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Special guardianship of my step granddaughter

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Tipper Thu 06-Aug-20 08:05:32

Hi everyone,
I’m new to this only becoming a Nanny very recently. My dilemma is very sensitive but I’m completely torn.
My husband and I married 6 months ago, we are both 50 and work full time. My husbands daughter met a new man last year and VERY quickly was pregnant. It turns out the father is not a very nice person has been in jail several times for domestic abuse etc. Social services got involved and as soon as the baby was born she was taken into foster care. Social services has said that there are three possible outcomes
1. Baby goes back to parents (this doesn’t seem likely as they are not working well with S.S.)
2. Baby goes to responsible family member ( we are only option for this)
3. Baby gets adopted

My step daughter asked if we would take temporary custody of her daughter until she sorts herself out. I agreed wholeheartedly. Family is family right?
Anyway on having a viability assessment with social services it transpires that it won’t be temporary, we will be given special guardianship and parental responsibility until the child turns 18.
My dilemma is, I’m not sure I want to give up my whole future plans, my job, my financial security, my life for the next 18 years. I have been a mum for nearly 25 years and my youngest is 13 and very independent and I have just got to the stage where I can have some me time, I have got a job that isn’t the greatest but I enjoy going out to work. I’m being pressured to do it by my husband and my step daughters wider family but it’s only me that will be making all the sacrifices.
A big part of me feels like the baby would be better off adopted to a family who desperately want her. But if that happens none of us will ever see her again.
I want to do it because she is my husbands flesh and blood and I think if I don’t do it he will resent me and it will cause problems in our very new marriage but what if I do do it and I resent him for making me do it and that causes problems in our marriage. I tried to tell him how I feel but he can only see what is best for his relationship with his daughter (his only child). I need advice PLEASE!!!

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M0nica Mon 07-Sep-20 17:51:37

Nowadays it can be possible for an adopted child to continue to have contact with their birth family.

My personal opinion, and it is a personal one, others will disagree, is that unless someone else in this girl's birth family can step up to the mark, then it is probably best the child is adopted.

I think it way beyond acceptable for your husband, let alone his extended family, to expect you to give up your life to bring up his grandchild, where you are so new to the family and your marriage is so young and where his (and their) input into raising the child is obviously going to be minimal. As others have said, your step daughter's life is obviously chaotic and this child may be followed by others.

I think, no matter what decision you reach, it is going to be a make or break decision for your marriage, which is a tragedy. On the other hand, if your husband - and his family - are behaving with such little respect to you in this matter, the earlier you find out the better.

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Oopsadaisy4 Mon 07-Sep-20 18:24:00

OP updated on previous page

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GrannySomerset Mon 07-Sep-20 20:01:06

Just to add that we have two adopted grandchildren who are greatly loved by all our family. They have contact with some of their siblings but not their birth parents. When they are 18 they will have to decide whether or not they want that. Given the chaotic nature of their birth family I have absolutely no doubt that adoption was in their best interests and that they are getting the best possible start in life. Birth family is not necessarily the best thing.

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