Hen parties

My first hen do in the 80s was a pub followed by club where we met up with the stags (accidentally but I was thrilled to dance with my fiance).
My second hen do was a table in the VIP lounge, Ladies Day, at the races. I paid for my daughter, stepdaughter, niece and a friend who was brassic at the time. I also bought all the bubbly. It was quite expensive but most my friends could afford it. Interestingly, I was the only person who didn't win on any horse. Everyone else did. But I was a winner because I had a fab time before going on to marry my lovely husband.

Never hav understood these over the top hens and stag nights.
Yes you may want to celebrate your last months/weeks/days as a single person (so many are held waaaaay in advance) But the organisers need to think of the guests and their financial situation and it's often not the bride or groom that are organising it, but the last single friend they have that ahve no idea of the cost of the actual wedding!
I think your niece needs to have a quiet word with the bride herself and explain the situation and if the bride is any kind of friend, she will either call for a cheaper version (maybe niece and bride could just go out for a meal or have a pamper day together) or perhaps not mind so much if she doesn't go.
I bet if she asks around the rest of the group, that there are others that will struggle with the cost.

I think a whole weekend at a spa with close friends sounds brilliant. However if it was my wedding I would have a pre-planning “meeting” to ask my friends what they thought was reasonable in both cost and length of time, give them options and plenty of notice to save

Didn’t have hen parties in my day. 1940s. Or such elaborate weddings. The money went towards the. Deposit and furniture for the house. Didn’t feel less married.

It's up to your niece

My poor daughter has a friend getting married in July, she is lovely girl and in the past been very supportive of my daughter. They wedding should have been in June 2020 and my daughter was sad she couldn’t go to either hen party or wedding as her baby due May 2020. Then Covid after many postponements its July. Her friend so excited my daughter can now go to both. The hen party is in a large villa in Spain for a weekend, lots of activities and a meal at a very expensive restaurant. Its costing a fortune, then the wedding is over 2 days with the wedding on a Saturday then a day of activities and bbq on the Sunday. It all seems very over the top. The only good thing is we get to have our granddaughter for a whole weekend!

It does seem to be getting out of control especial if a group of friends get married quite close together. One of the main issues re putting pressure on all “Hens” to participate is if one drops out it puts extra expense on the others to contribute a higher amount.

Thankfully none of my children asked or organised hen dos or baby showers and hopefully none of the grandkids will get pulled into this daft mess either

Yes I do think it’s ridiculous. What also worries me is how difficult people find it to be direct and honest in these situations. You should be able to say that you can’t afford something without feeling embarrassed.

Some of these hen weekends really don't take into account the girls who are invited , either on a financial or interest level. We were in the Lake District last weekend. While walking round Derwentwater we passed a group of girls , obviously on a hen weekend (they had badges on). One of the girls was wearing a loose, baggy crop top, matching loose wide legged trousers and what looked like brand new trainers. All absolutely pristine white. She was obviously totally out of her depth and comfort zone. Needless to say, she didn't look happy. I really felt quite sorry for her.

Keeping up with the Jones... A current version. I suppose the wealthy instagrammers set the bar high. It is ridiculous.

I was telling my daughter the other day. We used to just have a few drinks together locally or at home. She’s been invited to three in one year where people have expected everyone to pay for a two or more day stay somewhere with added activities all costing in the hundreds. She had to say she was already booked for the last i]one because of the cost. It’s unfair, especially when people want to celebrate and may even feel obliged. Just another aspect of the wedding ‘industry’ we now have. Parents still paying for weddings sometimes after the couple has divorced!

