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AIBU

Unwanted bequest, what do you think

(32 Posts)
Mogsmaw Tue 29-Mar-22 21:20:51

My mother died recently and my sister and I have been distributing a few “bits” to friends and family.
Months ago my sister said mum wanted a pearl choker to go to her sister in law. She particularly wanted this as it had been the borrowed element when she married her brother. Mum felt she should have it as it was part of her wedding outfit. They are very nice and one of the few pieces of “real” jewellery she had.
Well, my aunt has said no thanks. She doesn’t really like pearls and only borrowed it as it went with her outfit.
We’re a bit shocked to be honest. Not that she doesn’t like pearls, that’s her choice, but to turn down a gift!
I’ve sent jewellery to my children from their gran. I don’t expect they will ever wear it, it’s a keepsake.
It just seems so callous. What do you all think.

Allsorts Tue 29-Mar-22 21:25:19

Please don’t be hurt, your aunt was being insensitive but probably doesn’t realise it. Not enough to cause problems, you are grieving for your mom and she doesn’t know what’s happened.

Elizabeth27 Tue 29-Mar-22 21:29:07

Your aunt could have put it better but maybe was thinking that someone that would really appreciate it should have the pearl choker.

Better her telling you than selling it or giving it away.

Septimia Tue 29-Mar-22 21:29:21

Clearly your aunt either doesn't understand the sentiment behind your mother's gift or doesn't have the same sense of sentimentality as you. I think it's a bit odd to turn down something in these circumstances, but you've dutifully offered her the pearl choker, so you can't do any more. I'd see if anyone else in the family would like it.

CanadianGran Tue 29-Mar-22 21:30:11

I agree with Allsorts, please don't be offended. A touching gift, but perhaps she thought the pearls should stay within your family.

Soroptimum Tue 29-Mar-22 21:36:05

One of my mums sayings is ‘Pearls bring tears’. An old wives tale I expect. So she says that pearls should never be given as a present. Maybe your aunt feels this way?

Bibbity Tue 29-Mar-22 21:37:16

Would you rather her have taken it out of obligation and then it end up in a dump, handed over to a stranger, dumped in a charity shop?

It meant something to you and your mum but other wise it's just an item.

crazyH Tue 29-Mar-22 21:47:11

Yes Soroptimum- my mother also used to say that - so I have pearls for a long time, but a couple of years ago, I was given a pearl choker by my son’s gf’s mother (ofcourse, she probably didn’t believe in such things, neither did I ). I love it and I don’t think it brought me many tears. Having said that, their relationship did not last. So probably that was the “tears”. 😂

BlueBelle Tue 29-Mar-22 21:51:10

Some people are just honest and don’t realise that their honesty might hurt I wouldn’t take it to heart give them to someone who will enjoy them
I doubt if she meant it as a snub she was just saying thanks but no thanks basically Ots not worth dwelling on it

Jaxjacky Tue 29-Mar-22 22:07:48

I admire her honesty, although rather blunt and hope it can go to someone who’ll appreciate it.
I’d rather that, than as Bibbity says it ends up being another ‘thing’ to be given away, or sold.

VioletSky Tue 29-Mar-22 22:18:21

I wouldn't let it bother you, she probably didn't mean anything much by it...

Some people find gifts uncomfortable, especially in situations like this.

Take it as a sign you are meant to keep them and treasure them

paddyann54 Wed 30-Mar-22 01:39:33

We distributed belongings of my MIL recently and to be honest I felt as if we were forcing people to take things they didn't want .My sister in law wouldn't take no for an answer from one "lucky" recipient and the poor women was landed with MIL's collection of CD's and DVD'S along with the hifi.No doubt it will end up in the charity shop ,if it isn't already there .
I think you have to remember that one persons treasure is another persons trash .I didn't bring much home with me as I am trying to get rid of my own excess stuff .I'm sure many other folk are the same .Keep the pearls if you want them ,but dont assume anyone else will have the same memories or sentiment about your mothers things .

vegansrock Wed 30-Mar-22 06:31:22

She was honest, she didn’t want them - better they go to someone who likes them than stuck in a drawer or flogged on eBay.

