Is fifty years not enough?

exactly Poppyred.

For doing the washing, making dinners, running a home for 50 years, for possibly picking up underwear off the floor, raising children, maybe while doing a full-time job - yes I think a small present is not too much to ask.

welbeck

see poet Henry Normal, scroll forward to 26 minutes,
www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/m000sj8s

Thank you for this.........very touching words

Chardy .........well said!

I wouldn't have expected him to do anything different if that's how he's always been. People show their love and appreciation in different ways. I think I might have given him the present. Not sure..

Chardy

For doing the washing, making dinners, running a home for 50 years, for possibly picking up underwear off the floor, raising children, maybe while doing a full-time job - yes I think a small present is not too much to ask.

That is a completely judgemental post. Has the husband contributed nothing?

I think I would have been open and said that our golden is coming up, I would really like to do something to mark it - what do you think?

We had talked about our 40th and organised a lovely day for everyone. We would have talked about the 50th I know, but sadly he died a few months before.

I wouldn't have expected anything but would have given my "special gift" as I bought it believing he would be happy to have it.
I don't understand the idea of trying to change things after 50 years. If you have had 50 good years, something is working.

I love my husband. We have been lucky to be married a long time and still have love and laughter. This is our gift to each other.

I’m sure it’s already been said, but it never fails to astound me, just how much emphasis people put on presents etc. We both came from families that did the dutiful thing, and it put us off. We both hate getting presents. Cards are quite nice as keepsakes, but eventually they all end up in the bin!

I would focus on the long happy? marriage, and that you have each other. Surely after 50 years, there’s nothing left to buy?

I’m sorry you felt hurt. Firstly, Congratulations on 50 years of marriage. How you feel here is all that really matters, not what other people feel about presents, celebrations etc. Ask yourself though, do you think he wanted to be hurtful or uncaring? Deep down you know he didn’t.. Could you tell him exactly how it made you feel, without anger or accusation, and ask yourself , if you know what he is like why did you not tell him in advance? Was it a test you set him? I’m not blaming you, it’s the kind of thing People do. He’s never going to change of his own accord so can you change your way of acting . Rather than being hurt and annoyed, which probably leaves him wondering what he has done as you never told him how his lack of thought made you feel, tell him up front how his actions make you feel. It is better to say how something makes you feel than to complain about something not being done. He will get defensive if you give out that he didn’t buy you a present but if you say how hurt you were that you felt unappreciated, that’s different, I sure he doesn’t want to hurt you. It really is not lack of caring that made him let you down (or if it was that’s a whole different story) ) rather, lack of understanding that something that didn’t mean much to him meant so much to you. Not only regarding gifts etc but life in general. So meanwhile, go and treat yourself, after 50 years of marriage, no matter how wonderful, you deserve it!

Quizzer, YABU! He doesn't 'do' special occasions and presents - so what? It's far more important that he's good on all the other days, surely?

I think men are just wired differently to women - sometimes it needs spelling out in black and white for them!

I agree with you although he is not being different to how he usually is. Still a little surprise wouldn’t have hurt.

This is what happened to my father-in-law. For their Ruby anniversary, he went to a huge amount of trouble (and expense) to get my MinL a beautiful gift which he thought she should appreciate. It was part of a collection she was collecting. It was also tailored to be relevant to 40 years. She barely even looked at it and I will never the forget the hurt in his eyes. I don't think he bothered again.

DC64 I think some women are obviously wired differently to other women as well.

I don't give a fig about cards and gifts.

Well, I have long since come to terms with the fact that if I want to celebrate my birthday, our wedding anniversary, DH's birthday , our son and DIl's ditto and Christmas and Easter then I jolly well get on and do so.

Fifty years of marriage is surely long enough to realise that you, like most of us, have married a man who has no idea when your birthday is, how old you are, when his own birthday is, or how long you have been married.

I know the disappointment of looking forward to a special day and then realising that DH has no idea that it means something to me, but why make life harder for myself by resenting this? Admittedly, it took me a long while to reason in this way, but it has made life easier.

