Stepdaughters wedding

Well Kamj if he’s made his mind up, it’s his daughter and he sounds like he will probably just do what he thinks regardless.

I hope it works out ok for you all whatever the outcome. I hope it doesn’t cause problems and that these worries are soon over.

Good luck.

Good advice from Lolo81 if you enquire as she suggested it’s addressing the confusion in a non confrontational way.
Jay Lucy I would have thought kamji would know by now if the boys were to play any roles at the wedding.

Pumpkinpie, my ego? ?

Kamj, why do you put a x on the end of your posts?

Sorry its almost automatic i end texts with a X and sometimes forget

My nephew was to be getting married this month but it has been cancelled. I only received an invite to the evening reception. I was a little surprised and hurt. I was with my sister and she was showing off her outfit and asked what colour I was wearing, said I am not invited and she nearly choked on her coffee. Said , of course you are, mix up with invites Just ask....

especially as family comes before friends and distant relatives

What absolute tosh. Myself and DH have many friends who are much closer to us and more valued than blood relatives.

It's not the asking which will cause waves as long as it is done nicely, it's the way you accept the answer. I would ask female to female and if they say your children aren't invited, just say, "Ok," in an understanding way. If you are really anxious about attending, just let them know so they can put you on a table with friendly people who will be open to companionship for the day.

I sympathise with you and can understand how hurt you feel .
My granddaughter got married 2 years ago and it caused an enormous family split .
The background is her mum is my adopted daughter. She split from the father when the children were young , We set up access so that they did see their father but he grudges anytime and money he had to spend on them .
We helped financially , we took them on holiday , they spent every second weekend with us to give their mum a break as youngest had ADHD and his behaviour was challenging to mange .
Granddaughter suddenly decided when she left school to go and stay with father and stepmom .Suddenly he was Mr Wonderful .
When she got married at 21 they cut her mum and the rest of us out of all arrangements . Step mum wa at the top table and none of included in any off the photos .
We kept our mouths shut on the day but none of us , including her brothers who were fuming have had anything to do with her since .
She has tried to creep back in but can’t seem to see why any of us but especially her mum was also hurt .
So the moral of my tale is please have an open and frank discussion about the wedding arrangements now rather than it damaging your relationship beyond repairs afterwards .

Wedding invites are a nightmare, especially in this day and age when so many families are blended. At least your DH and his ex can share the day with their daughter. Not like some weddings you hear about. I heard of one where the relationships between all four parents was so bad the bride and groom didn't even have a top table. Two pieces of advice. Ask your DH to ask his daughter to clarify the situation asap. And most definitely do not presume your sons are invited. Just imagine how embarrassing it would be for all of you, especially your sons, to turn up and find out that they were not invited!

If you and your husband are contributing to the cost of the wedding then surely you should have at least had a discussion with the bride and groom as to who you would like to be invited.
Strikes me that her own mum has rather more influence on proceedings than is healthy.

You seem considerate op but i feel sorry for your step daughter. Her dads planned response is passive aggressive and if your sons aren’t invited then it will potentially cause her some angst. Seems like he is drawing a line and to her it could feel like his step sons come before her wishes.

Try to convince him to have a neutral conversation and to accept the outcome gracefully either way. Are you sure he isn’t trying to protect your feelings? When really it’s understandable that your step daughter hasn’t invited your sons. Though it will be nice for all of she has.

We contributed to it yes but left the planning to her as she seamed to know what she wanted etc, and didnt feel our place to say who she should invite, i just thought (rightly or wrongly) my younger 2 would be invited

Babyshark, thank you yes he probably is protecting my feelings as hes hurt by all this too, hes far from passive aggressive, think he's at a loss over it too

Just a thought. Could your DH, or even you, ask who you will be sitting with? Say you just want to check if it is anyone you know or can get to know before the wedding. If your sons aren't part of the answer then you will know they are not invited. Going to a function like a wedding and sitting with a group of strangers can be a nightmare for anyone who is shy, especially if you are sitting with a group who all know each other.

Your dh going all guns blazing with her SD is a recipe for disaster

This daughter was 20 when you married his father.
Your sons were 5 and 9.

Sorry, posted before finishing the thought

A 20 year old is not going to form a family instant bond with kids that young just because his father got married to a lady with kids from a previous marriage.

A 20 year old is in a different stage of life.

Your dh just should clarify it without judgement and guilt and close the chapter

A lot of people do not invite children to weddings these days- very sensible I think as it is very boring for them.

This thread is the perfect example of "we got along great till she decided to get married and now our relationship has changed"

They adore each other, very close imo, thats why its so hard to understand, thats why both hubby and i feel a little hurt by it,
Thank you all for the replies and advice etc, im still none the wiser to the right/wrong approach as all so different,
Thank you again,
I will try and reply as and when but probably wont be online as much now ive posted this and had numerous replies x

For goodness sake, just ask a perfectly reasonable question; ‘are Bill and Bob included in the invitation or shall I sort child care?’

Well you feel hurt. Fair enough. That is the reality of how you feel. It is not wrong to feel this way. It is very natural and I sympathise with you. There are always going to be insecurities and resentments and fears when families break up and reform. How could there not be? And weddings bring these up. Who is invited. Who is not. Where people sit. It is overt and public. You will have to sit separately from your husband on the day. On your own. You are already feeling a bit nervous and sad about this, It is a recreating on this day of the family he was once in which you were not a part of then. Anyone would feel the same things that you are feeling. Let yourself feel this without self blame. Be kind to yourself. But then ask yourself if you could be reading messages into this that may not be there. You say you love the bride. That is such a good thing. Don’t assume this is a signal that she doesn’t love you or care about your children. This is a message that may not be there and that you cannot be sure is there. Love creates love in return. Keep loving her and it will go on growing between you as your lives go on. Express resentment now and that may grow instead. You sound like a good person who will do the right thing in the end. You do need not to act on your feelings. Don’t put pressure on your husband and make him have to divide his loyalties. because he will always have some resentment to you too if you make him do that. Don’t make your children feel they are being left out because that will make them feel insecure about their own worth. Check if they are invited tactfully without suggesting any blame. Go and be gracious on the day even if you feel a bit miserable. I think you can and will do this. It will be best for everybody including yourself. Good luck.

Crikey what a lot of judgmental people there are on here. Kamj I thought your post was perfectly reasonable and amazingly I was able to understand it

If I were you I would ask your SD without making a big thing of it but as you say your DH is handling it that’s that I suppose.

But I bet you’re sorry you asked now

If they are not invited, your step daughter is being mean. Is your DH paying for reception? If they are not invited I would be staying home to look after them.

Good luck op. Hopefully you’ll come back whenever to say it’s sorted and you have a great day to look forward to!