Funerals

Peasblossom

The dead don’t know, but the living do.

They know when the the person they looked to for love and support wasn’t there for them.

?

then the living shouldn't make it impossible for someone to attend the funeral if they want them there!

surely if her husband had wanted her support, he wouldn't have booked it on that day

Alternatively, her husband could have been struggling with the enormity of what he was having to sort out in the aftermath of his mother's death and maybe he wasn't thinking straight. Anyone who has been bereaved knows just how much there is to do, just at the time you're in a state of shock and trying to hold it all together - even if their loved one's death was expected. Just a thought.....

Razzy

I didn’t know the exact date when he asked me, I didn’t have my calendar with me, so we agreed to discuss dates. Never happened!

I agree with everything Allegretto says, especially as OP has said her husband did not in fact have that particular date in from of him as being inconvenient. .
Then again - an inconvenient date at work is hardly as significant as arranging the funeral of one’s own mother is it?
And I won’t even go into the thing about birthday drinks with girlfriends.

He didn’t know the day when he booked it.

The OP hadn’t let him know. Personally, I would have made accessing my calendar and informing him a priority, not have waited for him to initiate a “discussion”.

When parents died we both went to report the death. We could then decide funeral dates together. There is such a lot to get done in a short time. Difficult given the circumstances, and a little support and kindness goes a long way.

Precisely peasblossom

How about the financial impact?

What if OP loses her job and they need the money to pay the bills?
How about her career? Doesnt it also matter?

What if the daughter has an important exam/milestone in school?
How does it impact her grades?

I know I am assuming a lot of information

It is just an example of looking at a very short term event ignoring the whole picture - especially when compromised is refused and it does exist

Grief is in fact a factor here but it cannot dictate the family decisions.
He should go to gp, therapist, etc and address it

Family funerals do not make daily life and commitments disappear

I still don’t understand why the date cannot be changed. It’s the obvious solution.

Paddyanne and a few more following. Thank goodness for you I thought I’d lost the plot with what I was reading……. A mother dies and her son who is organising her funeral is castigated by his wife at the date that is inconvenient for her!!!!!
I hope my children and their partners won’t ever feel like this.

He should have just rearranged the date when it first became apparent you couldn't attend because of your work meeting. I understand he's lost his Mother and you don't necessarily act rationally but it would have been easier for him to reorganise the date sooner rather than later

If OP loses her job? You can’t be serious.

If you have a position of responsibility and an important meeting involving a lot of other people you can’t just take a day off unless for instance you have covid or are confined to the loo. I know that only too well, having had to arrange my mother’s funeral to fit in with the conclusion of a very important project I was working on which quite literally would have fallen apart and been incapable of being resurrected had I not put my responsibilities first. It’s said that no one is irreplaceable but in some situations that’s the case. Some posters don’t understand that kind of pressure or they wouldn’t talk of not putting work first or taking a day off sick. I fully understand OP’s situation and consider her husband is being extremely unreasonable in refusing to change the date of the funeral. I hope she can get him to change his intransigent stance.

Perhaps she should have told him the date in advance or gone with them. He might not have been thinking clearly.

What if OP loses her job and they need the money to pay the bills?

She'd take her employer to court for unfair dismissal.

How about her career? Doesnt it also matter

Why would taking a day off work, to attend her mother in law's funeral, impact on her career? She is entitled to annual leave. She can use that if necessary.

What if the daughter has an important exam/milestone in school? How does it impact her grades?

Razzle hasn't mentioned how old her daughter is but, here in the UK, there are no important exams until the summer term. Why would taking one day off school affect a term's grades? Its one day not a week, get a grip!

Grief is in fact a factor here but it cannot dictate the family decisions. He should go to gp, therapist, etc and address it

Maybe he will, once he's sorted out all the practical events that legally have to be completed before a funeral can take place.

I know I am assuming a lot of information

Yes you are.

So OP would have to go to court because her husband refuses to change a date.

Yes, very reasonable (sarcasm intended)

Oh dear oh dear.

Oh Chewie, taking a day off work can definitely impact on your career. You can’t just decide to have annual leave when it suits you regardless of pre-existing commitments.

Just to be clear, I told OH I would check the date. He went to work (his choice) and I presumed we would discuss the funeral, arrangements etc when he got home. That evening I told him the date and he told me he’d already arranged everything and it was that same date. He refused to change it or even discuss it. Then he said we will be going for 2 days and staying overnight. I know how hard it is, I have lost close friends and parents too, and done various arrangements.

Yes, but people don't tend to consult with you to check if its convenient that they die.

Thank you (and others) for common sense.
All this “what iffery” is verging on hysteria.
Yes, leavevof absence will be discretionary but that is a technicality, no decent employer would hold her to it.
She is not a High Court judge in a high profile trial or a brain surgeon as far as I know, and few people are indispensable .
Children’s grades not irrevocably blighted by a day or two off school - but why do I bother. Anything sensible , plus a lot that is not, has been said already.

Somebody's common sense is someone else's insanity

Indeed indeed

The op mentioned she works for ACAS an organisation which seeks conciliation between employers and employees so would imagine they might practice what they preach.

However to resolve this sorry saga by changing the date if possible might be worth trying,

I am very surprised that some posters are advising the OP that she needn’t go to the funeral however inconvenient the day may be. These family occasions are so important. Last year my DD lost quite a lot of money changing a flight so she could be at a family funeral. This gesture was her own idea and much appreciated by all involved.