Friens booked surprise concert. Don't want to go.

This a celebration for your friends so, they have, quite understandably, booked something they will enjoy. I see no problem, as others have suggested, that you accept the invitation to the meal but, explain that because of your hearing problems, you will give the concert a miss. If she has been your friend for so long, I cannot imagine she will take offence,
Go to the meal and enjoy it.

Do tell who's playing at this concert.

annep1 whilst having your meal you could come up with a little white lie and say you have a pounding headache and don't feel well enough to go to the concert.

I hear you all. Will update you later today. I can't tell you the performers name as my name is not disguised and if any of the group is on Gransnet they will possibly make the connection.

Please just tell her, asap. Tell her you weren’t truthful about enjoying it last time and that your ear condition really makes it an ordeal even with ear plugs. That you are sorry but will join in happily with everything else. She’s your oldest friend and I’m sure she will understand. But don’t leave it til the last minute! (You’ll feel so much better when you have told her?)

I would just say (as soon as possible), thank you but it isn’t really your thing and you won’t be going. Give her flowers...or a different present....maybe suggest you get together another time, and leave it at that. There’s no obligation to go, whether she’s paid for it or not. She really can’t control people, so she has to expect that even very good friends may not want to do this. If you can’t talk to her in person, I’m afraid, I would resort to a text or email, to get the message to her.

Just go to the meal and tell her before you are not able to go to the concert as it hurts your ears. It is no big deal. Or you could go with an open mind and may enjoy it. Choice is yours but the longer you leave it the bigger the deal it becomes and your friend with will wonder why you didn't just say something ... life is to short yo worry about the small things.

You’re not really good friends if you’re afraid to be honest with her.
Why didn’t you tell her honestly last time, that you were pleased to be invited, enjoyed her company but have realised that live concerts like this one, are really not your thing?

don't go

An odd odd thread

Your oldest and best friend

And yet you seem unable to be honest with her
And despite her knowing that you have a *Crystaltipps I do actually have a condition which means loud noise is unpleasant and she and her husband know.* goes ahead and books anyway.

This is not the dynamic between my best and oldest friend and I!

any chance she could change the concert for a play...if not go to the hotel for the meal and say that you not feeling well and that you cant possibly go to a noisy concert. after all she paid for it ,not you....be brave .be bold and speak up......

then maybe say she should ask first. not just surprise everyone.....some maybe going on holiday or doing something else, she cant expect everyone to drop everything for her.very nice lady or not.would take her to one side and explain...

I think it's very hard to say no to a strong willed person. They have no problems saying no to people pleasers themselves. I can understand the problem op as my mil frequently gave us tickets for birthdays or Christmas for us " to go up to London for a show" because she loved it. None of us liked musicals,shouty and often discordant, and in those days we often had to spend £200 on trainfares and overnight stay as well. We couldn't get out of it. I suggest you go for the Meal and have a sudden debilitating headache which improves when they haveleft for the concert.

What is the condition which means loud noise is unpleasant ?

I should think most older people aren't particularly enamoured of loud noise, especially at concerts.

I think Cleopanda has worded it very well. You need to be honest with your friend and tell her.

I understand your situation very well but having read all the posts I do feel very strongly that we mustn’t be too quick to embrace our advancing years! I’ve seen this in many threads on this site. Some people seem so set in their ways. It really pays to be flexible and open to new ideas for as long as possible. If you have a hearing problem which is so serious that the earplugs won’t help then your friends should be made aware of this. Otherwise just go and put up with it. There’s plenty of time for life to be limited in scope by age and illness. An acquaintance of mine refused a lovely dinner invitation for New Year as she didn’t want to stay up late as that broke her usual routine. Can’t understand it!

I do think it's strange that people organise such events without asking their guests first. I'm reminded of a young female friend whose FIL decided he would take his family to Florida for a holiday. He was paying for the villa and the flights. But, he wasn't really thinking about his family. My young friend has a baby and a small cild, as do her SILs and BILs. A long flight is involved, it will be hot and there is a swimming pool which is not fenced. Not really the sort of holiday for very young children.

Why do people think they know best what the rest of their family/friends might like?

I'm aged 72 and still go to concerts, mainly jazz these days since the venues are smaller. I wouldn't dream of buying tickets for people without asking first.

