Funeral party gatecrashers

You should tell them firmly but politely that it is ONLY for close friends and family. What is it with people trying to take over these occasions? My OH passed away earlier this year and his stepdaughter from many years ago and her appalling family of hangers on suddenly decided that it was THEIR place to organise his funeral -(but not pay for it , of course !) - and have been making my life hell. They were rude and abusive to my chosen funeral directors to the extent that it almost became necessary for them to involve the police as they laid siege to the chapel of rest on the day of the funeral and after the service they had to be escorted out as their behaviour was so unseemly and somewhat threatening. I have never liked going to funerals -who in their right minds does?- and I can’t understand why there is such a clamour from the world and his wife to gatecrash these occasions. Stand firm. It’s what YOU want that counts now. Good luck !

I think if it was me and I had never met them, I would withdraw my invitation. Let's face it, you are not duty bound to invite anybody and she can always arrange her own memorial if she really feels that strongly about it. I am assuming her parent know nothing about her sense of entitlement and would not take umbrage but the bottom line is that I would not be changing the arrangements. She has an entitlement to decline the invitation, not organise the gathering.

Did she say well, make sandwiches instaed or misspell - we'll make sandwiches instaed...? If the former, do uninvite her to the meal at least.

Scattering ashes I feel is not like a funeral where people far and wide can share memories of the departed, it private and personal. Its a shame that there has been ill feeling around this and clearly her rudeness has upset you. But you know what. Life is short and she was included in the invite so perhaps she feels awkward about coming on her own and wants support from her own son. I would say let her come and welcome her son and his wife on the proviso that each pay for their meals and drinks. Please don't upset yourself.
Some of the funeral gatecrash stories have made me smile and it beggars belief doesn't it? I once worked evenings with someone who went to everyones funeral that attended her church including those she really didn't know at all and simply saw it as supporting the family in their grief. She went to every wake and would take tupperware to put food in to take home and then bring it to work for her supper. She was absolutely shameless .

I’d just take a couple packs shop bought sarnies and put them where they sit with place names at their seats! Awful people!

I hope day goes well for you and your family

icanhandthemback

I think if it was me and I had never met them, I would withdraw my invitation. Let's face it, you are not duty bound to invite anybody and she can always arrange her own memorial if she really feels that strongly about it. I am assuming her parent know nothing about her sense of entitlement and would not take umbrage but the bottom line is that I would not be changing the arrangements. She has an entitlement to decline the invitation, not organise the gathering.

The niece is a contemporary of the deceased person and he was almost 100 years old when he died. So her parents are not likely to be alive.

Maybe say of course can come to ash scattering it would be lovely to see them, add that infact what you ment was, your paying for your children and grandchildren, if she wants to pay for her children and her family? It’s not ideal but the whole situation doesnt sound good. Or you just pay and enjoy the day remembering your father. Depends if you have the funds really to what you decide.

Jannabell

Your father was almost 100! Wow!

I hope it's a wonderful celebration.

If niece comes - arrange for her to have a plate of sandwiches.

Jess20

Did she say well, make sandwiches instaed or misspell - we'll make sandwiches instaed...? If the former, do uninvite her to the meal at least.

Now there’s a thought, Jess20.

What an insensitive madam at such a sad time for you. You tell her the arrangements are all sorted, you are not changing them for anyone and she doesn't have to go if she's not happy.

This post and the comments make me so sad. He lived a long life and there are people in his family and life that you don't know of. This is his siblings child and yet you haven't included them fully and want to exclude his other relatives who want to be there. These things should not be 'invitation only'. It is not about you or about exclusivity but about the deceased and the inclusion of all who knew them and wish to pay respects and be a part of his story for a final time. Her saying "make sandwiches" is another way to say- the posh meal is unimportant- including all family who wish to be there, is important. This is the first generation who see a death as all about them. It is not. It's about others too. Wider family matters less to people nowadays than ever before but that does not make it right or less hurtful to treat a niece and her son in this dismissive manner. I seem to be the only poster here who thinks you are completely out of order. Include his family and friends and don't exclude people. It is not just about you. Sorry for your loss, I truly am- but open you heart to others who shouldn't have to justify how close they were to him, to you! This behaviour is very cruel of you.

