Funeral party gatecrashers

@Grannynannywanny
That was really sweet of them. An Irish friend of mine said that in the small close knit community her parents lived in, people Wouid listen to the local radio for announcements of wakes and rock up often not have ever even met the deceased.
She said the funeral home where her father was laid to rest was attached to the pub and although they hired the room in the pub there were several free loaders just in it for the buffet.
So least you were given an invite lol ?

My sons wake was held in a pub which was he’s local. We had quite a number of people come from my sons cricket team! Friends he grew up with, family a few cousins. it was a memorable day and family still talk about it.

100% agree with * GrammyGrammy*. Funerals became invitation-only during lockdown and it’s time to let that go. A friend left comments cards on seats at her father’s funeral and said she had never heard many of the stories about her father written on those cards, she was so pleased. Many people must have enriched your father’s life, and vice versa, who had nothing to do with you, it would be kind to welcome them. The niece is right- it’s not the slap up meal that’s important, it’s the shared memories of your father. Also it might be that they have health issues, as they are not young, so DS has offered to accompany them. In this case they probably need a friendly face with them as well.
That said, I am really sorry for the loss of your father.

Not putting too fine a point on it ,tell her to sling her hook! He's your pa and you call the shots!! Cheek! If she's so bent on attending tell her it's on the day after , then she can visit him in terra!

OR......tell her that no more can be added to food list and she can bring her own butties! OR ......you can simply say "NO"!

GrammyGrammy

This post and the comments make me so sad. He lived a long life and there are people in his family and life that you don't know of. This is his siblings child and yet you haven't included them fully and want to exclude his other relatives who want to be there. These things should not be 'invitation only'. It is not about you or about exclusivity but about the deceased and the inclusion of all who knew them and wish to pay respects and be a part of his story for a final time. Her saying "make sandwiches" is another way to say- the posh meal is unimportant- including all family who wish to be there, is important. This is the first generation who see a death as all about them. It is not. It's about others too. Wider family matters less to people nowadays than ever before but that does not make it right or less hurtful to treat a niece and her son in this dismissive manner. I seem to be the only poster here who thinks you are completely out of order. Include his family and friends and don't exclude people. It is not just about you. Sorry for your loss, I truly am- but open you heart to others who shouldn't have to justify how close they were to him, to you! This behaviour is very cruel of you.

Cruel?? Did you actually read the OP or just the comments and then decide to put your unwanted boot in?

It’s not a flipping Funeral! That has clearly already happened. ??‍♀️

This is about the scattering of the father’s ashes which traditionally is only ever attended by the immediate close family, unless you’re about to tell us that everyone and his dog should be invited to watch the spectacle?

OP, please hold firm and uninvite the niece. You owe her nothing. She clearly wasn’t particularly close to your father if you’ve never met her after all these years and scattering his ashes is something that is personal and you should do with only those people closest to you, not necessarily your dad.

what a brilliant article!

While the funeral service itself is usually considered open to all, any subsequent reception or ash scattering etc is usually invitation only. They'll hate you for it of course but you are perfectly within normal rights to say no.

Craicon

GrammyGrammy

This post and the comments make me so sad. He lived a long life and there are people in his family and life that you don't know of. This is his siblings child and yet you haven't included them fully and want to exclude his other relatives who want to be there. These things should not be 'invitation only'. It is not about you or about exclusivity but about the deceased and the inclusion of all who knew them and wish to pay respects and be a part of his story for a final time. Her saying "make sandwiches" is another way to say- the posh meal is unimportant- including all family who wish to be there, is important. This is the first generation who see a death as all about them. It is not. It's about others too. Wider family matters less to people nowadays than ever before but that does not make it right or less hurtful to treat a niece and her son in this dismissive manner. I seem to be the only poster here who thinks you are completely out of order. Include his family and friends and don't exclude people. It is not just about you. Sorry for your loss, I truly am- but open you heart to others who shouldn't have to justify how close they were to him, to you! This behaviour is very cruel of you.

