DD’s wedding

Yay Twiglet most of understand and are with you all the way
Very good point maggiemaybe
Stay and we ll keep you company

Twiglet, please stay at home. All this nonsense about your DD never forgiving you , for goodness sake !!!!
This is a tall order and one you do not have to address! Just tell your DD asap , tell her you love her but the occasion is just too much for you.
The wedding is about the couples commitment to each other not an excuse for a long drawn out party!! that is costing guests a lot of money , not to mention inconvenience. If you could make it you would , but you can't so don't !!! Good luck and let us know how you get on ,in the mean time please speak to your GP and get some help.💐

BlueBelle

Oh Twiglet I do emphasise, I love people, get on well with most and like going places but the older I get the more difficult I find ‘big dos’ and parties and travel I feel anxious and an outsider even if I m not. I don’t go out that much and always have an excuse for anything over 3 or 4 people I ve never really been that comfortable with parties although I ve been to plenty luckily I have understanding kids particularly my eldest daughter who looks out for me if I do have to go anywhere out of the ordinary
Your situation would throw me too so I totally understand
My eldest grandaughter got married in NZ where she lives and luckily it was end of Covid times so I had an excuse but there is no way I could now do a long haul and I would have hated the big do they had and felt very overwhelmed … anyway that was 3 years ago and she’s awaiting a divorce and with someone else now 🤣
I think your daughter should know and understand you better you re not purposely avoiding her wedding she seems to have little empathy for you
I think there is far too much emphasise put on these big expensive weddings
Do what you are capable of Twiglet and don’t beat yourself up You are what you are …if you had a physical illness they would probably be more empathic
X

Absolutely this!

I think this upcoming wedding has “opened a can of worms” for you. Up to now you’ve been managing your anxiety by following a restrictive life and now you’re faced with something which is as far from your comfort zone as it’s possible to get. Your first priority is to tackle your anxiety as others have advised. You’re only viewing the negative aspects of the wedding and ignoring all the positives and , no doubt, constantly dwelling on it. You need to get help
asap whether you go to the wedding or not. Anxiety is real but the things we’re anxious about are often not real.

My feelings about this type of wedding, is it's similar to "Christmas lite" the worst kind, where copious amounts of money are expected to be spent, whether those can be afforded or not, there can be a certain element of family warfare, often about "the day" and where that should be spent. What overblown weddings and Christmas have in common,in my mind, is the essence of what they are both SUPPOSED to be about is lost in some ghastly over the top commercial load of insanity which makes many very miserable in the what seems like an interminable run up to both. My opinion I don't expect others to agree with me. I would add that I once worked with a girl who related chapter and verse on a daily basis the minutiae of her wedding arrangements, on and on it went for 6 months, if it wasn't the flowers it was the friggin' place cards or what to buy the bridesmaids. Boring! didn't even begin to describe it, after the wedding she was as miserable as sin once she had to face life beyond the fairy tale

aonk

I think this upcoming wedding has “opened a can of worms” for you. Up to now you’ve been managing your anxiety by following a restrictive life and now you’re faced with something which is as far from your comfort zone as it’s possible to get. Your first priority is to tackle your anxiety as others have advised. You’re only viewing the negative aspects of the wedding and ignoring all the positives and , no doubt, constantly dwelling on it. You need to get help
asap whether you go to the wedding or not. Anxiety is real but the things we’re anxious about are often not real.

If she's happy with her life why does she have to get help? We aren't clones all living identical lives.

I totally agree with the comment made by Baggs. The choice is yours. End of...

The OP asked for advice: 'I don't know what to do.'
People are entitled to express their opinions.

I know my son was devastated when his father did not attend either his wedding or the party held for those not invited because of covid restrictions some months later. No fallout, just had something more important.

Twiglet. I do feel for you. We all have choices. Your DD has made hers now you make yours. In your position I wouldn’t go.
You say you’re in poor health, have you asked the GP if it’s wise for you to fly and be in the hot weather ? And have you looked to see how much the insurance is going to be?
It’s definitely not a good idea. Your anxiety if nothing else could make you ill, especially when you’re away from home worrying about your dogs.
Your DD has got carried away and not put any thought how you might be feeling.
Tell her ASAP you’re not able to go. She’ll soon get over it, then at least you’ve been fair to both your children.

