AIBU about meeting halfway?

Jewelle

No definitely not being unreasonable to meet halfway! Very cheeky of her to ask, as you’re doing her the favour having the GS.

Apologies, I misread the original post - yes you are being unreasonable!!

I thought she wanted you to collect your GS from them rather than halfway. Halfway is completely fair. I do this often for mine.

As soon as I read your post Katy I was annoyed with the young couple.
They sound rather selfish and entitled.
This is why I said it would feel different coming from you.
From what you now say in your follow up, DGS will be very happy with you and I hope he is, whether or not you meet them halfway.

I think it would be nice for the parents to take the little chap away with them on holiday!
It does sound as if he is farmed out rather a lot.
I know young couples these days are very busy but to my mind, the priority should be the little boy especially as he is showing signs of anxiety.

I don't think it's unreasonable for her to ask, or for you to have said you don't want to make the drive and ask for him to be brought to you.

Out of the box suggestion. Could/would you drive to your grandson’s home, spend the weekend there and then come home. I am sure this would be the least disruptive way for the wee boy, at home, own bed and maybe a play date and a park meet-up for him and his friend. Sounds as if he might miss out on these simple pleasures. He may also be easier to care for if more relaxed.

I wouldn’t do it because I hate driving.
Perhaps they could bring him to you and stay overnight and then travel back the next day. It would be nice for your gs too . To have his mum there to settle him in.

Why wouldn't you meet half way if you are able to? We used to do it all the time to collect our GS as DD lives 3/4 hours away - M6 all the way so the actual journey time could be double that

Unfortunately we are unable to do it any more with the inevitable consequence that we see our DD and family far less than we would like due to their work commitments etc.

My other half used to love his time with our GS on the journey/s - they would chatter and sing away, as well as munch through 'forbidden' sweets. I wish he was still able to do this.

Yes good idea Feelingmyage

I think it depends how well the 4 year old copes in the car and how easy the transfer will be.

That would be my guide.
Is it easier for him to say goodbye in the service station with things to look forward to (but a further journey) or to say goodbye having arrived ar your home?

Maybe, as someone else suggested a point nearer you than midway?

Oreo - OP says 3 hours.

If you read the opening post, the parents are going on holiday the next day, so an overnight stay isn’t possible. To be honest, I wouldn’t contemplate a lengthy drive immediately before my holiday - accidents can happen!
I wonder what’s the stepdaughter’s father - presumably the OP’s husband’s involvement/reaction is with/to this?

There does seem to be a difference of opinions here.

Feelingmyage55 this was my first thought too.

KatyaStrings

Oh my, the jury is definitely out on this one! No wonder I was feeling conflicted.

A couple of commenters wondered whether there are other issues playing into this. GS is 4 and looked after a lot by people other than his parents - after school club, childminders, work colleagues, and his other grandparents. He is becoming quite a withdrawn and anxious little boy. I am quite worried about him. So I have a tendency to bridle when there is yet another instance of his parents possibly swerving their responsibilities. Well spotted!

I think you should be very careful about your use of words here “possibly swerving their responsibilities”

Are mum and dad working full time? I worked full all the way through returning after mat leave when my little ones were somewhere between 3-5 months, though I did actually return part time when my elder daughter was 6 weeks as I was then contracting and it was a very lucrative 9 month contract.

We had lots of quality family holidays, but all mine did before and after school clubs and day miseries and childminders.

4 is an age when children can become a bit anxious, I am assuming he’s not long started school? It could be school that’s affecting him, which he’d be at anyway irrespective of whether mum and dad go away.

Feelingmyage55

Out of the box suggestion. Could/would you drive to your grandson’s home, spend the weekend there and then come home. I am sure this would be the least disruptive way for the wee boy, at home, own bed and maybe a play date and a park meet-up for him and his friend. Sounds as if he might miss out on these simple pleasures. He may also be easier to care for if more relaxed.

Great suggestion.

Sorry Cossy, I didn't mean to imply that all parents are 'swerving their responsibilities' if they use childcare. I had a professional career and used a fair bit of childcare with my own children. But in this instance, a pattern is building where family holidays are rare and child-free getaways for the parents more common.

KatyaStrings

Oh my, the jury is definitely out on this one! No wonder I was feeling conflicted.

A couple of commenters wondered whether there are other issues playing into this. GS is 4 and looked after a lot by people other than his parents - after school club, childminders, work colleagues, and his other grandparents. He is becoming quite a withdrawn and anxious little boy. I am quite worried about him. So I have a tendency to bridle when there is yet another instance of his parents possibly swerving their responsibilities. Well spotted!

I maybe coming at this from the opposite angle - we had our GS very often from the age 6 -9 and 'people' often commented that our DD was taking advantage/behaving irresponsibly. Fast forward and our GS is nearly 17 and we have the best relationship with him and he knows we are here for him.

Therefore, although you (understandably) have concerns with the way he is being parented the easier you make it for him to come to you the more (i suspect) he will come and the you can become a positive influence and build a solid relationship for the future.

Baggs

Germanshepherdsmum

I sense some family friction here …

Exactly what I was thinking.

Is the other part of "we" your stepdaughter's father? What does he think? Do you both need to go and collect GS?

No. I don't drive. My husband will have to do that. He works full time and is not currently in the best of health, so this is in a large part me feeling protective of him.