Calendargirl Wed 30-Mar-22 07:11:39

It’s one thing to be offered jewellery as a keepsake, but quite another to have CD’s and DVD’s dumped on you, unless you really want them. If I had been the unlucky recipient paddyann, I would have politely declined your SIL’s ‘gift’.

Vintagejazz Wed 30-Mar-22 08:03:32

I have a friend who would do that. She doesn't mean to be hurtful but she sometimes takes pragmatism too far.

I can understand how hurt you feel and I'm so sorry about your mum.

Serendipity22 Wed 30-Mar-22 08:09:20

I can only liken your situation to 1 I experienced last week.

I had acquired a set of bath oil, shower gel, hand cream and a scrunch from M&S. I thought my neighbour would like it, so i took it round. She said it was a very kind thought but she didn't want to be greedy and keep it when she wasnt sure if she would use it and I could give it to someone who would use it.

So maybe that message was behind your mums SIL .
flowers

Kim19 Wed 30-Mar-22 08:10:24

Be gentle with your aunt. She was indeed insensitive. She was also honest when it is sometimes easier to be gracious. Hope the pearls find a welcoming recipient. Sorry for your loss 🌷.

eazybee Wed 30-Mar-22 08:21:58

You have carried out your mother's wishes but your aunt was being honest in refusing the pearl choker, so I would suggest you keep it it because it has real value for you.

M0nica Wed 30-Mar-22 08:36:51

Did your sister-in-law, really say it as bluntly as you write it Mogsmaw or does your account just reflect how you heard it - that your SiL was rejecting something that your beloved mother had wanted her to have and the words your SiL actually used were far more gentle and consolatory.

I think your SiL is braver and more honest than I could be. In her place I would have accepted the pearls, while thinking 'what on earth can I do with these, I never wear pearls,' I deduce they are real pearls so have some value. They would then have sat in a drawer for 10 years - and then I would have sold them.

How much better to have been honest as as she has been. Give the pearls to another family member who will appreciate them and then ask your SiL whether there is anything else of your mother's that she would like instead. There may be other less valuable jewellry, a picture, ornament or book, that she always assoiates with your mother and will appreciate having.

JaneJudge Wed 30-Mar-22 08:41:38

She was just being honest. We are not very good at accepting honesty in this way though!

JaneJudge Wed 30-Mar-22 08:42:24

I'm sorry about your Mum flowers how you feel is most probably a reflection of your grief.

PECS Wed 30-Mar-22 08:44:59

My cousin recently gave me a gold bracelet that was his mum's. I was very fond of her & had visited often and spent too many nights with her in A& E etc as my cousin & his brother both lived overseas. I am unlikely ever to wear it as I wear silver but accepted it as a momento of an aunt I loved. To be honest it will sit in my jewellery box now and not see the light of day! Not sure that is right either. 🤔

argymargy Wed 30-Mar-22 09:01:09

I’m sure she’s perfectly capable of remembering your mother fondly without the burden of storing something she’ll never wear. Callous is an odd word to choose. There’s another thread today about “things” which seems apt - most of us have too much stuff already.

Sago Wed 30-Mar-22 09:05:47

Rather she refused it than stuck it in a drawer and forgot about it.
Give it to somebody who will cherish it.

Yammy Wed 30-Mar-22 18:10:52

I feel for you Mogsmaw. The same thing happened to me with my mother's things. Unlike most on here, I think people should accept with grace even if they stay in a drawer.
My mum had a collection of Wedgwood she asked me to give her nearest and dearest a piece. I was refused by one relation as they did not 'Match ",her decore.
When my MIL died one of her distant relations phoned and asked for one of her bracelets she knew exactly the one she wanted, DH's reaction is not printable.
Whatever it is you accept and then do what you want with it.flowers