Would you be a little hurt…

@ Desdemona.
I don’t want to stress him any further as he’s a very loving man who hates the thought of hurting anyone.
I’m sure it was because of what happened last year.

It was recently my granddaughters 18 birthday and we were not invited to the actual 18th gathering but told we could go the week before or week after to deliver our gifts.
Apparently it was our granddaughters decision that was what she wanted.

😳
That's so presumptuous, how rude.

My younger daughter and her family are hurt by this too as she receives the same treatment. Honestly it is best to just accept what you get given and smile to keep the contact going.

After all these years I really don't think I'd bother ☹️
Concentrate on the family that do want you in their lives.

I would find it upsetting, particularly if it's something you've been doing every year. However, it could be that DiL would like to break with the habit of going away every year with both sets of grandparents. Maybe she just wants to start having holidays with her own husband and children, so she'd prefer just one holiday a year with GPs ... maybe it'll be your turn next year ...

I can also see that the fact you were taken very ill last year, whilst on holiday with them, may be a reason why she's not so keen on going away with you again. Myself, having had a parent with medical issues, we had a few holidays cut short, and even cancelled. I got to the point where I didn't really look forward to holidays with them, even though I loved them very much.

I think you need to try to accept that this is the way it's going to be from now on. It's up to your DS and DiL to sort it out between themselves. Don't get in involved in questioning why this has happened as it will only cause more problems. Sadly, it's usually the wife who gets her own way in these circumstances, so you need to accept that, and try to do other things with with your grandchildren, such as days out, like others have suggested. And enjoy spending time with your other family who like spending time with you.

If someone in your "party" is seriously ill when you are away from home it does stress you and put a damper on everything as you are constantly in a semi-panic mode.
I know of this personally. Our incident happened at a family wedding and years later people still talk about how it affected the day. I have since been asked "are you bringing N? Let's hope x doesn't happen..." It has lived much longer than I expected and came up at my son's wedding last autumn!

Personally I would think after a year or two with no incidents it should be "over" and if this is the reason it will just be history.

Good luck.

NotSpaghetti
Thank you but I don’t think my DIL was in the slightest panicked by my illness and it did happen on the penultimate day of the break.

Maybe not, but you did say that your DIL was “really annoyed” by the disruption caused by your illness. Perhaps it was a factor in future holiday choices.

No, I wouldn't be hurt. my adult children have never been the sort to hang out with parents. I came from a family that did everything together and it was fun, but my own aren't interested. I'm not hurt by it. I'm quite happy to do my own thing. They both visit for family get-togethers a few times a year and that's great.

I don’t think unless you ask your DIL directly that you will ever know the real reason and it could be a very simple readon. Time does move on, we holidayed with the GC when they were small but wouldn’t expect to now. Our DIL who comes from abroad naturally wants to see her mum when she can. We are up the road and can be seen anytime if they wish b

I can understand your hurt, but as you say we do try to avoid conflict don’t we as grandparents so I’m sure you’ll try to put it behind you. I think maybe the context to think about is how well you get along with your DIL generally. Also what your son has said about the circumstances of the change in arrangements and his own feelings. Could it be that they’re cutting down on breaks for the sake of cost, they wouldn’t be alone, the cost of living and mortgages can be crippling for young families these days. I hope there will be an arrangement that keeps everyone more or less happy. I’m so sorry to hear about what happened to you on holiday, That must have been so shocking and upsetting, I hope you’re ok now.

I've never been invited to go on holiday with my son, Dil and grandchildren. Neither have the in-laws. They go away as a family or with friends. I've been hurt in the past when visits to in-laws have far outweighed visits to my home. However, the tide has turned by now as the grandchildren are now old enough to say that they want to visit me rather than the other grandma - Result! Bide your time and play nice !

I have never been on holiday with my adult children and grandchildren and I wouldn’t expect or want to. Their holidays are in the sun, which doesn’t suit me at all.
The problem is that you are used to the arrangement and when it stops for a reason which has not been made clear that is hurtful. It seems best to hope they might want to do alternate years. Maybe you could take the initiative regarding next year? Or maybe now that the grandchildren are older, they want different types of breaks?
Best not to stress about it if you can. Make your own plans for something you really want to do as a couple for once.

