Funeral party gatecrashers

Stand your ground! And if the niece takes the hump and decides not to come, then how much of a loss would that be? You are unlikely by the sounds of it, to meet then again anyway.

As all above - stand your ground. I would also give a named list of those invited to the meal and request the restaurant to tick off as they arrive. Anyone not on the list to be refused to join the funeral gathering which then takes it out of your hands.
Sorry for your loss

I would go one further and actually withdraw the niece's invitation. What a piece of work! This further reinforces my plan to have no 'afters'. Sad for you over your Father's death. You certainly don't need\deserve this.

I agree with this - she obviously has no consideration for you.

My late mum used to describe some people as ‘professional mourners’. She wasn’t wrong.

I would uninvite them too, Jannabell
What a nerve. They can't have been that close if you'd never met them.

Gagagran , that's shocking!
I am

Agree with everyone else uninvited her Tell her the numbers have already been given to the restaurant and can’t be changed if she doesn’t wish to come without her son then so be it
Make sandwiches indeed ..cheeky mare

Urmstongran

I’d be tempted to ring her back and say ‘sorry but with hindsight I’m unhappy for you to attend after all. I’m upset enough as it is and your remarks have made me more so. Perhaps our paths might cross in the future at a different family gathering. Until then I wish you well”.

Cheeky mare.

... I agree. That would be an excellent way to disinvite her. Polite but pointed.

Her comment about sandwiches is just not on.

Dickens

Urmstongran

I’d be tempted to ring her back and say ‘sorry but with hindsight I’m unhappy for you to attend after all. I’m upset enough as it is and your remarks have made me more so. Perhaps our paths might cross in the future at a different family gathering. Until then I wish you well”.

Cheeky mare.

... I agree. That would be an excellent way to disinvite her. Polite but pointed.

Her comment about sandwiches is just not on.

definitely. you don't want someone like that across the table from you, esp at such a gathering.
you are the chief mourner. your word is law.
i wold put it in writing, to disinvite. either by letter or email.
or text message. don't tangle with her further by speaking.
and i wouldn't begin it by saying sorry.
i wish and yours all the very best.

Was your cousin close to your dad, Jannabell and would he have wanted her there? Is that why you invited her?She’s been very rude to you but that to me would be the decider. The son and wife could just go whistle.

I would uninvite her and suggest that she makes some sandwiches instead.

I agree with everyone, it is a very delicate situation not a party - more the merrier.

If i were in your place, i would firmly stick to my guns, no way would i be told that someone was coming who had only met my mum once, absolutely no way and if this niece - who you have never clapped eyes on - insists, tell her you have decided and thats that. Well, maybe not as stern as that, but i would certainly make it known that your plans have been made.

Awkward it may be BUT it isnt as if you're in regular contact with her.

I hope all works out for you, you shouldn't have all this anguish to contend with.

thank you all so much for your amazing support and kindness. I felt I had to ask her as she is his only contemporary relative left (he died at nearly 100, outliving all his siblings). I definitely won't allow her son and wife to come, and may even be brave enough to change the date so that she can't come either (she had phoned me originally to check it wasn't when she was going on holiday). I do like to be nice to people but I have had sleepless nights about this so you all have convinced me to stand firm. Thank you again

She does not get to demand, uninvite her. She is crass and rude. Disgraceful manners and very entitled.

Honestly if you were in a pub and a load of people in black all came in together, wouldn’t you make yourself scarce? Not them, they stayed and D2’s MIL (who had early onset Alzheimer’s) chatted away to them as she didn’t know who anybody was anyway

If the pub was still open to the public then you cant prevent uninvited people from coming in for a drink or expect them to get up and leave because a funeral party arrive. It would be different if you had hired the entire place or one of the bars as a private room.

biglouis

*Honestly if you were in a pub and a load of people in black all came in together, wouldn’t you make yourself scarce? Not them, they stayed and D2’s MIL (who had early onset Alzheimer’s) chatted away to them as she didn’t know who anybody was anyway*

If the pub was still open to the public then you cant prevent uninvited people from coming in for a drink or expect them to get up and leave because a funeral party arrive. It would be different if you had hired the entire place or one of the bars as a private room.

I read I that the people already at the restaurant were eating the food provided for the wake but didn't even know whose funeral it was - they just happened to turn up for free meal!

I If the pub was still open to the public then you cant prevent uninvited people from coming in for a drink or expect them to get up and leave because a funeral party arrive. It would be different if you had hired the entire place or one of the bars as a private room^

I thought it was obvious that
1) I know you can’t. It’s a small village pub
2) they were still made to feel welcome. and
3) perhaps their own sense of tact or sensitivity might have been the guiding factor

Was it so unclear?

In the village where I used to live one couple were well known for turning up to every funeral and staying at the gathering afterwards till every bit of food and (free) drink had been consumed. Mostly they were just a bit of a joke.

I did feel a bit put out though when people left the pub and they followed me and the close family back to my house. I said it was really just family but they said they’d stay till the end of the “party”.

To be fair they stopped off at the village shop and brought some crisps?

Here its normal for the minister to tell everyone at the service that the family will be going to X hotel after the crem/burial and anyone who wants to join them will be welcomed .We ended up with over 70 after my Dads and lots of folk who had worked with him for decades told us great stories about him that we hadn't heard .I didn't know it was a thing to have another meal after scattering ashes.....might need to rethink when we scatter my late MIL's ,is it invitation only?

paddyanne it is the same where I live in central Scotland. When dad died, it worried us as we weren't sure how many would turn up to the restaurant and if there would be enough food laid on. In the end, there were about 100 people. The family split up and we went round the tables thanking everyone for coming and heard lots of nice stories. My son, who was in his early twenties, did a lovely speech about his grandpa and we toasted his memory.
Mum has said that she wants buried not cremated and doesn't want anyone at her funeral nor a meal afterwards in her name. She's fallen out with most of her friends and family and doesn't want them getting a free feed at her expense ?. So I expect the immediate family will do what OP is doing and have a close family get together minus cousins etc

Oh my goodness Jannabell what a rude person to tell you to make sandwiches instead of providing the sit down meal you had decided on. Tell this woman that her son and wife are NOT invited and you will be continuing with your original plans. I should think you wish you’d never invited her as well.

I would contact the niece, (who couldn’t have been that close to your Father otherwise you would have met her), and tell her in the same manner that she spoke to you that she is not to attend and if she does show up, show her the door.

Who does this git think she is? Well, I'm half tempted to tell you to actually make sandwiches... for her and the gatecrashers. This is an event you are organising, so you get to say who comes and who does not. So, if push comes to shove, call her again and blame ME - tell her I said they can join you for coffee after, but not for the meal. If she gives you lip, well, then, tell her she may as well not come.

What a cheek, I would actually uninvite her and her husband as they are strangers to you anyway and it’s a celebration of your Father and you do not need the stress

Scavengers!

How rude and insensitive of the niece to demand her son comes to the restaurant too!
Bereavement is difficult enough without the added stress of freeloaders who in this case clearly just want to fill their faces.
I would uninvite the niece and make it clear to the restaurant exactly who is on the guest list.
Stay strong.