I inadvertently gate crashed a funeral meal a few years ago in Ireland. We were travelling in a family group of 4 in a very remote part of county Kerry. My Dad needed a toilet and we pulled over at a very small pub in the middle of nowhere which didn’t have a single customer. We ordered a drink and 10 mins later a group of about 30 mourners piled in and filled the tiny pub. We lifted our coats to apologise and head off but they wouldn’t hear of it. The elderly man whose wife had just been buried was adamant he’d like us to stay. He said there was a big pot of Irish stew about to be served and more than enough to go round. We had a lovely couple of hours chatting to total strangers.

That’s a lovely story grannynannywanny and reflects many of my own wonderful experiences of Irish friendliness and hospitality.
I do feel that it would be kinder to include those who would like to pay their respects to your father Jannabell, try to let go of your feeling of anger and be the bigger person.

What a cheek! They are just scrounging a free meal. I know someone who goes to any funerals, just for the funeral tea. She will gatecrash any funeral. She checks upcoming ones on line. She goes up to the grieving next of kin and talks in glowing terms about the deceased , claiming to be an old friend. (I was at the funeral of a friend when she turned up and did this.)She also scours the houses for sale and books visits to properties, just to look at them.This family sound like a set of scroungers too.

please stand firm - you will regret it otherwise

Spinnaker

As all above - stand your ground. I would also give a named list of those invited to the meal and request the restaurant to tick off as they arrive. Anyone not on the list to be refused to join the funeral gathering which then takes it out of your hands.
Sorry for your loss

I heartily agree with Spnnaker.

You most certainly did not need this kind of rudeness right now.

So sorry for your loss.

Stick to your guns .
Don't give in to this type of blackmail /guilt trip .
You are paying for it .
It's not a freebie for hangers on .

And even if she says that she's not coming and you are off the Christmas card list .
Say that's fine with me !
Thank you for showing your true colours !!!

We had a very expensive wake a few years ago with unlimited drinks at the bar .

I was sickened by the ruthless greed of some so called friends .They'd just come to drink as much as possible .One of them phoned to ask if my father was still alive as they didn't know whether to send cards anymore .

Last year ,they sent an old card which had the original sender's name crudely cut off .
They always were mean and scheming .

JannaBell,
It was so nice of you to invite them, how dare they put the onus on you to alter your arrangements or to be made to feel bad if you don't. Nope, sorry, you stick to your guns, that 'Celebration' of your Dad's life should be for YOU and his Grandchildren, not people who had seen him once. Say you're sorry, it was only his immediate family and numbers have been strictly booked. If they don't want to come, that's their problem not yours.

I agree with Yammy - say you've had a rethink, and it's close family only - that means close to you - people you've actually met. Wonder why you invited her in the first place?

I am actually gobsmacked that an advertisement on gransnet.com for a medical body bag is placed on a forum concerning a funeral. Talk about rubbing it in!

This post and the comments make me so sad. He lived a long life and there are people in his family and life that you don't know of.

I agree. That’s why I asked the OP whether her dad would have wanted the niece there and whether he was close to her, GrammyGrammy.

Because of big age gaps in my family, my parents would certainly have had nieces and nephews born long before my time that they may well have been close to. I would have been touched if they’d been around and wanted to pay their respects. Whether I had met them or not is immaterial.

Stick to your guns after all it's very unlikely you will ever see her again

Uninvite and say the dates changed. You’ll will most likely never see her again anyway so no matter.

So sorry for your loss.
What a cheek! Like others have suggested tell her the plans have changed and she can come to the graveside with her own sandwiches.

Omg what a cheek! You’d imagine she’d realise that you’ve lost your father and how you want to honour his life and who with us entirely up to you! It’s not about what she wants !
I’d get an assertive family member to deal with this situation for you and put her straight. You shouldn’t have to deal with any selfish drama after losing your Dad.
My deepest sympathies X