Christmas nightmare

Sorry I'd tell him straight that you're in too much pain to go out partying. I have the opposite problem to you although I too am on high doses of morphine my family always assume I'm in too much pain to go anywhere or do anything, to be fair they are generally right but I'd just like to be asked even if I do say no, please just ask me.

Oh BBarb, I send you sympathy and hugs. I'm another voice here for you not going along to this "do". Tell your OH firmly that you simply can't manage this: the sooner you say this, the better. Once you have voiced your decision, then at least (hopefully) you will be spared further mental agony over this issue. (Such stress is the last thing you need, alongside the physical pain.)

I am just amazed he bought tickets without consulting you.

This man has watched you being in dreadful pain for a long time does he think you can flick a switch and turn it off so you can go out to a dinner dance with him.
How many times have you chosen to have a night out recently? Not many I would guess
He is so selfish and uncaring I'm sure he would not be going if he was in so much pain.
He should have asked you if you would be able to manage the evening before buying the tickets ,don't go look after yourself as nobody else can possibly know how bad your pain is

You say you can't tell OH how you feel and therein lies the problem.

My MIL has terminal bowel cancer and has spent many years going along with her husband's wishes often at the cost of her own. Now she is really suffering and in a lot of pain, as long as her husband sees the occasional smile from her " all is well with the world" He isn't being unkind, just living their life in the way she has allowed him to all their married life . Their children are getting more and more resentful of their father's behaviour and it has become very stressful for all concerned.
The way I see it you have 3 choices:

1. Just say you don't want to go as it's too early in your recovery path.

2. Try the anti-depressants but I think they take time to build up in your system so you will need to start promptly. They may lift your mindset to enable you to soldier on.

3. Carry on as you are with just the painkillers and hope you can get through it all.

What you shouldn't do is dwell on the thought of the party, as instead of just a couple of days agony you are making yourself miserable for weeks before hand which is very destructive. Taking control of the problem and making a decision is very powerful in terms of self worth. And you do have worth even if you can't see it at the moment.

Lastly you should go to your nearest shops and buy/hire something you like, that fits you properly whether its for the formal dinner or just for Xmas. Start taking care of yourself, book a home manicure or pedicure even if it's something you never do. Little steps eventually make a difference.

I am so sorry for your pain Bbarb. I do know antidepressants are prescribed for pain, I think someone above has mentioned amitritilyne and I do believe it helps.

You need to spell it out to your other half, tell him to sit down and listen - you do not want to go, and you are not going. If he wants to go, he can go on his own or invite someone to go with him and does he not understand that you are still suffering with your back.

Tell him as soon as possible, you are stressing and getting upset about this and that will not help your recovery.

I wish you well and send "Hugs" and .

<he has no empathy>

THAT would do it for me.

I'm in a 'caring' position as my husband has bone marrow cancer. They are equally ignorant of their own recovery limitations as well. sigh

A lot of advice given here.....come back and let us know your decision.....or for further support.

He has put you on ignore. Tell him clearly that you are not going. He did not discuss it with you. He obviously has no sympathy for your situation. Make your decision and stick with it. Hugs for you x

Just make him aware that you're definitely not going and when he asks why just sigh and walk out of the room. Some of his own treatment may make him see how very selfish and uncaring he's being.

This could set you back in the healing process for your back. As one who has back problems I would say really like to go but with what has happened can't, I won't be able to dance will probably be in pain all night,you go and enjoy yourself.

I'm speechless, really. I know what I would do if it were me, but it's not me it's you. Please think of yourself and do what you want to do whether or not it upsets anyone else or not. Hugs and ????

Oh dear , I'm recovering from 2 knee replacements and have turned down Christmas get togethers. I feel lumpy and limpy and can't get into my nice clothes so am happy to stay at home. Maybe seeing as he's bought the damned tickets maybe you could just eat the meal , stay a short while then escape leaving him to enjoy the party ? I think that it will be ghastly for you . Big hugs .

I agree with a previous poster who mentioned that if you are still in morphine, you are not as ok as you think you are

I would take the antidepressants and try to get on the same page with my oh.
You two must be able to take wise decisions that satisfy both your criteria (budget wise too).
Does he know you do not like that couple?

Forgot! Of course do not go to charity ball just because he got the tickets.

Are you calling Bbarb a camel,PamelJ1? Thats a bit insensitive that comment

tell other half how you feel honestly and say you dont want to go it will be too much for you and your not going, noone should make them selves ill going anywhere you dont want to go to please someone else,

Go enjoy it for what it is, a charity do. Go to the charity shop for something to wear and help another charity. Cancer research always have top quality clothes,

Just tell him straight,i cant go,im in too much pain to sit that long..and dont do or make anything else unless its what you want,just cause he 'likes the season'- in fact if he mentions something,JUST SIGH LOUDLY,then ask him to do it.

Tell him you won’t be going and explain why. It seems like he’s only thinking of himself and if he wants to go he can go on his own.

Im sure he probably thought it was a good thing hes done, a little 'surprise' for you,to get you out& about a bit maybe? And doing a charity good deed too- but,he's gone about it wrong as you're not really up to it yet,maybe if you explain you're still in a lot of pain,he could resell the charity tickets,and buy some nice food in that HE can cook for you both as a treat instead?

First of all, you need adequate pain relief or referral to the pain clinic by your GP if you haven’t seen them before. Depression and back pain can go together, so please don’t rule out antidepressants. When you broke your back you took the treatment. If you’re broke inside, take the treatment. I hope things improve for you xx

I agree that you shouldn't go if you feel it's too much for you. However I don't agree with the posters who are calling your husband selfish and without empathy. I'm sure he bought the tickets with the best intentions and thought it would be a lovely treat for you. Best to sit down with him and explain that you're grateful and appreciate his gesture, but you just don't feel well enough to go.

Well if he can't be bothered to try and understand don't bother explaining it. Try this line "I am not going"!

It does us good to see a different side to the situation - thank you for that one. It must be equally hard to be ignored when treats are on offer - I'll think about things from your perspective. Thanks.

Very good advice on all posts here.
Think of your health please so sorry for you I know what pain of a bad back is and it takes a long time to recover.poor you.