Flaming cheek of that grasping bride! We used to just have a 'good night out' where we come from(north) even in my DD generation- a meal out maybe, a bit of a 'pub crawl' then on to a night club.taxis home.(a lá Gavin & Stacey)?. A few wanting to 'splash out' booked a limo or some such to take them place to place.There was a 'kitty' for drinks or we bought in rounds- or we all treat bride to drinks /meal- but nothing as grabbing & greedy as what the brides are demanding these days- yes of course they all want her to go- the bride will so shes getting it all free & paid for, and the other hens because the more of them go the less the ones who are going will have to fork out between them to pay for the grasping bride!! She needs to say no- as shes her own wedding to pay for! Id tell that greedy bride if she wants a spa etc she will have to bl**dy well pay for it herself! These dont sound like nice friends anyway, so she would hardly miss them at her own hen party or wedding! (And its less costs then for her own wedding!) ?

Absolutely not! You're right! This is getting well beyond a very unfunny joke! Who DO these wannabe bridezillas think they are? They're not footballer's wives/A Listers/the Richy rich listers.theyre working class (usually) lower earners( moneyed types simply don't spend!) And to expect their mates, some of them 'tenuous mates' to stump up on what in reality will be a mega hangover is selfish and ridiculous.the young lady in question does not need a so called friend like that either, I would politely decline on the grounds that I'd be busy nailing something sensitive to a pavement somewhere on that weekend............

My ‘hen’ night in 1972 was a night out with girl friends at Cinderella nightclub in Leeds, when Pete Stringfellow was the DJ. None of DSs or DiL have done anything more than a nice meal with friends.

Cossy

I think a whole weekend at a spa with close friends sounds brilliant. However if it was my wedding I would have a pre-planning “meeting” to ask my friends what they thought was reasonable in both cost and length of time, give them options and plenty of notice to save

I don't think it is all close friends though. It seems to be a mix of family, a couple of old schoolfriends, colleagues and a few random friends like my niece who will only know another former housemate, and slightly knows the bride's sister.
I imagine some of these weekends away can be very awkward - people who like lots of drinking versus people who are happy with a couple of glasses of wine, people who enjoy organised activities versus people who hate them, people who love clubbing and dancing versus people who would rather stick pins in their eyes.
And I do think the extroverts tend to dominate and make the quieter peop feel like wet blankets if they're not up for everything, downing lots of drinks, happy to dance until dawn etc.

Its not even good value either if there's still so much that they still have to pay for!

that is crazy! How to put pressure on a marriage before it evens starts by spending so much. I just wouldn't do it, I didn't when I got married but I am quite good at dissing stupid things like this

On the subject if Baby Showers I’ve been to a couple, all organised by the maternal grandmother, in families where christenings do not take place and I have to say I thoroughly enjoyed them ! We all took a small baby or mother to be gift and a contribution to the food or drink It was a lot of fun and I spent the amount as I would in a new baby or christening present. Another import from our American cousins I believe !

If the bride is a 'true' friend to you she should understand that, as you will be getting married soon yourself, that it is expense you cannot afford. It shouldn't change your friendship, and don't be swayed by others telling you it will. Put on your big girl's knickers and stick with 'NO'! Good luck.

Mummer

Actually I’ve been on gem nights with very monied brides to be and I think you’re being just a tad patronising to assume that the kind of people that do this are all “working class waanabees” with no class !! Seriously ….. I just think some people enjoy this kind of thing and some don’t - personally I don’t, but I do understand why some people do. I have a wide diverse cohort of friends, some “moneyed” some not and it’s just peoples preferences to be honest.

Sorry Hen not Gem !! Need an edit button please !!

If shes not that close to them then if i was her id just say no sorry im busy that weekend organising my own wedding (she can always make up a cake tasting or dress fittings she cant miss or something if she feels she needs to make up an excuse) Like someone else said, if that brides wedding doesnt go head, then all the hens have forked out for a very pricey free good time for her for nothing, that they can probably ill afford! ?

Hen, Stag, Baby showers, all ott these days. Spent with people who will be strangers to each other in a couple of years.

DS and DIL did go on a couple to the Med. I recall when unmarried young and" fancy free" ( does anyone still use that phrase) ?
Anyway, since marriage, a mortgage and all the other problems of beginning to make a life together, let alone children, they have simply said "No ".
Enough said in my view.