I can empathise with you , I also have social anxiety. The rest of my family are very sociable. Last year I missed younger sisters 50 birthday bash. I just couldn't go , luckily they all understand. I don't think its helpful to say you are weird etc. You will obviously be way out of your comfort zone to go to the wedding. I would just say , you can't come , but wish them all the best etc

Does your daughter know the full extent of your anxiety issues OP?

I feel the dogs may be a side issue here.

The MH is what's of importance. Please try to get some appropriate help.I think DD has her whole life ahead of her. It would be sad if you can't go, but it's not the end of the world.

aonk

I think this upcoming wedding has “opened a can of worms” for you. Up to now you’ve been managing your anxiety by following a restrictive life and now you’re faced with something which is as far from your comfort zone as it’s possible to get. Your first priority is to tackle your anxiety as others have advised. You’re only viewing the negative aspects of the wedding and ignoring all the positives and , no doubt, constantly dwelling on it. You need to get help
asap whether you go to the wedding or not. Anxiety is real but the things we’re anxious about are often not real.

Agreed. Wedding or not , this is no way to live. And I say this as someone who has been treated for anxiety as well. Get your life back- you deserve it !

Because no one living a like in fear of having a social outing come up is happy.

You kind of really have to go, since it's your DD wedding, but I do understand the concern. If you're close and you are sure your DD would be understanding, you can do whatever is best for you. I know if my mom wouldn't be able to attend my wedding because of her own reasons, these reasons are valid.

I definitely would not go. Why do something you don't want to do? Make it clear that you love her and support her marriage union but will not be attending the party. You dont need to give reasons or excuses. Tell her now that you do not want to go to her party. Leave it at that and set a good example for her in all of your actions. As a mother, that is your job.

You have had many posts of advice and so I would like to add my twopennorth. The thing is that this wedding , whilst important has raised many problems that you see in your life in general. The wedding itself I agree with others that it would be far less stressful for you to tell them that you are unable to go but you will be sitting thinking of them at the time and wishing them well, that you hope to have a small celebration with them when they come home, and you might tell a white lie and say that the reason is medical, but nothing for them to worry about. Well it wont be a lie as anxiety is definitely a major problem for you.

So I see that this situation has meant that you have faced quite a few things that you probably have known about but not addressed before. So for yourself, it really would be good if you could try and find help with your anxieties. If you can get some help and counselling you could work out what and why is the major problem and perhaps come to a better understanding and be able to deal with things a bit better and feel more in control. To do this without a specific event looming in the near future would be better and less stressful and you could move at your own pace.

But it has also thrown up some things that you would need to face. As your dogs are so important to you, it would be good if you could think about what would be best for them if there was a situation where you had to suddenly be away from home, such as an accident or had to be in hospital for a short time. Do you already have someone you trust who could feed them and take them for walks? Perhaps you have a friend who also has dogs or has had them in the past, who you could organise some emergency help with? If this is not possible, then perhaps you might need to think of looking into what local kennels you would be most satisfied with in an emergency. You could look around and take recommendations from other dog owners. Then it would be worth trying them in the kennels for perhaps two days, and see how that goes and then repeat that again after a couple of months. This way , you would get peace of mind, should there be an occasion in the future when you need to make a quick decision. If that goes well you could then go on to put them in the kennels for another couple of days and go away yourself, just for a couple of days, perhaps to the coast or to somewhere special to you.

