Funeral party gatecrashers

Sorry, but I find it just a little bit weird that this woman apparently related to you via your father, that to the best of your knowledge , rarely, if ever bothered to spend time with your dad, decides that she must be allowed to dictate who you should be allowed to invite to an occasion that will already difficult for you.
You will no doubt be reminiscing about your dad at the meal after, along with talking about family things that she will have no idea about!
I would be tempted to ask her straight out just why she thinks that she wants to be there anyway?
She already knows that you are paying for the meal, how about saying that unfortunately, things have changed and all of your guests will be paying for their own meals and see what her reaction is.
If she gets shirty again, just say that because of her attitude, that you find really upsetting after the recent loss of your much loved dad, and that you would rather she wasn't present at all.

Please Please stand your ground, bloody fecking cheek she`s got!

I read an article once about a woman who checked the obituaries in the local paper each week. Turned up at the funerals of strangers, went to the `do` afterwards to make herself up a doggie bag and then would clear off on her bicycle.

I would just say that sorry it’s by invitation only and therefore you will not be paying for her and her husband now nor anybody else that decides to invite themselves.
If they feel strongly they can organise something themselves afterwards

I’m sorry for your loss, but omg how disrespectful she is, like you not going through either as it is. I would just send message and say I’m sorry but I would prefer it if you didn’t come full stop as you are not listening to me and I don’t need added pressure at min. Or say change of plan it’s just going to be our children and grandkids only.

Funeral gatecrashing is definitely a thing. At my husband's wake almost 5 years ago there were several people I didn't recognise who were "filling their boots" at the free bar and buffet!! A few of my ex-colleagues who I hadn't seen for years, someone who apparently went to school with my husband, who I didn't know from Adam, and worst of all my son's ex wife and her parents, renowned for being as tight as they come showed up and freeloaded all afternoon and evening. I just don't know how people dare! My advice is to stick to your arrangements and to hell with what they think.

Some people really beggar belief. I work for a charity, one of our service users that I had been helping died. I quietly went along to his funeral to pay my respects, sat at the back and quietly slipped away when the service was over. I liked him and was really sorry that he died at a relatively young age, but I didn’t want to advertise that we had been helping him to maintain his privacy. I had an answer ready in my head just in case anyone asked about the connection, but was a bag of nerves through the service. How people have the sheer brass neck to attend the wakes of strangers is beyond me.

My mother had neighbours who would go to every possible funeral and eat lots of food. She used to moan to me about them.
When my mum died, because of family travelling, we had a meal before the funeral. They turned up at the funeral (hopefully starving) only to learn that they had missed the meal.
I got back into the funeral car smiling because my mum would have loved that!

We had similar problem. Hired a private dining room for sit down meal. Limited numbers but had others asking could they bring others. Explained not possible. I would hazard a guess your niece may want her son to attend if perhaps he’s driving her to the venue. Don’t be told what to do. People can be so rude.

Uninvite the niece. She's very cheeky and, under the circumstances, very insensitive.

First, I am so sorry for your loss.
It did occur to me that you said that she is a contemporary of your late father's. Is she very elderly and would she find it difficult to travel without support? Even if this is the case it does not excuse her rudeness of course but I know that as I get older I have to force myself to go to places on my own.

I'm surprised no-one's mentioned this:

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2008/dec/21/celebrity-victoria-coren

What a cheek. Stand your ground, your party. Tell them they can attend the funeral but bring their own sandwiches

Is this person close to 100 if she’s a contemporary of your Dad? Perhaps she needs a lift from her son. Even so he could drop her off, go elsewhere for a sandwich, then pick her up after. Very tactless if she’s suggesting you change your plans to suit her.

Gatherings immediately after a funeral are often more flexible but if you are scattering your Dad’s ashes and made it clear it’s by invitation, she should accept your decision.

