Smoking in your 70s

I've never smoked and neither does my husband. Sadly, I agree with Monica. Though knowing what a horrible illness COPD is, Im amazed your husband can stand the vaping! If it is really having an effect on your health, you may need to ask him to move out, or, could you ask your doctor/consultant to talk to him? Explain the damage this is doing? Sorry to hear about your ill health and good luck to both of you. I hope you can find a solution.

My husband cannot/will not cut down on his smoking and he smokes roughly20 a day. He has COPD and despite being advised not to smoke he continues to do so. I cannot understand this especially as he has a lung problem. He smokes in his bedroom at night and the ash drifts down outside and the windowsill below is scarred with cigarette burns. As has previously been said this is so expensive.

I have left a partner who went back to smoking. It is totally non negotiable with me.
It is affecting your health so why oh why are you putting up with it?

I smoked from the age of about 14 or 15 years. Cigarettes were almost a 'fashion accessory' back then. As I grew older I wanted to stop - and did so - every morning until about midday when I started again!!!!

I did stop each time I was pregnant, but when my third baby was born, I decided to stay a non-smoker. Yes, it was tough - no help back then. But each time I fancied a ciggie, I looked at my small children and they were incentive enough for me not to light up.

15 years later I was extremely ill in ITU following surgery. My teenage children were told to say 'Goodbye' to me each time they left the hospital. My oldest daughter (just turned 18 yrs old), was the one having to sign forms for me to have further surgery, etc. She was told by the ITU Consultant that it was very fortunate that I was (by then) a non-smoker - as if I was one, that would have been the final straw and there would have been little chance of me surviving.

I agree that being a recovered smoker - it is now fifty years ago that I had my last cigarette, does make me more anti-smoking than, maybe, others who have never partaken.

NannaChirley, do you think you'll want to care for this man, when (as seems likely) he becomes completely disabled by illness, due to his smoking? If not, then maybe it's time to end the relationship?

If he can afford it hypnotherapy works. My brother was struggling to give up - 2 hours and £240 later he has stopped. He says it's like he has never ever smoked and isn't the slightest bit tempted. You can DM me if you want the contact details.

NanaChirley, I was a smoker for nearly fifty years. Tried everything to give up. Then I developed asthma and knew I had to do something so I signed up to a no smoking course at my GPS and was prescribed Champix. It was a revelation. You continue to smoke for a week whilst at the same time taking the tablets but at the end of that week you stop smoking but continue with the tablets. I stopped wanting a cigarette before the week was up. The course lasts twelve weeks and you visit the surgery every two weeks for a chat and a carbon monoxide test. I’ve never wanted a cigarette in the six years since. It’s worth getting your partner to try this and tell him it’s his last chance or it’s over between you. Good luck.

If he's right for you in every other way, perhaps you need to go to "Relate" and have it out with a third party present to rationalise it all for you both. (Not sure if Relate still exists, but a marriage guidance counsellor is what I mean as this situation needs resolving).

I’m in the process of trying to support a friend who was widowed 8 months ago. She is an addicted smoker and in the 2 hours I’m there with her she manages to smoke 4 ciggies! She insists that she smokes only 100 per week….. or 5 packs , which is rubbish , as I know she buys a hundred on Fridays and is first in queue on a tues/wed for a 100 more….I figure that at roughly £12 per pack to be about 8-9 packs a week! That equates to £100 per week! She will constantly deny this. She has £157 pension per week….. she doesn’t eat , only one ready meal per day , and if I go up ….usually 2-3 times a week., I take in some lunch ( home made sandwich usually) which she pounces on. Smokers are in total denial about their habits and you’ll never change them. Not one of my family smokes NOW, I never did, so I’m lucky. My son is the only one in my family smokes…… I have begged….. bribed…… cried…… thrown a mum tantrum…. to try at 41 to get him to stop! He lives alone and he isn’t a heavy smoker , but it’s a worry. I go to his flat and it NEVER smells of cigs…. he or his clothes never smell of cigs either! I do not know how you stand it! I have reluctantly given my widowed friend an ultimatum …. stop smoking while I’m there with her or I stop going to her house!! She’s ‘thinking ‘ about it!

