My partner and I were both smokers. We separated in 2000 and I stopped smoking. We got back together in 2014. I was hesitant to rekindle our relationship as although he had stopped smoking, he was vapping, but advised it was not often and he would stop within 6 months.
We moved back in together in 2014 shortly after I had been unwell with pleuresy. I then developed asthma, so kept away from anyone smoking or vapping (I hated the smell of cigarettes and the vaporizer , ex-smokers are the worst when it comes to anti-smoking!). He would never vape around me, and always went out into the garden.
4 years later and lots of moaning on my part, he was still vapping (ans stinking of whatever was in the vaporizer), then I was extremely disapointed to learn that he started smoking again. I felt he was as he was smelling of smoke, and I was coughing and wheezing thinking it was the product that he put in his vaperorizer.
Every day he says he is going to stop, but he can't.... its now 3 years nearly since he started smoking again. He says he has one in the morning and one at night, but I look at him through the window in the garden and he permanently has a cigarette hanging out of his mouth. I can smell the smoke on him 24/7. Its the first thing I smell in the morning and last thing at night. Sometimes I sleep in the spare room. I dont sit next to him on the sofa as I cant bear the smell. I dont kiss or cuddle him much.
My daughter says I need to compromise as he is good to me (he has totally refubished our my house, and I want for nothing) but I cant bear listening to him coughing and gasping for breath, I cant bear the smell, I can't breathe myself sometimes when he comes into the room and I permanently have a headache. He says it is psychosomatic.
My doctor says I should not live with a smoker, I don't want to live with a smoker. AIBU?
No contest for me...It would defo be my health....If he loved you enough he would at least give it his best try to stop for good...Why should you have this added stress when you are ill....
Walk out on your own two feet before you are carried out in a box.
It is a serious situation.
Save yourself
I smoked between 19 and thirty mainly because I had friends who did. I gave up at 30 as soon as my first pregnancy was confirmed.
I genuinely can't get my head around why anyone starts smoking in the first place. Here - stick this in your gob and set it on fire? How does that even sound like a good idea? Smokers stink and are among the most selfish individuals on the planet. If he can't put your health first - never mind his own - then you've got your answer.
I haven’t read all the responses, but in my opinion, there’s no point in having a beautiful home, if you’re not healthy enough to enjoy it.
I’m sad to say it doesn’t sound like he cares for you at all. Time for serious talking or go your separate ways.
I smoked for many years. I gave up while pregnant and didn’t smoke at all when my children were young. I started again after returning to work. Three years ago I realised that enough was enough and anxious to have a healthier later life, I gave up. Best thing I ever did! I notice, sadly, that my ex husband still smokes and suffers from poor health, including three nasty bouts of Covid, which I was lucky enough not to catch at all.
He might want to get cancer but you don't through passive smoking
Leave him !
Time for some straight talking, call him out on his lies which are equally as bad as the smoking. Tell him about hypnosis and the GP’s quit smoking programme. Let him know that the GP told you you needed to be in a smoke-free home. If it’s true, reassure him that you want him to stay, then move into the spare room and give him a time limit to decide. You could end up alone though and having to sell your home when neither of you are in good health. This is probably what is worrying your daughter. Are you prepared for that? If not, you might want to move permanently into the spare room and find another way to coexist.
I know someone who has tried many times to give up smoking and is now addicted to vaping. She has very serious, painful, expensive gum disease and STILL keeps vaping. I tried saying vaping is supposed to help you to give up not be a replacement but it’s useless. If you have an addictive personality it’s very hard to stop either smoking or vaping sadly
Well I’ve been reading GN for years and have never participated. But this subject is so near to my heart I couldn’t just move on.
Quitting is HARD. Nicotine is an addiction as powerful as, or even more powerful, than heroin. Fact. Once an addict (almost) always an addict.
I quit smoking on 27 Feb 2017 having never tried to quit even once in 45+years. I told myself that as soon as the knee replacement was over (April sometime) I could go back to my addiction. I didn’t try to stop with my first knee replacement and my recovery time was twice as long compared to the 2nd one in 2017. I never did smoke again to this day.
I joined the group "Become an Ex" in November 2016 and kept on stopping and starting for about 3 months. You pick your own date, sometime in the not too distant future and stay in touch with them online. They are ALL ex-smokers with or without COPD and lung cancer. Their knowledge is phenomenal and they support, help, advise and are simply a brilliant bunch of people. Some of them have been quit for 40+ years. Others do still struggle. But they never give up on anyone.
They walk you through Hell Week, that’s the first of four really difficult weeks. I forget what the other 3 weeks were called. With all my failed quits from Nov to Feb, I was never once judged or scolded or reprimanded or threatened. I would speak to them online daily (sometimes hourly) and made many friends on the site. I've not touched another cig again and if I feel that I'm stressed or feel like slipping and "only have one", I go on the website for just ordinary chatting, much like on GN. Then the urge passes and I'm back on track again.
5 years later I'm still a committed quitter with the odd craving to which I’ve never caved. They are sponsored by Mayo Clinic and no money is involved in any of it as far as members are concerned. Their only requirement is respect at all times. Arguing is not tolerated.
Their encouragement is awesome and some of their senses of humour are priceless. It’s simply a great community to belong to – I no longer need help but still go back occasionally to either just lurk around or to have a chat.
I highly recommend visiting the site.
(https://www.becomeanex.org)
That sounds like a wonderful organisation Bree19.
Well done on staying quit.
I must say reading about this made me want to buy a pack.
I used to smoke Marlboro and am still on the high strength vape fluid. I only ever buy the 'tobacco' flavour and think it's appalling they have so many 'flavours' to attract people who have never smoked before. When the wrinkles around their mouth resemble a cat's bum they'll regret it!
NO! YOU ARE NOT BEING UNREASONABLE!!!
It is affecting your health and surely your own daughter should understand that!!!
Tell him he needs to quit smoking or move into his own place before he kills you - I'm sure your daughter would rather have you around for as long as possible!!
But, is there anything you do that causes annoyance to him that you could offer to stop, to make it fairer on him?
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