I’d tell her you don’t feel well enough to attend but thanks for the invite and then she can offer to someone else- a friend will understand x

annep1
I do so deeply sympathise! I fear that my tendency to be a hermit and my dislike of noisy places and crowds has led my friends to despair about me and ultimately give up with me. I am simply not one of the crowd. I am not proud of this. I wish I could muck in and be part of the shared joy that you see when they show Glastonbury or suchlike on TV. I could not even cope with Wimbledon now.

Enough of me. I think I would cough up and "come out" and explain to your friend. Otherwise this will go on for a long time. If you can afford to, maybe you could take her out for something you both enjoy, as a little compensation. Explain that you would love to be able to come but it is just not a simple matter of not enjoying it, it goes further. With me it would mean a migraine (I actually am trying to get rid of one now) that would last several days. Tell her it's more than just personal preference and more of a health issue, it actually makes you feel ill and you can't manage it. Say you truly appreciate being included with everyone and will be thinking of them and to make up for missing being with her on that occasion you would like to take her out say, to tea at a special place...

I do hope you manage this and she understands. I know it's no good just saying "It's too loud for me" because people do not realise what it actually does to you. I had to leave a "Queen" tribute with rock and orchestra because I could not cope with the noise. It made me dizzy and nauseous and I could hardly walk. I had a terrible migraine for many days afterwards. You may need to explain it in terms of the sensory load being not just a matter of decibels but something you have a medical intolerance to.

Lots of luck and love and I do hope she understands. ?

You invited your friend to the theatre and she said thanks, but they would pass on that. There's your answer- say thank you, we would love to share your meal with you, but will have to pass on the concert. If she asks why tell her you have a hearing/ear problem so definitely can't manage the concert. Ignore the advice to not turn up, or suddenly develop a last minute illness, she's your dear, kind friend and deserves better than that.

Stansgran. I know exactly what you went through! I too dislike Musicals. I too need to pay a lot for the train fare. I find it so difficult coping with those people who say "I know just what you need". They usually choose the direct opposite of what I would like - something I detest in fact!

Actually, although it seems a leap from this thread, it is why I refuse ever to go into residential care (unless I have severe dementia). The many care homes I visited before I became too disabled, as part of something I used to do, were filled with lovely workers who all "knew exactly how to cheer up the Residents" and arranged things for them to do "to take them out of themselves". Having others decide what I must do because, in their opinion, it is "good for me" is my definition of hell. I am not surprised that elderly people go missing from their care homes. They probably are trying to run away. So when annep1's friend insists that her taste is what everyone will enjoy, even if it's a bit of a shock, I get intimations of the sort of person who likes to run other people's lives and who knows absolutely nothing about other people - indeed does not respect that they are different and insists that her likes are the answer for entertaining everybody.

As your friend said ‘bring ear plugs’, do just that and accept graciously. I think you are very fortunate o have such good friends.

The sooner you tell her, the better you'll feel. As others have said, say to your friend that you'd love to come to the meal but will pass on the concert. I myself wouldn't lie or make excuses not to go ie, develop a bad headache and go home. I would be on edge and wouldn't enjoy the meal knowing at the end I'd have to put on an act. Remember, liars have to have a good memory. If she's a good friend she should accept your decision. You accepted hers on your invitation.

Agree with most other posters here; tell her the truth that it hurts your ears and that your husband doesn't really like this sort of music, so the meal would be lovely but you'll have to skip the concert. Friendships come with all sorts of dynamics and I query why certain posters puff out their chests and posture about how this doesn't sound like much of a friendship, they would never have to lie to their best friend etc etc... do you have to make the OP feel worse rather than encouraging her to be brave enough to go against the traditional lines of her friendship. Yes, marvellous if you're such a strong person who never gets bullied into doing anything, but she maybe doesn't need to hear the loud sound of your self congratulatory trumpet too! Good luck, I hope the meal is nice!

I cant help wondering if she confided in you about the concert to give you the opportunity to refuse.
Why tell you and keep it a surprise from everone else ?
She could have bought earplugs to give you herself.
I would tell her in advance and then just go to the meal. She might well have felt the need to invite you in case you felt left out and be relieved youve said no.