Yes, it's an addiction - so what?? People give up cigarettes EVERY DAY - it's not easy but it is possible (and there's lots of help available on the NHS). You find it unpleasant. Your doctor has told you not to live with a smoker. The nicotine will linger on him and around him, even when he's not smoking - so you could easily be inhaling it. If he doesn't love you enough to stop, then you have to make some tough decisions. (My Dad smoked all his life; even after Mum was diagnosed with asthma; he then "only" smoked in the garden or the garage in winter, but after he finally gave up - after a stroke - we all noticed that her asthma got a lot better; the house smelt a lot better too). Stop fooling yourself. You either care about your health or you don't. He clearly doesn't.

PS As othes have said, the chances are that he will end up disabled by a smoking-related illness - strokes, vascular illnesses including brain damage, vascular dementia, heart disease, lung cancer (and cancers in general are more common amongst smokers). He will, of course, expect you to become his carer. How will you feel about your life being taken over by his needs when you have pleaded with him for so long to give up smoking? You need to come to a decision now, not when it happens. For a list of the health risks of smoking, this is eye opening - not only for the smoker but passive smokers too www.nhs.uk/common-health-questions/lifestyle/what-are-the-health-risks-of-smoking/

Well you either live with him or you don't. No one is perfect, we all have faults. He's not going to stop so either accept him or not (I wonder what your faults are?)

YANBU. He did break his word to you about giving up vaping within six months, and he must know his smoking affects your health. It sounds like he is in denial, so an ultimatum just might help, if it brought him out of denial. You would have to mean it, though. Only you can know which seems better to you, living with him and the smoke and its health consequences, or without him and in different circumstances (but not caring for him if he becomes more ill).

If he has already got health problems then I think he will be counting on you to take care of him when his health worsens. What happens when he is stuck indoors and is still smoking?

Giving up smoking is so difficult and I had many attempts. I read Alan Carr’s book about giving up and this did make a difference. On one occasion I had no difficulty and at other times it was almost impossible. It’s not the giving up it’s the staying off them that has been my problem. Cigarettes have been my go to at times of extreme stress.

Maybe you could suggest he starts giving up by vaping only and outside in the garden. This would start to make your life a little easier. Going to non smoking clinic could help but only if he wants to. It’s impossible to force someone and they have to make up their own mind to give it a go. My giving up mechanism was nicotine gum and now I’m addicted to chewing which is also a rather unpleasant habit. I’m going to replace the gum with chewing gum and then hopefully dump that as well.

I can’t help you with your dilemma but I feel for you. The smell of cigarettes and vaping is now absolutely horrible to me. What’s worse I’d tell him that he is damaging your health. Maybe this would be a discussion to be had. I used to tell my DH how concerned I was about the amount he was drinking. He cut down significantly so I left it at that. Unfortunately that can’t be done with smoking.

I wish you all the best whatever you decide to do or however you decide to approach him.

If tobacco was discoverer now it would be treated as an illegal substance, basically its drug misuse that's how I feel about anyone who cannot give up the horrible stuff. Of course you'll feel torn about leaving or separating but he could be affecting your health. False promises, are they worth it?

If the problem was just a choice of your not liking it it would be different, but you are risking your life and your health. He is entitled to make his own decisions about his own life but I do not think he should be endangering your life. I would have to ask him to leave or even if you feel it is fair for the work he has done to sell the house, live separately and only meet each other outside. That may sound so extreme to him that it might make him realize how bad the situation is and that he is causing you harm and putting you in a dangerous situation. You would not get in a car without a seat belt and drive at 100 miles an hour. It would be a very stupid thing to do and you would immediately say what a crazy thing to do. But for you starting to live with someone whose habits are going to cause you a lot of harm , it is a similar thing. You cannot get health back and for your sake you need to live in a clean atmosphere. That to me is your base line and whatever you decide to do must be your safe way of life.

