Christmas nightmare

Wow!
I rather expected everyone to tell me to stop being selfish, cheer up, stop being an old grouch and try to look as though I'm enjoying it and I probably will once I get there!
I really appreciate all the kindness and empathy from you all. I'm going to have a serious talk with him and perhaps compromise by making an appearance and leaving early. (I think).

Ask him for the money for a new outfit and say you will go but only for dinner and will get a cab home and he can stay on?

Of course most of us feel for you*Bbarb*. The situation is so obviously wrong and totally unnecessary. There is no way you should be making any allowances here. Best of luck with it all.?

Humbertbear the dinner might be the most painful bit for her back. Though each person's back pain is different.

I believe that most men are inherently selfish, and thank your lucky stars if you get a good one. If the tables were turned and he had the bad back, what do you think he would do? Correct! He would do exactly as he wanted. Tell him you are not well enough to go and let that be an end to it. If he doesn't like it, tell him to shove the tickets where the sun don't shine.

I agree with Shelmiss I don't think he is thinking about his wife at all. She has had a major injury, is still in pain and she has already made an effort to prepare for Christmas even though she doesn't feel well. He had booked tickets to go out with people she doesn't even like and won't listen to her when she says she is in pain and tired.
If you don't want to go tell him you really don't feel up to it and suggest he takes a friend or family member instead.
Good luck

Awful predicament

Just say you're not going

Hi Bbarb. I know how you feel, I to broke my back some years ago but I’m still in pain everyday, I hate complaining because at least I can walk.
I also suffer from Fybromalgia & a few other things.
Please don’t drink on morphine as I have had to as Iv been in so much pain after drinking that Iv fallen asleep while out. Sooo embarrassing.
Ask your gp for diazepam as that loosens up the joints & back it may help you.
Your Husband should be more sympathetic. It makes me so annoyed whe people so close to us don’t even try to understand
As for clothes, why have you lost weight? Have you had it checked out???
There are many cheap website selling very reasonably priced clothes such as Shenin, have a look.
I hope your evening isn’t too bad you may even enjoy it. But go to your gp & explain what’s happening & he or she may understand & help you with another medication
I was traveling long haul & was in so much pain & was going to call it off & lose all my money but my gp came to the rescue.
Good luck xx

The only thing I would say, to be fair to the husband, is the OP might have felt so bad about not wanting to go that she was humming and hawwing and being kind of vaguely negative without ever really saying "oh I am sorry but I REALLY couldn't cope with that yet". If she had come right out and said it immediately, it would probably have been easier to refund the tickets than it is now, and easier to get her something else. Now he's frustrated because he's not quite sure what's going on. I have had many husbands and they all lacked the perception to read between lines - they all needed straight words.

I don’t have a decent suggestion about the party, sorry. However please do try the anti-depressants as they can be very good for nerve-type pain which I guess is what you are, in part, experiencing with your back. The morphine will work for a different type of pain and you may easily benefit from the combination

I think I would say "I'm as sorry and disappointed as you must be, but I simply do not have the strength to go to this party".
Perhaps he can return the tickets and get a refund, or maybe you could offer to telephone the organisers , explaining the circumstances, pointing out that it was an impulsive buy on your husband's part and you are simply not well enough to attend. It is a charity, they should understand.

Dear Bbarb, you have an absolute and utter right not to go anywhere or see anyone you don't want to. I think you are afraid of upsetting your husband, and I truly know how that feels. But your health must be your number one priority, and you must work hard on believing you are worth it. I suspect your husband is used to getting his own way - lack of empathy doesn't suddenly appear from nowhere. If you give in, the same thing could happen again next Christmas, and the next. You need support to insist on your wishes, and if there is no friend or family member who can support you (been there too), phone the Samaritans to hear a kind voice and get a virtual hug. It's a very difficult and scary place to be but health must trump people-pleasing, every time. I do hope you manage to find a little peace this Christmas xxx

I have never liked new years eve but for years always went out as hubby loved it, even when I had the flu which meant went out and came straight back to crawl into bed. Last year we went out for a meal but were home and in bed by 10.30 bliss. After 42 years of marriage I put myself first for a change. You are not being ungrateful or selfish, not one of us knows the pain you are in. If you cannot say no to going is there not a compromise maybe set a time limit at which point you are very sorry but you will need to go home. I truly wish you the best we always try to please everyone often to our own disadvantage. Take care and I hope you find a solution that suits your needs.

This is awful Bbarb, it's hardly any time since the summer, and you still have some healing to get through. Amtriptyline has already been mentioned. It's brill for sciatica, but only your doctor knows if it's for you. As someone else said, not advisable to mix morphine and alcohol, so you would be the only non drinker at the table. Great fun...not. Good luck with getting out of this event. And so sorry to hear how much in pain are some of the other posters. Hugs for your healings

Bbarb, referring to your last comment, a compromise sounds ok if it works for you. You need to feel content with your decision...otherwise I think it will hamper your recovery, if you’re too stressed. But you might want to make sure your husband understands clearly what you’re going through-and also maybe you, he, because illness always touches others. If you can have some common ground, I think you’ll feel less stress. Hope you enjoy it if you do go.

