Fallen out with a friend

Agree with Gillybob, you were being used as a cover. Do something else that weekend.

Seems with hindsight it would have been an idea to discuss how you were going to share joint expenses. How much had you budgeted for a weekend in Rome? As your friend has an apartment you could buy from a local supermarket and make a meal each night. The extra payment for a night is a problem possibly the problem. It seems you were going home by train so I am not sure how if you were driving down to her place to your friends place to stay the night. You were going to take the train back why not get a return, take the very latest train down, and just spend a bit longer in the airport waiting for the early morning flight. OR if not it is light very early now can't you get up early and drive direct to the airport in time for the early morning flight.

I appreciate that your friend has given you a very complex problem by taking away her over night hospitality and insisting you pay for 3 meals.

do hope you can find a way through this that works for you.

I totally agree that the friend has been unreasonable to change the Friday travel arrangements, and I don't think I'd be happy to be told that I'd be expected to just go and do my own thing!!

I'm torn on the meal thing. Like others I'd offer to take her out for a meal or two as she's providing the accommodation (even though it's on her expenses!) but it would be on my terms. Having been told I was paying I'd be worried about what her expectations would be - presumably as you wouldn't be together during the day it would just be evening meals but does she expect "The works" plus a lot of booze lot just a good but modest meal??

Could well be that the friend is paying for the accommodation for the extra, non work nights but that's not the point. Rather than a few days break with a good friend the goal posts have changed and now she's even saying you should both go your own way during the days and just meet up at night? Seems to me her whole attitude has changed and you're not being unreasonable at all, your friend is!

Haven’t read all the posts so apologies if this has been mooted already.
Do you think husband was miffed when he heard about all the plans for a girly weekend, so insisted on a birthday celebration and also complained about cost etc. so the friend is obliged to ask OP to pay for a lot of it?

Can’t quite figure out the dynamics here. Did she only realise after inviting you to share the apartment, that a romantic liaison was also going to be in Rome at the same time (possibly a work colleague at the same conference)? If she had known beforehand that he would be there then she would not have wanted you there at all surely? If she only found out after you’d booked it seems a strange way of putting you off because you might actually have bitten the bullet and still agreed to go. Given that you told her you wouldn’t be going, whyever did she get angry? Surely she would have been relieved? I can’t quite get my head around this particular theory unless I’m just being thick. Under any circumstances anyway she is an unpleasant and duplicitous person and I don’t know why you would still want to be friends with her.

I don’t think she is being honest with you. She couldn’t have overlooked her husband’s birthday! Sounds like it just didn’t pan out how she intended. If you don’t want to pay for all the meals (and why should you...it was her that invited you), and don’t want to do the journey and to stay overnight pre flight(nor would I), I would explain to her again how you feel, say you’re also sorry how it’s worked out and hope you can stay as friends, and leave it at that. It really won’t affect her trip that much!Give her a little time and it may blow over. Of course it will affect your friendship, but so be it.

I think her partner has his suspicions and made a scene about her being away for his birthday.

Eglatine21,I think you should hold your head up high, in my opinion you are in the right, firstly she changed the arrangements for the Friday. But if also don't understand why she would expect you to do things on your own during the day if she isn't working. Surely it would be so much nicer to spend time sightseeing with a friend to enjoy it with.

I don’t think she is being honest with you. She couldn’t have overlooked her husband’s birthday!

I agree Gingergirl

I think the friend had an agenda - no idea why she would ask you to go to Rome with her and then want to be alone to do her own thing. Very suspicious.

As others have said, she seems a very unpleasant and duplicitous person, you are well rid of her.

Feels to me like she is using you as a meal ticket, rather than a chill out break together. I don't think friends do that.

Agree with the most of everyone above. Sadly you have lost a friend but she wasn’t thinking of you when she changed the goals posts

You are well out of it. This lady has an agenda that does not include you or her husband!
When I've done business trips I always left on the last possible date and came home on the first. Adding extra days to go off by herself when it would have made a lovely birthday treat does not add up. As others have said - you've been used.

Its no good people saying what they would have done or what she should have done. The fact is her so called friend has let her down and not been entirely honest from the start. Dump her, put it down to experience and find a more honest friend.

Actually when I decided not to go ahead I hadn’t checked in, so I did offer my plane tickets for her husband or daughter. Or another friend if she could get someone at short notice.

She said no.

I don't have a suspicious mind but, having read some other posts on here, I think they have a point. You would be cramping her style if you spent all weekend together and taking her husband or daughter would really put the cat amongst the pigeons in St Mark's Square!

Eglantine21 you should be jumping for joy now the initial shock of what she has done has worn off. From now on she no longer deserves to be your friend, if that is her idea of friendship and what friends to do each other you are better out of it. Smile and say to yourself - a lesson learned, then move on to real friendships.

Notanan2 the accommodation was being covered by friend’s expenses provided by the company she works for. So not at her personal expense at all.

I will add that these issues nearly always do come down to money. I'd suggest that she asked you, genuinely, as a friend ( thinking impulsively that it would be fun) She then began to realise that the money would be quite a lot.... began to think she was being "over generous" ( !!!!!) Maybe husband made fuss, (when she finally told him the whole plan) so she started to try to back track. They ( or he) decided that the whole thing would cost much more than she initially thought, so decided you should pay too!! Quite likely the husband is behind the whole of the "backtracking"... told her she could use his birthday as a reason to backtrack? I doubt whether she had a liason in Rome...wouldn't have asked you if she was planning that. Now she is furious ( possibly with husband too) ; serves her right.

I know hindsight is a wonderful thing, and perhaps being clearer about all the expenses involved, and who would be paying for what, at the start, before flights, etc, were booked would have been wise.
However, from all that you have posted, Eglantine, it reads as if your 'friend' was being quite manipulative, and using you as a convenience. For you to have the impression that you would spend the three days together seeing the sights and eating together at night, for it to be changed by your friend to just you spending the evenings together with you paying for the meals, smacks of manipulation on her part. As others say, I wonder just what she planned to do during the day, whilst I assume her husband thought she would be with you?
You did the right thing by backing out, as the whole agenda had completely changed.

notanan2

You are concentrating on one aspect: the cost allocation of the accommodation and meals.
You have totally ignored the other aspects which do put the "friend" in the wrong. 1) changing the arrangements to go the airport (meaning OP has to pay out a lot more money) and 2) suddenly deciding not to share any of the daytime with the OP. Not everyone would wish to see Rome alone! Especially if accompanying a friend. I would be shocked at that alone.

It doesn't matter the reason. If you now can't afford the trip, that's the end of the story and it's not up to your friend or anyone else to question that. If you said I've changed my mind and don't want to go she could be annoyed but you don't have the money. Another question, did she somehow alter her travel arrangements when she thought you were coming? If not, what has she lost besides someone to pay for her meals? Sorry, she's totally wrong and I wonder if notanan2 is her, under a pseudonym, because I can't honestly imagine how anyone could think otherwise. Sorry, this one has me riled up!

Wow l would of cancelled too.

Thank you everyone. It’s given me a lot of reassurance that I did make the right decision or at least that the only decision I could have made wasn’t an unreasonable one.

I can’t see a way back from this really, which is a shame., but thankfully I do have other people in my life and it just means I will spend more time with them ?

Good for you Eglantine.

Now upwards and onwards !