These small steps taken at your own pace might mean that you feel less anxious and more empowered as you are the person who decides when and where. If you found yourself able to do this, in itself it may lessen your anxiety in that area and also you can look at it as a good example of what you have been able to do and then possibly employ the same small steps in other areas of your life. I do understand having had both anxiety and depression at times, and when I was in those situation the thought of doing what I do now , would have been unbelievable to me. I found the key was , in my own time, to see it as a choice I was making, not being forced into something by other people. Control is my key, with a certain amount of acceptance for what is possible and what is not worth the stress. I hope this is of some use to you, and the fact that your daughter does not feel as you do, means that she cannot understand what she is asking of you. Does she have any phobias that you know of? Perhaps not now regarding the wedding, but later you might ask her how she would feel if say a spider (if that was her phobia) walked across her pillow or down her wedding dress. She would no doubt be very shocked by that thought. Then you could explain to her that that is the way your anxiety affects y ou physically and mentally and that you constantly have to cope with this and it is not by choice. You may in the end let her see how much effort you have to put into things that she finds easy and she may have more understanding and sympathy. The best of luck

I am sorry about this.
I do feel though you ought to go. I’m sure you will have a fab time. Sure someone could look after you- another single lady maybe.
But I do feel you may regret it if you don’t go and then you will be feeling ‘ I should’ve been there’ and it’s too late.
I know it’s a pain but it’s your DD wedding!
Good luck- you can do it!

theworriedwell

aonk

I think this upcoming wedding has “opened a can of worms” for you. Up to now you’ve been managing your anxiety by following a restrictive life and now you’re faced with something which is as far from your comfort zone as it’s possible to get. Your first priority is to tackle your anxiety as others have advised. You’re only viewing the negative aspects of the wedding and ignoring all the positives and , no doubt, constantly dwelling on it. You need to get help
asap whether you go to the wedding or not. Anxiety is real but the things we’re anxious about are often not real.

If she's happy with her life why does she have to get help? We aren't clones all living identical lives.

Did you read the OP?
Does that sound like a person who is happy with their life 🤷‍♀️
The OP sounds totally miserable 😥

She only sounds upset about the pressure on her if people leave her alone she can make her own mind up about what she wants to do, not what other people think she should do.

I don't think the DD is a young person embarking on a marriage. It seems the relationship is well extablished and this wedding fest is the icing on the cake and a holiday for them. Good Luck to them! But OP must put her own needs first.
We don't need the guilt round these events.

I think that I'd make an effort to go despite your reservations .
You'll only cause offence by not doing so .
I also think that a visit to your doctor to address your anxiety is essential .
Being insular isn't healthy .
I certainly understand your anxiety .
Someone will housesit your pets even if your house leaks .
You don't have to stay in an expensive hotel .
Explain to your relatives that you don't want to be on show .
Wishing you luck with this .

Twiglet You have my sympathy for this nightmare situation.

Arrange a meeting with your DD asap and tell her everything you have said on here, all your fears and anxieties. Wait and listen to her answer, she may well say; don't come mum, if you feel that bad.

My sister was coming for a pre-Xmas weekend celebration. It was going to be a 2hr 40min drive here and back for her. We spoke on the phone the day before, we both said how much we were looking forward to seeing each other, she then went on to say how nervous and anxious she was a about the drive and I could hear the distress in her voice, so I told her not to come, she was relieved, I could tell. We didn't see each other over Xmas but had a lovely time when she came down for the weekend for my birthday in early Feb. So all was well, no hard feelings.

Best of luck

I would say you don't need to go. My DS got married in the Far East a few years ago This was torture for me as I have a skin condition which flares up visibly in the heat, I was overweight, felt ugly and I had to buy a long dress formal attire for the evening. And I was on show as the mother of the groom amidst all the baffling foreign culture and traditions. I survived, but can't say it was a great experience Meanwhile my DH stayed at home because his health ruled out the flight. The wedding was videoed for him and he was able to enjoy it later. He was quite happy with that.

I suppose my question is whether your DD actually expects you to attend? You cite so many reasons for not going, and your social anxiety seems to be untreated and long standing. It's painful to be in such a place and I send you and your DD my sympathy. If you genuinely want to feel better, perhaps some psychotherapy? I doubt that is a new suggestion to you, but may be, the prospect of missing the wedding might be sufficient for you to face your fears with good help. Sending bestcwishes

You could try to find someone that would put up with your leaking roof and drain problems for a week if you were prepared to pay them well. Or you could find a dog lover that would be prepared to have your dogs in their house but they would be unlicenced and uninsured so its a bigger risk. Otherwise I agree with the person who said just say you can't go but don't mention the dogs.