Constantly feeling undermined by my husband

Thanks for all your comments, I feel much better now and will continue with my projects with more confidence.
Funny you should ask if he is an engineer, he did engineering and maths at Oxford! I did a CQSW at Middlesex Poly therein lies the answer I think. You are right it is a man thing, I wish my name was Emmeline.

Dear Florence and Aveline

If my DH did either of the things you describe, I would simply tell him that if he can do it better than me, then he can damn well get on with it.

Especially whilst hoovering up the Christmas tree needles!

Florence, if this is the only area of life where your DH undermines you, then he is probably jealous of how well you get on with the grandchildren.

It might help if you and he found some activities that he does alone with them.

If he has always had a tendency to undermine you, I don't suppose telling him how rude and inconsiderate this is, will do the slightest bit of good at this late date, but you could try it.

This year for the first time ever when we were putting up the tree, I told DH I could not be bothered with his usual complaints about the fairy lights. Either he just got on with it, or he let me do it, and made no comments about the result (which would have been awful if I had done the job).
IT WORKED he put them up without a single curse. Now why did I not try that simple remedy years ago?

Snap- and mine's an engineer too!
He's never wrong of course, so I just say thankyou for the help and I'll refer to the suggestions offered if needed.

Sometimes I ask for 'advice' before I start a task, which is often not required but it means he's been included to begin with and so can then go and do whatever he'd actually really prefer to be getting on with...

We've been married for over 40 years so I've probably had time to hone my husband usage skills

I’m no longer with my engineer husband, who used to undermine me constantly. Having said that ( and I did tell him so after we split up) I never appreciated living with someone who could fix everything. I sometimes longed to just buy something new but he just kept everything going forever, including a succession of old cars that were mechanically sound but horrible to drive.

Also married to an engineer, who thankfully doesn't offer assistance until requested. I am dyspraxic and often look so awkward and cack handed when I do anything that he actually cannot bear to watch me.

However I do aprreciate being married to someone who can fix almost everything and put his hand to any job, although he does hate plumbing.

The trouble with my engineer ex husband was that he was such a perfectionist it took him years to finish a project. By the time he’d converted the loft into a playroom for the kids they’d grown up and left home. He followed soon after ( although he still hasn’t grown up, bless him…)

Florence, he needs telling that he is spoiling the success of your project. I think you should tell him when you are alone together.
He is perhaps task- oriented as opposed to people- oriented, as many men are.

Sad to read this thread

If your husband is treating you this way that is wrong of him

But he can only treat you this way if you Allow it

You can put a stop to it, communicate with him how it is effecting you

If that does not work you have 2 choices choice No1 is leave because he is destroying you slowly but surely

Option No2 give him a bit of his own medicine and undermine him every opportunity you get so he knows wat it feels like and won't do it to you anymore