extra cost of the flat’. Which was about £80. I was a bit stunned, but I thought - we should have been more specific about what she meant by treating me to a holiday and I’m REALLY glad we didn’t go for the £350 each plane journey (I’m on a bit of a budget myself!).

We had a great couple of days. I had a smile to myself, once I’d got over the shock, and my friend is very happy and thinks she has been very generous. It would have been different if we’d been abroad and it had cost me £500. I would have had to tell her I couldn’t afford it, and she would have paid, but it would have strained our friendship.

Lesson learned? Always sort the details in advance.

I’m sorry I don’t have any suggestions for OP for mending the friendship other than - maybe send a card saying sorry we got our wires crossed and leave it at that.

So, it's her husband's Birthday?! It's just a date for goodness sake - celebrate it the day before or another time!

I agree that she isn't a true friend and how did she forget her husband's birthday then conveniently mention it after you had booked your plane ticket?

I feel like she tried to trap you especially saying 'You have loads of money' when you are in the process of moving home.

Let her be angry as you have the right to be just as angry. I don't understand how someone can offer you something than once you book change it completely. I must admit something a long these lines happened to me. I was meeting a friend. Now I'm far from mean but she agreed to lunch and when we got there just before we ordered she said, I have no money I'll have to find a card machine to get some cash out! I didn't say very much and then she repeated her sentence like she had rehearsed it. So I offered to pay but of course I was thinking when she agreed to lunch over the phone the day before why didn't she say that would be nice but I'm a bit short of money this month. There fore I would have offered because she has treated me in the past. But the whole point is friends shouldn't mislead each other. This felt a bit conniving to me.

The same with your friend in inviting you she should have told you what she expected from you from the word go. If you are told then you have a choice whether you want to go or not. But telling you after you've booked is asking for a bit of an argument especially enforcing that you will pay for the evening meals and mentioning you can afford it. your friend has stepped over too many boundaries in fact I would say, How dare she!

The betting is that she has a boyfriend who has arranged to be in Rome and you would be an awkward obstacle. So she has deliberately created a situation that she knew would lead to you cancelling. Tell her to drop dead.

She is clearly in the wrong but she may not realise the full cost to you.
It might be worth sending her an email just saying that you are sorry that you have fallen out; that you had wanted to go but the cost now is:- then set it out in a clear and businesslike way. That you are sorry that she feels the friendship is compromised but you are unable to make it work given that you have to work on a budget, however much you may want to.
Then I would just leave it and if she does not want to see your point of view, that is up to her.

What a cheeky cow, if she is going away on business the the company would have paid for the accommodation. I’m so sorry you have lost your money but at least you are better off without this conniving bitch.

I think you are right and am a bit surprised at the idea you will each do your own thing every day. I have holidays with girlfriends (including Rome) and we rarely go off on our own. Usually if one wants to sunbathe and the other doesn’t.

You have been thoughtlessly messed about. You have the courage to call a halt. It may help her learn you are not a fool!

Eglantine21 I agree with others, she is not paying for the accommodation, has changed the rules plus will be on her own over there.
I frequently ask good friends to join me for a couple of nights when I am renting a cottage in Yorkshire, I have already paid for the cottage so I don’t ask them for anything.
If they want to treat us both for a nice lunch or evening meal ONCE, that’s great but it’s the friends company I want and that’s lovely enough. They don’t have to pay me anything.

You are better off without this "friend". She is being totally unreasonable.