He doesn’t care about how you feel emotionally or physically. So treat him like wise. Say no and then add the matter will not be discussed any further

My DH, a medical doctor told me 40 years ago ' Remember you are always on your own' He also said ' A trouble shared is a trouble doubled'
Initially, I thought, 'You miserable old *' but then I thought further and the ideas gave me strength...... I am a person in my own right and can determine what happens to me. Anybody else's solution is not necessarily the best for me
I found that this helped me to try to put myself first for once and I'm the only one who can truly define my own condition. Any other definition is from another person's point of view

Oh Bbarb how I feel for you. I don't think that youhusband was being deliberately awkward or unkind in booking those tickets but he really should have asked you furst. Sureky he knows you cannit stand the other couple. In your place I would simply refuse to go. You are in pain as you need morphine so you do what makes you happy and dont consider anyone else. I am just about to leave for my daily radiotherapy on my back and DH qaants to di a coupke if ither thibgs firat so asked what time we should leave. 2.39 I saud and he has been sitting in the car with the engine for the last 5 minutes. Getting me very wound up when he knows I need to stay as calm as possible before having the mask fitted over my face and clipped to the bed. Off now so please excuse the spelling mistakes.

Bbarb, I really feel for you & completely disagree with the others who say “he’s being kind” & you should make the effort to go, for him” etc. He is not being kind at all, don’t know how long you’ve been together, but there are red flags jumping out, that he has so little empathy or idea of what you’re going through.

I also think that society has brainwashed many women (especially those of us older women) into automatically making allowance for our menfolk, putting up with a lot & putting their needs first.

I think you should look at other options to help your pain & put yourself first, your health & wellbeing matters. Your doctor doesn’t sound great, try another one in the same practice. This can be difficult to do, but I made myself do it some time back. Technically, you’re not really under 1 set GP any longer. May also be worth calling the Samaritans or similar women’s helpline in your area & get support/advice/listening ear. Do you have other family/friends you could talk to? All the best.

An antidepressant often prescribed for pain is Amitryptiline, quite an old one but effective. And if your DH bought those tickets without consulting you, you are under no obligation to go to this event. Courage, woman! Say no!

FWIW from NHS website:
Amitriptyline is a medicine used to treat pain.
It's especially good for nerve pain such as back pain and neuralgia.
It can also help prevent migraine attacks.
Amitriptyline is available on prescription. It comes as tablets and as a liquid.

You are on morphine for a broken back and you made a cake!!!

Unbelievable. STOP. Put yourself first. Make an appointment with the GP. Insist on one. Get some medical help.
Do not even consider the night out,he can sell the tickets.

Is there anyone else who could try explaining to your husband that you are still recovering from a serious injury, are in constant pain, cannot cope physically with the evening out he has planned, and to top it all have lost so much weight that none of your clothes fit?

He might just realise how serious things are if it comes from someone other than you.

If not tell him precisely what you have written here, and point out that all the Christmas preparations you have been making are done entirely because he loves Christmas, not because you really have the energy to do them.

If he pooh-poohs things, tell him that you are not going with him to the function, that you hope he can find someone who would like the ticket, then go to bed and stay there leaving him to cope with everything for the next two days.

When he asks when you are going to get up again, say, "When my back stops hurting so fiendishly, sometime next year, probably."

I cannot understand why your GP is talking about anti-depressants, you are recovering from a serious injury. I would see another doctor and try acupuncture to see if you could perhaps get some relief from pain.

Are you sure that the chairs you sit in and the mattress on your bed are suitable? I know a new mattress wouldn't entirely solve the problem of back pain, but it might help. Your physiotherapist should be able to advise about how hard or soft a mattress you need. If you aren't going to physiotherapy, get a referral.

I can't pretend to say whether your husband is totally lacking in empathy - it sounds like it, but in my opinion men of our generation haven't been taught to try and consider other peoples' feelings.

Please stop trying to be the perfect housewife. If he wants Christmas as it always has been, he will need to do the work.

In your post you say you ‘ just can’t tell him’. Does that mean you’ve never actually said you can’t go to the dinner? You also say he sighs and goes out of the room when you try to tell him how hard you find things. Could you have been hiding how bad you feel, so seeing you doing Christmas stuff makes him think you’re better than you are?

I've had a back injury for over two years. I'd just refuse to go as I know I'd be in extreme pain with no opportunity to lie down when necessary.

All I feel up to doing is local trips out or daytime excursions in the summer (when I take a yoga mat and blanket with me) as travelling often makes things worse.

He just doesn't have a clue so you'll have to explain that it would be an ordeal, rather than a pleasure, for you. He can take somebody else.