Do your son and DIL both work? If so, they probably have just a few weeks in the year when they can go on holiday, and may or may not have trouble getting time off together during school holidays - planning family holidays is not easy when those things have to be factored in. It's not unreasonable to want some time for relaxing with their immediate family, doing child-centred things or however they prefer to spend their leisure time. I always liked being able to lie in, as I had to get up early for work. My mum, OTOH, sees it as a waste of the day not to be up before the sparrows, so there is pressure there straight away. Children have their own needs and preferences too, and the more people who have to be considered, the more difficult it becomes to please everyone.

My son and DIL see more of her parents than they do us - because they live in the same city, which is a long way from us. I don't get hurt when they don't 'level up' and spend hard-earned time off making up the difference by visiting us when they are on holiday. I'd love to see them, but it would be very unreasonable to expect that of them. I enjoy the time we do spend together, even though it doesn't happen as often as I'd like. This is their time now - we've had ours.

Unfortunately it sounds like she doesn't enjoy the time away with you - maybe you get a lot more enjoyment from it than she does. I personally don't enjoy going away with DH's parents and if DIL is the main carer of your grandchildren and the one who organises all the plans for the family (as often women are) that may be why she has got to make the final decision this year.

NotSpaghetti

Maybe she doesn't want TWO holidays with grandparents.
I wouldn't have chosen to do that either to be honest as holidays are nice to just enjoy your own little family I feel.

Please don't take it to heart. They came with you last year.
💐

Yes, I'm guessing that they'd like a holiday alone with their own family which is normal. Working parents have limited holiday time and probably want to spend it as a family.

Yes, I would be hurt, too.

Changing an established holiday routine is not something that can be done easily. Your DIL has been tactless, as she is apparently willing to go away with HER parents but not with her HUSBAND'S!

It would be better if they had suggested going away with one set of parents one year and the other the next - if they feel that two short holidays a year with their parents is too much.

You are doing the right thing, trying just to move on and keep the peace. I hope you stop feeling hurt soon.

Siope

MoaningTurtle

@ V3ra
That’s a lovely idea but there’s no way my son would be allowed to take the children away in his own.

Allowed?

They are his children. He doesn’t need permission.

My son and DIL try to make the most of their limited holidays from work by splitting the half terms between them so that they both don't need to use up all of their holidays in the winter. This last week they've been away with my DIL, during other holidays they've been away with my son. That means that they have more holiday left to spend together in the summer.

V3ra

^It was recently my granddaughters 18 birthday and we were not invited to the actual 18th gathering but told we could go the week before or week after to deliver our gifts.^
Apparently it was our granddaughters decision that was what she wanted.

😳
That's so presumptuous, how rude.

But perhaps the party was for other 18 year olds? I know that there were no adults at my 18th birthday party, which was what I wanted

Yes I would be.

Well I’m not a gran yet , so I don’t know how I’d feel . But when my dc were young , we had two short uk breaks with my in-laws . It was fine but we saw both sets of parents quite a lot and we both wanted to go away with just us and our two kids . We both worked and valued family time together. Plus we wanted different things from our holidays .
So maybe that’s behind your dil decision. And obviously she leans more towards her parents .
If your son is upset about her decision then he needs to speak to his wife .

Yes I’d be hurt due to the circumstances but what can you do but maybe ask why? But be prepared for an answer you may not be able to handle. Our children we love warts and all but the additional family you either get on with or tolerate. I have both.

my dil booked a holiday last year to the same place we usually go, she told me about it after booking and i was fine with it, she then went on another with her family, she has no mum so she is very close to her aunt and again i was fine, my grandson is 5 and autistic, non verbal, she takes him on holiday with family and on her own a couple of times a year, she has taken him on weekends abroad to various places and my son is fine with this as he is not into theme parks, i am not hurt or upset, i see my grandson every few weeks, all i ask for is plenty of pics on my facebook, to see him smile meeting his favourite characters at theme parks is so worth it, she is his mum and it is up to her how she spends her holidays, as all of us grans on here know, they grow up so fast and you want to spend as much time with your children as you can, i think some grandparents forget we are the grandparent and not the parent, just count yourself lucky you have grandchildren and that you do see them.

I also find that a strange word 'allowed'???? to use..As you say they are his children too!

Knitandnatter

And I have just missed the comment from the OP that her son is NOT allowed to take the children away on his own!!!!!
That is not a happy marriage and is doomed; what a dreadful, spiteful, coercive, controlling bitch your DIL is.

Yes I wondered about that, "not allowed" they are his children too, seems very odd.

It's not odd. Mothers and fathers need to agree with taking children away. Why should parents be separated from children on their holiday if they don't want to be?

The wants of the extended family do no superseded the need for quality time as a nuclear unit.