Cruel?? Did you actually read the OP or just the comments and then decide to put your unwanted boot in?

It’s not a flipping Funeral! That has clearly already happened. ??‍♀️

This is about the scattering of the father’s ashes which traditionally is only ever attended by the immediate close family, unless you’re about to tell us that everyone and his dog should be invited to watch the spectacle?

OP, please hold firm and uninvite the niece. You owe her nothing. She clearly wasn’t particularly close to your father if you’ve never met her after all these years and scattering his ashes is something that is personal and you should do with only those people closest to you, not necessarily your dad.

thank you Craicon for your response to that post, I have never been cruel to anyone in my life and am hurt that someone thinks I am. If I was then I surely wouldn't be asking for advice.

GrammyGrammy scattering of the ashes is completely different to the funeral service which may have included wider family, friends and work colleagues. Of course, in the past couple of years numbers may have been limited.

Jannabell is kind enough to invite her father's niece (her cousin) and husband even though they weren't close - never even met! - and now the niece is abusing the hospitality offered by Jannabell by wanting to extend the invitation to her own family.

Not cruel nor out of order at all, Jannabell.
If your cousin had been close to your father you'd have known her. Being a blood/close relative doesn't mean someone is close emotionally.

I agree with everyone too!! Please stick to your guns, As if you haven't got enough to worry about. She's really rude. Sorry to hear about your father. Hope you are OK.

The gall and lack of empathy ...I wouldn' t want her there now. Just say that you' ve had to change plans and unfortunately there' ll just be immediate familt in the end, but you look forward to meeting her and her famiky at the first part. Then she can make her own sarnies and eat them with her children wherever she fancies. Win win.

justwokeup

100% agree with * GrammyGrammy*. Funerals became invitation-only during lockdown and it’s time to let that go. A friend left comments cards on seats at her father’s funeral and said she had never heard many of the stories about her father written on those cards, she was so pleased. Many people must have enriched your father’s life, and vice versa, who had nothing to do with you, it would be kind to welcome them. The niece is right- it’s not the slap up meal that’s important, it’s the shared memories of your father. Also it might be that they have health issues, as they are not young, so DS has offered to accompany them. In this case they probably need a friendly face with them as well.
That said, I am really sorry for the loss of your father.

This is not a funeral.

I understood that the scattering of ashes is normally a rather private and highly personal event usually attended by close family members on invitation.

If the host is paying for a meal afterwards, surely those invited should not take it upon themselves to extend further invitations to others without at least asking the host - not as this niece did, by telling her that she would also be bringing along her son?

And the comment about the sandwiches was just plain rude. That is not the way you talk to someone who you've never met but who has included you in the invitations.

Jannabell has decided on this celebration for her late father, and it's not up to anyone else to tell her how she should have gone about it. She probably knows better than anyone else that the "posh" meal is not the most important point, but that's the form she's decided it will take, and she has every right to do so, and doesn't need others pointing this out to her.

Grandmaman

Have you read ‘ The Black Dress’ by Deborah Moggach ? …..

???

Having been in this situation you have my condolences, my sister handled ours called said person 2days before day saying room had been double booked and would get back to her then blocked number . We never heard from her again her relationship to my mum, she was the daughter of a second cousin.

A wake after a funeral service is surely different to an event of scattering the ashes?

I am totally gobsmacked that any one would have the gall to intrude in such a manner;
Tell her to go and take a running jump for herself ;
YOU have enough on your plate ,
May your Dad rest in peace ?

Dickens perhaps justwokeup hadn't read the OP or the thread properly so didn't understand what it's all about.

Best not to criticise, justwokeup, if you didn't understand the problem.

Dickens

justwokeup

100% agree with * GrammyGrammy*. Funerals became invitation-only during lockdown and it’s time to let that go. A friend left comments cards on seats at her father’s funeral and said she had never heard many of the stories about her father written on those cards, she was so pleased. Many people must have enriched your father’s life, and vice versa, who had nothing to do with you, it would be kind to welcome them. The niece is right- it’s not the slap up meal that’s important, it’s the shared memories of your father. Also it might be that they have health issues, as they are not young, so DS has offered to accompany them. In this case they probably need a friendly face with them as well.
That said, I am really sorry for the loss of your father.