KatyaStrings

Sorry Cossy, I didn't mean to imply that all parents are 'swerving their responsibilities' if they use childcare. I had a professional career and used a fair bit of childcare with my own children. But in this instance, a pattern is building where family holidays are rare and child-free getaways for the parents more common.

Thanks for explaining. That seems very sad then, our family holidays always always came first, we always wanted some quality family time and we also spent almost every weekend with them too.

I feel a bit sad for this little chap. Enjoy your time together

Cossy

KatyaStrings

Sorry Cossy, I didn't mean to imply that all parents are 'swerving their responsibilities' if they use childcare. I had a professional career and used a fair bit of childcare with my own children. But in this instance, a pattern is building where family holidays are rare and child-free getaways for the parents more common.

Thanks for explaining. That seems very sad then, our family holidays always always came first, we always wanted some quality family time and we also spent almost every weekend with them too.

I feel a bit sad for this little chap. Enjoy your time together

We certainly will!

Feelingmyage55

Out of the box suggestion. Could/would you drive to your grandson’s home, spend the weekend there and then come home. I am sure this would be the least disruptive way for the wee boy, at home, own bed and maybe a play date and a park meet-up for him and his friend. Sounds as if he might miss out on these simple pleasures. He may also be easier to care for if more relaxed.

We do this sometimes and it works well, but not possible this time.

Dogmum2

KatyaStrings

Oh my, the jury is definitely out on this one! No wonder I was feeling conflicted.

A couple of commenters wondered whether there are other issues playing into this. GS is 4 and looked after a lot by people other than his parents - after school club, childminders, work colleagues, and his other grandparents. He is becoming quite a withdrawn and anxious little boy. I am quite worried about him. So I have a tendency to bridle when there is yet another instance of his parents possibly swerving their responsibilities. Well spotted!

I maybe coming at this from the opposite angle - we had our GS very often from the age 6 -9 and 'people' often commented that our DD was taking advantage/behaving irresponsibly. Fast forward and our GS is nearly 17 and we have the best relationship with him and he knows we are here for him.

Therefore, although you (understandably) have concerns with the way he is being parented the easier you make it for him to come to you the more (i suspect) he will come and the you can become a positive influence and build a solid relationship for the future.

Thank you for your positive perspective. It's true that there is very little I can do to influence how he is parented, but I sure as hell can make his time with us the best it can be

KatyaStrings, I agree with you; I am wary of parents who need holiday 'breaks' away from their children, particularly when they work, which means more separation.

The saddest thing I saw was a little nine year old who had been collected from boarding school by her parents; she was going to stay with granny and grandpa for a fortnight and then go on to a lovely holiday club; she was going home for a week, and then, a surprise, she was going to another lovely holiday club while mummy and daddy went to Italy 'on business', and it wasn't possible for them to take her with them 'as they had promised.
She cried, and they said, and made her repeat it. ' 'Remember, Mummy and Daddy love you very much.'

They were clearly wealthy, and clearly completely uninterested in their miserable little daughter.

KatyaStrings

Dogmum2

KatyaStrings

Oh my, the jury is definitely out on this one! No wonder I was feeling conflicted.

A couple of commenters wondered whether there are other issues playing into this. GS is 4 and looked after a lot by people other than his parents - after school club, childminders, work colleagues, and his other grandparents. He is becoming quite a withdrawn and anxious little boy. I am quite worried about him. So I have a tendency to bridle when there is yet another instance of his parents possibly swerving their responsibilities. Well spotted!

I maybe coming at this from the opposite angle - we had our GS very often from the age 6 -9 and 'people' often commented that our DD was taking advantage/behaving irresponsibly. Fast forward and our GS is nearly 17 and we have the best relationship with him and he knows we are here for him.

Therefore, although you (understandably) have concerns with the way he is being parented the easier you make it for him to come to you the more (i suspect) he will come and the you can become a positive influence and build a solid relationship for the future.

Thank you for your positive perspective. It's true that there is very little I can do to influence how he is parented, but I sure as hell can make his time with us the best it can be

Absolutely, the amount of deep breaths/bitten lips we did over the years is unbelievable! but it has been truly worth it when our monosyllabic teenage grandson gives me an unsolicited, genuine hug.

Have the best time with your grandson xx

If the OP had told the whole story in her first post comments may have been different. Certainly mine would. As I see it she doesn’t approve of the way the grandchild is being raised, nor of the parents’ holidays without him. I would feel the same and would not do anything to enable their selfishness. Poor child.

eazybee

*KatyaStrings*, I agree with you; I am wary of parents who need holiday 'breaks' away from their children, particularly when they work, which means more separation.

The saddest thing I saw was a little nine year old who had been collected from boarding school by her parents; she was going to stay with granny and grandpa for a fortnight and then go on to a lovely holiday club; she was going home for a week, and then, a surprise, she was going to another lovely holiday club while mummy and daddy went to Italy 'on business', and it wasn't possible for them to take her with them 'as they had promised.
She cried, and they said, and made her repeat it. ' 'Remember, Mummy and Daddy love you very much.'

They were clearly wealthy, and clearly completely uninterested in their miserable little daughter.

That made me feel so sad for this little one. Why do some people have children? God knows they’re hard work and expensive but this little one sounds completely emotionally neglected!