Congratulations on your Golden wedding, but please do not tell your husband you sent his present back to the shop because he hadn't bought you anything but a card. I assure you, you will not feel better about it, if you tell him that.

My ex husband managed to send me a birthday card for our '15th anniversary. I got 16 red roses for our 16 th anniversary.

So many things bothered me about the original post and I am not sure how to say anything without seeming hard but I will give it a go
Firstly, he bought you a card, ok it wasn’t the one you expected but he acknowledged your anniversary, made the effort and got a card.
Secondly you admit that he is not good at buying presents, you know this about him, honestly why did you expect him to be any different this time. People don’t usually change after 50 years.
Thirdly if you really wanted this to be a special occasion could you have not told him you would like to go out for dinner or something or if covid prevented that tell him you would like a special meal at home and could he buy wine.
But honestly what saddened me the most was you bought him a gift but returned it to punish him. That really says a lot.
I myself have never understood the huge importance people place on single days, so much emotion wrapped up in one moment in time and most of the time someone is bound to be disappointed.

I think most men don't attach as much importance or meaning to anniversaries etc as many women do. To be honest, I don't either. DH and I stopped getting anniversary cards and presents for each other many years ago. We always remember and mention it but that's all. But we've been happily together for 40- odd years.

I guess that it would have been nice for your husband to have actually acknowledged the 50 years, but to many men, even going to the effort of actually remembering as well as buying a card would be enough!
Some of us are guilty of expecting them to be mind readers - if you haven't made a fuss of previous years, why expect him to treat this one any differently ?
I'd spend the money that you had refunded from his present on a spa day and order myself some flowers and tell him why!

If he’s always been like this then you’re being unreasonable to expect change now. I appreciate it’s upsetting - if you love someone then you should also show them love in the way they need to be shown it. I haven’t any patience with idea that because it doesn’t matter to you then it shouldn’t matter to your partner - that’s a selfish lazy way of loving - we’re all different in the way we need to be shown love. But if you’ve let him get away with this kind of behaviour for 50 years that’s entirely on you.
If it’s going to continue to bother you it’s not too late to have a heart to heart about this though. If you haven’t spelt out to him before how much you’d appreciate the occasional thoughtful gift from him then he may respond more positively than you think. It would be interesting to find out exactly why he doesn’t think he needs to mark occasions that matter to you so much.
My husband and I had to work on this - I had been getting upset that he didn’t initiate outings or give me flowers for special occasions but it turned out that I’d been overly critical in the past of things he had tried to initiate and it had put him off trying. Once we talked it over and he understood I’d just been worried because he was spending too much at a time when we couldn’t afford it he scaled his gestures back a bit and I could start enjoying what he initiated. It may be worth a talk now - hopefully you have years ahead of you to work on this.

When I was married it hurt a lot that my now ex disn’t bother much with cards and presents - especially the year he spent money we couldn’t afford to join an exclusive golf club and gave me a cheap box of chocolates on my birthday, when he got home from work.
My OH now is so different. I feel loved and cherished all the time. We do exchange presents, sometimes for no reason at all, but as for anniversaries we know it is some time in October so the date comes and goes without any worry about being offended or hurt.
A card or a present doesn’t mean anything if it is just a ritual event. What happens throughout the year is more important.

I didn't say he'd contributed nothing, kittylester

I’m talking of my own parents here, my dad (75) has been terrible for gifts, remembering dates, and over the years it has hurt my mum, when she compares to other women who are made to feel ‘special’ . Yet, she is always so optimistic snd says he’s always provided and been a real handy man around the house, saving them lots of money… they love their home, she knows he loves her for making sure he gives her the home she wants…New kitchen, or back breaking work to get rockery stones up to the garden etc etc Sometimes it doesn’t have to be cards/gifts if shown in other ways. I’m sure your husband loves you very much, maybe a little honesty with how you feel, may just make him realise he should show his appreciation sometimes. Us women, do expect men to be mind readers ?

I would have returned the gift I had bought too. Fifty years is amazing well done. I would book myself a lovely weekend away, go without him and say I need to recover from your insensitive behaviour.