I have read all the responses and agree - he has to choose between you and the cigarettes. Your health is suffering living with a smoker even if he smokes outside - as you say, he brings the smoke back into the house on his clothes and person. I used to be a light smoker but eventually gave it up, smoking my last cigarette left in the pack when a close friend suddenly passed away. I don't go near them now and and much relieved indeed finding other ways to destress myself. Even if one of you moves out after discussion and planning, you will obviously remain close and visit each other. Why should you live in a smoky environment which makes you ill and is against your doctor's advice?

Sorry, but he has to want to give up because that is the driving force behind beating an addiction. I would sit him down for a very serious talk about the way forward. He is unlikely to give up smoking but you could ask him to go back to vaping outside and tell him that you feel disrespected that he doesn't care enough for your health to step back from cigarettes. Alternatively there are other good treatments these days to help beat the withdrawal symptoms.
I understand your pain. My husband struggled to beat smoking and kept lapsing even though it caused big arguments between us. Eventually I gave up nagging and one day he walked in and said he was giving up on his 50th birthday. I didn't believe him but sure enough, he gave up and has never looked back. Obviously he had to be sure it was something he wanted to do.

Your health or a partner who doesn't keep his word? No contest for me.

My mother was a 40-a-day smoker when I was a child. She was a nurse and when she started her training in the 30s they were encouraged to smoke to 'protect' them from the germs that were all around them on the wards. Her clothes always smelled of cigarettes and her fingers were always nicotine stained. My grandfather who lived with us smoked a pipe. Probably the house smelled too but I didn't notice it because I lived with it. My mother died of a thrombosis but I know she thought she had Emphysema as well. My father, also a heavy smoker, died of lung cancer.

I have never smoked. I tried one cigarette when I was 14 and didn't even finish it. I just didn't see the point of it, it was just burning money. I never touched a cigarette again. I didn't want to become my mum. I honestly don't know how people can afford to smoke now.

When I met my husband he smoked cigars. I actually like the smell of cigars, so didn't mind him smoking at home. But when I developed asthma 20 years later he gave up - overnight - just stopped. He has not smoked since, over 20 years now.

Two of our sons are asthmatic, one lives with a smoker; the other smokes himself, but never when he's with us. I really wish he'd give up but I know it has to be his choice. I'm just thankful they have never been drawn to other illegal drugs.

I think you need to give your partner an ultimatum. Give up completely or move out. It must be so hard when it's someone you care deeply about. And ^please* do explore the hypnotherapy suggested in a previous reply, it totally worked for a friend of ours, she can't bear to be near other smokers now. There is much more help for smokers these days. Good luck, I hope you can find a solution for both of you.

my story, well my husbands...
he started smoking around age of 14,well we were encouraged to! I never took to it, thank goodness.
when we met in our early 30`s, he was smoking 40 a day, I told him, he cut down to 20 without much difficulty,
it was discovered in his early 70`s I think it was that he was born with only one operative lung and had a huge op. in London to take the unformed one away as he had a lump appear on it..

he had copd, well he would wouldn`t he!

he lived to 85, and the copd killed him off, well the one lung with it.. not a good way to go..

he tried on and off over the years to stop, tried mini cigars, pipes and then vaping.. he gave up twice! for 6 months and went back to it...

I didn`t like kissing him, but we cuddled, he smoked outdoors, and in his shed.. not indoors.

well I loved him, wouldn`t want to have given any ultimatum..but that is your choice isn`t it NanaChurley.

I never smelled it on his clothes, just couldn`t do the kissing part, and smoking in the house or near to me..

I was fortunate, I never took to smoking, some are addicted, it isn`t that they don`t want to stop, "there but for the Grace of God" at least doesn`t cause violence etc, like alcohol addition can, and drugs..

It would be lovely to hear from the OP again. Have you made a decision NannaChirley?

I'd be separated again if I were you I can't abide the smell of smoke and it makes me Ill

I sympathise with your partner as I was a heavy smoker for 45 years. I think nearly all smokers do genuinely want to stop but you get defeated by past failures. Why don't you buy him the Allen Carr book. I had read and heard so many recommendations for it from other heavy smokers, I tried it and it really was easy to stop. That said, I also took large doses of Vitamin B complex before and after to help control my nerves.