My Dad and SM lived in a sheltered housing apartment. There were three elderly ladies who attended every event and funeral tea, saying quite gleefully that they put 20p in the RAF benevolent fund between them. They were referred to as The Coven.

Have you read ‘ The Black Dress’ by Deborah Moggach ? …..

Ditto to what Urmstormgran suggested.

Sorry for your loss - Tell her you need to re-book and then just go ahead with your,and your Father's nearest loved ones - grandchildren and great - children.

Unfortunately a lot of people show their true colours at a funeral and their are a lot of people who also love going to the opening of an envelope especially a funeral. In the past 8 years we’ve lost 8 very close family members. I’m not of the mind we haven’t seen so & so for years so it would be lovely to see you at mums funeral etc. I’m afraid I’m more of the mind if you didn’t see them in life you certainly don’t bother in death, a bit like flowers really. So at my step father’s funeral we kept it small and suffered the sandwiches and drink at my Mums with his families lot from donkeys years ago who he hadn’t seen for over 40 years, I swore then never again when they all the clingons crawled out the walls for the food and drink and nosiness (who’s getting what after) and I swore never would I allow that to happen again. When mum passed I sent ‘private invitations’ to the people she would of wanted at her service and once that was over myself, DH, DS and his wife went to a little Italian restaurant in the next village for a meal and raise a glass to my DM. It was much nicer and much less stressful, I have no idea what the other people did who were invited to DM service afterwards which included my own DS and her family nor quite frankly did I care.
If I were you I would either re arrange it for when you know said niece is on holiday and only tell her it had to be changed (you don’t need to give a reason, non of her business) 2 days before it was due to happen or I would bring it forward by a week or few days and then tell her your not well etc and meal will be held at some stage later. Please do not let a niece you haven’t even met dictate to you who is going to your own fathers wake. I’m so sorry for your loss.

Just say no, it's a private family party and you are inviting people who were close to him

I agree she has been pretty rude. Funerals are so open to this sort of thing. I suppose she is related by blood to your father - so although not having had much to do with him, she maybe feels she should be there. Is her motivation simply greed? Or is her motivation that she would like to join up at last, with her extended family?

You should stick to your guns and go with what you want.
I did once attend the funeral of a contemporary of my (now deceased) parents as the children of said person and I had played together etc. I hadn’t seen them for many years but wanted to pay my respects. I went to the gathering afterwards which turned out to be in a large tea room. It never dawned on me that the ‘afterwards’ was a seated and counted affair, I think it was embarrassing for both the family and me but I have always understood funerals to, legally, be ‘public’ events - which is what, in part, makes the catering so difficult

Like the majority of posters I would also suggest cancelling your niece's invite- easy to say but maybe this isn't in your nature, so would be difficult or impossible to actually carry out. Do you have a family member or a close friend who can cancel the invite for you? You really don't need to have such a rude and distant relative at the meal, her very presence could spoil this day for you.

It sounds like the niece herself wasn't that close to your Father - having never met her yourself.She not only sounds like a free-loader - in that she is comfortable bringing uninvited others to a meal paid for by yourself but rude and insensitive.In your time of grief - do not be dictated to by rarely seen,and quite obviously not very nice,extended family.Celebrate your Father's life with your close family - if she wishes to pay respects - let her do so - visiting Remembrance gardens/donating to charity etc are amongst other ways to do this.I think she is being incredibly insensitive.Sending love.

Took my breath away reading this post. There is entitlement these days but this goes way way beyond. I go with all who propose telling her you gave made arrangements and you are sticking to them. Would even say you had considered not inviting her as you felt the occasion should only be for those who actually knew your Dad not just knew of him. Your loss is sad enough without having to deal with such an inconsiderate person.

petera
You beat me to it.
Can't believe it was written in 2008.
Sign of getting old I think.

What you have organised is a private event by invitation the niece's son and wife were not invited by dint of her behaviour I would uninvite the niece even if it meant changing the day or time Sorry for your loss