This is not a funeral.

I understood that the scattering of ashes is normally a rather private and highly personal event usually attended by close family members on invitation.

If the host is paying for a meal afterwards, surely those invited should not take it upon themselves to extend further invitations to others without at least asking the host - not as this niece did, by telling her that she would also be bringing along her son?

And the comment about the sandwiches was just plain rude. That is not the way you talk to someone who you've never met but who has included you in the invitations.

Jannabell has decided on this celebration for her late father, and it's not up to anyone else to tell her how she should have gone about it. She probably knows better than anyone else that the "posh" meal is not the most important point, but that's the form she's decided it will take, and she has every right to do so, and doesn't need others pointing this out to her.

Thank you Dickens, we have had the cremation, this is a separate close family affair, I should never have invited her, but thought it was a nice thing to do. My father hadn't seen her for 60 years until she turned up at his care home unannounced.
My confidence has been restored and I will definitely uninvite her. I have serious health issues and do not need to indulge her sudden wish to be part of my family all of a sudden. I wanted to do a nice lunch as that is what my father would have wanted, the same as we had for all his important birthdays. He was a lovely man.

Jannabell

I hope the day goes well for you and the family, and that you all share some lovely memories of your late father.

If you have health issues, you don't need this additional stress. Now your confidence is restored somewhat, try to put the unfortunate incident out of your mind and don't let it keep you awake at night. Rely on your instincts. This, too, shall pass...

xx

^Where there's a will there's a relative' came to mind.

I have to say that if these gatecrashers had any feelings for your father, wouldn’t they have visited him when he was alive ? My OH’s step daughter and her son used to see him before he retired from his well paid job. After that, when they couldn’t ‘borrow’ from him, there was no contact. Maybe your extended family think there is property to inherit?

When my mother died, for this very reason, we only informed people who actually knew her well of the funeral time. The funeral guests were told of the after gathering at the actual funeral and the death notice went in the paper after the event. People like this niece are unthinking and callous and if it were me I would be firm and say no , you are totally allowed to do that

With their attitude you wont care if they never speak to you again. My solution would be to pick 2 of the biggest strongest and hopefully hard looking (get the dark shades on) men of your own group and they can stand at the doorway to the lunch venue. Then they can politely greet real frfiends and family and close ranks with the rude and selfcentred person arrives and just say , this is for invited guests only. and DONT say sorry it is for guest only , but look serious, block any moved for her to try to enter , and suggest before hand to other mourners that they just go in without speaking to them. Being ignored and blocked should get the message across. If you have a couple of quite nimble women , so that if they do get entry to the lunch place every time they go towards a seat block them and put your hand on a seat each time. Then whatever she managed to do even if she sits down at a seat, if you all ignore her and speak over and round her, the message should be clear. If she speaks directly to you, turn your head and speak to a different person. No response is the most effective, and less likely to cause you more upset. If this seems too strong or difficult to do, at least keep in your mind that this will be th last time you need to see or hear from her for the rest of your life. Why should you and the rest of your invited guests have to waste time and effort on such people. You have every right to do what you feel is the most appropriate and suitable at this time. Dont let her ruin or take over the occasion, or it will become a source of upset and when you think of the funeral more of you attention on what she did and did not do and that is not what you want to be left with as a lasting memory. I do hope that you are able to have the kind of occasion that you feel is the way you want to remember your father and not her ignorant and unfeeling behavior. I hope that you will be able to have some of the day in the manner you wanted. If it doesnt work out, then I would keep the occasion as short as possible and then the next day or so you can go back and have some private time with maybe one friend so that that time belongs to you.

Why on earth would anyone treat another human being, let alone an elderly family member, like that?

I’m sure the OP would do nothing of the sort.